Hard Headed

My son and I have argued a lot. 
He will bring up something I don't agree with
and he said "you're so stubborn."
WITHOUT REALIZING HE IS VERY STUBBORN. 

Can you teach stubborn people anything?
Or very much of anything?

There was a thing I read somewhere:
"A man (person) convinced against his (their) will
is a man (person) of the same opinion still."

You can't convince a person if they aren't willing. 

It's easier to convince someone if they trust you.

AND I'M ONLY TALKING ABOUT CONVINCING
AS IN CHANGING SOMEONE'S PERSPECTIVE.
NOT ABOUT CROSSING BOUNDARIES
TO TRY TO GET THEM TO DO SOMETHING.

The only thing I wanted people to do
was to be open to see something another way.
Not "my way." Another way.
Other than "their way."

Because sometimes the way we look at things
is the way we see things.
And there are other ways to see things.

Anyway, the harder the head, 
the harder it is to learn the lesson.

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SEEM TO GET THROUGH.
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO AND DON'T CARE IF IT DOES...
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT IT DOES?

After watching another loyaty test...
I was on the chat site and a guy sends me a message
and tells me he's married
so I asked him if he told his wife that he chats
on the chat site.

He said that she doesn't. 

He said that he was only on there as an escape. 

Mostly, been married guys looking to cheat
or weren't sure if they wanted to or not.

He was saying stuff like "assuming I'd feel bad about it."
Because I told him that he could just skip the feeling of regret
BY NOT DOING ANYTHING
HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING.

Still trying to piece together something that happened.
When there was a guy who told me it was OVER
with who he "was" with, 
but EITHER IT WASN'T.
OR IT WAS THEN THAT SHE WAS READING OUR MESSAGES.
BECAUSE SHE OUTTED HERSELF WHILE DOING IT.
READING OUR CONVERSATIONS
WHILE WE WERE HAVING THEM.

And she didn't want there to be ANY potential between him and I
EVEN THOUGH ANYONE HAS A RIGHT TO END ANYTHING.
AND A RIGHT TO START OVER IF THEY WANT TO.
WITH WHOEVER THEY WANT TO.

Either it was over, at the time, she was reading that it 'was'
couldn't or didn't want to accept it and wanted to sabotage.

EVEN WITHOUT THAT, 
THERE ARE CERTAIN WAYS HE SABOTAGED HIMSELF.
AND I HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO STAY FOR ANY OF THAT.
AND FOR HER TO TRY TO COME FOR ME? FRO.

"If" it was over. I WAS NOT IN THE WRONG.
"If" it wasn't and he told me it was, I WAS NOT IN THE WRONG.

BECAUSE IF IT WASN'T OVER...
I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID F*CK ALL.

BUT I DON'T NEED ANYONE CRYING TO ME
ABOUT HOW THEY AREN'T HAPPY ETC.

I mean, if you're not, do something about it.
IT'S NOT FOR ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

AND I'M NOT HERE TO GIVE SOMEONE
WHAT THEY AREN'T GETTING FROM SOMEONE ELSE
WHILE THEY STILL WANT TO HANG ONTO THAT PERSON.

One, how is that fair to me?
TO BE THE PERSON GIVING
WHAT THE OTHER PERSON ISN'T
BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY BE WITH?
LIKE OPENLY BE WITH?

And there was a whole plot to keep us apart
So that we wouldn't become serious lol.
But I only have so much patience to teach people
certain things they should already have realized.

Yes, it took me a long time to realize some things.
Also, it takes realizing some things TO BE ABLE TO
REALIZE OTHER THINGS.
BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE CONNECTED.


Two, how is it fair to the other person?
THEY GET THE BENEFIT OF BEING WITH A PERSON
WHO ISN'T HAPPY AND GOING TO ME OR SOMEONE ELSE.
THEN GETTING JEALOUS OF ME
THAT THEY CHOSE TO TRY TO COME TO ME
FOR WHATEVER THEY WERE MISSING OR SOMETHING...

Like WHY would I be okay with that?


Like some people only come around, or try to,
TO TRY TO GET WHAT YOU ARE GETTING.

And then do a slander campaign and more
BECAUSE I CHOSE TO WALK AWAY
FROM A COMPETITION I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR?
BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.


See why I'm good chilling on my own?
And maybe I shouldn't have told him anything at all.
BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO TELL HIM HOW I FELT.

DO I REGRET THAT I DID?
A part of me would have just kept suppressing that.
I WAS HONEST ABOUT IT.
I didn't know a jealous "ex" or whatever
WOULD GET SO POSSESSIVE AND OBSESSIVE
AND TRY TO COMPETE WITH ME.

Because I was under the "impression" that it was over.
Because that's what I was told.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT CONVERSATION, 
ALL OF THEM WERE BEING READ.

BY HER, MAYBE OTHERS. I DON'T KNOW
AND IT COULD BE ANYONE.

But do I care about any of that sh*t now?
I don't. But these are the kinds of things that happen.


Obviously if there's a slander campaign rife with lies, 
THAT'S FOR A REASON.

And yeah, I didn't know what was going on. 
It could have gone further than this, out of spite for me.
WHEN I WASN'T EVEN F*CKING DOING ANYTHING FFS.

All because I had real feelings for someone for years?
BEFORE HE MET HER.

Before anyone met anyone wasn't the point.

He joined in with it, participated, she wanted him to.
It was whatever. Who else is involved, I don't know.

SEE HOW NONE OF IT IS APPEALING
OR MATURE?
ALL OVER A POTENTIAL PARTNERSHIP.

But not only that...
WHY WOULD I PARTNER WITH SOMEONE
WHO WAS ABOUT ANY OF THAT BULLSH*T?

And at any time, EVEN AT THE START OF THE BS,
I COULD HAVE ENDED IT.
WITHOUT GIVING ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
FOR HOPES OF HEFTY CHANGES...
THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

Because why would they? It was bullsh*t after all...

But if you try to sell someone out like that...
YOU FORFEIT THE OPPORTNITY
I WAS TRYING TO GIVE.

And I am aware that not everyone
will want an opportunity. Or even care etc.
Don't want to be everyone's cup of tea.
I'd rather just be some random person nobody really knows.

I'm just saying that I rarely even offer, for one.
And it's fine not to want it. I'm cool with that.
IT'S ONE THING NOT TO WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE.
IT'S ANOTHER THING TO JOIN SOMEONE
WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME
ALL THE WHILE BLAMING ME.
WHEN I WASN'T THE ONE WHO EVEN DID ANYTHING.

OTHER THAN STAND UP TO SPEAK ABOUT
A LOT OF BULLSH*T
THAT COULD HAVE EITHER BEEN CORRECTED
OR NOT DONE AT ALL.


None of it was ever necessary.

This is why I rarely tell anyone my feelings about them.
For one. And for two, I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR
ANY OF THAT BULLSH*T.

It's like having every feeling you ever felt
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HELD AGAINST YOU.

Anothing thing to be COLD, SHIFTY AND CALCULATED
WHEN I WAS NEVER F*CKING DOING
OR TRYING TO DO ANYTHING FFS.

So why would I want to be in a drama?
Miss me with that sh*t.


Because what would happen if people weren't trying
to keep him and I apart and we were just allowed
WITHOUT ANY INTERFERENCES
TO JUST BE TOGETHER?

COULD WE HAVE JUST BEEN HAPPY?

Yet, what if he wasn't the one I was 'supposed' to be with?
What if I'm better 'yoked' with someone else?

Maybe I can just continue on my own.
NOT AS THOUGH THIS NEVER HAPPENED.
BECAUSE, YES IT HAPPENED.

Probably more in the background that I don't know about.

When I was on my way to go see him, once
there was a female, I didn't even know she knew about me
WAS TRYING TO LIKE VERBALLY ATTACK ME.
SEEMINGLY FOR NO REASON
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE WAS.

But obviously, that was for a reason.
It was connected to the fact that I was on my way to see him. 
AND HOW WOULD THEY KNOW
IF THEY WEREN'T READING MY MESSAGES?

UNLESS THEY'D BEEN SPYING OR FOLLOWING ME.
TRYING TO CREATE FRICTION.


Because WHY WOULD THAT HAPPEN AT ALL?
Been on my way to lots of places without any of that.

FOR ME TO BE REJECTED. THAT'S WHY.
Otherwise there wouldn't be any reason, right?
WAS I DOING ANYTHING? WAS I IN IT FOR ANYTHING?
Or was it because someone lost it over my potential
TO HAVE SOMETHING REAL?

Because I have the potential to cultivate something?
Yeah, so do many other people.

IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT TO DO...
THAT WAS MY INTENT.
THAT'S WHAT THEY KNEW OF ME.
THAT'S WHAT THEY HAD AN ISSUE WITH.

BUT WHAT DO I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH?

People trying to tie me up with lies or whatever?
And laugh, thinking it's funny?

The truth of it is out there. 
And I don't have to participate in some drama.
BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT ME
TO HAVE SOMETHING BASED ON MY OWN MERIT.

WHILE THEY ARE FREE TO HAVE SOMETHING
BASED ON THEIR OWN MERIT, CORRECT?

But after people trying to trap me in a trap
BECAUSE THEY WANTED SOMETHING
AND DIDN'T SEE ME DO WELL.

DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH SOMEONE
AND WANTED TO WIN AT ALL COST
WHEN IT WASN'T A GAME TO ME...

Trying to humiliate me ffs.
Trying to humiliate someone who doesn't have any reason
to feel humiliated... Doesn't work. 

Was in it for other reasons, not for "romance."
Because I had other good intentions.

BECAUSE NOBODY OWES ME ROMANCE.
NOT EVEN ANY PARTNER I'VE BEEN WITH
ROMANTICALLY.

Not the only one who ever wished they had that.
BUT I CAN SEE WHY SOME WOULDN'T WANT TO
SEE ME HAVING THAT IN MY LIFE.


It was about someone not making a promise to me.
I still have enough inner peace not to be as affected
as anyone wanted me to be.

BECAUSE IT WASN'T ABOUT ANYTHING, TO ME.
SO I CAN'T EVEN FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE I WASN'T WEARING A MASK.
BECAUSE THERE WAS NO REASON FOR ME TO DO IT.
THERE WAS NOTHING MOTIVATING ME.


Anyway, the partnership I had hoped for didn't happen.
BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE IT.
THERE WASN'T ANY REASON FOR ME NOT TO.

If it was meant to happen, maybe it would have. I don't know.
People get offended if I get something and they don't.
Because it isn't "fair."

I'm not talking about recognition, just anything.
EVEN THINGS I NEVER ASKED FOR.
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

It bugs me when they act like that.
LIKE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO SOMETHING
THAT COULD BE FOR ME.

And then try to bully me about it?
To try to take something from me?

THEY COULD JUST STAY IN THEIR OWN LANE.

THEY WANTED TO TRY TO BULLY ME
TO TRY TO KEEP ME UNFOCUSSED
AND GET ME OFF TRACK.

Not even just with that tactic. 

Me getting what's fair to me is somehow unfair to them.
AND IT P*SSES PEOPLE OFF.

I could be heartbroken about everything that happened...
BUT SO MANY OTHER THINGS HAVE BEEN MORE DAMAGING
THAN THIS. THIS SH*T THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO
AFFECT MY SELF-ESTEEM DOESN'T.

That's what it was supposed to do lol.
The gifts I have can't be taken away lol.

And I've already seen this superficial bullsh*t.
It's just superficial thievery.