One Time

Speaking about manipulation...
A guy I knew who is very manipulative...
He knows he is. 

It took me a long time to see it.
Anyway, once, he asked me
TO GO TO AN ADULT STORE WITH HIM.

I didn't want to. First, that's weird,
but I knew there had to be A REASON WHY.

AND AFTER I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO,
HE KEPT ASKING ME WHY
TO LIKE TRY TO TALK ME INTO GOING ANYWAY.

AFTER I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT TO.

He wanted me to go because HE WANTED ME TO GO.
BUT WHY TO AN ADULT STORE?
AND WHY KEEP TRYING TO TALK ME INTO GOING
EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO?

Because going was part of "the plan"
and me not going was not part of "the plan."

I don't know what "the plan" was
but there must have been one
because wanting someone to go to an adult store,
there had to be a reason.

OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED
YET ALONE TRIED TO CONVINCE
AFTER I DECLINED.

These are the kind of tactics people were trying to use on me.

Another time a guy invited me over
knowing AHEAD OF TIME
THAT THE BUSES STOP RUNNING
AT A CERTAIN TIME
AND THEN KEPT ME PAST THE TIME
KNOWING I WOULD HAVE TO STAY OVER
WITH ONLY ONE BED IN THE ROOM
AND TRIED TO PUT MOVES ON ME.

I GOT MAD. That's dishonesty.
BECAUSE IT WASN'T MY PLAN TO STAY.
HE KNEW THAT I WOULD HAVE TO.
BECAUSE... LAST BUS LEFT.

This is the stuff that bothers me.
It's not attractive, at all...

One guy opened the door naked.
That was funny, but otherwise, it bothers me
BECAUSE OUT OF RESPECT
THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

AND IT SHOWS THAT IT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT.
WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT...
IS FOR THEM TO... AT THE VERY LEAST....
NOT F*CKING DO THAT SH*T.

To show me their standards for themselves.
Not to do that sh*t to me.

Do you see why it's hard to trust people?
If they have their motives for their own whatever...
And their whatever has more to do with them than with me.

Most of the time, I want to hide because I just...
Don't want to deal with sneaky people.
Because they want something
so they try doing something to have some sort of outcome with me.

It's weird because I don't want that outcome with just anyone.
If there's nothing there, there's nothing there.
No matter what they try or tried to do.

But the "planning" stuff that I've been bothered by.
Because they plan to fulfill something for themselves, usually.

What was he going to do once he got me to go to the store?
"Let's try this out"? See why these things bother me?
Would I be doing this to them?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT.
It's not about wanting.

It's hard to explain.

All of the secret motive stuff...
It doesn't work because it's not right.

I know because I had my reasons I did some things
and because I did those things for the wrong reasons...
I learned more about myself than anything.
I also realized that it wasn't right.

It was what I was used to seeing.
Thought that's the way things were, but no.
Sure, that's what I was used to seeing, 
but it wasn't about any of that.

It wasn't about what I was used to seeing.
I still see it, yes. 
But what it's actually about, isn't about any of that.
Try telling anyone that, though.

Try telling anyone anything.
If they don't want to listen, will they?

When people are young, they think they already know.
We don't know what we don't know.

From my 20s to now...
The things I'd been focussed on.
The things I thought I wanted.
For me to just be content.

It wasn't ever material though.

But also, a certain level of maturity...