Any Wrong Reason

There are a lot of reasons why I'm staying to myself, now.
I reflected on how I was being and why,
what influenced me and why...

And I realized: No matter the influence, I get to choose.
I chose wrong things for the wrong reasons.
I had to learn from that.
I don't like who I was when I made that choice.
I realized the frame of mind I was in... 
I did it out of ego. 

Someone owes me money, 
and I was just getting fed up with his crap. 
Treating me like I wasn't worth paying back. 
I entertained the thought of getting someone
to intimidate him into just paying me back
SO THAT I COULD JUST EXIT.

First, that's the wrong thing to do.
Just because he was being disloyal to me
DOESN'T  MEAN THAT I HAVE TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS
TO JUST GET SOMETHING I WANT.

I'm actually ashamed that I even thought about it.
The guy declined saying it was my thing.
That he wouldn't help me with that.
Which I'm glad that he did.

The guy had wanted me P*SSED AT THE GUY.
I'll tell you why:
He knew I really liked a guy
so he wanted to "expose" the guy
to get me so mad at him to want to walk away.

But I wanted him to just pay me back 
SO THAT I COULD GO MY OWN WAY
AND HE WAS REFUSING TO DO THAT.
Which just got me so mad.

BUT I REALIZED THAT NO MATTER HOW MAD...
NOTHING IS WORTH EVER GOING THERE.

And the person who wanted me out of my head
about the guy he didn't want me to be with
BECAUSE HE WANTED MY TIME
AND WANTED ME TO CHOOSE HIM.

So he had to try to change the way I felt about him.
Because he wanted me to feel that way about him, instead.

When I figured some things out, 
I just couldn't be around him anymore.
I realized that I was being manipulated. 

But that aspect of me, that had to go. 
I had to realize, that's not who I am.
That's not who I want to be. 
So why was I that way?

That would have been petty of me to do that.
The wrong thing for the wrong reasons.

I had to learn that often there's reasons
people want to convince you...

Jealousy will do things to people and they can try to hide it well...
It takes a while to figure it out... They can even try to take it out on you.
AND THAT CAN TAKE A WHILE TO FIGURE OUT, TOO.

HE WAS JEALOUS OF HIM.
BECAUSE OF HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM.

It became apparent after a while. 
Like when I loaned the guy money.
Because it was a lot of money.

THAT THE GUY WAS ACTING UNGRATEFUL
THAT I EVEN DID HIM A FAVOR.

AND I WAS SO UPSET THAT I TOLD PEOPLE
THAT I HAD LOANED THE MONEY
AND THAT HE WAS TAKING HIS SWEET TIME
TO PAY ME BACK...

THE FACT THAT I EVEN LOANED THE MONEY
P*SSED A LOT OF PEOPLE OFF
BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOAN IT TO THEM.
OR OFFER IT OR WHATEVER.
EVEN THOUGH IT'S MY MONEY.

SO THEY ALL WANTED ME AGAINST HIM
SO THAT I WOULD BE ANGRY ENOUGH ABOUT THE MONEY
BECAUSE THEY WERE THE ONES
WHO WERE ACTUALLY ANGRY ABOUT IT

Yes, I was at first, for the first 3 years
THAT THERE WASN'T ANY EFFORT MADE
TO ACTUALLY PAY ME BACK
KNOWING THEY OWED IT TO ME
TO PAY ME BACK.

AND DIDN'T CARE THAT I NEEDED IT BACK...

I think the fact that they didn't care that I needed it back...
I think that was what got me so angry about it.

BUT REGARDLESS OF HOW ANGRY I GOT ABOUT IT.
IT'S ONLY MONEY AND NOT WORTH ANY OF THAT.
MAYBE THE FACT THAT MY MIND EVEN WENT THERE
WAS TO SHOW ME THAT ABOUT MYSELF. 
THAT I NEEDED TO SEE.

But there was an entire situation that I didn't know.
BECAUSE THE GUY AND I WERE FIGHTING ALL THE TIME
AND REALLY WE HAD NO REASON TO FIGHT
OTHER THAN HIM REFUSING TO ACT RIGHT.

Whether he was going based on rumors or whatever...
I had been hearing rumors about him, too. 

But regardless of all the BS, I'm not going to go there anymore. 
The rumors were to make me mad and drive a wedge.
On both sides, etc. 

That's what happens when the majority of people
are trying to keep two people from getting together.
It's like a dual slander campaign.
Get them both mad and raging with each other...
Anything to drive them apart. 

And I've never had this happen to me before, about anyone.
But at the same time, I don't look at myself as a 'catch'
or someone a guy would try to get me in my head about someone else...
The tactic is to get you on the fence
and try to show you the grass COULD BE greener on their side. 
It's to try to tempt and lure. 

I've been having this happen more and more, recently. 
I had the choice, I made the choice that I made. I regret it.
I had my reasons for making it
THINKING I HAD TO JUST MOVE ON
BECAUSE ALL THE BS DRAMA GOING ON
I didn't know that it was going on, on both sides. 

Both sides having people trying to convince us
About each other.
When they could have just left the both of us alone.
THEN THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO ISSUES
BUT IF HE HADN'T BEEN LISTENING TO EVERYONE
AND I WASN'T LISTENING TO CERTAIN PEOPLE
MAYBE THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN VERY DIFFERENT.

I'm just saying this because things that have potential
CAN EASILY BE DESTROYED
BY PEOPLE WHO ARE SO JEALOUS
THAT THEY WANT TO DESTROY IT

Not only do they want to destroy it, 
they want to destroy it to take it for themselves.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize
that these kinds of dynamics still happen. 

It seems like high school drama crap.
AND I'M FREAKING 40 YEARS OLD.

But at least I saw it for what it was.
Usually, not always, but often...
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO STEER YOU AWAY FROM SOMEONE
ARE ACTUALLY JEALOUS OF THE PERSON
THEY ARE TRYING TO STEER YOU AWAY FROM.

However, certain things I'm just not dealing with anymore.
Not even to try to get the rest of my money back. 
Not for anything. I'm freaking TIRED.
ESPECIALLY ABOUT ALL THE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME.

It's easy to "create illusions" about me
BECAUSE VERY FEW PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ME.

Anyone who can get the attention of someone
Can BRING SOMETHING TO THEIR ATTENTION.
WHICH DOESN'T HAVE TO BE TRUE.
AS LONG AS THE PERSON IS CONVINCED
THAT IT'S TRUE, THEN THEY THINK IT'S TRUE!

Yes, it p*sses me off, a lot. 
I see it all the time, every day. 

People convince themselves by assuming things.
They don't seem to ask...

Sometimes people think that certain things
GO WITHOUT SAYING
OR SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING...

But I've seen myself at my worst the last few years.
Because it brought out the worst in me, 
BUT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO REACT THAT WAY.
BUT OVER WHAT?
Why, though?

I realized a few things.
I wanted my feelings validated by external people
WHO MORE THAN NOT TRIED STEEERING ME
THE WRONG WAY BECAUSE
IF THINGS WORKED OUT WELL, 
DESPITE WHAT THEY SAID...
IT WOULD SEEM A TYPE OF WAY TO THEM.

But yes, I've been angry that I was seen a type of way I'm not.
And that I keep getting seen a type of way I'm not.

I've even been so angry I chose to be a type of way that I'm not.
But someone might question that.
If you chose to be that type of way, maybe you actually are.
If I was, I wouldn't feel shame, maybe.
And I wouldn't even question it about myself. 
I wouldn't be acknowledging that it even crossed my mind.
I realized that was a form of manipulation. 
BECAUSE I WANTED HIM TO JUST PAY ME BACK
SO THAT I COULD JUST END IT.

Why did I let myself get THAT angry?
Why couldn't I just let that go?
Why did I tell everyone what was bothering me?
And let them be in my ear about everything?
Why did I choose everyone else's side?

Why did I FEEL SO DAMN DISRESPECTED
THAT IT TOOK SO DAMN LONG FOR HIM
TO START TO PAY ME BACK?

BECAUSE IF IT WAS ANYONE ELSE
THEY WOULD HAVE. MADE ME WAIT.
REFUSED TO PAY UP, EVEN.

HAD MY BACK???!!!

I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS 4 YEARS AGO.
OTHER PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, TOO.

Because I don't need to let that 'MAKE' me feel disrespected.
I let that 'make' me feel disrespected.
AND NOTHING ACTUALLY MAKES US FEEL WHAT WE FEEL.
We choose to go there by not choosing not to go there.

I keep thinking about the case
where someone was k!lled out of jealousy. 
AND HER LAWYER
WAS TRYING TO PAINT HER AS A VICTIM
OF HER OWN EMOTIONS!

Even though I just wanted my money back
I COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO GO THERE.
IN THAT MOMENT, I WENT THERE.
ONLY TO KNOW I SHOULDN'T AND WON'T, AGAIN.

Nothing should matter that much to try to justify anything.
Those thoughts aren't justified.
EVEN THOUGH I WAS P*SSED OFF!!!

I should have walked away MUCH SOONER THAN THIS.
EITHER THAT OR I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN SO DEEP
THAT I FELT DISRESPECTED.

WHY DID I FEEL SO DISRESPECTED
BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTED TO SHOW ME
THAT THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY CARE?

SHOULD THAT MAKE ME P*SSED?
WHY SHOULD THAT "MAKE" ME P*SSED?
But why should I get myself so AMPED UP?

It made me question myself. Was I hurt? Yes.
But even then... 
If I wanted to just go, I should have just gone.
WITHOUT SAYING A WORD,
WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING.

ESPECIALLY OUT OF ANGER.
OR ANY OTHER REASON.

ANY WRONG REASON IS A WRONG REASON.
any wrong thing is a wrong thing.
We have our choices and I made wrong choices.

But reflecting on things, lets us realize things.
And yes, we're capable of sabotaging ourselves.

Often, it takes me a long time to figure out
that people are playing games. 

Usually, it's because of insecurities.
Something worth examining.