I Still Have Those Times

In my twenties, I had pretty bad depression. 
Here's what I learned about depression. 
I WAS DEPRIVING MYSELF OF THE INNER STUFF.
What do I mean about inner stuff?
The repair type stuff. 

It's hard to put into words.
DO I STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS AND BOUTS?
YEAH, I STILL HAVE THOSE TIMES.

But a lot of my "trauma" doesn't really affect me anymore.
I've had a lot of time on my own, to "work" through it.
It takes a lot of thinking, considering, and balancing. 
The more I do it, the easier it gets.

And the rest of the time, I think I still repress things
BECAUSE I GOT TOO USED TO DOING IT
THAT I PROBABLY DO IT SUBCONSCIOUSLY.

I could have just sat there and always listed
EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME
THAT EVER MADE ME FEEL A TYPE OF WAY...

And then USED ALL THOSE THINGS AS "REASONS"
TO DO WHATEVER I THOUGHT I COULD JUSTIFY
AS THOUGH DOING WHATEVER WAS "JUSTICE" TO ME.

FIRSTLY, THOSE REASONS ARE EXCUSES.
the post I wrote the other day about
THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET THAT ANGRY
THAT I WENT AND DID SOMETHING TO RETALIATE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T CARE IT HAPPENED.
IT JUST MEANS IT DOESN'T CONTROL HOW I FEEL
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Why doesn't it control how I feel?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO LET IT.

And I get it, when I was so depressed....
(Someone told me something)...
We were having a conversation over the phone.
She said that she was REALLY DEPRESSED AFTER HER DIVORCE.
SOMEONE TOLD HER: "YOU'RE JUST FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF."

In lots of ways, yeah, I was feeling sorry for myself
INSTEAD OF DOING SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF
AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT MY SITUATION.

I have been doing something about myself, incrementally, but I have.
Aboutmy situation, it hasn't changed a lot in the last 20 years. 
I've learned certain things. About life and about myself.
Also some things about psychology... 
Some things I never saw before because I don't think like that.

How jealousy can do ugly things to people.
I've had dreams where I did things out of jealousy.
THINGS I KNOW BETTER NOT TO DO.
THINGS I WOULDN'T DO WHILE AWAKE.
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T DO THOSE THINGS.

Maybe there's something there, subconsciously. 
But mostly, I've become moresecure with myself than I've been.

That's why a lot of crap that used to work on me, doesn't.
BECAUSE F*CK THAT. STRAIGHT UP, F*CK THAT.

The more you see it, the more you see it.
The more you see it, and you have a "method"
TO DEAL WITH IT.

THE PRIMARY, AND ONLY "METHOD" I HAD...
WAS TO SUPRESS IT BECAUSE:
"STOP CRYING OR I'LL GIVE YOU
SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"

So it was "okay" to give me something
TO CRY ABOUT...
BUT IT WASN'T "OKAY"
TO CRY ABOUT IT.

Even the fact I was around someone
WHO DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE THINGS
TO CRY ABOUT...
THAT I "HAD" TO EXPERIENCE THAT.

The things I've experienced, though...
I wouldn't have learned what I learned
IF I DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN IT.
FROM IT. EVEN MY OWN MISTAKES.
BUT ESPECIALLY MY OWN MISTAKES.

AND I'VE SEEN WHAT CARELESS CAN DO.
I'VE EXPERIENCED IT.
BEEN CARELESS, TOO.

Like the example the other day...
Where the thought of it almost became an action.

You know how many thoughts of mine became actions?
When I used to drink, a lot, I was the most impulsive. 
Like I couldn't even take accountability for my habits
LET ALONE FOR MYSELF.
Also, my actions. 

I WASN'T TAUGHT THAT BY ANYONE
WHO GAVE ME SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.

I WASN'T TAUGHT ABOUT BOUNDARIES.
HOW TO NOT JUST ACCEPT BS BEHAVIOR.
HOW TO NOT... A LOT OF THINGS.
AND HOW TO... A LOT OF THINGS.

THAT'S A TYPE OF SELF-MASTERY
THAT IS IMPORTANT. I HAD TO LEARN
FROM THAT WHOLE EXPERIENCE...
WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T WANT.
I ALREADY KNOW, BUT IT ENFORCED IT.

It taught me HOW MUCH I F*CKING RUMINATE.
IT TAUGHT ME NOT TO TELL EVERYONE MY BUSINESS.
IT TAUGHT ME TO TRUST MYSELF, MORE.
IT GAVE ME STRENGTH. 
IT PUT ME IN A PLACE
WHERE I CAN DETACH, COMPLETELY
AND TAKE MY TIME OUT FOR MYSELF.

I read: "If you don't go within, you go without."
Sometimes it feels like "remembering"
what your "soul" already knows, 
but it takes cutting out all the crap and getting to the very bottom. 

Everything I found in myself, that I didn't know
or couldn't see was there, before...
Are things that I wanted others to see in me, I guess.
I felt as though, if they could see it in me, 
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY ISSUES...

EXCEPT, WHEN PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES
ANYTHING COULD BE AN ISSUE TO THEM.

A lot of it, I think, is internal conflicts.
WHAT KIND OF AN INTERNAL CONFLICT
IS HAVING SOMETHING DONE TO YOU
TO CRY ABOUT TO "MAKE" YOU STOP CRYING...

Yeah, it's something to cry about
THAT'S WHY I WAS F*CKING CRYING
AND THEN WHEN YOU LEARN TO CRY ON THE INSIDE
YOU JUST KIND OF FIND AN INNER 
KIND OF SOLACE WHERE IT'S JUST YOU.
SEPARATE FROM THOSE AROUND YOU.
THEN IT BECOMES EVERYONE AROUND YOU...

The inner solace is great WHEN HEALED FROM STUFF.
THE INNER TURMOIL CAN BE TORTURE.
I KNOW THIS. I USED TO TORTURE MYSELF.
Because I used to think that's all there was.
That's WHY I WAS F*CKING DEPRESSED.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
I KEPT THINKING THAT, THAT'S WHY I BELIEVED IT.

Also, I couldn't "see" anything else.
I COULDN'T EVEN FATHOM THE BIGGER PICTURE.
LET ALONE SEE ANYTHING.
HOW I WAS THINKING, ACTING, BEING, ETC.
I WASN'T TAUGHT ANY OF THAT.

I learned that I don't like being controlled. 
BUT ALSO, THROUGH EXPERIENCE
AND DEVELOPING INSIGHT...
I'VE LEARNED TO CONTROL MYSELF.

I hold back, a lot. Speaking on things
that people don't want to f*cking hear
BECAUSE IT'S F*CKING TRUE.
AND IT APPLIES TO THEM.

In my twenties, I had a lot of defence tactics, 
I had manipulation things I'd learned and unlearned.
I've become good with not getting what I wanted.
I've become good with containing "anger" and "rage"
AND NOT ACTING ON THOSE EMOTIONS.

EVEN IF IT MAKES ME SEEM LIKE I DON'T CARE.
I DO, BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME I'VE MADE A STAND FOR MYSELF
PEOPLE HAVE TRIED TO MAKE ME SEEM CRAZY.
EVEN ABOUT THINGS THAT SHOULD MATTER.

BUT HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU F*CKING TELL ANYONE?!
BUT WHEN YOU TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS?!

The ones who pretend they aren't doing anything
GOT REALLY GOOD AT PRETENDING.
THEY KNOW HOW TO PRETEND, THEY GOT GOOD AT IT.

An example are "gold diggers."
THEY ARE IN IT FOR THE MONEY.
BUT THEY ARE GOOD AT PRETENDING THEY'RE NOT.
BECAUSE WHY MAKE IT OBVIOUS?

Because when it's obvious, it's seen for what it is.
THEN THE ILLUSION IS OVER.
THE ILLUSION THAT IT WAS ANYTHING MORE.

People who aren't being who they really are...
But are we who we really are if we keep changing?
Or are we becoming who we really are?

When we "unpack" stuff... It lightens the load.
A lot of stuff gets too heavy.
Feels like the weight of the world
ON OUR SHOULDERS.
Literally.
It's easy to let it pull us down, 
and a weight around our ankles...
Keeping us stuck.

The blocks are actually in our minds.
Thinking is much to do with perspective.
If you've got a skewed perspective, 
you'll see things in a skewed way.
You'll think about it in skewed ways.
You can easily take skewed actions.

LIKE WANTING TO INTIMIDATE SOMEONE
INTO PAYING ME BACK...

OR THE UGLY THINGS
PEOPLE DO OUT OF JEALOUSY
WHEN NOBODY HAS TO BE THAT JEALOUS
TO GO ON A RAMPAGE...
Sneakily or otherwise.

Like that guy who wanted to try to convince me
to "forget that guy" (so you can be with me instead).
AND WHAT WERE THE SIGNS?
THE GUY WHO WANTED ME TO GO TO THE ADULT STORE...
AND WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO.
HE TRIED CONVINCING ME...
BECAUSE HE HAD SOME GOAL.
OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED ME
OR KEPT ASKING ME...

When people are manipulative, it bothers me.
Yes, I've tried lighting a fire under people's @sses.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE CHOICES, TOO.
BUT THEIR CHOICES ARE THEIRS.
I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES
AND NOT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO
ALL THE F*CKING TIME.

ALL BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS COMPLETE CONTROL.
I appreciate and need my autonomy. 

That same guy...
He wanted me to stop at the top of the hill. 
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO RIDE DOWN THE HILL. 
I WANTED TO, SO I DID.
HE GOT SO MAD AT ME
BECAUSE I DID WHAT HE "TOLD" ME NOT TO DO.
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS MY CHOICE.

That's control. I've been around a lot of controlling people. 
ALL MY LIFE. AND USING ANGER ON ME.
TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL
WHEN HOW THEY FEEL HAS TO DO WITH THEM.

Anyway, manipulators tend to use guilt as a tactic. 
To make people "feel bad" for not doing
something they wanted them to do.


I'll give an example: I knew a girl who was seeing someone.
She would actually say things to the guy to try to make him feel guilty
FOR NOT DOING SOMETHING SHE WANTED HIM TO DO.

Like she'd say things about him not texting him etc.

I'm currently going through this with that guy I wrote about.
The guy who was making suggestions to me.
And was actually wanting me to agree to marry him ffs.

He texts me a bunch of times every day. I don't text back. 
Because:

1) I'm doing other things.
2) He's gotten too attached to me
3) literally wanted to try to trap me in a 'marriage.'

It's hard setting boundaries with people...
BUT IT IS ONE OF THE MOST VALUABLE SKILLS.

Someone said something:
She said "Your light is like a lantern attracting everything."

Someone who was trying to "help me out" was trying to manipulate me
INTO THINKING THE WAY HE THINKS.

First of all, most people underestimate me
BECAUSE I HOLD BACK A LOT.

It's that when some people see it, like it, they want it.
ALL THE DANG TIME.
THEY EVEN TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF MY GOALS.
TO TAKE MY TIME FROM ME.
BECAUSE THEY WANT MY ENERGY.

IT GETS DRAINING. AND I HAVE LEARNED
FROM ALL KINDS OF SITUATIONS
THAT I GOT MYSELF INTO...
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO.

I read a comment on YouTube, it was something about
how the guy was a prison officer and some inmate
was pretty well-mannered, etc.
and another officer/guard said
to pay close attention to him
BECAUSE OF WHAT GOT HIM IN THERE.

And you'd never think it.
Some people I've encountered, 
I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT, AT ALL.
LIKE I SAY, IT'S LIKE WEARING ROSE-COLORED GLASSES.

WHICH I'VE DONE, A LOT OF.
BECAUSE I TRUSTED PEOPLE WHO
ONLY WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED
FROM ME. THAT'S IT.

AND OFTEN, I DON'T SEE IT RIGHT AWAY
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.

It bugs me that I even have to watch for that.
BECAUSE YOU'D HOPE THAT IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LIKE THAT,
DOESN'T MEAN THEY AREN'T.


My brother was helping me when the guy broke my mirror. 
He said I should pack the broken glass with his stuff.
I said that it crossed my mind
but just because he was petty enough to break my mirror
DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO BE PETTY.

BUT I ALSO DON'T NEED TO BE PUTTING UP
WITH ANYONE'S BS, EITHER.

PETTY IMMATURE BS
IS PETTY IMMATURE BS.

What I've been learning, and already knew.
It was all a test for me.
It's not like I passed all the tests.
You learn from wrong answers...

I had a math teacher who marked my work wrong
EVEN THOUGH MY ANSWERS WERE RIGHT
BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY HE TAUGHT IT.

AND HE LEFT ONE SCHOOL I WAS AT
AND APPEARED AT ANOTHER SCHOOL I WAS AT.
IT FELT OFF LIKE IT WASN'T A COINCIDENCE.

I've gotta start going to bed earlier.
I've messed up my sleep schedule, again.