When You Do Anything

Someone who asked me to take care of her cats
While she takes a trip. 

Then she got a key made for me.

Then I get a message saying she found someone else
to watch her cats and wants her key back.

It's because whenever I have an issue with something
and I try telling her, she'll give an excuse for it.

Then not only does she tell me what to do
SHE TRIED DOING IT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE.
AND I DIDN'T DO WHAT SHE WANTED.

And cool, she wants her key back. It's not like I asked for it.
I went over to give her some food she didn't even want. 
Asked me to stay, so I stayed.
But I'm not a go-for.
I'm not your "ring your bell"

She asked me to stay for a week. 
I took a week out of MY time, MY life, 
FOR HER.

And nobody can see that. 
Let alone appreciates anything I do.
AND WHEN THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY,
THEY ACT LIKE THIS.

SO WHEN SOMEONE TAKES ME FOR GRANTED.
AND WANTS TO REPLACE ME
WHEN THEY DON'T GET THEIR WAY, 
THEY CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT.

I'm not mad that she found someone else to do it.
I'm not mad she wants her key back. 

I'm bothered that she tries to tell me what to do
GIVES EXCUSES FOR DOING IT
AND DID IT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE ELSE
THEN BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME
LIKE I DON'TCARE ABOUT WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH
WHEN I TOOK A WEEK OUT OF MY TIME FOR HER
WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

And she treated me like this before. 
And that's why I didn't want to invest, again. 

BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN CHOICES.
AND SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO LET ME.

So I'm glad she found someone else.
BUT SHE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME
AND THAT I WALKED AWAY FROM HER
BUT DOESN'T TELL ANYONE WHY
OR WHAT SHE SAID OR DID THAT I DON'T LIKE/WANT.

Like I'm the bad person in this situation. 
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET HER WAY.

So let her 'get her way' with someone else.
She realizes she can't use me because I don't want to be used.

I was there for her as much as I could be
BUT OBVIOUSLY ONLY SO LONG I WILL STAY
BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

LIKE NOTHING I DID FOR HER DURING THE WEEK I STAYED
MEANT ANYTHING OR MATTERED.

Nothing I did for anyone seems to matter.
Except for those who actually appreciates it.

I'd rather not have to or be expected to do something for some
WHO WAS JUST USING ME TO DO STUFF FOR THEM.
BECAUSE IT'S LITERALLY ALL ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT.
ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

So this summer is going to be about what I want to do.
All my time to myself. Without everyone's expectations. 

But it bugs me people trying to make it seem like I don't care
JUST BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT.

Then bringing everyone in to judge me
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED.

I don't have to pander to anyone.
Regardless of what they are going through.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SEEM TO NOT GET ABOUT ME.
AND THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE USED TO.
FROM EVERYONE. JUST NOT ME.

When people aren't ready to see certain things
about themselves and then they try to make it about me, 
yeah, that bothers me.

Like if I didn't want to see certain things about myself
and made it about everyone else, 
it would probably bother people!

And then when THEY DRAIN ALL MY ENERGY
AND I NEED MINE FOR MYSELF
THEN THEY GET MAD 
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LET THEM
DRAIN IT FROM ME?
LIKE EVERY LAST DROP?

She didn't even have to ask me
SINCE SHE HAS OTHER PEOPLE TO ASK
TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER...

Like why bother asking me, making a key for me
just to ask someone else and wants her key back?

BECAUSE SHE DOES AND SAYS THINGS TO ME
THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE
THAT I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH
AND WHEN I SAY I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH IT...

THEN I'M IN THE WRONG
AND DON'T CARE ABOUT HER?
BECAUSE I DON'T OWE HER COMPLIANCE?

The thing is she expected an apology
FOR LEAVING AND WANTING TO LEAVE
AFTER SHE LITERALLY GUILT TRIPPED ME FOR LEAVING
LIKE I OWED HER MY TIME AND ENERGY AND EFFORT
BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH.

Does anyone owe ME their time, energy, or effort
BECAUSE OF WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH?
OR WOULD THAT BE ME FEELING ENTITLED TO THAT?

Regardless of what I'm going through, 
I'm not entitled to anything. 
For one thing. For another thing, I'm not just there
to be taken for granted for a week
AND NOTHING'S SAID ABOUT THAT.

Only my reaction to be guilt tripped
about wanting to leave because of that sh*t.

And to do that in front of someone else.
To try to make me look BAD
for not dropping everything
TO RUN AND DO WHAT I'M BEING TOLD TO DO

WHEN I HAD MY HANDS FULL
AND I WAS ALREADY HALF WAY DOWN THE STREET.

SO I DIDN'T AND JUST LEFT.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF SH*T
THAT P*SSES ME OFF
BECAUSE I DON'T DO THIS SH*T TO THEM.

Like she'll be outside and just ring the doorbell
for me to DROP WHAT I'M DOING
TO COME SEE WHAT SHE WANTS.

LIKE AM I YOUR SERVANT?
just ring your bell, I'll come running
at your beck and call, until I'm not.
WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT TO YOU?

BUT WHEN SOMEONE CAN'T CONTROL YOU
BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET THEM
AND THEY GET MAD
BECAUSE THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO
BE AT SOMEONE'S BECK AND CALL...

Like when someone's so damn selfish
that they can't realize how selfish they are...
AND EVERYTHING THEY TAKE FOR GRANTED
I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THEM.

When someone pushes you away, let them.
Especially when they don't get what they want from you.

Even when they get mad about it.
YOU DON'T OWE EVERYONE WHAT THEY WANT.

When people finally get that...
THEY WILL REALIZE THEY ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING.

ESPECIALLY TO ANYTHING THAT YOU DON'T OWE.

BUT PEOPLE USED TO USING PEOPLE
WHO DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT AND GET MAD
AND GUILT TRIP AND DO THAT SH*T
THEN TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT YOU
LIKE THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO GUILT TRIP
Or manipulate me in any way...

Like it's never an issue with something THEY DO.
Like expecting me to just run up to the door
when she rings the bell 
because she wants me to do something for her...

ISN'T THAT A PRIME EXAMPLE
OF TAKING SOMEONE FOR GRANTED?

ISN'T THAT A PRIME EXAMPLE
FOR TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOMEONE?

But never tells anyone ABOUT THAT.
JUST THAT I "LEFT HER HIGH AND DRY"

AND MAKE ME LOOK BAD
FOR WANTING TO WALK AWAY FROM THAT.

Do I ring MY BELL and expect anyone to come see what I want?
No, because I shouldn't be wanting everything from everyone
let alone THINK that just because I want something
that I should just be given it.

BUT WHEN I TRY TELLING ANYONE THIS
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT
BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM REALIZE
THAT THEY ACTUALLY SHOULDN'T
JUST EXPECT SOMETHING
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING.

And not with me. THEN TRY TO GUILT ME?
TO MAKE ME FEEL AND LOOK BAD?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO PLAY
A STUPID POWER GAME
ABOUT HAVING MY OWN CHOICES
AND NOT BEING THERE TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED
AND CONSTANTLY TOLD WHAT TO DO.

But it seems that when I even TRY to tell them
THAT CERTAIN THINGS I DON'T WANT.
I'm the bad person for taking my time for myself.

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE HOW EXHAUSTING IT IS.
DEALING WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT
BUT giving into it is re-enforcing it.

And anyone getting mad at me for anything working out for me...
Why can't they just be happy for me?
And let me have something?
Can't they?

I've had weird things where people tried blocking me.
Many times in my life.

People wanting me out of the way.

And then other people blocking me
by trying to cling onto me. 
To hold me back...
With them...

Because they don't want to see me
get anywhere I want to go.
Or do what I want to do.

Because, for whatever reason, 
they'd feel some type of way about it.

And then when I take time for myself, 
like I'm allowed to do, 
they want to look at me some type of way
just for doing that.

Because I don't want to be "forced"
through emotional manipulation
or whatever or guilt tripped
into staying to be used some more...

Like guilt trip / smothering.
I don't like any of that.
And when I say that...
There seems to be an issue with that.
With me saying that.
Because she won't address that about herself. 

If she did, that'd be cool. 
Because I'm not cool with that
and I don't do that to anyone.

Like if I don't do everything she wants me to
and I just want to go home because of it
like her just taking advantage

Then she's not admitting it's actually her.
EXPECTING ME TO JUST DO WHAT SHE WANTS.
OR GUILT TRIPS ME ABOUT IT.

TO DO IT TO ME IN FRONT OF SOMEONE, THOUGH.

AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY I DON'T LIKE IT.
Not letting me say why I don't like it.

Why I would have any issue with anything, at all.
BUT THEM EXPECTING ME TO CARE
ABOUT THE THINGS THAT BOTHER THEM.

while not caring about what bothers me.

Walking away from me is just that.
Walking away. I'll stay away. 
I have my own stuff. Enough to keep me happy.

I've been alone for a long time. Does not bother me.
What bothers me is people trying to inflict me
with their insecurities.

It's felt like most people have wanted me to lower myself.
Then want to think whatever about me not wanting to do that.
Even getting mad at me for not wanting to do that.

Like if I want to move forward, by myself, I can.

People who stop talking to me, expecting me to just chase.
Then I don't. Because I'm not about it. 
The games that work on some people don't on me.
I also don't appreciate it.

Jealousy and possessiveness and other crap, 
and then they think I've moved on to someone else
when I've just been on my own.

But the fact that I have a choice is what bothers them.
The fact that I have the choice and they don't want me to make it...
THAT IS WHAT BOTHERS ME.

Or they want me to make the choice that benefits them...
Whether it benefits me or not and then cling
because IT BENEFITS THEM.

AT THE SAME TIME BEING PUSHY 
OR THE WAY THEY JUST EXPECT ALL BENEFITS.
AND DISREGARD YOUR NEEDS...

EVEN WHEN YOU'VE EXPLAINED TO THEM.
MORE THAN ONCE.

And I have a right to take care of myself.
In the ways that I need to, for myself. 
I'm allowed to do that.

If that p*sses people off, then am I at fault?

How long did they want to hold onto me?
What about what is unfair to me?

How about being expected to do certain things?
Like be there every second of every day?
Like to completely comply with stuff I don't like?

Then not even be allowed to say what I don't like.

But I'm not because being assertive
apparently gives people anxiety 
so they have an excuse not to listen to me ffs.

YET THEY WANT ME TO LISTEN TO THEM!

So if giving her the key back is her backing off
BECAUSE SHE WON'T LISTEN, 
THEN IT WON'T BE MY ISSUE
AND I CAN BACK AWAY.

Like how can anyone think they are ENTITLED TO MY HELP
AND THE MINUTE YOU DON'T DO AS YOU'RE TOLD
THEY WANT THEIR KEY BACK
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CONTROL YOU.

That's the kind of ridiculousness.
These are the types of people who judge everyone.

But I was supposed to "be there"
like I was ALL WEEK. DOING 90% OF EVERYTHING.

AND NOBODY ELSE WAS THERE EVERY SECOND.

She told me to go to bed because it was 4am
YET SHE TEXTED ME BACK AT 4:30 AM...

These are things I don't like.
Wanting to control me to the point
SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME TO GO TO BED.

Why do that? I'm an adult.
I don't tell her to go to bed. She's an adult.

People who judge me for not wanting to be told what to do...
YET DON'T TELL ANYONE
THEY WERE LITERALLY TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

It's all about WHAT I'M NOT DOING FOR HER
WHEN AND HOW SHE WANTS ME TO DO IT.

BUT IS SHE MAD AT ANYONE ELSE?
JUST ME BECAUSE I'M NOT AT HER BECK AND CALL?

But doesn't mention anything I did, though.
Just gets mad when I don't.