For Their Own

For the last 6 years or so I've been slandered etc
Well, it went on for longer than this...
BECAUSE WITHOUT IT THEY WOULDN'T GET THEIR WAY.
It was because they didn't want someone I knew
TO LOOK AT ME IN A TYPE OF WAY.
THEY DIDN'T WANT US TO DATE.
So they had to try to do or say whatever
AND TO TRY TO GET THEM TO BELIEVE IT.

BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY WORK
IF THEY BELIEVE IT.

THIS is part of why I don't bother dating.
BUT WHY GO OUT OF YOUR WAY
TO TRY TO KEEP TWO PEOPLE APART?
FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT?

Or it wouldn't be a big deal. Except it was.

That's what happened. 
AND THE TRUTH WILL HOPEFULLY COME OUT.

But I wasn't depending on getting with anyone
FOR ANY REASON.

IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM
IF NOBODY MADE IT INTO A PROBLEM.

I'D JUST BE ALLOWED TO NOT BE INTERFERED WITH.
THERE WAS AT LEAST ONE REASON THEY DID IT.
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO INSTEAD OF ME.
FOR A REASON.

THAT'S WHY THEY COULDN'T JUST LET ME.
BECAUSE I WAS IN THE WAY OF WHAT THEY WANT.

Having anything I wanted never came easy.
BECAUSE THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE IT.

BECAUSE SEEING ME HAPPY P*SSED THEM OFF.
THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE ME GETTING 
SOMETHING THEY WANTED.

BUT WHAT THEY WANTED WASN'T PART OF
WHAT I WANTED.

If everyone knew that, if they actually knew ME
THE LIES AND SLANDER AND BS
WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLE
BECAUSE THEY WOULD ALL KNOW
THAT IT WAS ALL BULLSH*T.

BUT WHY COME ASK ME IF ANYTHING IS TRUE?
WHY NOT BELIEVE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME?
WHY WOULD PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME
BE TALKING ABOUT ME?

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO PAINT A TYPE OF PICTURE OF ME
FOR PEOPLE TO WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM ME.

This sh*t is an old tactic. 
Don't know why it still seems to work.
BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD
TO SEE IT'S BULLSH*T.

IT ONLY WORKS IF THEY ASSUME
THAT WHAT THEY ARE SAYING IS TRUE.

So they need INFLUENCE.
TO GET PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THE BS.
And it ONLY works if they BELIEVE IT.


Someone put it this way:
WHY WOULD THEY CHECK TO SEE IF IT WAS TRUE?
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T BE ALL LIKE:
So and so said such and such... Is it true?

BECAUSE THEY BELIEVE WHATEVER
SO AND SO HAS TO SAY ABOUT WHATEVER.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD SO AND SO SAY THAT
IF IT WASN'T TRUE?

Well, so and so has their reasons for saying it.
BECAUSE SO AND SO DOESN'T WANT YOU
TO HAVE OR GET SOMETHING THEY WANT.
OR ELSE WHY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY?

Because there would be no reason to stay away from me
IF THERE WERE NO LIES ABOUT ME. Get it?

This is why they try to make me seem CRAZY.
TO TRY TO GET ME TO DEFEND MYSELF.
AND THEY TRY TO USE THAT AGAINST ME, TOO.
IT'S HAPPENED SO MANY DAMN TIMES IN MY LIFE.

It's bullsh*t to do to someone
ALL BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY.

Because if I got ANY positive attention, 
THEY WOULDN'T BE GETTING IT.

THAT IS WHY THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND
AND THAT'S WHY THEY TRY TO GET RID OF ME.
OR ELSE, WHY TRY TO?
WHY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO TRY TO?

And it's wild that they'd even do it.
TO GET OR HAVE SOMETHING THEY WANT.
THAT THEY DON'T WANT ME TO GET OR HAVE.

BUT ATTENTION WASN'T WHAT I WAS AFTER.
LONG AGO, MAYBE.

BUT I'M AWARE THERE'S UNWANTED ATTENTION, TOO.

Unwanted attention like coming to the attention of those
WHO WANT AN OPPORTUNITY OR A CHANCE
INSTEAD OF ME.
WHO WOULD GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO TAKE IT.
FROM ME OR ANYONE ELSE.
BUT THEY SEEM TO TARGET ME
BECAUSE I'M A THREAT TO THEM.

Am I trying to be a threat to them? No.
BECAUSE I'M NOT TRYING TO DO SOMETHING
FOR THE SAME REASON THEY ARE.
I'M NOT TRYING TO GET JUST TO HAVE.
I DON'T OPERATE THE WAY THEY DO
OR I WOULD BE DOING THIS SH*T TO THEM.

AND DEEP DOWN, THEY KNOW I WOULD BE
IF I WAS THAT KIND OF PERSON.
BECAUSE THEY ARE AND THEY DO THAT.

AND THEY KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM
SOMEHOW, FROM SPYING AND STALKING ETC.
AND THEY DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE ME AS I AM.
BECAUSE THAT MIGHT BE SOMEWHAT INTRIGUING
AND MAYBE PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO KNOW MORE.

SO THEY CUT THAT OFF BY KILLING ANY INTEREST.
ANY REMOTE INTEREST.

What they didn't account for is MY INTEREST.
BEING AROUND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
WHO ARE SO EASY TO MANIPULATE
THAT THEY GO ALONG WITH THE NARRATIVE
OF WHO I SUPPOSEDLY AM...

THAT DOESN'T INTEREST ME.

BECAUSE THEY COULD THINK FOR THEMSELVES
INSTEAD OF LETTING PEOPLE
WHO WANT THEM TO BELIEVE LIES ABOUT ME
TELL THEM WHAT TO THINK ABOUT ME.

BUT INSTEAD OF THINKING FOR THEMSELVES,
THEY'D RATHER JOIN UP WITH PEOPLE
WHO WERE ALREADY AGAINST ME
FOR EVEN BEING IN THE PICTURE.

UNTIL I DON'T CARE FOR BEING IN THE PICTURE.
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT THE PICTURE
I CARE TO BE IN.

All it does is push me further into myself
WHERE I GIVE MORE AND MORE AND MORE TO MYSELF.
That's why I am where I am in my life, in myself.
That's why I know myself to the level I know myself.
BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.

People who don't know themselves
SEEK EVERYTHING FROM EVERYONE.
THEY MANIPULATE, USE, ETC.

When they think about what success could look like for me
THEY FEEL EVEN MORE THREATENED
SO THEY HAVE TO TRY EVEN HARDER 
TO TRY TO QUELL ME.

INSTEAD OF WORKING ON THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID,
THEY'D FEEL SECURE WITHIN THEMSELVES.
AND THEY WOULDN'T LOOK AT ME
AS A THREAT TO THEM.

THEREFORE THEY WOULDN'T THREATEN ME.
OR TRY TO.
BECAUSE... AM I DOING THAT?
No? Why? Because I'm not focused on them?
LET ALONE OBSESSED WITH TRYING TO DAMAGE
MY "REPUTATION."

That's why I mostly stick to myself. 
PEOPLE WOULD SERIOUSLY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO TRY TO RUIN MY 'REPUTATION'

JUST TO GET PEOPLE TO NOT 'LOOK' AT ME.
In any sense of the word.

Because to "see" me would be to "look" at me.
Why would someone who gets jealous want someone to "look" at me?

Anyway, without crap like this, I'm good on my own. 
Been good on my own. For a long time.
So this crap that's supposed to bother me actually doesn't.
Sure, it's annoying that people do that.

BUT IT'S SAD THAT THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO
JUST TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANT.

WANT IT BAD ENOUGH TO GET IT THE RIGHT WAY.
NOT BY TRYING TO TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

WHETHER A CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE...
(who has the choice and free will)
WHICH GETS MESSED WITH
WHEN PEOPLE BELIEVE LIES.

Because they'll act according to what they believe.

If they want to believe the worst about you...
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY WILL TREAT YOU?

People who want to ruin something know how to do it.
By saying whatever they want to try to get the effects they want.

LIKE EVERYONE WANTS ME TO CARE ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.
DO THEY CARE ABOUT MINE?
DID THEY EVER?

Like my mother signed her rights away
knowing she couldn't get them back
BUT DID SHE CARE?
WHERE I WENT FROM THERE?
ANYTHING ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT THAT?

NO, BECAUSE IT WAS ABOUT HER.
WHAT SHE WANTED AND WANTS.

Did she act like they just took me away?
To get sympathy from people
WHO SHE WOULDN'T ADMIT THE TRUTH TO?
SYMPATHY GETS HER ATTENTION.

I don't want attention. It would have been cool
IF THEY PAID ATTENTION ENOUGH
TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM
WHAT I KEEP TELLING THEM...
THAT WOULD BE COOL. 
APART FROM THAT, I DON'T WANT THE ATTENTION.
LIKE PERSONALLY, I DON'T REALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT.
BECAUSE I'M THINKING:
WHAT IS THIS FOR?

I DON'T EVEN LIKE THINKING THAT.
BUT EACH TIME, IN THE PAST... IT WAS FOR SOMETHING.
NOT JUST BECAUSE THEY CARED.

But it also bothers me that when I try to give someone my attention
and they think I f*cking want something from them.

Then you go out of your way to TRY TO SHOW THEM
THAT YOU DON'T AND DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING
FROM THEM...

THEY STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT.
SO THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN SHOW THEM
AFTER THAT IS TO JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
THEY'LL STILL BE CONVINCED THAT YOU WERE THERE
FOR A REASON. FOR SOMETHING.

THEN YOU'RE NOT THERE FOR A REASON.
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING.


When you never wanted anything from anyone, 
you can go on your own way, not wanting anything from anyone.
WITHOUT PARTING IN ANGER
BECAUSE WHAT IS THERE TO BE ANGRY ABOUT
WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING?

Someone told me that the only reason I get mad
is because I didn't get something I wanted.

Yes, it's a pain not to get "your way."

BUT THE TIMES I GOT P*SSED OFF THE MOST
WERE TIMES THERE WERE NO REASONS
NOT TO TREAT ME
THE WAY THEY WOULDN'T TREAT OTHERS.

AND THAT ISN'T MUCH TO ASK FOR
AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK FOR THAT.
TO BE TREATED THE WAY
THEY WOULD TREAT SOMEONE THEY RESPECT.
NOT SO HARD.

AND WHY THAT EVEN BOTHERS ME, I DON'T KNOW.


PROBABLY BECAUSE OTHERS JUST GET TREATED WITH RESPECT.
AND THEY DON'T GET PUT THROUGH ALL KINDS OF TRASH.
AND GET TREATED WORSE FOR STANDING UP FOR THEMSELF.

That's the kind of sh*t I'm not taking.

BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TREATED ME WITH RESPECT
LIKE THEY WOULD TREAT OTHER PEOPLE.
ESPECIALLY CERTAIN PEOPLE
WHO WOULD WALK TF AWAY
IF THEY WERE EVER TO TREAT THEM LIKE THAT
SO THEY WOULDN'T.

AND WHY WOULD THEY ANYWAY?
WOULD THEY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

So yeah, been through enough sh*t...
THAT I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO IT AGAIN.
AGAIN FOR MORE OF THE SAME?

TAKE ME FOR GRANTED UNTIL I'M NOT THERE?
AND ONLY THEN WANT TO BE BACK IN MY LIFE?

Because why would A*** go anywhere? She loves me!

SURE, I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT I'M JUST GOING TO BE HERE
TO TAKE ALL THAT BULLSH*T
THAT THEY KNOW IS BULLSH*T...

THEM KNOWING IT'S BULLSH*T...
WHY WOULD THEY EXPECT ME TO TAKE THAT?
Because nothing matters unless they get what THEY want?
AND WHY SHOULD I GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
IF NOTHING MATTERS BUT WHAT THEY WANT?


JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE
DOESN'T MEAN I DESERVED ALL KINDS OF SH*T.

BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE JUST RETURNED IT.
OR JUST BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO F*CK RIGHT OFF.

So when I exit from "relationships" or "friendships"
WHERE I WAS ONLY THERE TO GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED
AND THEY DIDN'T CARE WHAT I WANTED...

Once I exited that, it's like they want me back in their life
BUT WHEN I WAS THERE,
DID I GET TO SAY HOW I FELT?
DID I GET TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?
OR WAS IT ONLY ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED?

IT's LIKE THEY WANTED CONTROL SO BAD
OF ME AND HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT ME, ETC.
THEY'LL SAY WHATEVER TO GET SYMPATHY
FOR SOMETHING THEY DID WRONG
LIKE IT WASN'T WRONG AT ALL...
AND IT WAS ALL MY FAULT
AND I'M THE BAD PERSON WHO DOESN'T CARE...

IF I DIDN'T CARE...
WHY WAS I THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
WAS I THERE BECAUSE I WANTED SOMETHING?!?!
If I wanted something I'd still be there
JUST FOR THE THING THAT I SUPPOSEDLY WANTED.

And when you don't give control to someone who wants it.
Over you. They'll try to make you look bad
FOR NOT WANTING TO BE CONTROLED.
THEY KNOW THEY WERE TRYING TO CONTROL YOU
WHETHER THEY WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT.

BUT THEY CAN'T TELL EVERYONE
THEY WERE TRYING TO CONTROL YOU.

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MANIPULATE
IF THEY TELL EVERYONE THEY DO THAT.

Even the "best" manipulators can't. 
BECAUSE I SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
I RESENT THEM FOR EVEN TRYING TO DO IT.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I JUST GIVE THEM
CONTROL OVER ME?
I can see that they want that because they try to do it.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE TRIED TO DO THAT.
I SAW THROUGH IT.

If they knew they wouldn't possibly get away with it
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T TRY TO DO IT.

Like that guy who pulled it out when I was talking to him.
like wtf? Just because I take the time out of my life
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU
DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO PULL IT OUT
AND EXPECT WHATEVER TF YOU EXPECTED.

What was going through his head?
She's nice enough to talk to me.
Maybe she's nice enough to x,y,z?

Like that guy who invited me back to his friend's place.
Who wanted a neck massage.
"maybe she'll ask for one from me
and I'll get to touch her..."

Why can't it just be about the conversation?
Why does it have to be about some fantasy they get in their head?
Or trying to have control?
Y'know?

It doesn't have to be ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN
THE CONVERSATION.

THE PEOPLE I'VE HAD THE BEST CONVERSATIONS WITH
NEVER OWED ME THOSE CONVERSATIONS.

Since they didn't owe me those conversations
DID THEY OWE ME ANYTHING ELSE?

NO. NOT EVEN IN MY WILDEST DREAMS.
so can I be mad at them that they don't?
CAN THEY BE MAD AT ME BECAUSE I DON'T?

THEY CAN BE MAD AT ME
BUT IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I DON'T OWE THEM.

That's like how some people have meltdowns.

I watched a video of a wife having a meltdown 
because he husband had enough of her immaturity 
and wanted to end the relationship.

He recorded him telling her and how she reacted.
Obviously, she didn't take it well.
But she acted entitled. 
As though she was entitled to the relationship.
And she freaked out and tried to hide in his truck.

THE GUY JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU.
WHY DOES HE WANT YOU HIDING IN HIS TRUCK?

Maybe he just wants you to accept his choice. 
Just pack up your stuff and go somewhere.

Isn't that the mature thing to do?
BECAUSE ISN'T IT HIS CHOICE?

IF HE NO LONGER WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE
PERHAPS THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.

Some people will make sh*t up to JUSTIFY what they did.
They have to be "right" about their point of view.
AND EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG.

They need to put the blame on someone
FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS.

FOR SOMEONE TO BE WRONG
SO THEY CAN BE RIGHT.

It's like people can even be jealous
OF SOMEONE'S POTENTIAL.


They'd rather blame than admit they were wrong. 
They'd rather REFUSE to admit they were responsible
FOR ANYTHING.


SO THEY'D RATHER SPIN IT THEIR WAY.
TELLING LIES TO TRY TO  JUSTIFY SOMETHING.
INSTEAD OF JUST ADMITTING THEY WERE WRONG.

Even people I've helped...
AND THEY'LL REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
THEY WON'T TALK ABOUT WHEN I WAS THERE.
Won't say one good thing about me
or anything I did when I was doing it.

NOPE. JUST WHEN THEY DIDN'T GET THEIR WAY.
I AM TO BLAME FOR WHY THEY DIDN'T?
NOT EVER THEM, RIGHT?
It's never them. EVER.
ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE.

AM I THE ONE DOING IT?
OR ARE THEY DOING IT TO THEMSELF?

Did I do stuff to myself? Yeah, I did.
If I'm the one putting myself through all kinds of crap...
I'M THE ONE DOING IT.
TO MYSELF.

WHY blame someone else?
I DON'T HAVE TO.

JUST LIKE THEY DON'T HAVE TO BLAME ME
FOR THEIR OWN BS.