Fatigue

Maybe it's the medication, but I'm exhausted. All the time.
I keep thinking about getting caffeine, but it makes me sick.
It never used to, but it started to.

There's been a whole bunch of BS.
A lot of it I already wrote about.
Just never thought anyone would be jealous enough
to do any of this BS.

How can you tell lies about someone
to 'confuse' someone about someone else?

And it had to be someone they wouldn't 'question'
for the lie to even work. 

If it's someone they trusted, telling them something
EVEN A LIE,
they'll believe it, 
BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY LIE?
 
That's the thing. Why? There's a reason they did that.
You cannot tell me there's no "reason"
WHY WOULD SOMEONE LIE FOR NO REASON?

It's f*cked up because there's been spying involved.

I literally had someone WATCHING A CONVERSATION HAPPENING
IN REAL TIME OVER MESSENGER...

AND INTERUPTED THAT CONVERSATION. 

It's one thing to watch someone's conversation
BUT TO GET SO P*SSED THE CONVERSATION'S EVEN HAPPENING,
TO ACTUALLY THREATEN BOTH OF US?

THEN SHE TRIED APOLOGIZING TO ME!!!
NO! You don't get to just do that and SAY SORRY
LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
BECAUSE IT DID!

Like people doing exactly what they knew they were doing...
THEN JUST SAY SORRY.

LIKE, IS JUSTIN TRUDEAU
JUST GOING TO SAY SORRY TO EVERYONE?

Or how about the MPs that are supposedly on the "list"
that supposedly doesn't exist?

Should we all just say sorry for everything?
LIKE PEOPLE BLATANTLY DOING SH*T
IN OUR FACES... "SORRY."

Lying about us and trying to control us
AND OTHER PEOPLE WITH LIES ABOUT US...
"SORRY."

Maybe it's the medication, 
Or maybe it's the medication + BS.

The reason for the lying and manipulating
is just as bad as the lying and manipulating. 
Maybe even worse. 
What do you think? 
A) Just as bad
B) Worse

How can someone be THAT jealous
of someone having a CONVERSATION WITH ME
that they 'need' to watch it, 'secretly'
AND THEN INTERRUPT TO MAKE THREATS?

I've literally had that happen to me.
I've never had ANYONE be that jealous of me, ever.

On top of that, she wanted to FIGHT me.

Why? Because I had real feelings for someone
WHO I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO ANYMORE?

And not just because of that sh*t, her sh*t.
BECAUSE OF HIS OWN SH*T.
IF I DON'T NEED IT, WHY WANT IT?

But WHY try to make me seem like the jealous one?
Am I watching conversations that aren't MY business?
Let alone interrupting them?
Let alone making threats?

Obviously there's a reason for that. For ALL OF THAT.
BECAUSE IF THERE WASN'T, 
THERE WOULD BE NO 'NEED' FOR IT.

And try explaining that to someone
WHO'S SO SURE ABOUT THE LIES ABOUT YOU
TO EVEN LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU SAY?

And if they'd rather believe the LIES...
Than to realize or question the LIES...
Why spend any time "sorting" them out?

Is it for me to "correct" how they see me?
Or the situation?
Or why they are doing what they are doing?

Because that would be exhausting...
Even thinking about the utter BS is exhausting.

It still boggles my mind because I've NEVER had to deal
with anything even remotely like this before.
But I sure won't be a part of it. Why bother?

Because the more I try getting my point across, 
the more this sh*t would continue.

I have to be good about not getting my point across.
Even if I could get my point across, what would be the point?
To "win" some game I never signed up to "play"?

So that they can feed off it some more?
So that they can feed off ME?
So they can hang on every word I say about anything?
And project their sh*t onto me?
To keep me away from someone I don't want to be with anymore?

How desperate does someone have to be?
And then try to paint me like the 'crazy' one?

HOW AM I CRAZY WITH NO AGENDA?

Everyone who did what they were doing
WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE FOR A REASON.

You'd have to feel "threatened" in some way
TO READ CONVERSATIONS
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
THAT ARE NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

But yet, I'm the 'crazy' one.

Why would someone want something to do
with someone who is "crazy"?
THAT'S WHY THE LIE IS GOING AROUND.

Like this sh*t is school days kind of BS.
This kind of sh*t (not exact sh*t)
happened to me when I was in school. 
To get a 'reaction' out of me...

That's why she wants to fight me.

So that if and when I defend myself,
SHE CAN LIE ABOUT WHAT AND WHO STARTED THE FIGHT.

She literally told me "you started it."
Actually, no. SHE started it by getting in MY business
WHERE SHE HAD NO BUSINESS BEING. 

But now, there's no business to get into
let alone be in, because I DON'T NEED SOME DUMB GIRL FIGHT
OVER A GUY WHO'S NOT MAN ENOUGH
TO COME GET HIS OWN THINGS OUT OF MY HOUSE.

He wants to send his BROTHER to come get HIS things. 
HOW IS IT HIS BROTHER'S PROBLEM
THAT HE LEFT HIS THINGS AT MY PLACE?

Like this is the kind of sh*t that turns me OFF.

Man enough to create the issue,
but not man enough to do something about it.

At this point, just not WORTH it to ME.

You want the guy SO BAD that you'll LIE TO HIM ABOUT ME...
LITERALLY SPY ON US, ETC...
GO AHEAD AND KEEP HIM! 

I'm not desperate OVER D*CK. 
BECAUSE IT'S EITHER THAT OR MONEY.
BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T LOVE.

Because if you love someone...
You're okay with them being happy with someone else
EVEN IF IT'S NOT WITH YOU.

OTHERWISE THAT'S JUST SELFISHNESS.

This dude is not for me.
I've been giving him chances to SHOW UP.
EVEN TO GET HIS STUFF HIMSELF. 

It's like "I'm going to intentionally p*ss you off
BY DISRESPECTING YOU."
THEN I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY LIKE A COWARD
AND TELL EVERYONE YOU'RE A PSYCHO
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE'S TELLING ME YOU ARE!

That's literally what's happened.

Of course everyone's telling him that.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT HIM TO THINK.

TO MAKE HIM TOO SCARED TO FACE ME.
AFTER WHAT HE DID TO ME.
INTENTIONALLY.

Wasn't like "I accidentally broke your mirror, I'm sorry."
HE CHOSE TO PICK UP MY BASEBALL BAT
AND SMASH IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
LIKE AN ARROGANT TWAT.

THAT isn't a "misunderstanding."
THAT was a "choice."

How is it on ME that someone WANTED him
to make the wrong choices WHEN IT COMES TO ME?

"I can't stop them from interacting... 
So I have to FORCE them to by ANY means necessary."

How is ANYONE'S immaturity MY PROBLEM?

If I wanted to be immature, I would have used his clothes
TO SOP UP HIS STALE P*SS THAT HE LEFT
FOR ME TO FIND, LET ALONE DEAL WITH...

And then say: "I'm too scared of you to leave the room."
WHY ARE PEOPLE THAT INTIMIDATED BY ME?

1) To spy on my conversations...
2) To not even use the toilet
3) To be too "scared" to come get their things

????

4) To try to cause a divide between me and someone else?

But he wasn't too scared of me to
1) Ask for and come get money from me...
2) To move in with me
3) To smash my mirror right in front of me...

These things are of NO interest to me, at all. 
These things aren't even attractive to me. 

Like it'd be almost funny if it wasn't gross and sad.

The thing that really gets me is that I don't even look at myself
AS THOUGH ANYONE SHOULD BE JEALOUS OF ME.

So it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to try to figure out
WHY ANYONE WOULD GO TO ANY LENGTHS
TO DO ANYTHING TO ME.
WHEN IT COMES TO ANYONE.

But to believe lies on top of it?
And go with people who want you to be against me?
For no other reason than it would BUST their EGO?

Because WHY GO THAT HARD?

What did I even DO? Told someone I had feelings for him?
IN A CONVERSATION THAT I THOUGHT WAS PRIVATE?

Because that's literally all I did.
Besides put the guy up to try to get him off drugs...
IF HE WENT BACK TO THAT SH*T AFTER HE LEFT HERE,
THAT ISN'T MY PROBLEM. 

It wasn't even my problem in the first place. 
The one giving him the drugs wanted him to be drugged up.
Because if he was so drugged up that he couldn't do anything
HE COULDN'T COME TOWARDS ME.
As sad as that is...

This is the kind of BS... New lows of BS.

What would be the worst of it?
Me convincing him that untrustworthy people
are trying to convince him not to trust me?

WHO HAS THE TIME FOR THAT? DO YOU?

Do you have the time to try to convince ANYONE
THAT WHAT THEY ARE BEING TOLD TO THINK ABOUT YOU
ISN'T TRUE?

But I'm the one who's 'manipulative' 
BY ASKING HIM TO GET HIS THINGS HIMSELF?

Because if he doesn't want his things bad enough
to get them himself LIKE AN ADULT,
WHY SHOULD I HOLD ONTO IT?

I literally OWE HIM F*CK ALL.

He owes it to himself to be a f*cking adult, though.
That's for HIM, not me.
BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY SEEN WHAT I CAN'T UNSEE.

Do I care that he ran straight to someone
WHO WANTED HIM TO RUN FROM ME, TO HER?
Do I care about what he does AFTER HE GETS HIS STUFF?

I have my own life to live. Away from this BS.
But gotta love them trying to say I AM THE ONE WHO IS TOXIC.

Do I go leave my things at someone's place?
AFTER THEY TOLD ME AND ASKED ME TO  COME GET IT?
AFTER THEY KICKED ME OUT?
FOR THEM AND EVERYONE ELSE TO DEAL WITH?
BECAUSE I'M TOO IMMATURE TO DEAL WITH IT MYSELF?

When my ex was living with me...
After he punched me in the head, he was too scared to come get his stuff. 

IF I WAS GOING TO DROP HIM,
I WOULD HAVE DROPPED HIM RIGHT AFTER HE PUNCHED ME.

And I didn't even make it a big deal. 
Even though he could have KILLED ME
IF HIS PUNCH LANDED ON MY TEMPLE AND IT WAS VERY CLOSE.

I let it go without even pressing charges. 

So I'm such a threat? Just because I get mad, 
EVEN P*SSED, I don't have to throw down.

It's been a long time since I have, 
but I'm willing to bet that I could do it.

I just never bothered because I can't be bothered.
WHY catch charges over someone's BS?

That's why she wanted to fight me.
Because she wants ME to catch charges over HER sh*t. 
She wanted me to fight her. She wanted to fight me. 
BUT WHY WOULD I FIGHT OVER A GUY?
WHO P*SSES INTO A THERMOS?
WHO CAN'T EVEN FACE ME TO PICK UP HIS OWN THINGS.

Then tries to say that the MATURE thing to do is
to send his brother to come get it for him
WHEN HE IS VERY CAPABLE OF DOING IT HIMSELF. 
AND HAD HE JUST DONE IT HIMSELF, 
IT WOULDN'T STILL BE HERE.

It either matters to him or it doesn't. 
I don't even want to matter to the guy. I used to, but...
It's just ridiculously disgusting and uninteresting to me.
Thinking about the fact that I even liked the guy... 
That version of me makes this version of me SICK.

After I last dated my ex, it took me a long time...
To even CONSIDER dating. 
I knew this guy from when we were kids. 
THOUGHT I COULD TRUST HIM. 
I DID BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD.

Here's a thing about trust. 
JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU CAN TRUST SOMEONE
DOESN'T MEAN YOU ACTUALLY CAN.

The people who've been scared of me...
Never gave them a reason not to trust me. 
JUST BECAUSE I'M MAD, 
DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO LOSE ALL CONTROL
OVER MYSELF. 
MY CONTROL OVER MYSELF IS MY CHOICE. 

Just like everyone's control over themselves, 
(for the most part).

I mean some things about ourselves we can't control. 

Usually, because it still surprises me, if someone is jealous of me
IT'S OVER SOMETHING I CANNOT CONTROL ABOUT MYSELF.

I'm not going to "make myself small"
because someone's intimidated by me, 
or I somehow hurt their pride... 

Maybe people shouldn't be so prideful
that they expect others to make themselves small
FOR THEM TO FEEL COMFORTABLE.

Like I really don't like having to show anyone
HOW STRONG I ACTUALLY AM
1) It's only for me to know.
2) They shouldn't f*ck around because they'll find out.

But even then, they'll blame me for being strong, lol
For standing up for myself, defending myself.

"SHE started it!!!" LOL.
I did? Or did YOU?
Because you can't have it both ways. 

What bugs me is someone doing something
RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
AND SAYS THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

OR JUST SAYS "SORRY."

Sometimes when you "didn't do anything."
The thing you could have done, you didn't do...

Like you could have "listened."
You could have "cared" enough to "listen."
YOU COULD HAVE JUST GOTTEN YOUR THINGS.
YOU COULD HAVE NOT SMASHED MY MIRROR.
YOU COULD HAVE NOT PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD. 
ETC.

A lot of coulds. And probably some shoulds.
BUT NONE OF IT IS MY PROBLEM
BECAUSE I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS SH*T.

I'm 40 f*cking years old...
The sad thing is, SO ARE THEY.

So WHY, AT 40...
ARE THEY ABOUT THIS BS?

Should I be about it because THEY are?
The REAL insanity is that THEY EXPECT ME TO BE!!!

They wanted him to think whatever they wanted him to think.
FOR A REASON. ABOUT ME.
TO MAKE HIM SCARED AND DOUBT ME.

But HOW are you going to DISRESPECT SOMEONE
AND KEEP DISRESPECTING THEM
AND JUST GASLIGHT THEM ABOUT YOUR DISRESPECT
LIKE YOU 'DIDN'T MEAN IT.'

Whoops! Sorry!
It's like a cheater going "whoops! I slipped and fell on a d*ck!"
"But it wasn't my INTENT."
"Sorry!"

Or worse "It was YOUR fault that I did x, y, z."
IT. WAS. A. CHOICE.

It was MY choice what I did or didn't do
about my ex punching me in the head.

It was my choice whether I leveled him, or not.
Or this "girl" who wants to "fight" me.
If she comes to my door, she'll be the one starting it.
I'll be the one finishing it.

I started it by talking to someone I knew
BEFORE THEY EVER MET?

How is ANYTHING about me any of her business?
Like I'm trying to "steal" her "man"?
IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
IT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE, PERIOD. 

Just bugs me people trying to turn my strength against me.
Like I'm "crazy" and I "must" be "up to something"
BECAUSE THEY HAVE THEIR REASONS
FOR DOING THE THINGS THEY DO...

If I had a reason, I'd be going just as hard as they are.
Because I'd have an objective. 
A "reason" to go just as hard. For what though?
TO USE A GUY I NEVER WANTED TO USE?

Sometimes I really think it's something about THIS city. 

Sometimes, even trying to wrap my head around people
WHO TRY TO MAKE ME SEEM LIKE A HEAD CASE
Just makes me want to sleep for a thousand years.

I'm happy I won't be around to see it...
Because since these are the things some people resort to...
And that hasn't changed since I was a KID...

Is humanity EVOLVING? Are people MATURING?
Wtf is even happening?

It's exhausting and I don't have the energy to put forth
TO CORRECT ANYONE WHO NEEDS IT
BECAUSE IT IS FOR THEM TO CORRECT THEMSELVES.

They know what they are doing as they are doing it!
So they can't tell me they don't!

"They know not what they do."
A friend told me this. He quotes the Bible. 
In a sense, they don't. 
Because if they did, they wouldn't. 

Especially things that will likely backfire.
Because karma is real. 

Anyway, I don't know why I write about these things. 
It does bug me a bit, even though it shouldn't. 

"I thought this about you because everyone was saying it."
Just because everyone was saying it...
Doesn't make it true.
And why not just find out for yourself if it's true or not?

And why listen to someone lying to you?
About someone they don't want you to be with?
Because is it THEIR choice?
Who you're with?
What you think of someone else?

And then accuse ME of playing games?

I'M NOT THE ONE RUNNING AWAY
AND REFUSING TO GET MY THINGS
AFTER BEING ASKED BY SOMEONE
WHO'S P*SSED YOU WON'T COME GET THEM.

"If it's about my STUFF, I'll get my brother to do it."
No. It's about YOU getting YOUR OWN STUFF.

BECAUSE WHY IS IT YOUR BROTHER'S PROBLEM
THAT YOU ARE TOO CHICKEN TO GET IT YOURSELF?

And WHY are you still making it MY problem?
I already told YOU that I don't want it here.

If YOU are not welcome here, neither is YOUR stuff.
I didn't have to call him out on his sh*t, but I did.

But he thinks I'm going to physically attack him?
For breaking a mirror?
Calling him out on his sh*t was good enough for me...

BUT HIS EGO WON'T TAKE THE FACT
THAT I'M OVERLY DISGUSTED NOW.
I HAVE BEEN FOR A LONG TIME... 
BECAUSE I'VE GIVEN HIM CHANCES 
TO JUST ACT LIKE A GROWN MAN.

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO RESPECT OR DON'T. 

He says I'm holding his stuff hostage
by MAKING HIM COME GET IT HIMSELF
LIKE HE SHOULD BE MAN ENOUGH TO DO.

"You're holding it hostage by not letting my brother come get it for me."

HOW AM I HOLDING IT HOSTAGE
WHEN IT COULD HAVE BEEN OUT BY NOW?!?!

Like ANYTHING to make ME seem crazy.
"She just wants to 'ambush' you."
"Don't go! She's 'crazy'"
Lies. Manipulation. 

YOU brought it here. YOU take it from here.
Very simple principle. 
AFTER EVERYTHING THAT'S NOT ASKING MUCH.

MORE'S BEEN ASKED OF ME THAN I'VE BEEN ASKING!!!

But it's like... Don't get me confused with someone else.
IF THEY ARE ABOUT THE BS, DOESN'T MEAN I AM. 
I ALREADY 'GOT EVEN' BY CALLING OUT THE BS.

I don't have to 'throw down' or 'gaslight' or 'fight'
Or ANYTHING. YES, I called sh*t out for what it is.
If you called yourself out, there wouldn't be anything to call out.
That's literally it. That's all. 
Nothing CRAZY or COMPLICATED.
If I don't have the energy for any BS
WHY WOULD I HAVE THE ENERGY FOR ANYTHING COMPLICATED?

It'd be nice to have something simple. Bullsh*t free.
Even plain and simple. I don't care for extravagance. Never did.
I wouldn't marry for money. That wouldn't make me happy. 

Not for anyone to MAKE me happy.
I've had my wishes and desires and used to get depressed. 

When I saw people "in love."
Now, I'm just happy for them. 
I look at them as living proof that love actually exists.
That makes me feel slightly better. In a way.
Doesn't make me feel bitter or jealous. 

I have to just let everyone think whatever they want about me.
Let everyone be as wrong as they want about me.
You want to be wrong? Go for it!
2+2=8? You do you!
Want to huff spray paint in the back of the bus?
Well, don't expect the driver to let you stay on the bus...

Because you can't do that sh*t on the bus!
(I've seen this. Can't unsee it.)

Dude who works at the weed store said a guy
got mad at the workers at the store because of this....

At 11pm, it's illegal for them to sell weed. Idk why. It is.
So the guy gets so mad that their system completely shuts down at 11pm.

Guy gets in his TRUCK... AND HE WAITS.
AND HE FOLLOWS THE DUDE TELLING ME THIS
BACK HOME FFS AND TRIED TO HIT HIM WITH HIS TRUCK!
DUDE RIDING HIS BIKE HOME... WTF.

I'm going to the pot luck thing tomorrow. I bought 3 pies,
but I put them in my bag, and when I got home,
one of the pies was sideways.

I brought up an idea to the leader of our group. 
She said we can bring up the idea tomorrow. 


We'll see what the ladies think about it.
If we try to start a knitting program at the recovery centre.
When people are knitting, they're not doing drugs!
Also, it helps with confidence. Having a skill. 

And it helps give a focus other than drugs...
I started coding when I quit drinking, actually. 
I had a bit of a growth streak, too. 
I learned quite a bit.

I tend to learn things when I attend meetings.
But the things some of them say...

YET THEY LIKELY JUDGE ME.
The leader was kind of... I don't know the word. 
Was unexpected I guess. 
But she wanted to know how I know about the center.
SHE WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS A DRUG ADDICT LOL

She was kind of like "I won't judge you."
I knew someone in recovery. 

BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
A CENTER'S A CENTER, Right?

I'd like to think some people are an opportunity away 
from making a change and if someone can help
in some way, we could at least try.

I'll likely not have any more kids.
I wanted to teach my son, but he wasn't ready for it.
He's been like me. But knitting actually taught me patience.
It did give me some confidence, too. 
It has helped me in some ways.

Anyway, I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow.
I don't know why. Not scared about being judged.
More nervous about the reaction. 
I'll tell ya how it goes...

Still stunned that guy tried to hit dude on his bike
with his truck and waited and followed him home...

Like is it worth ALL THAT?
JUST BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL
TO SELL WEED AFTER 11PM.

Blame Trudeau, not the weed dude!

F*CK RAISING TAXES.
JUST SELL WEED 24/7 at 7/11...

I lived at a place that had rooms that had back doors.
It was a rooming house.

There was like a double driveway thing that went around the house.
There were people living there, before.
They had like a "drive thru" to buy weed.
Because you could just pull up and go out the other side.

NOW THAT IT'S LEGAL...
I'd like to know how much in taxes weed's pulling in
since it became legal... Yet they're raising taxes.

They couldn't do a drive thru for weed
because it's illegal to smoke and drive...
A guy I know got his license taken away.
He's in the process of getting it back, but been a few years.

Also, I know a guy who had a breathalyser in his car.
They put it in so you have to blow 0 for the car to start.
I remember going with him the day they removed it.

I was reflecting earlier about mistakes I made.
That they were choices I made - to learn what I had to.
Mistakes are choices.
That's what some people still don't get.
A guy tried to hit him with his truck...
THAT'S A CHOICE.

Because the guy could have let that go, 
AND JUST GONE HOME...

NOT WAITED THERE FOR THE DUDE...
TO FOLLOW HIM HOME...

At least I can say I never did that sh*t.

So if you never did that, which likely you haven't. 
Give yourself credit for that lol.

I just watched a segment where 2 girls wanted to meet
a previous guest... They brought them both on to meet him. 
And the host offered for them all to go out for dinner.

I'm wondering if it'll be a girl fight over the dude lol. 

It reminds me of a show I've watched actually called
THE FIFTH WHEEL. 

Where they have to decide who they want to go on a date with. 
It's like "two" pairs and "one" left out. 

It was kind of like that feeling at the grad party.
Except 3 couples and then me.

That one guy poured me a drink. Just to be nice. 
I had kind of been crushing on him a bit.
I had a boyfriend at the time.
The guy who poured me a drink...
I was helping him out with some notes or whatever.

He was like: "I have a girlfriend."
I was like: "I have a boyfriend. Just was giving you some notes."

One time, I was walking back home...
A cop shouted my name...
Thought my brother had gotten into trouble or something. 

Because I knew I hadn't done anything. 

But, it was him! He'd gotten hired! He got married!
He remembered me. He was saying hello. 
Whenever I saw him, I'd say hello.

Just happy for him that he got hired. He seemed happy. 
It took me a bit to recognize him as a cop.
It was nice that he remembered me. Hope he's been well.

It reminds me of the guy I did some reiki for at the hospital. 
I have to warn everyone that it feels "weird" in "that" area
BUT THAT IT'S NOT S*XUAL. It's just energy.

When I got "there" he was like "I have a girlfriend!"
And before I started I told him
to tell me to stop if it feels uncomfortable.
Before I started.

But he told me to stop, I did... 
BUT the energy got stuck there because I couldn't pass it through for him.
Because it felt too weird for him. 

He was like "How do you get it to stop?!"
I told him he had to pass the energy into his legs.
Because when you get it into your legs, you can pass it into your feet
and through the feet, out through the feet.

I imagine sending it to the center of the earth. 
And it burning, there.

Any "impurities."
Just to push it all the way through, to burn it.

But I don't know about telling my family. 
I haven't told them about my blog. 

I told one friend that when I die, to let it be known. 
I'm fine with them knowing when I'm dead.

They don't know me well enough to know anything about me.
And this is a safe place for me.
I'm not free to speak my mind with most people.

My ex was saying how I'm like night and day.
Compared to how I am offline.

Maybe easier this way than any other.