Back Then

Here's some stuff I haven't touched on. 
Either for a while or at all... 

I've had my stints at the hospital, 
times that I've attempted to take myself... Well...

Not any real dainty way of putting it...

The first time I thought about it, I was 8 years old. 
I just didn't want to be here, anymore. 
It was hard being around people who actually didn't care.
Not only did they not care... They were just emotionally void. 
Took me a long time to understand that they couldn't give me, 
emotionally, or otherwise, what they don't have.
If they don't have it in them, then they don't.

That lady who told me "maybe they don't have the capacity."
Whether they do or not, that had nothing to do with me. 
A lot of things don't actually have anything to do with me. 
Sometimes you're collateral damage in a war with themself.

So in my earliest times with depression. It likely started early.
Lots of abuse, emotional, physical, etc.

By people who either didn't know how to teach me
or they didn't know enough to teach me.

Either it wasn't my fault. 
A lot of things I blamed on myself weren't on me at all.

Sometimes I write about this, but mostly I don't...
When I was 12, my mother had the pastor of our church come over
and it was like "let's sit down in the living room" type of thing...
Then my mother told me that my father had died.

And that dream I had a few nights before that.
It was a body being taken out of a house.
Somehow I knew that was him
and got that "I knew this was going to happen" feeling.

The deep depression I've had... The dips and peaks...
The absolute lowest points I've been when I wanted to just d13.
To just end things, like everything... 

WHAT I REALIZED ABOUT THOSE TIMES...
I DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT TO END IT ALL.
I JUST WANTED THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT, BETTER.

But... Here's the thing... ALTHOUGH it's hard to actually
CHANGE THE THINGS TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT, BETTER...

That had to be coming from me.
Because I 'could' keep myself company in the misery etc.
And let it get so deep and suffocating that I'd get stuck in that.

OR... I could use certain things as LEVERAGE
TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THOSE FEELINGS.

I get it, okay. I actually had a gun to my head once.
It belonged to the father of a friend. 
I had actually pulled the trigger.
His father had taken a spring out of the gun
so that it couldn't fire. As a safety thing... 

And other attempts I made after that.
When I was in foster homes and all that bs.

All I wanted was for significant changes...
My circumstances... BUT, I had to make changes.
On the inside so all kinds of things weren't enough
TO EVER SEND ME BACK TO THAT THOUGHT, AGAIN.

EVEN THOUGH MY OWN FATHER
TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT.

Sure, it's the 'easy' way. 
All those inner changes... THAT IS HARD AF.
BUT WORTH ALL THE STRAIN AND PAIN...

Because it's like building internal 'safeguards.'
On different aspects like emotional, mental, spiritual etc.

With those, it makes facing pretty much anything
EVEN REALLY HARD THINGS
EVEN THE FEELINGS THAT ARE OVERWHELING...

That's part of what had to change WITH ME.

Don't get me wrong, there are still some things
THAT ARE REALLY FKN DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.

And I used to 'deal' with things that are hard by drinking. 
IT NEVER SOLVED ANYTHING, BTW.

I couldn't process anything emotionally, even now, that's still pretty hard.
Most people would see how reserved I've become emotionally...
As me not caring, but I can't outwardly really show or express my feelings.
I've kept so much internalized that it's all in my 'private world.'

As an example... There was a case in Ontario
where a little girl was kidnapped and wasn't found alive...

While she was missing, the media did press releases or whatever
with both parents and one parent was criticizing the other parent
for not "crying" or showing "emotional support" for their daughter.

Obviously, the mother had all kinds of emotions going on, inside.
But not openly "expressing" it like "other parents" might.

And often, the cops look at the parents...
But one parent being mad at the other for not showing emotion...
JUST BECAUSE SHE WASN'T SHOWING IT
DOESN'T MEAN SHE WASN'T FEELING IT.

But it's easy to think that if they felt it, they'd show it.
That's not always the case, with very reserved people. 

There are times I felt very intense things and barely showed it.
If I even showed it at all. 

This is mostly because of the things I went through.
And knowing WHAT it was that tripped me up over it.

That's the analogy about the hole.
1) Falling in it, not knowing it's there.
2) Falling in it, knowing it's there.
3) Knowing it's there and not falling in it.

It's kind of like that... In a sense...

But the WHAT is the hole. That's the 'tripwire'
When you know WHAT it is, and can see it...
Then you don't have to fall into it.

In the case I was speaking of... This little girl...
She was taken right from her school.

And you never expect anything like that to happen, 
let alone to you or someone you know...

But HER MOM WAS PROBABLY TOO EXHAUSTED
TO CRY IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS,
TRYING TO KEEP HERSELF COMPOSED
FOR WHATEVER WAS LEFT OF HER SANITY FFS.

But these are the types of things people get judged on, 
in the public eye. Like if they don't 'show appropriate emotions.'
How quick it is to make assumptions based on THAT
and judged based on THOSE assumptions. 

As though her mother didn't care about her missing daughter...
LIKE GET TF OUT OF HERE.
Just because she's not wailing on the ground
inconsollably? 

WHAT IF SHE WAS WAILING ON THE INSIDE?
WHAT IF SHE WAS TORN COMPLETELY ON THE INSIDE?
WHERE NOBODY WAS ALLOWED TO SEE IT?
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD EVERYONE GET TO SEE HER BREAK?
JUST BECAUSE IT'S EXPECTED TO SHOW
THAT YOU'RE BROKEN IF YOU ARE...

But at the same time, I've been CRUSHED... 
Over many things... But did I show it?
YES, AT FIRST... I had my heart on my sleeve.
I was too open. To a degree that I was open in the wrong way.

Open to let people in who didn't need to be let in. 
I trusted the wrong people.

"Let the wrong ones in, kept the right ones out."
How does that go? I think its Aerosmith. That song.

Mostly, it's building a resilience. Emotionally, etc.
Which is hard. It is.
Because it requires going through a lot of rough sh*t.
Not to "get to the other side" of it, but to gain from it.
We can gain from even the hardest experiences.
It's just really hard to see it due to the nature of the experience.

But, the biggest thing I realized about feeling s*icidal...
Was that what I actually wanted, was a profound significant change,
but to also turn it into something good for me that feels good.
Hard to explain. 

As well as realizing that, I realized that it is okay
to give myself things to feel good about.

Even if it starts with tiny things to feel good about. 
Because those actually build and detract from other things. In a good way. 

Welp, getting too tired to string my thoughts together.
Hope you sleep well. Good night.