I'm Weird & That's Okay

For a long time, well, my whole life...
I don't fit in and sometimes I get attention
BUT I AM NOT TRYING TO.
Like that guy who followed me to the appointment.
HE WAITED FOR ME UNTIL IT WAS OVER
AND HE FOLLOWED ME OUT THE DOOR.

Weird things like that happen and I don't know why.
I WAS JUST GOING TO AN APPOINTMENT.

Or that guy who tried to lure me
with a 'video' he said he had of me
AS THOUGH I WAS STUPID ENOUGH
TO GO CHECK OUT THE 'VIDEO'
I KNEW HE DIDN'T HAVE OF ME....

I don't know why things like that happened to me.
Or that time the professor called me out
in front of the class for my response to a question thing
that was based on someone else's response
AND SHE DIDN'T DO IT TO ANYONE ELSE BUT ME.

And all kinds of BS. That doesn't seem to happen to everyone.

PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN JUST TALK TO ME
HOWEVER TF THEY WANT TO TALK TO ME...
BUT NO TF YOU CANNOT.

And that's the response to the response to my response.
I CALLED HER OUT, PRIVATELY.
NOT IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS
LIKE I COULD HAVE...
LIKE SHE DID TO ME.

But people do it, BUT THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

I had some crazy ex of a guy come at me in my text messages.
I TOLD HER: DON'T PLAY WITH ME EITHER! THANKS!

It seems that a lot of people
DON'T SEE WHAT KIND OF BS IT WOULD BE
FROM ME.

But the point I was getting at is that there's a lot of unwanted attention. 
Sometimes from jealous females. 
I don't even get it, honestly.
WHY BE JEALOUS ENOUGH ABOUT 
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS?

Like all I'm doing is just being myself. That's it.
I don't have the time for any extra sh*t.
Besides, none of that is me, at all. 

But then, it's like EVERYONE should just be allowed
to just be themselves. 
SO WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO DO THAT SH*T?
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT PROFESSOR?

She did apologize to me, but I couldn't figure out
WHY I WAS THE ONE WHO SHE DID THAT TO
NOT ANYONE ELSE IN THE CLASS.

What about the people who didn't bother with the assignment?
DID SHE CALL THEM OUT? NO. JUST ME.

I've had SO MANY WTF moments in my life.
THAT I DON'T REALLY GET WHY...


Like even at the funeral... 
I sat next to my cousin and his girlfriend
AND SHE ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO MOVE.
WE JUST SAT DOWN.

THEN SHE PASSES ME AND SAYS EXCUSE ME.

I bet if ANYONE ELSE SAT NEXT TO HER
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

SO WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?

It's like a lot of girls don't like me at all. 
AND THAT IS WHY I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
AROUND MOST GIRLS.
IT'S LIKE BEING MYSELF
SOMEHOW MAKES THEM FEEL INSECURE.

Is it MY fault someone FEELS INSECURE?
It'd be like me making it someone else's fault
FOR ANY OF MY FEELINGS.

I used to do that, when I was immature
AND DIDN'T KNOW BETTER.
When I look back at sh*t I used to do...
And why I used to do that sh*t... 

I wasn't happy within myself.
Well, still not "HAPPY" but I am at least
SOMEWHAT CONTENT.

But I was really searching and grasping 
EXTERNALLY.
AND MOST OF IT HAD TO DO WITH VALIDATION.

Like I couldn't validate my own feelings. 
So I had this fixation on dating etc. 
BUT IT WASN'T FILLING A VOID
THAT I HAD TO DO ON MY OWN. 

Anyway, it's hard to explain some things, 
but back then, I thought certain things that weren't the case.
BECAUSE THOSE THINGS WEREN'T THE CASE
I HAD TO LEARN THAT THEY WEREN'T THE CASE
AND WHY THEY WEREN'T THE CASE.

That's why I am the way I am. Only that.
BECAUSE BEING ON MY OWN...
I'VE HAD THE SPACE AND TIME TO THINK ABOUT STUFF.

Which if I had taken, instead of wanting external validation, 
I might have realized a lot of things sooner.

We have to be able to see and realize FALSE CONSTRUCTS.
Then, deconstruct it because it's false. An illusion. 

And yes, I've wasted time with frivolous stuff. 
But the important stuff is still important.
ALWAYS IMPORTANT

It's just as important as filling up your own "cup."
It bugs me when people don't know how to show up
for themselves, wanting me to show up for them.
GETTING MAD AT ME
FOR SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF.

Did I always know how? Nope.
Do I wish I had the capacity to do it before? Yeah.
But now I do have the capacity.

Back when I first quit drinking...
I was going through all the feels.
It's a huge level of vulnerability...
It's like grieving. I don't know why, 
but the one thing I can think of....
Is ALL THE FEELINGS I TRIED SUPPRESSING
USING THE ALCOHOL....
THEY CAME FLOODING UP TO THE SURFACE.
IT'S ENOUGH TO GET ANYONE WHO USED DRINKING
TO "COPE" WITH HIGHLY INTENSE FEELINGS...
TO WANT TO GO BACK TO DRINKING...


Anyway, as I was saying... When I first quit drinking.
I went to self-help "meetups" or whatever.
A bunch of "events" to go to...

One was at a chiropractor's office...
A woman had a presentation about expanding 
you comfort zone. Something like this...


She had once been in a wheelchair.
She pushed herself out of her comfort zone
TO LEARN HOW TO WALK ALL OVER AGAIN.
IF SHE HADN'T, SHE'D STILL BE IN A WHEELCHAIR.

She was saying that once our comfort zone EXPANDS
it doesn't go back to the size it used to be.

ALL my life, I've had a "comfort zone."
What's kept me there, mostly, my own thoughts.
My self-loathing, my doubts etc.
A bunch of stuff, but mostly those.

The self-loathing isn't as crazy as it used to be.
Since I started appreciating how far I've come.
Because I'm not the same person I used to be.
I'm thankful for that and I appreciate that.

Some of it has to do with some of the stuff I've written about.
Some of it has to do with some stuff I can't write about.

Why can't I write about it? It's hard to explain. 
1) it's hard to put into words.
2) it's hard to understand.

I'm not assuming anyone won't understand.
IT'S HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND.

Since I have a bunch of stuff to figure out...
I can't write about it.

The spirituality stuff, I can't really explain that.
Or how certain things work, energy-wise.
Even if I know some things, putting them into words
is something that I just can't do, at this time.

I can only speak on my own personal experiences.