Funeral

Just got back from my step-father's mother's funeral, today.
I had a bunch of really awkward moments...
Not unusual. 

Only a few cousins have anything to do with me.
I get the energy off most that they don't like me at all.

So I "try" to talk to people, but if they want to talk,
they'll say something.

I barely see any of them, at all. 
My Aunt S. I got the chance to tell her
thank you for that time she took me berry picking with her.

She thought I was crying because of the emotions of today. 
I was actually crying because when I'm thankful, 
I'm actually thankful.

I got to go see my other grandmother's grave today,
my mother's mother.

Next to my grandfather and the next plot over:
My grandfather's parents.

It was my great grandmother's mirror the guy busted.
Now I know where they are all at.
All the plots around them have been bought already.

I actually went to a pre pay funeral co-op place
To look at some stuff and options or whatever.

I thought it was like you could start an account and keep paying into it.
But they want all of it in only 2 years.
But at least I know about it now. 

Also, in your plan, you get a contact list thing
so they can contact people you know to come to your funeral, if they want to.

I tried sitting with my cousin and his girlfriend and she
turned to him and says "Do you want to go sit with your brother?"
Then as she's passing me "Excuse me."

At a funeral. Because I sat next to her.

One person was sitting in my row.
Other than me.

But to not want to sit next to someone, at a funeral.
What did I ever do to her?

It bugs me. This BS intimidation thing.

It's that they sense I'm 'different'
it weirds them out. I stopped really giving a f*ck.

So unless they try, I just don't. 
This BS is why.

Everyone went to my cousin's place afterwards.
For food and all of that stuff.

I didn't really want to go, but my step father asked if I would. 
His nephew, my cousin, is a contractor and he and his friends
were the ones who built the house he's living in and is selling. 

So he's got a BIG house, the whole 9 yards, etc.
Happy for him. His sister and mother, they don't like me.
I can tell that they don't. 

My cousin's wives, they'll talk nicely to me. 
They've never been rude to me. 
Don't know any of them personally.

I'm very introverted to begin with.
I don't really have close relationships with females.
I don't know why. 

Well haven't felt comfortable being myself
around many females. 
Well around anyone I know, to be honest.
But mostly around other females.

I don't know why. I just don't. 
I barely feel comfortable as it is as a person. 
When I'm away from judgy people, I feel better.

My stepfather's mother accepted me.
She said nice things about my knitting.

Anyway, I just mostly stick to my brother and mom
when we go to these gatherings as everyone mingles
amongst themselves. 

Didn't know we were going to his place at all
let alone afterwards. He's got a pool
most brought their suits.

I stood around in the garage for a bit.
Listening to my cousins joking around.


Just was weird she wanted to move when I went to sit with them.
He's my COUSIN ffs.
Not by blood, but still.

The people who don't like me, make it obvious.
AND I NEVER EVEN DID ANYTHING TO THEM.

But that seems controlling. Like "LET'S SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE."
Because it wasn't my cousin wanting to move. It was her.
Because we just sat down.
And "Excuse me" as they were passing.

That's gross. I don't like that for him, at all.

But I don't get why the intimidation sh*t.
Intimidation to the point of manipulation. 
Never thought at a funeral, though. 
She knows we're family. 

I don't like that. How people try to control people
when it comes to me, but in general.