White Running Shoes

Another knitting meeting today.
I keep my mouth shut on some stuff
and just listen to them talk.
Most of them are old enough to be my mother.
Mostly retired women who are neighbors.
So they all know each other it seems.

Today, the host was saying about the left overs...
I've got a cupcake for each of your husbands.
She was obviously speaking to the other ladies.
Nobody even asked me if I'm married.
I'm not, but nobody asked me.

Not a big deal. Only cupcakes.

When I graduated college there was a grad party.
I was at a table with three of the guys
I went to school with and their dates.
I was the only one without a date.

I don't know why, but there were roses for sale.
The guys got roses for their dates. 
I know it's just a rose or whatever, 
but even having a date would have been nice.

Anyway, just that feeling that I don't like.

So anyway, I've got to move a bunch of stuff
in the next 2 days. I have tonight and all day tomorrow.
Been putting it off this weekend.
1) It's a lot.
2) I have other stuff to do
3) I don't really want to do it

I started at it, at least. 
My back has been sore quite a bit. 
Maybe I need to use my muscles more.

Today, when we were at the knitting meeting, 
a lady was telling a story about a "kid"
who was on stage at the NAC
National Art Center.
wearing white running shoes. 

She was talking about it like it was a disgrace
to wear white running shoes on stage
Especially at the NAC
and how they had to ignore the shoes
to enjoy the show. 
When it was about the show and not the shoes?

It was like when my ex said to me:
"She could have at least brushed her hair."
About the little girl who'd been swimming
before a KIDS' talent show...

Apparently they have a shoe exchange
where people can exchange shoes or something. 
I didn't ask the question about it. 

All I know was that it was connected to the white running shoes.

These are the kinds of things that DO NOT MATTER TO ME.
So I listen to people WHO WANT ME TO AGREE WITH THEM.
ABOUT THE SHOES ABOUT THE HAIR.
ABOUT EVERY LITTLE JUDGEMENTAL THING.

It just bugs me BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT WAY.
All kinds of things that seem to matter so much to some people.
Does it have to? She's ignoring the shoes
but ignoring the reason the shoes bother her.

But it seems that people say these things to me
expecting me to agree with their point of view
or whatever causes them to think the way they do
BUT I DON'T. JUST DON'T. 

I don't know why this just came to mind.
There's a guy that I'm 'friends' with on facebook.
He keeps posting how women want rich men, 
and if you don't have much going for you...

He was giving statistics like 70% of women
want a guy with money
and only 40% of men are college grads or something like that.

When one has nothing to do with the other.
So I was trying to put it to him this way.
I figure 70% could be turned to 75% let's say...

1 quarter FULL or 3 quarters empty?

It's the half-full or half-empty thing.
Just with different measurements. 

Is there something there if it's a quarter full?
Or you just going to say it's 3 quarters empty?

The 1 quarter NGAF ABOUT WHETHER THE GUY
HAS MONEY OR NOT. 

Some women just say F it. That's it. No more.
They get to the point they'd rather be on their own. 
I've been shown over and over and over
WHY it's okay to be on my own. 
I'm more than okay with it. At this point in my life.

I've spent years trying.
To be something someone wanted. 
Until I realized I've got to be something I've wanted.
And that can only really be done in isolation, I find.

The more I've kept to myself, the more I've learned. 
I don't say a whole lot when I talk to people. 
Mostly they don't listen.

They're too busy thinking about wet tangled messy hair.
or thinking about wearing white running shoes on stage.
Or thinking about whatever they think about...

To realize that there's a lot to realize.
Such as: THOSE THINGS DO NOT MATTER.

But I see it everywhere I go. 
People just absorbed in whatever they think about.
THAT THEY ARE USED TO THINKING ABOUT.

That's the thing that clued me in.
I was so used to thinking a certain way about many things. 
I attribute it to being around people who think that way. 

The more time I spent on my own, the more time and SPACE
I HAD TO THINK ABOUT THINGS OTHER THAN THE THINGS
THAT I'VE GOTTEN TOO USED TO THINKING ABOUT
BUT ACTUALLY DON'T MATTER

For some people lockdown was brutal. 
For me, it wasn't so bad. I stay at home a lot anyway. 
It's okay for me to be alone with my thoughts. 
It's better and easier to write about what I'm thinking about
than actually sit there with my thoughts.

But I think it's partly that they don't want to reckon with themselves.
It can take a long time. Some don't ever. Because why? 
It's that I think they'd have to for significant, honest change.

I read something today about shaming others is to avoid
feeling ashamed of ourselves. I was well written. 
I just can't word it the way it was worded or exactly.

It was also about how we prefer to have a good image of ourselves.
Another reason to put the blame on others.

Is that why I get blamed for so much?
Because some people
would rather blame me than be ashamed of themselves?

Did I want to face myself? No. I see traits in myself.
That come out and I'm like "why am I like this?"
"Why am I being this way?"

And I don't get to blame someone else
for the way I'm choosing to be.

SO WHY DO I GET BLAMED 
FOR HOW SOMEONE IS CHOOSING TO BE WITH ME?

Because they can't admit that THEY chose that?
Or the reasons they chose that
without the reason being BLAME on me.
Because THEY made a choice.

So then do I get to make a choice and say
THAT'S YOUR FAULT?

Maybe that depends.
Like when it comes to consequences. 

Rather than admit they're facing consequences
FOR HOW THEY DECIDED TO TREAT ME.
Which is the fact that I withdraw from that
to let them face their karma on their own
because they will. 
Won't have anything to do with me. 
I just know the wheel turns both ways. 
When you think you're on top,
the next, you're on the bottom. 

I've helped people at their bottom. 
Because I'd want that.

But if I don't even get consideration?

Hmm, like being called someone else's name.
Because they weren't even thinking about you.
They were thinking of the person they called you by their name.

The consideration not to do things like that.

So instead of admit there's consequences they'd rather lie.

To make it seem like they're not facing consequences. 
Which aren't harsh at all. It's only me
NOT DEALING WITH THAT ANYMORE.

And just let them lie to everyone
And say whatever they want to say like all the lies are true.
And then can't do anything about it
since everyone thinks it's true.

YET WHEN I TELL THE TRUTH
PEOPLE THINK IT'S A LIE.

Either that or they know it's true
but they don't want to hear it from ME.

Because if the 'stupid' one makes sense, 
it makes THEM look stupid. 
So better make me look stupid instead. 

See why I retreat more and more?
All about this or that, but not about what's supposed to matter.
And I hear stories about white running shoes.
People turn to me to make comments like that
often right in front of them
often they can hear it. 

WHY DO THAT?
CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING OTHER
THAN SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE?
BUT DO THOSE THINGS MATTER?

Does it really matter if he wore white running shoes
On stage? Even at the NAC?

Does it really matter the girl's hair was messy, tangled, wet?

I can't think of any other examples of that to mention, at the moment.
But those two were the ones that came to mind.

I see this kind of thing all the time. 

It took me a while after living with people
WHO ARE EXTREMELY JUDGEMENTAL
To break out of my own habits.

A lot of the time, I think it was
that I was so used to thinking a certain way
because of some people around me, 
but after I got away from those people, 
I just feel like I can just be myself, in my own way. 
Because I don't have to care what they think.

It does bother me people assuming things about me
then judging me based off those assumptions. 

I know I write about that a lot, but it just grinds my gears. 
Because I don't see it happening to many. 
I know that it does happen. 
Just grinds my gears because who are they to assume anything?
Two, it's an assumption, not a fact.
So how can I be judged on that if it's not even fact?
Been judged on LIES and allegations, 

But whenever I speak up about anything...
That BS starts again. So why bother?

Because I still have to do it.
Does it mean the world will change?
Does it mean anything will change?
No, it doesn't mean that. 
It just means I spoke up about it. 

Whenever I've tried defending myself
against all kinds of stuff. Why?
Isn't my truth the defense I need?
I think it has more to do with validation than defense.

So why not just give myself the validation,
the whatever else? Why would I need to be in a relationship
to feel any sense of value?

So why if I never marry?
I used to be so depressed over it, 
but I feel like it's better to be on my own
than end up with someone who I thought I knew
but never knew in the first place.

That can happen. When you think you know someone
And you TRUST them NOT to hurt you...

The crime shows where it's often a partner or spouse. 
There's only one person I trust with my life insurance.
Even if I got into a relationship, I'd still only trust this one person
when it comes to life insurance. 

BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN TRUST HIM NOT TO HURT ME
BECAUSE I KNOW HE NEVER WOULD.

We never dated or anything. 
I'm not his type and pretty much get the vibe he feels bad for me. 
BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT. 
I'M NOT LIKE MOST OTHER PEOPLE
LIKE I 'SHOULD' BE
SO THAT 'MUST' IMPLY CERTAIN THINGS.

It bugs me that people in my life
or have been in my life either barely know me
or don't know me at all, but how could they? 
I'm just an image that they get of me.
That's how it seems. I don't know.

It's been frustrating but if I get upset about it,
I'm just being 'crazy' or just 'mentally ill' 

I appreciate my alone time a lot more than I did. 
Back then, I was chasing that 'dream' I had
of what I thought my life 'should' look like.
And people tend to only want to be around people
WHO ARE JUST LIKE THEM.

And I ought to be fine with the rejections
FOR NOT BEING JUST LIKE THEM
BECAUSE A WHOLE LOT OF CRAP
DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

Like wearing white running shoes on stage at the NAC.
A girl's tangled, wet, messy hair...
So.The.F.What? So what?
What is it even for? To care about THAT
And not care about WHY IT BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH?

I was kind of talking about something along these lines
about doing things to 'fit in.'
About how he did a lot of 'painful' things to 'fit in.'
He wouldn't say what, but the point is
IT MATTERED SO MUCH TO HIM. 
WHY? So he can look down his nose at ME
FOR NOT WANTING THE SAME?
FOR MYSELF?

SO HE CAN TELL EVERYONE
THAT I THINK I'M BETTER THAN EVERYONE
JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT.

But what I'm getting at is NOT WANTING TO BE LIKE THAT
Gets disguised as me thinking I'm better than everyone.
If I thought that, I'd think I knew everything. 
As much as I do know, I don't know everything.

It does bug me being looked at and/or treated like I don't know anything.

I mean, not everything I say is going to make sense to everyone.
The ones who don't even listen are going to think whatever anyway.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ME?
WHERE'S MY SUCCESS STORY?
They literally say this sh*t to my face.
So do I waste my time?

Or do I just say: "Okay, go think whatever you want.
I have things I want to do in my life
THAT DON'T INVOLVE YOU."?

For my goals and stuff like that...
I only have myself to rely on. 
I've been shown over and over and over
WHY I can't rely on the people it'd be cool 
that they were reliable...

But yet come to me when they realize
that I'm the one who was reliable.

Like they miss certain things about me
like being able to rely on me.
Even not to do certain things that aren't cool to do. 
To help out if I can.
But it seems every time I'm doing someone a favor,
it turns out to be a thing for me. 
Sometimes an ordeal because I said yes
WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

There was a book, I forget what it's actually called.
It's something like "Nice to a Fault"
Or "Good to a Fault."

Like you could bend over backwards for someone
and they get used to you going out of your way for them.
If you STOP doing that, they get mad. 
EVEN IF THEY WOULDN'T JUMP A PUDDLE FOR YOU
THEY'LL EXPECT YOU TO SWIM OCEANS FOR THEM. 

Anyway, there are some people who I would help in a heartbeat. 
But like someone once told me "Be careful who you help."

It's a rude awakening when we realize that we don't have the same hearts. 
Some people do actually have hearts of gold, 
but played with enough times, they keep the gold to themselves.

And some others want to just steal the gold and run away.
They want to transfer the gold into currency and spend it on someone else.

They'd rather axe a loving, caring partner who trusted them for years
OVER MONEY
THEY WON'T GET TO EVEN SPEND
BECAUSE THEY'LL GET CAUGHT AND GO TO PRISON. 

I've seen a video where a female was putting bleach in her husband's coffee maker.
He set up a camera after he bought those testing trips and kept doing tests. 
He caught her in the act, on camera and she got attempted murder. 

It's stuff like that. Your loving 'trustworthy' wife...
Putting bleach in your coffee.
And wondering why you're not getting sick
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY TESTED THE COFFEE.
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T TASTE LIKE IT SHOULD.
BUT THAT'S MY WIFE! SHE'D NEVER...

People who were in my life that I thought would never...
Because why would they?
Because why would I?

Why would they if I wouldn't?
But it doesn't work that way.

Another time I saw those loyalty tests
where the guy with the mic doing the videos
asks them if they'd be cool to go through each other's phones.

Once, it was a couple. The dude was in the army. 
He's going through her phone and reads messages
between her and her friend who watches her 'secret child'
whenever her husband is back home from deployment.

Imagine that? You go on deployment
and your WIFE has a BABY and doesn't say anything.
And the whole time you're not supposed to know
because she's been living off YOUR money
made by risking your life, literally. 
TO PAY FOR HER.
AND SHE HAS A BABY BEHIND YOUR BACK.

I like those loyalty tests. 
I have nothing to hide in my phone. 
I know a lot of guys don't want to be with any.
Also, not every guy I know
wants to be with me, so there's that.
I've learned what loyalty means, 
the hard way. 

I'm still thinking about how some people are so focused
ON ALL KINDS OF THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER.
AND THAT'S WHERE THEY PUT ALL THEIR TIME AND ENERGY.
They decide that, over the other things they could have been doing with their time.

Once, I went without the internet for like 6 months.
I listened to music, I read books, I knit and crocheted more. 
It was just something to get used to at first.

When it came to "I want to look this up"
But after that went away, it was fine.
I did get more reading done then than I have for a long time.

Now, I probably spend too much time on the internet. 
Would the 'internet' still 'exist' if the power went out?
I mean the data centers would still hold data
but it couldn't be accessed without electricity.

Someone was saying that there are some chips
that could replace a single data center.
A data center in one chip. Pretty crazy.
So he was saying that these chips
would probably be pretty good to inveat in. 

Someone sent me something about solar flares. 
He sent me a few videos.
It was about "space weather"
and how we're sitting in a danger zone
where the sun could do some freaky stuff
and we'd lose all electrity in the world
and it would set us back so far
because most of us don't know how to live without it. 

And we still take it for granted every day.

But all the things we don't even think about
that requires electricity to function...

Even water treatment plants require electricity.

He was saying how around 90% of people would die, 
because of the things that require electrity...
Can't rely on microwaved meals anymore!
Ruh Roh!

But yeah, most people who live in cities
DON'T KNOW HOW TO CUT IT IN THE WILD.
That's why I got the name Roughcutt.
The joke was that I could rough it, but couldn't cut it. 
Because I couldn't even stand up to go puke
after that bottle that I didn't even get to finish
you should have seen how fast his was gone. 
Those are big bottles. 
I forget how much volume-wise they are. 
But it's not an average beer bottle. 
I'd say like 4 and a half of those regular bottles
if not 5 of those in one of these.

I couldn't stand up after that. 
All I could do was turn my head and puke. 

These are the reasons I'm glad I don't drink anymore. 
There's being drunk and being too drunk
and all the stuff that comes with being drunk etc. 
And being around drunk people...Who fight... 

But the point was that most people would not know
how to survive if electricity went out and we had to fend for ourselves.

Might not be able to get your money out of the bank, even.
Then what? Some know. They have the skills to survive. 
But the majority of us, we don't know what we don't know.

And who do we have to teach us? Public school?
Our parents if we're lucky. 
So many things I wish to impart,
but why should they listen to me?
Where's my success story?

We'll see. Maybe I'm right in the middle of something.  
Maybe I just have to keep pushing myself forward
with my projects in hopes that I 'might' get somewhere.
The big 'might.'
But should I take 'might' over underestimating myself
and automatically saying that I can't and never even try?

Yeah, I could have given up on a lot of things
just to say I can't... Whatever.

Like if I just 'tried' knitting and didn't keep practicing.
I know a lot of people who say that they can't knit. 
I bet they could if they practiced.

It's that knitting requires two needles and there's 4 steps to 1 stitch. 
1) you take the needle in your right hand (if you're right-handed)
2)and you put that needle in the first stitch at the top of the needle in your left.
3)Then you wrap the yarn around the needle, pull that yarn through
becomes the new stitch on the new row.
4)And you pull it off the needle on the left needle
because it's complete.

4 steps for 1 stitch. 

And you have to turn it over to start the next row.
So the needles switch hands. 
Because the right side needle has all the new stitches
from the left needle.
Then the right needle becomes the left needle.

That's for knitting and purling is a backwards knit. 
Anyway, a lot more to it than that, but I think I've rambled on enough.





Some things are really harder than they should be, 
but that's another thing entirely. 

When some people don't have to make something hard
but they choose to make it hard.

Then they try to get you to think it's too hard
when they were making it hard. 

I'll give an example of something. 
I wanted to clean my windows that are small
that can slide out to get cleaned and slide back in. 

Well, I got the windows out and I couldn't get them to go back in.
I could have given up saying "it's too hard"
just because I couldn't figure out
how to get them back in.
Then getting upset with myself because they 'should' go right back in...

I had to realize that the WAY I was trying to put them back in wasn't working. 
I had to try ANOTHER WAY.
I ended up getting them back into place.
But would I have been able to 
IF I KEPT TRYING TO DO IT
THE WAY I WAS TRYING TO DO IT?

No, because that way wasn't working. 

Anyway, I got on here as an excuse to take a break. 
So might as well get back to work on this.
Says every Capricorn ever.