When You Want To Show Up For Yourself, Too

The thing I was mentioning in the last post.
People can't EXPECT US TO BE THERE FOR THEM
EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

I poured into her for a week.
I showed up for her every day, all day.

Were her neighbors showing up ALL DAY?
No, they came and they went.
THEY WERE ALLOWED.

IF I WAS ALLOWED, 
IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A BIG DEAL.

TO THE POINT SHE LITERALLY REPLACES ME.

When you show up for someone
AND LITERALLY OVER EXTEND YOURSELF
THEY'LL KEEP EXPECTING YOU TO DO IT.

BECAUSE THEY GET TOO COMFORTABLE
TAKING YOU AND WHAT YOU DO FOR GRANTED.

THAT WHEN YOU STOP, THEY GET MAD.
SO MAD THAT THEY REPLACE YOU?

This seems to happen more often than not.
Because they get too comfortable expecting 
TO GET WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME

BUT WHEN I WANT SOMETHING...
LIKE NOT BEING TREATED LIKE THAT...

That's what I get. I get treated like that.

If people want to replace you, let them.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYONE FAVORS
TO BEGIN WITH...
BUT IF YOU ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING
AND THEN TURN AROUND AND ASK SOMEONE ELSE
DON'T ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING.

I'D RATHER NOT BE ASKED
THAN HAVE SOMEONE ASK ME
THEN TURN AROUND AND ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

and go as far as give me a key to ask for it back.

She has the right to change her mind
and have her key back, 

but don't act like you're my friend
UNTIL YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT
AND WHAT WAS WHAT I WANTED?

WAS I EVEN ASKED? WHAT I WANTED?
MAYBE THE SAME RESPECT I GIVE THEM?
BY NOT TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO.
AND LISTENING TO THEM.
NOT GASLIGHTING. 
NOT GIVING EXCUSES.

LET ALONE DO THIS SH*T
AND THINK THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

Because if I did the exact same shit to anyone
AND THEY DIDN'T JUST PUT UP WITH IT
IT WOULD BE THEIR RIGHT NOT TO.

I started getting texts from a random guy
he'd met me on a chat thing over a year ago. 

We were supposed to meet, he didn't show up.
I moved on, he hasn't. 

So he put me on the spot by asking me if I'm still single
and if I would still meet him. 

It's uncomfortable because I'd already moved on. 
And just because I'm single doesn't mean that I want to meet, still.

I should have just be allowed to move on, 
but I was the one who answered his text.
Because I didn't know who it was.

Usually, when people contact me, they want something.
Whether it's to pour into them because they can't pour into themselves, 
Or they want me to do favors.
(Not those kind. I don't do those kind).

Like the guy who wanted me to watch the cat
and wanted to come over to see the cat...

And some guys trying to put me in weird situations.
Another guy did that with me, with a bird. 
A couple of times, but I don't hear from them
JUST TO SAY HELLO.

JUST WHEN THEY GIVE THEMSELVES AN EXCUSE
TO TALK TO ME.

Maybe I don't want to be treated like that, either.

So I put my time into myself, now.
BECAUSE WHEN I SHOWED UP FOR PEOPLE
BECAUSE I EITHER OFFERED TO DO SOMETHING
OR THEY ASKED METO DO SOMETHING

THEY TOOK THAT AND ME FOR GRANTED.
AND THEN DID A BUNCH OF BS AFTER THAT.

When what did I want?
I wanted them to take responsibility for themselves.

BY NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING FROM ME.
LET ALONE TO DO WHAT I AM TOLD.

BECAUSE I'M NOT A CHILD.
I AM NOT UNDER YOUR CONTROL.

THAT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME.
Whether it's a friendship or otherwise.

Then guilt trip me further by replacing me
to do a favor I was going out of my way to do?

Like does ANYONE SEE ANYTHING 
FROM MY PERSPECTIVE?

I'm the one walking away because it was too  much. 
Trying to make me feel bad on top of it
LIKE I'M WALKING AWAY WHEN SHE NEEDS ME.

SHE DOESN'T NEED ME
IF SHE'S GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK, RIGHT?

It's that when I take away what I was giving, freely, 
MY TIME AND EVEN AS MUCH PATIENCE...
BUT EVERYONE HAS A LIMIT
AND I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE MINE.
AND TO HAVE TIME TO  MYSELF.

That I've been taking like I have a right to do.
But it's like she expected me to apologize or something
SOMETHING
BECAUSE WHEN SHE DIDN'T GET IT
SHE ASKED SOMEONE ELSE.

I understand needing emotional support, 
but to the point that you get what you want
ALL THE DAMN TIME
AND TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.
AND MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

To the point you can't see what you're doing
AND HOW IT AFFECTS OTHER PEOPLE.

Who CHOSE TO BE THERE.
I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THERE.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO A LOT OF THINGS.
I CHOSE TO DO THOSE THINGS.

JUST LIKE EVERYONE CHOOSES
TO DO THE THINGS THEY HAVE CHOSEN TO DO TO ME.

Like "we're not friends anymore because you won't
VALIDATE MY FEELINGS..."
WHEN THEY DON'T SEEM TO RECOGNIZE
THEY MIGHT FEEL HOW I DO IF THEY WERE ME.

Like I had already left
and you wanted to guilt trip me
ONE MORE TIME AS I WAS LEAVING
AND THEN AGAIN WHILE YOU REPLACE ME
WHICH IS FINE, DO THAT, 
BUT... It just feels like more manipulation.

TO GET ME TO COME BACK.
WHICH I AM TODAY TO GIVE HER KEY BACK.
WHICH I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE DOING.

What I have an issue with is the guilt tripping
and making people feel bad if it's not exactly
how she would have wanted it
EVEN WHEN THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.

Is the fact that her mother wanting to speak, too...
And that I wanted to speak, too... 
And that she doesn't want to acknowledge that it is her...

Going through grief is hard enough, I get it.
But I still have my limits.
And I need my boundaries met.
AS A PERSON.
NOT TO BE TALKED INTO DOING ANYTHING.
I'M NOT HERE TRYING TO TALK THEM INTO DOING ANYTHING.

BECAUSE WHAT GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO DO THAT?
TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU LIKE THEM
BUT REALLY, YOU ONLY SEEM TO CARE ABOUT
WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR YOU...

What does it matter what anyone could do for me?
That's not for me to control
JUST BECAUSE I WANT SOMETHING.

"CAN YOU DO THIS?"
"CAN YOU DO THAT?"

And then people just do it.
JUST TO MAKE THE PERSON HAPPY
AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT
AND THEN IT'S NEVER ENOUGH.
Because they just keep asking for more.

Until you've reached the level of
"I'm done being taken advantage of."

I rarely ask for anything.
And I've been lucky for what I've had.
BECAUSE I'M NOT OWED ANYTHING.

But when it's always about THEIR FEELINGS
AND NEVER ABOUT YOURS,
THAT IS WHEN I HAVE REACHED MY LIMIT.

Especially when I've wanted to talk about this
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
AND SHE JUST MAKES EXCUSES FOR IT.
INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT.

AND RECENTLY... That guy...
"There's no excuse for this." Referring to my smashed mirror.

AS THOUGH, IF THERE WAS ONE
HE'D JUST GIVE IT WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT.

Whenever I brought something up, 
ALL HE SAID WAS "I KNOW."
WELL, I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW.

YOU KNEW WHILE YOU DID IT.

And that's it, though? "I know."

Them KNOWING WHY I'M P*SSED OFF.
NOT CARING THAT THEY WOULD BE, TOO.

THEN FINALLY COMING BACK
JUST TO SAY "I KNOW"?

LIKE WHY WOULD I WANT THIS?
Do I even owe it to anyone
WHO REFUSED TO LISTEN TO ME
TO LISTEN TO THEM?

But what was I saying?
Why was I saying it?