Often They Can't

There was something that kept coming up.
"They can't come with you where you're going."
I can't bring everyone with me
and not everyone is meant to come with me.

Imagine having to carry it ALL on your back?
Carrying people who don't want to carry their own weight?
But you have to ask yourself.
Are you trying to carry them because they don't want to?
Or because you're just being expected to?
For people who wouldn't do anything for you?

Because at what point do you just stop?
And do you want to stop if it's someone you love?
WHO COULD HAVE JUST LOVED YOU, TOO.

Because it shouldn't be complicated.
WHEN IT IS, SOMEONE IS MAKING IT COMPLICATED.
OR IS BEING ALLOW TO COMPLICATE THINGS.

Otherwise, simple things ought to be simple.
Why wouldn't they be?
They would be, right?
If they haven't a reason not to be, they would be.

At least we'd hope, eh? Yeah. Hope.

Hope doesn't make it so.
Like all the times I had hope for whatever reason.
Hoping that what I was looking for, 
what I actually wanted in life...
Hoping that it was where I was looking for it.
But didn't find it where I had hoped.

Can find it somewhere it's not.
No matter how much I hoped and wished etc.

Picking up the pieces of my past
with a lot of anger for things I did not deserve.
BS that wasn't fair to me.

But it was like I was expected to work overtime
TO MAKE EVERYTHING FAIR FOR EVERYONE
EXCEPT FOR MYSELF.
Because I wasn't being fair to myself
to drag myself through any of that
for any kind of outcome I had hoped for.

Because it wasn't worth it.
Other than learning that the things I once wanted, 
and once had hoped for...
ARE NOT GUARANTEED
JUST BECAUSE I HAD HOPED FOR SOMETHING.

There was something that helped me get through a bit.
"Your value doesn't decrease just because anyone can't see your worth."
It was worded differently, but that's the gist.

It helped me to feel like I still have value. 
Even if certain other people can't see my worth.

If they are refusing to see it, 
is trying to force them to see it going to make them stop refusing to?

Could be waiting forever to wait for anyone to wake up.

Kind of going back to the head up the @ss analogy, 
when that's all they know, that's all they know.
Is it your fault that's all they know?
Even if they want to blame you for what they don't know.
As though it's somehow your fault they can't see... X,Y,Z.

Even if they refuse to see it, can still get blamed for that.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT ANYONE REFUSES TO SEE ANYTHING.
Including anything about themselves
or about their situations...

It'd be like me blaming everyone about something I can't see.
What would I get from that?
The only thing I can even think of out of that
would be to try to make myself blameless
by trying to blame someone else.

I let so much sh*t go until I'm done letting sh*t go. 
And only THEN is when people realize
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TESTED ME.

It's all funny when they want to play games...
FUNNY AF, RIGHT?

None of it was funny to me. None of it.
Not so funny when they know I'm not playing.
Not so funny then.
But funny up until then?

But they don't talk about the lies they are in denial about.
Never about how someone else wanted something or someone to look.
To look or to seem.
For their own agenda.

BUT IT REALLY BUGS ME
THAT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE AN AGENDA
AND YOU GET TREATED AS THOUGH YOU DO,
BUT THE ONES WHO ACTUALLY DO
GET TREATED AS THOUGH THEY DON'T.

I don't know why it bugs me so much.
Being treated like that, constantly.

But if someone else is trying to make me seem like I do...
Then it's easier to think that I do
than if there wasn't anyone trying to.

It's frustrating to even try to explain that.

It's mostly to do with people projecting crap on someone.
Who HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHATEVER IT IS
BEING PROJECTED ONTO THEM
Or even the person projecting it.

But it has to do with the person who they are projecting it TO
BELIEVING THE LIES AND PROJECTIONS.
Manipulation tactics.

And when you try to explain that to someone
who's in DEEP denial... 
How likely are you to get that message across?

How can we have a deep understanding of something
without a deep understanding of other things
that need to be understood for others to be understood?

But I have seen this... I've lived it...
Where someone projects THEIR crap on me
to try to make it seems like THEIR crap is actually mine.

The only reason anyone would have for that
is to try to get someone to look or seem some way
they actually aren't would be is to try to do something.

Because making someone seem a type of way
is deceptive even without the reasoning behind it.

Like someone acting like a "psycho wife"
and saying to everyone that someone else is...

That's the kind of crap I've had happen. 
When I cared about someone
who is too immature for me to even WANT to marry...

But caring meant I wanted to?

WHEN THE REAL REASON WAS
SHE DIDN'T WANT HIM AND I TO GET MARRIED.
Because that would mean she wouldn't get any money.
Or as much money that she's been getting.
Or whatever else she wants...

AND THAT IS HER WHOLE MOTIVE
TO PRESERVE THAT FOR HERSELF
NOT BECAUSE SHE CARES "MORE" THAN ME.
NOT BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY WANTS HIM. 

BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON HIM.
But you can't CHEAT and then try to act all territorial.

And even when I told him that, he was in complete denial. 
Probably because you wouldn't want that to be the case.

But there's only a certain level of immaturity I will deal with.
Immaturity from him and from HER
With threats from HER
When I never contacted her even once.

WHY WOULD I NEED TO?
TO INFLATE OR STROKE MY EGO?
TO TRY TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL IMPORTANT?

No, she thinks she has control OVER ME
AND WHAT I DO OR DON'T DO.

Because that's what she wants. Control. 
That's not what I want. 
Because I don't need to TRY to control anyone.
Like she seems to want to TRY to control me.

Seems like if she had control over herself, 
she wouldn't have contacted me, even once. 
Let alone to 'THREATEN' me.

Why do that if I'm supposedly not a 'threat'?
But I supposedly am the 'psycho wife.'
See how ironic and hypocritical that crap is?

See why I'm not doing it? See how he exposes herself?
BUT EVEN WITH HER EXPOSING HERSELF
SHE'LL TELL WHATEVER LIES SHE 'NEEDS' TO
TO DEFLECT HER BS.

And when someone cries to me about someone's BS
How they can't do it anymore, etc.
THEN KEEP BEING UP THEIR @SS...

Why cry to me about it in the first place?
Because I'm supposed to have sympathy?
For what they are choosing to put themselves through?

Why would I want to marry someone who just goes with
all the lies and BS ABOUT ME but tries to take that crap out on ME
WHEN I HAVE ZERO TO DO WITH ANY OF IT.

See how fair that is? Why would I want that?
Because it's soooooo attractive?! No.

That'd be like letting someone who wanted to be with me, 
but not want to be with ME, just wants my money,
TELL ME A WHOLE BUNCH OF LIES
ABOUT THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME.

But I had to stop caring because of the lies and BS.
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
OTHER THAN ME BEING A 'PSYCHO WIFE'
FOR SHOWING SOMEONE I CARED ABOUT THEM.

But knowing that me backing off because of her sh*t
was me backing off no matter the reason
WHICH IS WHAT SHE WANTS.

So much so that when he was staying with me, 
SHE WENT BEHIND HIS BACK
TO TAKE HIM TO COURT
TO TRY TO GET HIM COMMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL. 

Even if her plan didn't work, she'd at least see him due to court. 
And when he was seeing HER, he wasn't with ME.

It's fkd when you get how people think and what their motives are.
I mean, I could be about that sh*t too.
BUT WHAT MOTIVATES THEM DOESN'T MOTIVATE ME.

If a guy's lack of self-control, and his immaturity, 
even dealing with someone THAT immature...
To even do sh*t behind his back 'because of me'
AND DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME
WHEN I TELL HIM TO HIS FACE...

EVEN AFTER HE TOLD ME TO MY FACE
THAT HE SPENT 20 YEARS WITH THE WRONG PERSON...

(If that's the case DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT).

If it's like THAT, though...
WHY WOULD I WANT TO MARRY THE GUY?
TO HAVE CONTROL OVER HIM THAT I DON'T WANT?

Because if a guy can't control himself...
WHY WOULD I WANT TO MARRY HIM?

Just like these 'females' who want control over a guy
BUT CAN'T CONTROL THEMSELVES
EVEN ENOUGH NOT TO CONTACT ME
OVER SOMETHING I'M NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN.

I mean, if that's the level of insecurity... And immaturity...
They can both deal with each other for all I care.

Yet I'm the 'psycho wife' who hasn't been doing
ANY OF THE THINGS SHE'S DONE AND BEEN DOING
THE ENTIRE TIME.
EVEN EXPOSING HERSELF FOR DOING IT.

And it p*sses her off that I know why she's doing it.
Funny how I can go my own way
without trying to fight someone over a guy I don't want to be with.
A GUY SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH EITHER
BUT HE'S JUST TOO EASY TO CONVINCE.
That she can convince him, nobody else.

Because he's believed the bs lies all along. 
Wouldn't matter what the truth actually is
as long as he just goes with her 'narrative.'

But if he's WILLING TO LISTEN TO IT
AND ACTUALLY BELIEVES IT.... 
EVEN ABOUT ME....

Why should I waste my time trying to prove
SOMEONE WHO IS WRONG AND KNOWS THEY ARE...
Why would I waste time trying to PROVE her wrong.

That would be ME trying to convince HIM
OF THE TRUTH.

How would that work out?
If I'm the one supposedly being 'psycho.'
FOR JUST TELLING THE TRUTH.

You see why that's a waste of my time?
Why I'll just let them figure it out on their own?

Because if I was the 'psycho' one...
WHY AM I NOT GOING BEHIND HIS BACK?
WHY HAVE I BEEN ASKING AND TELLING HIM
TO GET HIS STUFF OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR MONTHS?

If I had an agenda, wouldn't I have wanted him to stay?
TO KEEP TRYING TO GET MY 'PLAN' TO WORK?

What 'plan' did I ever have? To marry the guy?
WHEN HE'S NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO BE AN ADULT?
AND IS HEAVILY ATTACHED TO SOMEONE
WHO'S ABOUT THAT CRAP?

Not my fault he can't see it for what it is.
Or see her for who she is.
Someone who'd go to those lengths...

Like the whole thing is MY fault for figuring it out.
My gut feelings were proven right.

So since I was already proven RIGHT...
WHY KEEP QUESTIONING ME
LIKE I'M THE ONE TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING?

What, exactly, am I trying to get away with
when I'm literally telling you to get your things tf out of my place
SO I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

What do I hope to gain by doing that?
To prove anyone wrong who said I wanted anything in the first place?

Or MAYBE after ALL this crap
I ACTUALLY WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
Anyone being fed lies can eat them all up
and call them part of a complete meal. 

Haven't I already shown that I care? Until I don't?
Whose fault is it that I stopped?

You can't keep pushing someone away
who actually cares about you and keep expecting them to care.

AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT UP WITH ALL KINDS OF CRAP
TO PROVE THAT I CARE?

Or... Maybe if THEY care, 
WANTING ME TO PUT UP WITH IT
WOULDN'T BE A THING, AT ALL. 

But acting too scared to even be an adult...
THEN TELL ME I'M BEING EMMASCULATING...

Is it up to me whether you man up or not?
Then how is it ON ME whether you do or not?
AND ANYONE NEEDING TO MAN UP...
THAT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. 
Whether or not I would actually require that
from someone I would CONSIDER having for a PARTNER.

Then DO A WHOLE LOT OF CRAP THAT ISN'T FAIR TO ME...
And in the same breath how I'm not treating THEM like an equal. 

AM I NOT TREATING YOU LIKE AN EQUAL
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T DO TO YOU WHAT YOU DID?
THEN I TELL YOU HOW IT'S NOT FAIR
THAT I WOULDN'T TO YOU
AND YOU WOULDN'T TO ANYONE YOU ACTUALLY RESPECT...

IS THAT TREATING ME LIKE AN EQUAL?
Because if it's NOT... You don't get to say sh*t
when I bring up ANYTHING UNFAIR, UNJUST, 
OR EVEN FKN UNREAL!!!

I mean, if he wants to lose ALL his friends
BECAUSE SHE IS THAT INSECURE...
He can keep dealing with that sh*t.
Sign up for another 20 years. 

BUT HE HAS NO RIGHT TO COME TO ME
AFTER HE FINALLY REALIZES I WAS RIGHT.

Even being right doesn't matter because it doesn't change anything.
His choice: Leave or Stay.
Not mine to make for him. It's his.

JUST LIKE SHE COULDN'T SAY OR DO SH*T
IF HE DECIDED TO LEAVE
AND NOT GO BACK
LIKE HE DID A BILLION TIMES
TO TRY TO PROVE HER WRONG...
About what? What is there to prove to her?
His loyalty? Where was hers while cheating on him?

But I'm the one who wasn't 'loyal'? Bent over backward, for nothing. 
Because I stopped caring? ABOUT THE BS GAMES.

Even told me to myself, she's playing games.
WELL NO SH*T. 
I KNEW THIS YEARS AGO.

But instead of refusing to play HER games, 
he's acting like he's not playing games with me.
I'M THE ONE TELLING HIM THIS ISN'T A GAME.

FUNNY HOW IT WAS FUNNY
WHEN IT WAS A GAME, THOUGH.

But if you play games with someone who actually cared.
THEY WILL BE PUSHED TO THE POINT
THEY WON'T GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO SHOW YOU.
LET ALONE KEEP SHOWING YOU.

Like they once DID while YOU were playing games.
What did they think was going to happen?

That I'd just smile and keep playing?

But the ones who keep playing...
They can't blame me if they want to play those games
WITH WHOEVER WANTS TO PLAY THOSE GAMES.

Do I have time for that sh*t?
Is that of any interest to me?
Would that be of any interest to YOU?
Would you have time for ANY of that?

Y'know what?! He just called about finally
getting his things from my place
BECAUSE I HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO JUST MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE
WHETHER OR NOT I EVEN CONTEMPLATE
BEING WITH ANYONE...

The MOST insulting is asking ME
how I'm doing....
DID YOU GAF HOW I WAS DOING
WHEN YOU WERE TOO BUSY
RUNNING YOUR MOUTH TO ME?
PLAYING IN MY FACE?

You didn't then, so why NOW?

That's what p*sses me off.
AND TRYING TO ACT LIKE
I'M ONLY P*SSED OFF BECAUSE I'M 'CRAZY'?

They would have EVERY RIGHT not to deal with ME
if I did ANY of the things THEY did, to me.

But why should it have to take for me to actually say F this?
For them to get the picture?
That I don't have to be IN the picture?


And I'm not going to try to stay IN the picture
to try to get SOMETHING OUT OF IT
WHEN THOSE THINGS MEAN F ALL TO ME.

But yet discard and dismiss me, my feelings
BUT HAVE THE BALLS TO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING?
WHEN YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE RIGHT
TO EVEN ASK ME?

Lost those rights, all of them, because you didn't care.
The right to even ask me ANYTHING
let alone ask me how I'm DOING
LIKE YOU EVER GAF ABOUT ME AT ALL
WHEN YOU NEVER SHOWED ME YOU DID.

Since it was such a CHORE to ask me before...
LET ALONE TALK TO ME...

You can't THEN be like it was never a chore at all. 
BECAUSE IT WASN'T.
WASN'T TO ME...

Is too much of a chore to pick up his things from my place.
BUT WHEN HE ASKED TO BORROW MONEY.
WASN'T AN ISSUE THEN...

Can be 'too busy' doing everything else
EXCEPT THE ONE THING I HAVE ASKED THAT YOU DO.
SO I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO BE TREATED
THE WAY ANYONE FELT IT WAS COOL TO TREAT ME.
BECAUSE IT NEVER WAS COOL.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T DO SH*T LIKE THAT.

Also because I'm an ADULT.
Childish games are for immature f*cktoids. 

But wasn't an issue to call me just now.
EVEN THOUGH ALL HE HAD TO DO
WAS GET HIS THINGS OUT OF MY PLACE
I kicked him out in December. It's JUNE.
Should I wait ANOTHER 6 MONTHS?

SHOULD I WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR?
For him to get HIS things?

If someone wanted ME to get MY things out of THEIR place...
WHY WOULD I KEEP PUTTING THAT OFF?
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WERE WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS
TO BOOT ME TF OUT OF THEIR PLACE.

You want to play stupid games, won a stupid prize.
If I was about playing stupid games, I'd expect to win a stupid prize
and I couldn't be shocked or surprised. 

But that's literally all I want at this point.
Just to be left alone BY EVERYONE TRYING TO COME AT ME
DUE TO THEIR OWN ISSUES
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Because if it's their choice, 
HOW COULD THAT BE ON ME?

Is it even MY fault that they are in denial?
This is why. This is exactly why.

Didn't have the time of day for me.
A BILLION DIFFERENT TIMES
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME...

BUT WHEN I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE.
THEN I'M THE ONE WHO'S 'CRAZY'?
Crazy for what? Not doing it anymore?
For not wanting to? For not having to even have to?

But try to gaslight me like I'm going to do something.
WHY? To get 'revenge'?
To show everyone how 'crazy' I am?

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CALL SOMEONE 'CRAZY'
WHEN THEY ARE ACTING THE CALMEST THEY CAN...
CONSIDERING ALL THE DRAMA & BS?

How is any of that supposed to look to me? Attractive? Mature?

IF YOU WANT TO BE 'CONSIDERED A MAN'
MAN UP! FOR YOURSELF!
NOT TO PROVE SOMETHING TO ME!

Sure, it'd be cool if someone wanted to 'man up'
due to the realizations that they probably should...
BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
BECAUSE I DON'T GET TO CHOOSE
WHO DOES AND WHO DOESN'T. 

Since it wasn't up to anyone OTHER THAN ME
if I leveled up, or not... It's not up to ME
whether anyone does or not. 

I'D RATHER THAT BE THE CHOICE THAT IT IS.
THAN ANYONE TRYING TO CALL ME 'CRAZY'
FOR SHOWING THEM SOMETHING 
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE
ABOUT THEMSELVES.

LET ALONE WANTED ME TO SHOW THEM.

Because who am I to show someone
themselves to themselves?

What's weird is them knowing that I know...
And still trying to play it off...
WHY? I ALREADY CAUGHT YOU IN YOUR BS.
You were all over being about your BS...
WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T LEAVE.
BECAUSE I CARED ENOUGH TO BE THERE.
LIKE I HAD SOMETHING TO PROVE TO EVERYONE.

I don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Nor do I have to set myself ON FIRE 
to try to prove I could keep someone warm.

If they're the ones expecting me to set myself on fire...
FOR THEM... THEY CAN'T BE MAD THAT I STOPPED.

Especially because, besides that being fked in itself, 
WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT FROM THEM?

What bothers me is being called 'a good friend'
BUT NOT BEING TREATED AS THOUGH I AM.

So what point am I supposed to just stay and stay and stay...
TO KEEP BEING TREATED LIKE THAT...
UNTIL I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE?

AND WHY DID THEY EVER THINK I'D WANT THAT?
They wouldn't want that from ME.
So wouldn't it make SENSE not to treat ME
the way they wouldn't want ME to treat THEM?

But force me to WAIT UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU
TO GET YOUR THINGS OUT OF MY PLACE
WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKING YOU TO FOR MONTHS
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT FOR ME?

Did I tell you I couldn't cook for you?
Did I tell you I couldn't remind you about appointments etc?
Did I tell you I couldn't check on you?
TO SEE HOW YOU WERE DOING?

DID I EVEN ACT LIKE ANY OF THOSE THINGS
WERE A CHORE TO ME?

Why would I? 
So then why do I get treated like
GETTING YOUR THINGS OUT OF MY PLACE
IS SUCH A CHORE THAT I'M STILL WAITING AFTER MONTHS?!

But sorry about the delay?
SORRY FOR STILL TREATING YOU
LIKE SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS GETTING MY THINGS
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE IS A CHORE TO ME.

Oh, but HOW ARE YOU DOING?!?
Don't even get to ask me that now.
Didn't care how I was doing when you did X Y Z to me.
But you going to try to act like you do NOW?

You could have back then. 
WHEN YOU COULD NOT GAF.