I Don't Get To Choose About Any Of That

It's been really rough, some things.
We all go through it. In some way or another.
I'm not the only one going through it. Never was.

No matter anything I've been through,
I've never been the only one going through anything.

No matter how I felt about anything I've been through.
No matter what I thought about it, either.

No matter the times I thought nobody would ever 'get it.'
Or the feelings like I wasn't worth them "getting it."

To me, it's always been very simple.
But it's not up to me what standards someone has for themselves.
It's not for someone to 'meet my standards.'
It's about them raising their own standards.
NOT FOR ME. FOR THEMSELVES.

Because it was for me to raise my own, for myself.

But it's also not on me to want them to raise theirs.
I could, but do I get to make that choice for them?

It's their choice about their standards.
I don't get to choose about that.

What I can choose, though, is what I'll be about
and what I'll stay for.
Because that's my choice, mine.

Just because you CAN deal with a lot
doesn't mean you WANT TO deal with a lot. 

And if you don't? Do I?

I'm not asking anyone to move mountains for me.
That's never even been anything I ever wanted from anyone.

I can't choose what they want to be about.
Nor is it for me to choose for them. 

Even those who always wanted the best for me, 
they couldn't choose for me.
They probably would have chosen better, for me, if they could.
They didn't get to do that and I don't, either.

So who gets to blame me for anything they chose?
Do I get to blame any of them that I could have made
a choice other than the choice I made?

And someone doesn't get to blame me
for someone else's choice.
If it's not them who gets to choose, they can't,
and they also can't get mad.
At me, for something that wasn't their choice.

It's like that interrogation I saw of the crazy ex.
Who sh0t the gf of her ex bf.

When something is over, I know it is.
THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO MOVE ON.
SO DO I.
Even if I felt any type of way about that.
IT IS THEIR RIGHT TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE IT IS THEIR CHOICE.

It is MY right to do that, also.
It is MY choice, also.

That's the mature way. 

EVEN IF YOU CAN'T SEE EYE TO EYE.
ON WHATEVER.

It's still within their right.
It's also still within my right.

It is within that dude's right to date someone else.
No matter how she felt about it, or about her.

I've had chicks be territorial over a dude
EVEN THOUGH IT'S HIS CHOICE.

So being a "pick me" isn't going to mean anything.

I'd rather not play those "catfight" bs games.
Like legit trying to threaten me.
Why threaten me if I'm not seen as a threat?
Then ask yourself
WHY I'M NOT THREATENING YOU.
DO I HAVE TO?
TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING? What, though?

It's bothered me, often. But I already know how it can be.
Because I've seen it. I've experienced some of it.

But what I've already experienced, do I need to repeat?
If they aren't serious, why should I be?

All the while you can still wish someone well.
And that's the mature thing to do.

Even despite whatever they get themselves into
that wasn't for you for them to decide not to,
Even if you literally told them to their face
exactly what was happening and they refused to see it.

Pretty sure, that if at some point, someone suggested
that the ex gf might seem like the type of person
who would do what she did....

And if that someone wasn't taken seriously...
Is the person who wasn't being taken seriously
at any fault for not being taken seriously?

Even if they literally spell everything out...
Word by word, letter by letter...
What's actually been the case.
The whole time.

But if that person is in COMPLETE DENIAL,
IT WON'T MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE.
NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF A DIFFERENCE
YOU COULD HAVE MADE.

The denial I was in was the fact that I needed to make changes, too.
But also connected to the fact that I took too much sh*t
I should never have had to take.

Or maybe I did have to, to learn some things from it.

I get other have their lessons too, about maturity.
Did I? Yeah. I did. Do I still have more? Yes. I do.

But not questioning it, not overthinking it. Why?
To drive myself crazy? For what?
I could. But what would that do for me?
What has it done for me?
Anything?

That's the point I'm at right now.
Because I spent too much time doing that.
And if I hadn't?
If I spent time doing something else?
Because I could have. I could have.
AND IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT THAT I DIDN'T.
SO I CAN'T GET MAD AT ANYONE FOR THAT.

Just like nobody can be mad at me for that.
Because that isn't my fault.

So why get treated as though it is?
Once, let alone repeatedly?

But nobody who has nothing to do with me
gets to come at me because they feel like it.

SEE ME COMING AT THEM BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT?
I could, but is that worth it to me?!
Will it solve anything?

Would be more to do with me then them
IF I WAS THE ONE WHO HAS THE ISSUE.

Because there'd be something to get out of it,
OR ELSE WHY EVEN BOTHER TO BE ABOUT IT?

But you can't act all scared, then play in someone's face
then act like the person whose face you were playing in
Is the issue. 

Because nobody had to be about any of that mess with me.
You can't be all like "I'm terrified of you"
and STILL KEEP STAYING UNDER MY ROOF
BUT NOT TOO TERRIFIED
NOT TO BE ABOUT ANY OF THAT BS.

Because if that's the case, WHY be here?

Have I even done anything? 
But people projecting their crap onto me
just makes me look like I could be capable of anything.
Because supposedly I lack 'self control'
Well then, what am I doing exactly?

What was I doing back then? Telling the truth?
That's what's terrifying. 

What's sad is that someone is seen as a threat
so they get lied to and lied about.

Why would they have to rely on lies being believed about someone?
So that person looks a type of way to someone
whoever believes the lies.

When someone has too much potential
easier for them to try to destroy and ruin something
literally any way they could try. 

Than to admit that it has potential and let it be.

The case of the interrogation.
She couldn't accept the fact he wanted to move on. 

I don't need to be caught up in bs like that.
If someone decides to move on with someone else.
THEY ARE ALLOWED TO DO THAT.
NO MATTER HOW ANYONE FEELS ABOUT THAT.

But to be treated like I am the one who doesn't get it
by someone who is acting like they don't get that...
That's projection. 

Did I have to let people make their choices?

That they decided to make? Yeah!
I didn't have the choice but to let them.

Nothing I said would have stopped them. 
How could it when people just refuse to listen?

Back when I once visited a good friend of mine...
I WARNED HIM ABOUT TAKING DRUGS.
Would he still be here if he had taken me seriously?
If he had listened to me?

BUT WAS IT MY FAULT THAT HE DIDN'T?
Because he could have. It was his choice.


I used to blame myself for my father's death.
I was angry at myself and angry at him. 
Ultimately he made the choice, was his choice. 

I used to drink, but the drinking was my choice.
Keeping drinking was my choice. 
Drinking too much was my choice.
Drinking for the wrong reasons was my choice.

QUITTING WAS MY CHOICE, TOO.

Started drinking because I was angry.
Never really did much for me but help me realize.
That's all it did for me, in the end.

But I still get angry and if the shoe was on the other foot,
THEY WOULD BE TOO.

Yet I don't even get treated like THEY WOULD BE TOO?
It isn't hard to see that they would be, too.
Because anyone would be.
So why wouldn't I be, too?

Not so hard to figure that out. Nothing to overthink about it.
Would sprain your brain making it something it isn't.

And that's what I've been doing. Spraining my brain.
Instead of training my brain. Y'know?
Could have been. But was I?

That's the feeling at the end of the day.
Because that's not even what I needed. Never was.
It was something deeper than that, of more substance.
Much more substance. Not this crap.