It's Weird & Funny

Not sure when I started figuring out energy stuff.
Well, for starters, none of my family's particularly spiritual. 
At least on my mother's side.
My father had some gifts. He predicted my birth. 
The day and time, but I was 45 minutes late.

I never got to ask him about any of that.
He was only in my life briefly. 
I wouldn't put it past my mom
for not wanting me to see him. 

It's hard to explain about my mom. 
She's not exactly empathetic. 

My father had written me letters.
My mother had been keeping them from me.
She finally gave them to me, but she should have
WHEN THEY CAME FOR ME.

I WAS ANGRY WITH MY FATHER.
BECAUSE HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. 

He'd make plans for us on the weekends
AND I'D BE EXCITED AND HAPPY
THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER
AND HE WOULD LEAVE ME WAITING
ALL F*CKING DAY
LEAVING ME TO REALIZE
THAT HE WASN'T F*CKING COMING TO GET ME.

Anyway, that happened too many times
IT BROKE MY HEART EACH TIME.
WORSE THAN BEFORE.
BECAUSE I'D STILL HAVE HOPE, 
ANTICIPATION ETC.

So when I was 10 years old, I told my mother
that I didn't want to see him anymore.
IT WAS BECAUSE IT HURT
AND HE HAD TO KNOW THAT IT DID
THAT HE LEFT ME HANGING.

After that, I didn't see him for 2 years.

HE K*LLED HIMSELF.
FOR A LONG TIME I WAS ANGRY ABOUT IT
BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE HE ABANDONED ME, AGAIN.
ENSURING WE'D NOT GET TO HAVE
A RELATIONSHIP WHEN I GOT OLDER...

Anyway, that's when I became an alcoholic.
BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER
I WAS ANGRY OR DRUNK.

....ANYWAY, I never got to ask my father.
About the energy stuff or anything.
But something tells me he had some skills.
Could be in my bloodline.

But, what I was going to say was that 
WHEN I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO READ ME,
I CAN SHUT MY ENERGY OFF
SO THEY CAN'T TAKE IT
LET ALONE INTERPRET IT.

Besides that, interpretation is hit or miss.
Of course everything is up for interpretation. 
Of course we don't all interpret things the same ways.
Because we all have a perspective that is unique to us.

Primary perspective is completely personal. 
Secondary is shared perspectives.
And we have a mix of both.

The weird and funny part is cloaking my energy.
People sometimes get intimidated by it.

They are used to being able to read it.
Even without them knowing that it's what they are doing.
It's what most of us do.

But many times I still have a hard time reading it.
Because I have a pretty strong intuition
But have a hard time trusting it.


There were times I did listen to my gut. 
Like when I got the "push"
to put distance between those dudes and I.
The dudes who stopped and tried cutting me off.
When I was out, walking. 

When I got the "push" to hide under the vehicle.
After I jumped out of the guy's car.
After he put his hand on my knee.

Those "pushes." Listen to them.
They can save your life.

Been trying some energy experiments.
Through visualization. 
I use visualization when I practice reiki.
I use "practice" loosely. 

1) I rarely do it
2) I don't tell everyone about it

Why? Because it sounds crazy.
A lot of things sound crazy.
That's why I keep a lot to myself.

But, because I do it, many assume things...
Without ever questioning their own assumptions.

That's what happened, to me. 
People lying to get others to assume things
and not question them at all...

TO BLOCK ME.

If they realize, eventually, that the lie is a lie...
That can be worked out.

BUT BELIEVING THE LIE AND ACTING ON IT...

As an example, a woman was beat and set on fire
BY A MOB OF PEOPLE
WHO BELIEVED A LIE
THAT THE WOMAN DID SOMETHING THAT SHE DIDN'T DO.

So it's easy to believe something about me
THAT I'M NOT OR DIDN'T DO...

And the ONLY REASON ANYONE WOULD HAVE TO DO THAT
is to paint someone AS SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO THAT.

Because if someone would do that
WHY WOULD ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?

BECAUSE ANYONE COULD SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
AND IF THEY BELIEVE IT,
HOW AM I AND WHO AM I TO CONVINCE THEM
THAT A LIE IS A LIE?

Apart from that, is it my job to convince everyone
THE TRUTH ABOUT MYSELF?

Sure, I keep a lot to myself.
I write on here and that's probably the most that
I express about myself. 

There's a lot I don't talk about
and nobody really knows what to make of that.
Because I don't usually talk just to talk. 

Sometimes I feel like some things are worth my time
TO THINK ABOUT, PONDER, CONSIDER.

SOME THINGS AREN'T.

It seems most people keep themselves
DISTRACTED with things that don't matter.

I get it, though, I've done that most my life.
The people around me weren't giving me anything to think about.
And it was the usual, bullsh*tery, that I thought was normal.

When you think it's normal, you don't question it.
When you think about stuff and don't have a moral compass, 
IT'S EASY TO ASSUME THINGS. 
ABOUT OTHERS, ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT LIFE.
ABOUT EVERYTHING, EVERYONE...

It wasn't until I got much older
AND TOOK TIME TO THINK AND REFLECT
ON A LOT OF OLD PROGRAMMING...

A LOT OF THINGS THAT I THOUGHT
THAT WEREN'T THE CASE.

It's EASY to think it IS the case
when you're taught to think like those around you.

INSTEAD OF TAKING TIME TO OURSELVES
TO THINK FOR OURSELVES.

Because we don't have to think like everyone else.
Especially when it comes to what we believe.
The truth in one hand, lies in another...

Reminds me of something someone said, 
but I forget the way he put it.
Something like he'd rather shit in his hands and clap
than whatever it was that we were talking about.

I remember what one guy was saying...
A guy I knew brought me with him to a dude's place. 
Anyway, it got late so the dude was walking with me...
He said: "What's the color of one hand clapping?"
I had no idea what he was talking about so he broke it down.

What's the sound? ONE hand clapping
We need 2 hands to clap. So the sound of silence.
What's silence? Golden! 
The color of one hand clapping is golden. 

I sometimes think of that. What he said, stuck with me.
This was 26 years ago hahaha.

Hard to believe I started this blog 20 years ago!
But pretty sure I've woken up since then.
The things that used to get me down, don't anymore.
A lot of things don't bother me anymore.

Want to be wrong about me? Okay, cool.
Be wrong as much as you want
and think you're right.

IS IT WORTH THE FIGHT?

It's like the more I fought for the truth.
EVEN THE TRUTH ABOUT MYSELF.
THE HARDER IT GOT
AND NEVER WENT ANYWHERE.

People seem to need to SEE certain things.
TO UNDERSTAND CERTAIN THINGS.

AND WHEN THEY REFUSE TO SEE THOSE THINGS,
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT THEY UNDERSTAND?

If they don't get it, trying to force it into their understanding
DOESN'T SEEM TO GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND.

WHEN THEY COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING
ON THEIR OWN...

THAT is usually WHEN they get it.

But getting it can get complicated.
Because we can easily THINK WE GOT IT,
BUT AS LONG AS WE THINK WE DO, 
WE ACTUALLY WON'T.

Weird how that works...

But it's something to think about.
So many things we can GIVE ourselves to think about.
That's not what I was doing in my 20s.
Not until my 30s, actually. Now I'm 40 freaking years old.

All I was thinking about in my 20s was dating and getting married.
Thankfully, I didn't marry who I wanted to, at the time.

But, also, I wasn't at a time in my life that I could have been a good partner.
I wasn't filling my own voids.

That's what bugs me when people want me to fill voids for them.
THEY ARE NOT MY VOIDS TO FILL.
I HAVE MY OWN VOIDS TO FILL.

And it bugs me when people can't or don't want to
FILL THEIR OWN VOIDS OR LET ME FILL MINE.

Because I'm allowed to fill mine.
Just like others are allowed to fill theirs.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE WANT ME TO FILL THEIR VOIDS
THEY KEEP TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME
TO FILL THE VOIDS
THAT ARE NOT MINE TO FILL.

Therefore, it's not fair to me to be expected to.
It's not right to do that to anyone.

WHEN ANYONE GIVES YOU THEIR TIME
THEIR ENERGY...
THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH.

I spent a lot of years wanting to fill my voids
WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO DO IT MYSELF. 
SO I USED THINGS LIKE ALCOHOL...
WENT SHOPPING... 
NO AMOUNT OF MATERIAL THINGS...
CAN FILL INTERNAL VOIDS.
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

And as long as it doesn't work, 
the longer people try to do it thinking that it does.

Maybe for a short time, an illusion...
But if it actually worked, 
it wouldn't keep being "necessary."
For the lack of better words.

Like no such amount of alcohol or drugs
or whatever vice it is... WILL EVER BE ENOUGH.
WHY? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

So getting married, might be nice.
The idea of coming together with the ideal partner...
BUT THE IDEAL IS JUST THAT, IDEAL.

Like it would have been IDEAL for me to be able to
HAVE TRUSTED PEOPLE I WANTED TO TRUST
NOT TO DO CERTAIN THINGS.

That would have been IDEAL.
Didn't happen. 

But what would I have learned?
Just has me questioning a lot of my past. 
Feels like 90% of my past was a huge lie.

1) It hurts more than I thought it would
2) Unfortunately, I needed to see it. (Wasn't easy).

But once you see it, it hits you. Pretty hard.

Which reminds me of a video I saw:
Cops who accidentally killed people.

One video, the first clip...
The cops had the cruiser parked ON TRAIN TRACKS.

Had stopped a female to check her vehicle for a weapon
THEY HANDCUFFED HER AND PUT HER IN THE BACK.
THEN A TRAIN CAME... HITTING THE CAR...
She survived. But they kept searching her vehicle
LIKE SHE DIDN'T JUST GET HIT BY A FKN TRAIN
BECAUSE OF THESE IDIOT COPS...

One of the clips in that video...
A guy was running from a cop
and the guy jumped a guardrail, onto the highway...
GOT HIT BY ONCOMING TRAFFIC...
THE GUY DIED
AND THE FKN COP CUFFED HIM.

Where tf was he going to go?
HE WAS DEAD FFS.

Reminds me of a time I scared a mouse.
I was walking downtown at night...
I used to walk from my mom's old place...

Anyway, one night I was walking and there was a mouse. 
I scared it and it ran onto the road.
A car came, right at the moment...
I felt guilt. BECAUSE IF I HADN'T SCARED IT...
IT WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN DOING ITS MOUSE STUFF.
IT WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN SMOOSHED.

But to handcuff someone who just got hit by a car...
The dude was DEAD on IMPACT.
There was NO need for that...

There was NO NEED FOR A LOT OF THINGS.
What bugged me was having my conversations read.
And watching me to see if I come towards someone else.
It's been crazy. Never had I ever had anything like that before.

You'd think there'd be something to that, right?
There had to be a reason that they went that hard?
And not just a few...

The pigeons haven't come back.
The raccoon kept raiding the nests.
So now they don't come back. I miss them.

It was nice just to open the door and say:
"Hey guys!"
And they'd look at me and "listen."

They are so gentle. Doves.

Anyway, it was nice having them
for the time they were here.
It sucked that the raccoon got all the way up here.
So no more pigeons :(

*Tears, sad eyes*

At least I had them for a while.
I don't want to take down their "hut" thing
but they might look at it as a raccoon trap, now.
Even though I built it for them. 
I wanted them to have a shelter for the winter.

There's a guy I met, like in his 70s.
He has brought up marriage, twice.
I already told him I don't want to get married.
Business only.

It bugs me that people who want something from me
LIKE TO GIVE UP MY ENTIRE LIFE AND FREEDOM
BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH AND WANT ME FOR THEMSELVES.

And it's getting to the point that he doesn't seem to
want to take no for an answer and that's bothering me.

Once he was texting me a bunch of times.
I hadn't logged into my text account that day
And he'd texted me saying he was getting angry
that I wasn't answering his messages...

He even asked me to carve out 3 days a week for him. 
I'm being very stingy with my time.
Because there's only one me.
And only I get to work on my goals. 
That's where I want to be, at this time.

Not giving all my time to everyone.
Not anymore. I want to go on vacation 
and just stay away from everyone for a while.
JUST SO I CAN START FEELING, RIGHT.

WHEN I GIVE MY ENERGY, 
PEOPLE WANT MORE AND MORE OF IT.
BUT I NEED IT FOR MYSELF.

BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE.
NOT ONLY TAKE ADVANTAGE,
THEY WANT TO EXPLOIT IT.
AND ME FOR IT.

All it does is make me feel more like protecting it.
And protecting myself. 

And situations where people like him
who once I start giving my time to, energy to...
THEY JUST WANT TO TRY TO SUCK IT OUT OF ME.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM.
BUT THEY EXPECT ME TO LET THEM.

AND THEY DON'T SEEM TO GET
THAT I DO NOT OWE THEM ANY PART OF ME.
THEY ARE NOT ENTITLED TO IT, OR TO ME.

And I need to find a way to make this point
WITH PEOPLE WHO ONLY WANT WHAT THEY WANT
AND DON'T SEEM TO CARE WHAT I WANT.

Sometimes it's hard to have boundaries with people,
but when you don't, you get to see why you should.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, 
IT'S HARD TO SET BOUNDARIES
AND YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO FROM THE START.

OR PEOPLE WILL EITHER CROSS THEM
OR THEY WILL TRY TO.

Like this guy. What will his reaction be
when I tell him no?
He wants me to say yes.
In his ideal vision, I say yes
and he has things the way he wants them. 

BUT IT ISN'T MY IDEAL.
I WANT TO PUSH MYSELF FORWARD
TOWARDS MY IDEAL.
AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE.
IT'S JUST WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.
I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FULFILL MY OWN DESIRES.
NOT BE EXPECTED TO FULFILL OTHERS' DESIRES.

Does anyone, ever, ask me what I want?
HOW ABOUT NOT BEING PUT ON THE SPOT
ABOUT MARRIAGE OR ANYTHING ELSE?

Just because you didn't get the answer you wanted
THE FIRST TIME YOU ASKED
DOESN'T MEAN THE ANSWER WILL CHANGE
IF YOU KEEP ASKING.

Like I really don't want to ghost the guy.
He's getting too attached and it doesn't feel right.
A couple of times he tried to kiss me.

Once, he had like 60 tabs open, 
so I closed them because he didn't need them open.
Most of them were p0rn. 

Anyway, it's just been really weird.
I don't like it. It feels weird.

I don't even like lying to people.
But I've contemplated lying to him
ABOUT HAVING TO GO SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY.
"I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK."

But there's karma for dishonesty.
I've been honest about saying no.
About expressing that I don't want to marry the guy.

And when I say no, it should just be no.
I've had people still try to talk me into it
AFTER I SAID NO.

Like the guy who wanted me to go to that adult store with him.
He literally thought he could talk me into it
AFTER I TOLD HIM THAT I DON'T WANT TO GO.
He is a manipulator. He even calls himself one.

It bugs me that they do it because it works for them. 
They wouldn't do it if it didn't work. 

It just doesn't work on me.