I'm still staying with the friend who's daughter passed.
It's been over a month that she passed, been here close to a week.
I know she really needs someone here with her.
I don't mind that at all. I know those intense feelings.
When I've been grieving, too. It comes in waves.
So I know that even the simple things are fkn hard.
Some things, I don't even know how I'm still functioning.
I feel guilty about wanting time to myself.
I know she needs me, but I don't like certain things.
It bothers her when I tell her something bothers me
AND THEN SHE'LL GIVE AN EXCUSE FOR DOING IT.
INSTEAD OF RESPECTING
THAT THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I DON'T LIKE.
Like the "mothering" thing she does. Firstly, I'm older than her.
Secondly, I can't stand it. I'm not a child.
I let her get away with it because she's going through stuff.
She made some comment about the "mothering" stuff.
I made a comment about how I don't like it.
Then she's like: "I don't care." She'll pretty much do it anyway.
Doesn't care that I DON'T FKN LIKE IT.
ALL THAT MOTHERING STUFF SHE COULD GIVE HERSELF.
Not to complain, it just drives me up a wall.
She's really fkn bossy and I tried telling her this.
WHEN I DID, SHE TOLD ME I HAD A LOT OF SH*T TO LET GO.
Pretty much "Just let me do what I want and let it go."
I really have to BITE MY TONGUE AND KEEP IT PUSHED DOWN.
WHEN I TELL HER I DON'T LIKE SOMETHING
AND THEN SHE'LL GIVE AN EXCUSE LIKE:
"It's nothing personal, I'm like this with everyone."
DON'T HAVE TO WITH ME BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT.
So I've been here since Monday. Almost a week.
Before, I could only stay a few days at a time
BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY CANNOT SEE OR WON'T SEE
THAT PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO
ALL THE FKN TIME!
Especially things like "Make sure you wash your hands first."
LITERALLY RIGHT BEFORE I WAS GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.
I DON'T NEED TO BE TOLD TO WASH MY HANDS!
It's little stuff to her, but it drives me up a fkn wall.
Like I couldn't live with her on a permanent basis.
She's going on a trip next month.
I'll be here to take care of her cats for 2 weeks.
I feel guilty for even wanting to go back home.
Because she's been kind of clinging to me.
I understand she needs emotional support.
And I know she knows I know what it's like.
That's part of why she's been "needing" me.
It's cool to feel wanted, but being needed is quite a bit of pressure.
She says it's easier for her to sleep, just me being here.
I know that feeling.
I know a lot of feelings. I just don't express them much.
To people I know. Frustration, slightly.
It's like 4 categories:
1) People being oblivious to how I feel
2) People knowing how they'd feel
3) People knowing how it'd feel but not caring, at all.
4) People hurting me on purpose
I never understood how anyone would get pleasure out of anyone's pain.
I heard that's called sadism. I just never really understood it.
Why would I inflict pain on someone, knowingly,
AND GET ANY KIND OF PLEASURE OUT OF IT?
I'm the kind of person who cries when I'm happy for someone.
I was watching a clip about a guy who posted a video
of himself playing the piano...
The guy was born with only 3 fingers on one hand
and only one finger on the other hand,
had both his legs amputated...
Uses prosthetic legs for the piano pedals and to walk.
I was choking up because I'm happy he got the recognition.
For his talent. Great personality, that guy, too.
Things haven't been freaking easy for me, either.
Especially the last few days.
Emotionally, I'm getting depleted. I feel it.
Like so much energy I even have at all
and giving it all to someone...
Who I know needs a "friend" at a really hard time of her life...
Of course I'm going to give that support,
but there are times I need to decompress.
I just need the time to do things I ENJOY
AND NOT BE ASKED TO DO EVERYONE FAVORS.
THAT MOST DON'T EVEN FKN APPRECIATE.
I know it's helped her having me here, she told me.
I just need my own space and time for my own things, too.
Like a huge chunk of MY life...
THE PERSON I THOUGHT I KNEW AND TRUSTED
AND HAD A CHILD WITH...
I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT
LET ALONE TALK ABOUT IT.
I'VE ONLY TOLD THE POLICE
WHO WERE FKN USELESS.
AND TOLD ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.
He's probably my closest friend.
I trust him more than most.
I tell my mother anything and she never takes it seriously.
SHE DOESN'T LISTEN AND SHE DOESN'T CARE
UNLESS IT'S ABOUT MONEY OR POT.
I've told my mother about my son's health
and she said "So he says"
like she just refuses to acknowledge him.
She doesn't call him to say happy birthday,
or Merry Christmas or anything.
I've given up having any kind of normal
relationship with her because it just won't happen.
At least I'm an adult now and don't have to live with her.
I used to have a Big Sister from the "program thing"
She would take me out for the weekend,
but when it came time to take me home I'd get so mad.
It took her a long time to figure out why.
It was because I didn't want to go home.
Home never felt like home.
It never felt like a home. It was just somewhere I lived.
I felt I had some sort of obligation to my mother,
but even my son said:
"I don't know why you have anything to do with her."
"She's my mother." Was all I said...
Actually, I said something like:
"I don't have the same kind of love for her that I have for you,
but she's still my mother."
This was years ago, but we had this convo
while getting onto an escalator at the mall.
I remember that.
Grieving anyone isn't easy, but it's a different PAIN
when it's your CHILD.
Every time my son stopped talking to me FOR YEARS
IT WAS LIKE I HAD TO GRIEVE HIM
WHILE HE'S STILL ALIVE.
THAT'S PRETTY HARD, TOO.
Anyway, she helped me with a bout of that.
It's different because her daughter has died.
All the little things like "Who's going to eat my orange freezies?"
They spent the weekend together and she died the very next day.
How hard is that? Death is always hard, but that's hard.
So, as a friend, I'm being a friend.
Even if she drives me crazy, frequently.
But I definitely need to do stuff at my place,
and sleep in my own bed... Do my chores, too.
I've been here for about a week and feels longer,
I don't know why.
Probably because I haven't been doing my stuff.
Doing "together" stuff, not "solo" stuff.
I need my solace, I just do. To be in my own thoughts
and not have anyone trying to manipulate me.
There are some things that I need to be alone to do.
Not "those" things lol
Types of spiritual things and other things.
To be in "my world."
Things I need 100% concentration.
I don't end up getting to 100%, but I need more than 50%.
When I'm with someone who WANTS 100% of me...
ALL moments of EVERY day, I can't.
And it kinda makes me feel guilty.
Because they'd be like: "If they wanted to, they would."
Kind of like today, my friend called and asked her friends
to give me a lift to my place and back here.
I wanted to just walk back but it was "supposed to rain"
But I don't want them to waste the gas to drive me.
And I said that they'd say yes because you asked.
But shouldn't just ask people just because you want them to do something.
Because nobody owes us anything.
Can't just ask for favors all over the place. From everyone.
Just because you want something.
Anyway, some days it feels like I'm on the precipice of something.
I don't know of what, but of something.
Maybe of something little, that leads to something bigger.
Feels better than all the rumination for the past few years.
On something that was a pure waste of time.
I don't like wasting time. Especially on BS.
I'd rather work on my projects, on myself.
Healing from what I've been through...
But helping others heal is hard because they cling.
They need it so much that they'll take as much as you give.
THEN STILL WANT MORE AND MORE.
But at the same time, some people seem to make me hold myself back.
Because they don't want to do anything with their life
and they don't want to see me doing anything with mine...
Especially if I have something they don't
or they don't want me to have...
I was telling a story about something that happened to me.
I met a dude on Facebook. I forget exactly how we met,
but he was going through a divorce because his ex cheated etc.
Anyway, we started a convo and had deeper than regular chats.
He disappeared for a bit, was actually in jail for punching a cop...
So his ex was reading our messages, that were totally platonic.
I was never interested in anything romantic with the guy.
She ended up blocking me on his account. I know it was her
BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T DO THAT, I KNOW.
He had said he had thought about me when he was in jail.
And she probably read TOO MUCH INTO IT.
BECAUSE JEALOUS PEOPLE PUT TOO MUCH ON THINGS.
EVEN WHEN THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
When I was working with a friend, I had my head SHAVED.
HIS GIRLFRIEND FOUND A HAIR IN HER BED
AND WENT NUTS THINKING IT WAS MINE.
I HAD NO HAIR FFS.
Plus, how LOW is it to cheat on a person
IN THEIR OWN BED FFS...
If I wouldn't want that (I don't) why should I do that?
All kinds of stupid things that seem little, too, though...
When they add up, they add up.
Like "I forgot you were here."
The recent one was:
"Go back to drinking, you've got nothing to lose now..."
What kind of BS is that?
Jealous that I don't need alcohol like I used to think I did?
Or trying to push me to do it?
Either way, that's pretty low.
How I've been treated in my life,
just pretty much showed me how I don't have to settle for that sh*t.
So why should or would I?
Haven't I been patient until I can't?
When certain things were easy for them to do?
WITHOUT HESITATION BECAUSE IT BENEFITED THEM...
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO ANYTHING I WANT OR NEED...
WHEN IT'S SOMETHING VERY EASY AND SIMPLE
AND NOT A HUGE ASK.
AND SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE WITH COMMON DECENCY
SHOULDN'T BE MAKING YOU ASK FOR...
I had a conversation today about asking vs assuming.
My friend who gave me a key to her place...
She said, don't just come over when I'm not here, call me first.
We joked about it like I'd be sitting on her couch eating chips
and she'd be thrown off "Oh, hi!"
Or if I just randomly stopped by to use her shower lol
and she comes home to her shower running.
She joked she'd throw her cat at me. She wouldn't.
It was just a funny scenario.
The other night, a sketchy thing we saw.
She lives near a covered parking area.
Someone pulled in there and was aware that we were aware of him.
So we joked about if the guy tried to do anything to us...
She has a lighter that won't light
so we joked "stand still while I light your shirt on fire" lol"
*one year later* still flicking the lighter
to try to get it to actually light.
"wait! Are you trying to set my shirt on fire?!"
"What gave you that idea?" *shifty look*
Anyway, sleep meds are kicking in now.
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