Dog Rallies

I've been crashing at a friend's place for a bit.
We were both exhausted today so we went for a nap.

The upstairs neighbors have two large dogs. 
I get that they want to give the dogs exercise
Even when it's crap weather to take them outside.

So for the past hour, the dogs have been running back and forth
pretty much right above my head. I can't sleep through that.

My friend's had a lot of supportive people come by to help her out.
Today a lady came over and we both helped my friend with her chores.

We didn't have time to wake up. 
The lady came over assuming we were awake. 

Last night, we stayed up late watching Happy Days.

When I was going through a rough time, 
when I first met my friend, she was helping me through that.
With attempts at distracting me. Sometimes it worked,
but if you know me by now, you know that I ruminate so much.
If I was 'present' with my friend it was a low amount. 
I'd say about 10% present. Which isn't being a good friend.

Now that I'm doing better, I can be more present. 
There are still things I don't like about our "friendship."
Her bossiness drives me bananas. 

It's okay to be asked to do something. 
But being TOLD drives me crazy.

It feels kind of smothering. 
I know she cares and her motherly instincts are in overdrive
because her only child just died a month ago.

But it's hard to just say: "It's okay to mother yourself."
Even my own mother didn't really "mother" me.

My mother's been a "don't do this or that because it's annoying."
Or whatever little power plays she does because she wants control. 

But my mother's not been nurturing, at all. 
I don't even think she has it in her, for that.

I think that's part of why I think I am the way I am. 
It's not that I seek to control others, 
it's more like I want them to control themselves
BY NOT TRYING TO CONTROL ME.

I feel like I get a bad rap for being my mother's daughter
because the way my mother has been and is
and will continue to be...

In their eyes, I "must be" "just like her."
I'm not, but try telling people
WHO DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME
TO FIND OUT FOR THEMSELVES.

Y'know, the ones who assume they already know me...

Most people I "know" think they "know" me, 
but in reality, they don't.

1) They're stuck on the thought that they do
2) They make too many assumptions.
3) When others tell them what to think about me
(they listen -to people who don't know me)
4) People who don't want certain people to get to know me
(Because heaven forbid they actually like me
and might possibly choose me over them).

I wouldn't make anyone choose me over someone else.
But been in enough situations where other girls
were doing that about me.

If you'd rather choose to be with someone else, do it.
I'm not going to hold my breath for you to change your mind
or to meet someone else...

BUT I WON'T ACTIVELY SEEK SOMEONE
TO REPLACE ANYONE ELSE.

I've also had that done to me, many times.

One guy, he ended up finding a girl
WITH THE SAME NAME AS ME
WHO LOOKED SIMILAR TO ME.

Happy for him, but that's just totally weird.

It'd be like me finding a guy with my ex's name
who looked similar to him. Nope.
Why do that? It's weird and creepy.
Plus, how would the replacement feel about
being the replacement?

I don't do that crap. I stay single and work stuff out,
On my own... Then, if I meet someone new, I do. 
If I don't, I don't. 

But all the BS with jealous females, even exes...
(If you're an ex, you don't get to have a say
IN ANY RELATIONSHIP YOUR FORMER PARTNER
GETS INTO).

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.
Because it's your former partner's choice, not yours.

But the BS about trying to break me down
by trying to get him back
BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T TAKE IT
IF HE LIKES ME AND WANTS TO MOVE ON.

She was reading our messages. Our private messages.
Everything I thought was between him and I, wasn't. 

WHO HAS THE TIME FOR THAT KIND OF DRAMA?

It bugs me to give up on something I once wanted, 
but when someone else doesn't want me to have what I wanted...
AND TRY TO WIN AT ALL COSTS,
AND THE GUY DOESN'T SEE IT HAPPENING
AND WON'T LISTEN TO ME
ABOUT SOMEONE PROJECTING THEIR CRAP ONTO ME
JUST BECAUSE THEY WON'T JUST LET US BE TOGETHER
IN ANY KIND OF MEANINGFUL WAY...

It's f*cking exhausting. Which it's meant to be.
TO MAKE ME GIVE UP AND GO AWAY.

I see these types of BS games and I don't play.
So I let them think they won and I "lost"
because if the guy's going to fall for it
AND KEEP FALLING FOR IT,
IT'S NOT A LOSS.

If he's been controlled or conditioned by someone who
JUST WANTS TO CONTROL AND CONDITION THEM...

They don't have the self-respect to tell them NO.
And the power to NOT give them what they want
WHICH IS TO COME IN BETWEEN US...

So after the last time, I threw my hands up.
If someone is THAT jealous, of me being with someone.
TO GO SNOOPING IN OUR MESSAGES ETC.
PROJECTING CRAP TO CAUSE MISCONCEPTIONS ETC.
TO KEEP THEM ON THE FENCE...

But it's THEM deciding to BE ON THE FENCE.
Just because someone's trying to put them there,
doesn't mean they need to be there or stay there.

That's what's aggravating. 
It's that way MANY TIMES.

BUT IF THE GUY CAN'T SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS...
AND THEY WANT TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE
ABOUT ME WHO DON'T WANT ME TO BE WITH HIM...

How much patience am I supposed to have for that?

I've had that happen, too. 
With guys not wanting me to be with someone else.
Because their "chance" would be gone.

So they want me to think certain things about the guy
and try to act like they asked around about the guy...
ON MY BEHALF WHEN I NEVER ASKED THEM TO.

Just to give me enough "dirt" to make me want to "rage quit."
ALL BECAUSE I FELT REAL FEELINGS ABOUT SOMEONE
THAT THEY WANTED ME TO FEEL ABOUT THEM...

And this is like high school sh*t.
It's stupid that it worked back then, but to work NOW?

I can't just stop feeling how I feel about someone
just because someone is jealous 
about how I feel about someone other than them. 

BUT YET SOME GUYS FALL FOR THAT ALL THE TIME.
IT'S DISGUSTING THAT THEY CAN'T SEE IT.

I've had girls straight up want to fight me.
BECAUSE THEY KNEW ABOUT ME
AND THEY WANTED TO "WIN THE GUY."

There're millions of guys.
Why fight over ONE?

But it was less about THE GUY.
Because if it was about him, 
he wouldn't be treated like a possession
who BELONGS TO SOMEONE.
HE'S "TAKEN."
No, more like you don't want him with someone else
because you're so insecure your ego can't take it.

And too immature to "allow" him to be "happy"
with someone who sees him as a PERSON
WHO GETS TO MAKE HIS OWN CHOICES
NO MATTER HOW I FEEL ABOUT THOSE CHOICES
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.