What Did They Expect?

What bothers me is having to walk out of someone's life
FOR THEM TO REALIZE WHAT THEY HAD
OR COULD HAVE HAD WITH ME.

It's been too much SH*T.
Then I accept apologies
WITHOUT ANY CHANGES.
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
THEY COULD JUST COME AND GO...
THAT I'D JUST BE SITTING HERE WAITING
LIKE I HAVE NO LIFE OR NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

Why can't they see it while they had it?
WHILE I WAS RIGHT THERE IN THEIR FACE?
Instead they wanted to be SELFISH AF.

Then think they can just be entitled to yet another chance?
BECAUSE THEY WAKE UP ONE DAY 
WITH REGRETS?

If this keeps happening to you...
Let them stand on the choices they made.
EVEN IF THEY REGRET THEM.

Chances are they knew what they were doing
while they were doing it.
Did they gaf when they were doing it?

I had to learn the hard way too 
because I made my f*cked up choices, too. 
DO I REGRET IT? YEAH.
BUT DOES THAT MEAN I DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE?
EVEN IF I REALIZED?
EVEN IF I'M FULL OF REMORSE?

I've given way too many chances. 
For anyone to realize anything about me.

I can't use sh*t I went through as an excuse
to try to justify anything I did.

THAT'S WHAT GROWING TF UP IS ABOUT.
Not making excuses, giving excuses, 
or trying to excuse ourselves from anything we ever did.

I used to do that when I didn't want to take responsibility. 
I learned that BS from others who never wanted to take responsibility.
BUT JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WAS TAUGHT
DOESN'T EXCUSE ME FROM DOING IT.

When you actually grow up, and stop doing it, 
and full-on take responsibility...
THEN MAYBE ANOTHER CHANCE.
BUT HOW MANY F*CKING CHANCES?

They only want another chance
because whatever they ran to
that they thought they wanted...
DOESN'T WORK OUT FOR THEM.
WELL, WOMP WOMP.

Should I have to "just take it"?
ALL THE F*CKING TIME?
FOR WHAT, THOUGH?

It's only when they realize:
"A*** wouldn't have done this to me."
Yeah, you're right. 
A*** wouldn't do that to you.

It takes for me to pull my energy all the way back
and focus on what I'm doing.

It's not like everyone is going to be on the same page as me.
MOST OF THE TIME WE'RE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE
WE'RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME BOOK, 
THE SAME LIBRARY
THE SAME CONTINENT...

Often it feels like another solar system ffs.

WHY is it so damn HARD for them to see 
MY point of view? They want me to see theirs, though.

It REALLY bothers me when people seem to 
FEEL ENTITLED TO ANYTHING I HAVE TO OFFER.

And yeah, it's usually about what I have to offer.
NOT ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE IF IT WAS ABOUT ME, 
They wouldn't have used me as a CRUTCH.

But then, when it comes to ME
I can just GO F*CK MYSELF, RIGHT?

I know I keep writing this over and over. 
It just really bothers me. 

Instead of HELPING OTHER PROGRESS...
It's MY turn to progress. 
If that means going my own way, 
doing my own thing...
I guess that's what it takes.

It's like they suddenly see my VALUE
WHEN I'M NOT GIVING WHAT I GAVE ANYMORE.
THEY MISS WHAT I WAS DOING AND GIVING.

BUT ME AS A PERSON?
If it was about me as a person...
They wouldn't have treated me like that.
Because why would they?

It just really, really, really bothers me.

Being the one who has to take the high road
AND NOT TREAT THEM THE WAY THEY TREATED ME.

Even though giving them a dose of their own medicine
is f*cking tempting. 

Because MAYBE THEY WOULD GET IT
IF I DID THE EXACT SAME SH*T TO THEM.

It's like they want to blame me for my reaction
TO THEIR DISRESPECT.

Then they act like I have zero reason to be upset?!
THEY WOULD BE UPSET
IF I DID THE EXACT SAME THING TO THEM!!!
AND THEY KNOW THAT THEY WOULD BE.

But when people need to grow up, 
IT'S ON THEM TO GROW UP!

You can't GROW FOR someone.
They have to do it for themselves.

Just like I had to do it for myself. 
OTHERWISE I'D STILL BE THE WAY I USED TO BE.

Did I even want to look at the way I was being? No?
WHY WAS THAT? Because obviously...
I didn't want to admit to myself that I had my head up my @ss.
Who wants to admit that?
BUT IT STARTS WITH ADMITTING IT TO YOURSELF. 
When you get sick of your own BS.

It's kind of like this... People who have their head up their @ss...
They can't tell a breath of fresh air from a wet fart.

And when you LEVEL UP...
Often the apologies you get...
IS BECAUSE THEY WANT ACCESS TO THE NEW YOU.
Do you have to grant them access? Nope.
Access DENIED.

It's perfectly FINE to protect your energy.
From anyone who feels entitled to you, in any way. 
BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT ENTITLED!!!

People often try to make plans for me
and want me to go along with their plans.

Like the guy who was trying to get me to marry him. 
THAT IS MY CHOICE.
JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS THAT, 
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT THAT.
DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD WANT THAT
JUST BECAUSE HE DOES.
I DON'T. 

You have choices, too. We all do.

When you MOVE in a way that doesn't serve THEM
then they feel a type of way about it.
BUT THE WAY THEY WERE MOVING...
DID IT SERVE YOU?

If it doesn't serve you, you can move however you decide!
And it FORCES THEM TO SEE
WHAT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE.

I was forced to see what I didn't want to see.
ABOUT MYSELF. 
ALL THE BS RELATED TO MY INSECURITIES
IS WHY I'M MORE SECURE, TODAY.

It's perfectly FINE to STAND ON YOUR SELF-RESPECT.
And have a higher REGARD FOR YOURSELF
THAN ANYONE EVER HAD FOR YOU.

And if you have to keep telling yourself that...
TELL YOURSELF AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.
OR TWICE, OR THRICE.

Tell yourself things often. 
To remind yourself. To "install" new software.

What really rubs me the wrong way
IS ANYONE COMING BACK TO ME
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T HAPPY WITH WHAT THEY CHOSE.

But nobody gets to be GREEDY. 
SELFISH, ENTITLED, ETC.

How can they get MAD AT ME
FOR THEM CHOOSING WHAT THEY CHOSE?

Then they want to backtrack?
JUST BECAUSE I COULD BE DOING BETTER
ON MY OWN OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

They want the old version of me...
The one they could have been with...

But if they don't know what they want...
They don't have to find out at your expense.
Just plain and simply put.

Someone told me this:
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE
JUST TO KEEP SOMEONE WARM.

I mean, if someone needs time to GROW UP...
And they actually take the time to do that, 
then maybe go from there.
BUT YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ON HOLD.
TO WAIT UNTIL THAT HAPPENS.
Because... What if it doesn't?
Are you going to keep waiting? Forever?
If so, ASK YOURSELF WHY?

Sometimes we repeat a lesson because we haven't learned it.
Didn't learn the first time? Here it is again!
Didn't learn again? Here it is again!
Still didn't learn? Here it is again!

At this point, the universe is f*cking sick of me.
"DO I HAVE TO HOLD YOU DOWN
AND SCREAM IT IN YOUR FACE?!"

That's what the universe is reeling about.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH TIME TO LEARN FROM THIS.
CORRECT?

You should never WAIT for anyone 
TO SEE YOUR VALUE AND WORTH.
THAT YOU'RE WORTH CHOOSING.

CHOOSE. YOURSELF. PERIOD.

If you see YOUR worth...
IT DOESN'T F*CKING MATTER
WHO DOES OR DOESN'T.

Even when you wanted them to see it.
BECAUSE WHY CAN'T THEY?
HOW COULD THEY NOT?

Often times, THEY DO ACTUALLY SEE IT.
BUT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE IT.

Because if YOU SEE YOUR OWN WORTH
YOU WOULDN'T SETTLE FOR ANY BS.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED ANY BS.

THEY know you don't need any BS.
And you are ALLOWED TO RE-EVALUATE EVERYTHING!
No mattter what that means or looks like to anyone.
Especially when they want you to just settle
for far less than you deserve.

I'm not saying I deserve EVERYTHING.
I deserve at least some decency and RESPECT.

That should go WITHOUT SAYING.
Should it not?!

I mean, I could be with someone.
BUT AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, 
I want to keep my energy to myself.
If that makes me seem selfish...

If people want to make you seem unimportant, 
and don't care if you're in their life or not...

YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH THAT.

It makes me think of this thing I saw once. 
Where a priest was like whipping himself
for his sins or something. 

Do you have to whip yourself for someone else?
Basically, that's what I've been doing, for too long. 

If someone won't make a choice about you...
YOU CAN MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT YOU.
NOBODY IS OUT HERE SAYING YOU CAN'T.
NOBODY.

There's NOBODY like you.
They won't find YOU in ANYBODY.

But by the time they realize this...
THEY WILL REGRET MOVING THEY WAY THEY DID.
BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAD TO.

And usually, you're someone
THEY AREN'T USED TO.
AND WHEN THEY REALIZE
THERE IS ONLY ONE YOU...
THEY'LL FINALLY REALIZE.

But you don't have to WAIT for them to wake tf up.
There are times that I want to smack the crap out of people.
Some people are disgustingly immature.

Yes, I used to be disgustingly immature.
People who knew me back then, know this.
And that won't ever leave their minds.
I don't expect it to, why should I?

DID I LEARN FROM IT, THOUGH? YES?
But do people realize that I've learned?
OR WHAT I'VE LEARNED? NO.

That crap is f*cking exhausting. 
Stuck between who you used to be
WHO PEOPLE STILL THINK YOU ARE...
AND WHO YOU ACTUALLY BECAME.

If nobody wants to SEE that, about YOU.
IS THAT YOUR FAULT?

It's only your fault for being the way you've been. 
BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
IF NOBODY CAN SEE ANY CHANGES YOU'VE MADE.
IF NOBODY WILL GIVE YOU ANY CREDIT.
GIVE. YOURSELF. CREDIT.
EVERY. F*CKING. DAY.

Trust me on this. GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT.
For everything you've learned. 
For how far you've come.
No matter what you had to go through to get there.

When people don't appreciate your presence.
LET THEM FEEL YOUR ABSENSE.
AND MAYBE WHEN PEOPLE NOTICE THAT VOID...
OF WHERE YOU USED TO BE...

Let them FEEL it.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE THERE...
WHERE WERE THEY?

You're allowed to follow your own path
TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.
AND SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T GO WITH YOU.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T THERE.
Why should they get to ride your coat-tails?
Why should you bring them with you?
They wanted to leave you in the dust and laugh ffs!

Then when you succeed on your own...
Then they change their mind?
LIKE YOU WERE WORTH IT THE WHOLE TIME?!
YEAH. YOU WERE THE WHOLE TIME.

BUT TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T TREAT YOU RIGHT!
Too bad they took you for granted!
Too bad they wanted to play games!
Too f*cking bad! Missed the boat!
Ship has sailed!

Truthfully, I should have walked away
SIX F*CKING YEARS AGO.
HAD I DONE THAT...
I WOULDN'T HAVE WASTED THAT MUCH TIME
IN THIS BS...
THAT I KEPT MYSELF IN
HOPING THINGS WOULD CHANGE.
HOPING TO JUST F*CKING BE APPRECIATED.

But I felt this way my entire life!
Hoping, wishing, wanting JUST APPRECIATION!!!
SO NOBODY CAN BE MAD AT ME FOR APPRECIATING MYSELF.
VALUING MYSELF ENOUGH TO SAY F*CK THIS SH*T.

But it does hit different.
When someone can see you for you.
Not just what you can do or give.
Not just for what they could get from you.
BECAUSE WHEN THEY LOOK AT IT IN TERMS
OF WHAT THEY CAN GET, WHAT YOU CAN DO...
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!

Like that guy who was trying to coax me into marrying him.
THAT WAS TO GAIN ACCESS TO ME
WHENEVER HE WANTS
WITH THE BENEFITS OF BEING MARRIED FFS.

HOW F*CKING SELFISH IS THAT?

But it's not just about having access to me. 
It's about my energy, my time, my skills etc.

BECAUSE HE WANTS ME AND ALL THAT
FOR HIMSELF AND DOESN'T WANT
ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE ACCESS TO ME.
How is that fair?! It's not. It's selfish.

Like he wanted us to be married by next summer.
And he just wanted me to agree to it.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED.

And I'm going to see the guy tomorrow.
Because I'm still doing web stuff for him.
But it's like he wants more and more and more from me.
Like marriage?! C'mon!

Maybe I just don't want to be with anyone. 
BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE TIMES I TRIED.
WITH PEOPLE WHO JUST AREN'T READY.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT A LOT OF F*CKED UP MESS.
THAT NOBODY NEEDS IN THEIR LIFE.

BUT THEY DON'T LIKE HEARING NO.
THEY NEED TO BE TOLD NO.
EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T LIKE IT.
EVEN WHEN THEY GET MAD
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED.
BUT IT'S NOT UP TO THEM!!!
IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!!!!

But what bothers me, too, is when people
DO ABSOLUELY EVERYTHING
TO PUSH YOU AWAY...
JUST TO SAY YOU NEVER EVEN CARED?!

Like people being COLD
and being surprised you leave them out in the cold...
What did they expect?