I had turned on the wrong burner and there were flames.
Filled the place with smoke and went for a walk.
My place was cleared out of smoke when I got back.
And I made sure there wasn't anything
that could catch fire before I left.
So much for making spaghetti, right? Oh well.
Nope, I'm not a master chef.
I have visions of hiring a chef.
Actually, I want to be able to have some key players
in my plan that I'm planning.
I volunteered at The Mission.
Where I met a chef.
He's a professional chef.
There are a few people I want to introduce to each other.
And I think this is the year
for some of that to happen.
If all goes well, things can be great.
Nothing wrong for having these hopes.
And it'd be cool to be able to get this going, soon.
I have a few people to talk with about it and then go from there.
Who knows? Could turn out better than I could hope for.
Good ideas could be turned into better ideas...
And that's why it's cool to plan with others, too.
Never know who can help and how.
There are opportunities out there and they can be made.
That's why I want to create a few opportunities.
I'll have TO BE CLEAR THAT I HAVE NO OTHER AGENDA.
Or else, maybe they'll think I do.
It bothers me when they do.
I don't know why.
Maybe because I don't and they aren't used to it.
Because everyone wants 'something,' supposedly.
So, the sooner this can start, the better.
In a few days, I'll go back and see about it.
I gave my number to the person to give to another person
and I haven't heard back, yet.
So, in a few days, I'll go ask, again.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I can think about.
And I'm happy in these thoughts.
It's like conspiring to benefit someone.
If all goes well, it could really work out.
In my mind, it already has.
There's a 'guru' of sorts I've watched.
Called Abraham Hicks.
There were a couple of things that were said.
About how we can plant a seed
but we can't be stomping on the ground
trying to force it to grow.
I forget how it was worded exactly.
Another thing was that if we served everything
we could eat during the course of our lifetimes...
At one sitting, it would be too much.
So if we got everything we ever wanted all at once,
it'd be too much for us all at once.
And the restaurant example.
It was like: When we go to a restaurant,
we just place our order and we know
that it's being prepared.
We won't have control about
how it's prepared
where the ingredients came from
how long it takes
who's (behind the scenes) in the kitchen...
It's not our job to know these things
and we don't have to know these things
to be able to enjoy a good meal.
But we know that it's on its way to us
because we asked it to be prepared for us.
That's how a restauarant works.
So does the Universe work any differently?
Perhaps not.
So these sincere wishes I have...
I'm putting those out there.
Because you never know...
Also, I'm trying to believe in miracles...
Because they can happen.
And not all surprises are bad.
I've been hit out of left field by a lot of things.
Not all of them were great.
A lot of sh*tty things...
But sometimes, we can have good surprises, too.
Like meeting that chef fellow I mentioned.
All the great people I've met along the way.
And a lot of things I never saw coming...
Not all of it was sh*tty.
Good things can be things we never saw coming, right?
Just like not-so-good things...
I keep thinking about that ride to my first group-home.
It was the same day that my mother left me there.
I literally watched her and my Grandmother drive away.
Not knowing where I'd end up.
BUT I STILL KEPT MY MOTHER IN MY LIFE
AFTER EVERYTHING.
Mostly for my Grandmother's sake.
I don't know why I keep thinking about it.
I think it has to do with the fact
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE WE WERE GOING.
And my 'case worker' was driving me there.
All I knew was another chapter of my life was starting.
That's pretty much all I knew.
NOT WHERE I WAS GOING.
NOTHING ABOUT THAT.
That was the first group home
they later turned it into a foster home
and it was my first foster home.
That was the group home where the girl took my "diary."
The first one I went AWOL from.
I used to hitchhike to my Grandparents' cottage.
That time the guy put his hand on my knee...
That was the last time I hitched a ride up there.
The cottage itself still exists, but it got moved off the lot.
My Grandmother got undersold on it.
The neighbors, the woman was my Grandmother's lawyer.
And they convinced my Grandmother to sell it cheap.
Then they moved the actual cottage off the lot
So they could build a house on the lot and they sold that...
For much more they bought it for. By a lot.
Anyway, I loved that place so much.
My Grandfather built it with his father
when my Grandmother was pregnant with my mother.
In the early 60s.
My Grandmother was in her 40s or late 30s.
Probably unexpected.
I was probably unexpected, too.
My mother was 21, my father was 19.
I was 19 when my son was born.
As I got older, I realized how it was for my father.
Keeping me waiting for him... That hurt.
I'd be ready for him to come pick me up
for a weekend together....
WAITING ALL DAY, WATCHING FOR HIM...
EXCITED TO SEE HIM...
AND HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.
I can't remember how many times.
At least a few before I decided that I didn't want to...
BECAUSE HE KEPT LETTING ME DOWN.
The worst one... Was he was supposed to take me
downtown for the fireworks...
One time, he did take me downtown for the fireworks.
THAT WAS A HUGE THING AS A KID...
Anyway, he got me new shoes that were giving me blisters.
So he let me walk around in my socks.
I'll always remember that.
Those socks were toast after walking around downtown...
He used to take me swimming.
I always admired his arms. I don't know why.
In kindergarten, before I met my father...
(Or knew he was my father).
I think I met him when I was two years old,
but too young to remember...
My parents split before I was born.
Anyway, in kindergarten, I wanted big arms.
I don't know why...
I started working on my arms when I was around 8.
Using kinetics or whatever, not weights.
Just tension.
My biceps compared to my wrists... It's funny.
Once, a guy saw my biceps and wanted us
to measure our biceps to see who's were bigger.
I measured 21inches, his 28 inces lol.
He had loaned me a pair of shorts.
For whatever reason, my cat p*ssed on them.
She never did that before. I don't know why she did.
So he wanted to get them back from me,
but I had to tell him that my cat p*ssed on them, lol.
Wasn't happy about it, but I had to be honest about it.
Also, once we went to get some groceries and his car wouldn't start.
So he called a tow truck and I squeezed in there
with him and the driver.
I think I had to sit on his lap because there were only two seats lol.
It was funny he wanted to see who's biceps were bigger, though.
I have bigger biceps than some of my guy friends.
But they weren't working on their arms, at all.
And yes, it takes time to build up muscle.
Some dudes find it intimidating. That's fine.
Some dudes find a lot about me intimidating.
Like my confidence, being direct etc.
Even speaking up about stuff.
That shouldn't be intimidating.
Maybe what's intimidating about it
is they can't manipulate me.
Either that or they aren't used to it.
Can't really see why they would be intimidated by that.
Maybe because they can't "read" me.
Most of the time, I don't "let" them.
Because I keep everything and myself contained.
More so for my "protection."
Hard to explain that.
More so protecting my "energy."
Hard to explain that, too.
I've felt absolutely drained around some people.
"Energy vampires" are real.
Some of them do it on purpose,
some of them don't know they are doing it,
but for sure I've been vamped.
I don't like it, it makes me feel gross.
It's a gross energy.
It's an energy "pull," but "pulled" out of me...
Like once they "latch" on, they do whatever
to keep pulling it out of me.
UNTIL I WANT TO NOT BE AROUND THEM.
I HAVE TO RETREAT AND REPLENISH MY ENERGY.
BECAUSE I CAN ONLY TAKE 'SO MUCH' OF IT.
It's hard to explain how it feels.
All I can say is that it doesn't feel good.
If they were okay in their own energy,
they wouldn't be trying to vamp mine.
People who vamp energy aren't good in their own.
BECAUSE IF THEY WERE, THEY WOULDN'T BE
TAKING, TAKING, TAKING, TAKING.
In all kinds of ways.
But when you give, give, give, give, give...
To someone who takes, takes, takes, takes...
THAT SOMEHOW BECOMES THE DYNAMIC.
And they bank on you giving 'to be nice.'
When I told someone I had loaned money to...
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP LOANING MONEY
BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO USE ME LIKE A BANK...
SHE ACTUALLY GOT MAD AT ME.
TRIED TO GUILT ME ABOUT IT.
"I would do it for you."
NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO
AT ALL, LET ALONE JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO.
That was a control thing.
GUILTING IS A CONTROL TACTIC.
TO "MAKE" YOU FEEL GUILTY.
TO "GET" YOU TO DO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO.
See me ever ask her for money? Let alone anything?
What I asked her was to stop treating me the way she was.
Because I DON'T LIKE IT.
AND I WASN'T TREATING HER LIKE THAT.
But I guess what I was getting at...
IS DOING THINGS JUST TO BE NICE...
AND THEN THEY COME TO EXPECT IT.
WHEN NOBODY OWED IT TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
There are a few people I want to introduce to each other.
And I think this is the year
for some of that to happen.
If all goes well, things can be great.
Nothing wrong for having these hopes.
And it'd be cool to be able to get this going, soon.
I have a few people to talk with about it and then go from there.
Who knows? Could turn out better than I could hope for.
Good ideas could be turned into better ideas...
And that's why it's cool to plan with others, too.
Never know who can help and how.
There are opportunities out there and they can be made.
That's why I want to create a few opportunities.
I'll have TO BE CLEAR THAT I HAVE NO OTHER AGENDA.
Or else, maybe they'll think I do.
It bothers me when they do.
I don't know why.
Maybe because I don't and they aren't used to it.
Because everyone wants 'something,' supposedly.
So, the sooner this can start, the better.
In a few days, I'll go back and see about it.
I gave my number to the person to give to another person
and I haven't heard back, yet.
So, in a few days, I'll go ask, again.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I can think about.
And I'm happy in these thoughts.
It's like conspiring to benefit someone.
If all goes well, it could really work out.
In my mind, it already has.
There's a 'guru' of sorts I've watched.
Called Abraham Hicks.
There were a couple of things that were said.
About how we can plant a seed
but we can't be stomping on the ground
trying to force it to grow.
I forget how it was worded exactly.
Another thing was that if we served everything
we could eat during the course of our lifetimes...
At one sitting, it would be too much.
So if we got everything we ever wanted all at once,
it'd be too much for us all at once.
And the restaurant example.
It was like: When we go to a restaurant,
we just place our order and we know
that it's being prepared.
We won't have control about
how it's prepared
where the ingredients came from
how long it takes
who's (behind the scenes) in the kitchen...
It's not our job to know these things
and we don't have to know these things
to be able to enjoy a good meal.
But we know that it's on its way to us
because we asked it to be prepared for us.
That's how a restauarant works.
So does the Universe work any differently?
Perhaps not.
So these sincere wishes I have...
I'm putting those out there.
Because you never know...
Also, I'm trying to believe in miracles...
Because they can happen.
And not all surprises are bad.
I've been hit out of left field by a lot of things.
Not all of them were great.
A lot of sh*tty things...
But sometimes, we can have good surprises, too.
Like meeting that chef fellow I mentioned.
All the great people I've met along the way.
And a lot of things I never saw coming...
Not all of it was sh*tty.
Good things can be things we never saw coming, right?
Just like not-so-good things...
I keep thinking about that ride to my first group-home.
It was the same day that my mother left me there.
I literally watched her and my Grandmother drive away.
Not knowing where I'd end up.
BUT I STILL KEPT MY MOTHER IN MY LIFE
AFTER EVERYTHING.
Mostly for my Grandmother's sake.
I don't know why I keep thinking about it.
I think it has to do with the fact
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE WE WERE GOING.
And my 'case worker' was driving me there.
All I knew was another chapter of my life was starting.
That's pretty much all I knew.
NOT WHERE I WAS GOING.
NOTHING ABOUT THAT.
That was the first group home
they later turned it into a foster home
and it was my first foster home.
That was the group home where the girl took my "diary."
The first one I went AWOL from.
I used to hitchhike to my Grandparents' cottage.
That time the guy put his hand on my knee...
That was the last time I hitched a ride up there.
The cottage itself still exists, but it got moved off the lot.
My Grandmother got undersold on it.
The neighbors, the woman was my Grandmother's lawyer.
And they convinced my Grandmother to sell it cheap.
Then they moved the actual cottage off the lot
So they could build a house on the lot and they sold that...
For much more they bought it for. By a lot.
Anyway, I loved that place so much.
My Grandfather built it with his father
when my Grandmother was pregnant with my mother.
In the early 60s.
My Grandmother was in her 40s or late 30s.
Probably unexpected.
I was probably unexpected, too.
My mother was 21, my father was 19.
I was 19 when my son was born.
As I got older, I realized how it was for my father.
Keeping me waiting for him... That hurt.
I'd be ready for him to come pick me up
for a weekend together....
WAITING ALL DAY, WATCHING FOR HIM...
EXCITED TO SEE HIM...
AND HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.
I can't remember how many times.
At least a few before I decided that I didn't want to...
BECAUSE HE KEPT LETTING ME DOWN.
The worst one... Was he was supposed to take me
downtown for the fireworks...
One time, he did take me downtown for the fireworks.
THAT WAS A HUGE THING AS A KID...
Anyway, he got me new shoes that were giving me blisters.
So he let me walk around in my socks.
I'll always remember that.
Those socks were toast after walking around downtown...
He used to take me swimming.
I always admired his arms. I don't know why.
In kindergarten, before I met my father...
(Or knew he was my father).
I think I met him when I was two years old,
but too young to remember...
My parents split before I was born.
Anyway, in kindergarten, I wanted big arms.
I don't know why...
I started working on my arms when I was around 8.
Using kinetics or whatever, not weights.
Just tension.
My biceps compared to my wrists... It's funny.
Once, a guy saw my biceps and wanted us
to measure our biceps to see who's were bigger.
I measured 21inches, his 28 inces lol.
He had loaned me a pair of shorts.
For whatever reason, my cat p*ssed on them.
She never did that before. I don't know why she did.
So he wanted to get them back from me,
but I had to tell him that my cat p*ssed on them, lol.
Wasn't happy about it, but I had to be honest about it.
Also, once we went to get some groceries and his car wouldn't start.
So he called a tow truck and I squeezed in there
with him and the driver.
I think I had to sit on his lap because there were only two seats lol.
It was funny he wanted to see who's biceps were bigger, though.
I have bigger biceps than some of my guy friends.
But they weren't working on their arms, at all.
And yes, it takes time to build up muscle.
Some dudes find it intimidating. That's fine.
Some dudes find a lot about me intimidating.
Like my confidence, being direct etc.
Even speaking up about stuff.
That shouldn't be intimidating.
Maybe what's intimidating about it
is they can't manipulate me.
Either that or they aren't used to it.
Can't really see why they would be intimidated by that.
Maybe because they can't "read" me.
Most of the time, I don't "let" them.
Because I keep everything and myself contained.
More so for my "protection."
Hard to explain that.
More so protecting my "energy."
Hard to explain that, too.
I've felt absolutely drained around some people.
"Energy vampires" are real.
Some of them do it on purpose,
some of them don't know they are doing it,
but for sure I've been vamped.
I don't like it, it makes me feel gross.
It's a gross energy.
It's an energy "pull," but "pulled" out of me...
Like once they "latch" on, they do whatever
to keep pulling it out of me.
UNTIL I WANT TO NOT BE AROUND THEM.
I HAVE TO RETREAT AND REPLENISH MY ENERGY.
BECAUSE I CAN ONLY TAKE 'SO MUCH' OF IT.
It's hard to explain how it feels.
All I can say is that it doesn't feel good.
If they were okay in their own energy,
they wouldn't be trying to vamp mine.
People who vamp energy aren't good in their own.
BECAUSE IF THEY WERE, THEY WOULDN'T BE
TAKING, TAKING, TAKING, TAKING.
In all kinds of ways.
But when you give, give, give, give, give...
To someone who takes, takes, takes, takes...
THAT SOMEHOW BECOMES THE DYNAMIC.
And they bank on you giving 'to be nice.'
When I told someone I had loaned money to...
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP LOANING MONEY
BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO USE ME LIKE A BANK...
SHE ACTUALLY GOT MAD AT ME.
TRIED TO GUILT ME ABOUT IT.
"I would do it for you."
NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO
AT ALL, LET ALONE JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO.
That was a control thing.
GUILTING IS A CONTROL TACTIC.
TO "MAKE" YOU FEEL GUILTY.
TO "GET" YOU TO DO WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO.
See me ever ask her for money? Let alone anything?
What I asked her was to stop treating me the way she was.
Because I DON'T LIKE IT.
AND I WASN'T TREATING HER LIKE THAT.
But I guess what I was getting at...
IS DOING THINGS JUST TO BE NICE...
AND THEN THEY COME TO EXPECT IT.
WHEN NOBODY OWED IT TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
No comments:
Post a Comment