Fire Together, Wire Together

Doing the work isn't easy and isn't pleasant.
It's not on the list of things people want to do
ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO TRY TO JUSTIFY
OR EXCUSE THEIR OWN ACTIONS.
AND BEHAVIOR, HABITS ETC.

I used to do it BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF.
What can you see in a broken, dirty, mirror, though.

All you see is the cracks, shards, and the dirt.
Or you get so used to it being there that you develop 
a type of willful blindness.
A type of ignorance.

In my 20s it was kind of about EGO.
Not that I ever thought of myself as too big to FAIL.
I've failed HARD and OFTEN.

But every damn time, I got back up.
And I'm still getting back up.

But... Because I didn't want to look at myself
I WASN'T LOOKING AT MYSELF. 

TRUTHFULLY, I DIDN'T WANT TO CHANGE.
I HAD TO, I WAS FORCED TO.
BECAUSE A LOT OF THINGS I DID AND WAS DOING
WASN'T WORKING.

DRINKING WASN'T WORKING!
EVEN THOUGH THAT'S ALL I KNEW HOW TO DO.

THAT AND WRITING WERE MY ONLY 
"COPING MECHANISMS"
BUT IF IT WORKED, THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

I wanted to say that you can't drink yourself into success.
BEING DRUNK ISN'T CONDUCIVE TO SELF-CONTROL
OR SELF-MASTERY.

Alcohol shuts off part of your brain
that you use to make decisions.
WHEN YOU DRINK FROM AN EARLY AGE
BEFORE YOUR BRAIN IS FULLY DEVELOPED.
SHUTTING THAT PART OF YOUR BRAIN OFF,
DOESN'T LET THAT PART OF THE BRAIN DEVELOP,
AS IT NORMALLY WOULD.


All things I didn't know or understand
when I started drinking...

A lot of things I wish I knew back then...
Like the fact that alcohol is a depressant.
Trying to "treat" depression with a depressant
IS A LOSING F*CKING GAME.
SPEAKING AS AN EX ALCOHOLIC.

I don't like the whole "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."
I'm an ex alcoholic. I've been sober for 10 years now.
I don't think about alcohol like I did back then. 
I don't get "f*cked up" to "cope" "emotionally."
IT WASN'T HELPING ME IN ANY WAY.
LEAST OF ALL EMOTIONALLY.
OR MENTALLY.

There's a lot I had to work on, internally.
Mentally and emotionally, I'm not on "point" yet, 
but I feel "removed" from how I used to think
and how I used to feel, how I used to act, and how I used to be...

I HAD TO LOOK AT MYSELF.
BECAUSE I HAD TO SEE HOW I WAS BEING.
HOW I WAS ACTING, HOW I WAS THINKING, 
HOW I WAS FEELING...

Most people aren't talking about it.
MY PARENTS NEVER TAUGHT ME ANY OF IT.
THEY CAN'T TEACH ME WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW.

I was at a disadvantage as a kid, as a teenager, 
and as a young adult... DUE TO WHAT I NEEDED TO LEARN.
AND THINGS THAT I'M STILL LEARNING...
THAT I HAVE TO LEARN ON MY OWN
AND TAKE THE TIME TO PRACTICE.

I got good at my sh*ttiness, because I practiced that.
WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
IF ANY. 

I WASN'T TAUGHT THAT.
I HAD TO TEACH MYSELF THAT.
I HAD TO TAKE THE TIME TO REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.
I'm talking about DEEP THOUGHT.
DEEP CONSIDERATION...
DELIBERATELY.

A lot I had to learn about emotions. 
And still am learning about emotions. 

I've had to learn about my triggers.
WHAT FRUSTRATES ME
WHAT PISSES ME OFF...

AND PUTTING A SPACE BETWEEN
THE EMOTION AND REACTION. 

DUE TO THAT EXAMPLE:
How I thought about trying to forcefully get my money back
From the guy who kept blocking me etc.

IT'S ON ME FOR EVEN LOANING IT TO HIM.
GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
PUTTING TRUST IN HIM TO PAY ME BACK.

But... I am too tired to keep GIVING, GIVING, GIVING.

As an example: I built a website for someone.
THE MORE HE ASKS OF ME
THE MORE HE EXPECTS OF ME
AND THE MORE HE SEEMS TO FEEL ENTITLED TO.

NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO MY ENERGY.

I've been slowly increasing and raising my energy.
AND THE MORE I DO IT, THE MORE I WANT TO PRESERVE IT.
BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE GETS ACCESS TO ME.
THEY WANT IT, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IT.
ESPECIALLY NOT DOWN TO THE LAST DROP.

From what I've learned about people...
TAKERS HAVE NO BOUNDS.
SO IF YOU DON'T SAY NO, THEY WILL KEEP EXPECTING
AND KEEP TAKING AND BEING SELFISH AF.

That's what I've learned. I've had to say no.
I have to say no. I have reasons to say no.
EVERYONE HAS REASONS TO SAY NO.
NO MATTER WHO WANTS YOU TO SAY YES.
NO MATTER WHY THEY WANT YOU TO SAY YES.
PEOPLE WHO ARE USED TO GETTING EVERYTHING THEY WANT
ALL THE DAMN TIME
NEED TO BE TOLD NO.
JUST F*CKING NO.
EVEN IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT.
BUT ESPECIALLY IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT.

I've even had to tell myself no. 
TELLING YOURSELF NO, IS JUST AS IMPORTANT
AS TELLING OTHERS NO.
AND WHEN THE ANSWER IS NO, 
IT'S JUST NO AND NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.

Because if you give an explanation
THEY WILL TRY TO CONVINCE YOU TO SAY YES.
EVEN THOUGH THEY TRY TO CONVINCE YOU TO SAY YES
(BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO)

THEY DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THEIR WAY!
EVEN IF IT MAKES THEM ANGRY,
BUT ESPECIALLY IF IT MAKES THEM ANGRY.

People often use anger or guilt to manipulate people
into just "going with it" or feeling guilty for saying no.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SAYING NO.
OR LETTING GO OF ANYTHING THAT ISN'T GOOD/HEALTHY FOR YOU.
NO MATTER HOW ANYONE FEELS ABOUT IT.

I have to tell everyone this, I have to keep telling myself this.
NOT TO BE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GETS TRIGGERED
BY HEARING NO.
IT'S NOT THEIR CHOICE TO MAKE FOR YOU.
IT'S YOUR CHOICE.
NO MATTER HOW THEY TRY TO SWAY YOU.
Because you don't have to let them sway you.
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

Setting boundaries is an important skill to have.
It's important to learn AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.
I wasn't taught so many things... 

It's up to us to learn the things we could be learning. 

When I was in college, we had a psychology class.
The take away from that class is:
NEURONS THAT FIRE TOGETHER, WIRE TOGETHER.

The thing is that if you don't keep the new path...
How do I put it? If you don't want the path to grow over...
It has to be used, and used often...
Or it will get pruned apart. 

As an example: I used to know DOS.
I had a computer that ran on DOS.
I used to know the commands etc.
I don't anymore because I haven't used DOS since the 90s...

I was thinking about that the other day... About DOS.
C DOS Run lol. If you know, you know.
I'm 40 years old, so... Lots of things I remember
that we don't have anymore...
*insert dial-up noises* Did you hear it in your mind? I did.

I used to unplug the phone my grandparents had in the hall.
It was a dial phone. I miss those, they were fun. 
Just to play around with the dial...

A neighbor gave me a dish today. It's a dessert.
It's a dish they make in Turkey.
It has a zest to it, and it has barley. It's sweet. It's nice.
 
Anyway, time to go to bed.