Just Because You Have A Mirror...

I moved as much of it as I could. 
They came today, to spray again. My 7th time.
And tonight, I saw one! 
Hadn't seen any before those two came here.
They brought some with them. 

I guess the treatment wasn't as effective
since I saw one tonight. 
I'm miffed about it.
Because he wouldn't have wanted me to do that. 
To bring them into his place.

I thought he was just going to bring the cat for a bit. 
Like a day or two. 
I didn't think he was going to come down to 'see the cat.'
I'm glad he took the cat back. 
She pounced on me at 6am ffs. 
And kept going at it until I woke up. 
I was so mad I wanted to yeet her.

I know she's just a cat... I generally like them. 
But I don't want to be woken up at 6am by any. 

When I was awake she slept. 
Why couldn't she have just slept when I was sleeping?
Or realized I was sleeping and left me to sleep. 

Anyway, been working more on my other blog. 
I'm not 'working' on this. I just keep adding to it.
I have over 4k posts on this blog.
But over a span of 20 years... 20 years of my life!
And what have I done with it?
What do I have to show for it?
The same as I had 20 years ago?

Well, for some things. 
In some ways, I have some things.
Just not noticeable and nobody will see my inner changes.
If they can't even see 'me' they won't see it.

Should I care that they can't? That they won't?
It speaks to what the lady said about capacity.
When I said that I didn't get why my cousins
just wouldn't pick up the phone and call my Grandmother.
She used to cry to me about it. I got her.
I felt the same way. I know how she felt.
We were close because of that.
Well because of many things, but that was a part of it.

The lady suggested that my cousins might not have that capacity.
Capacity to what though? Care about their grandmother?
Pick up a phone and make a call?
People spend a lot of time on their phones.
So calling once in a while, even, 
shouldn't be a thing. 

I'm surprised I got those 2 calls this month.

I told Mr. "I forgot you were here" that I was surprised he called. 
"Why?" Because how long has it been since you called me?

And how long will it take for him to invite me to see his new place?
Since all his friends have been over to see him. 
He even had a roommate for a while.

All the people he told that he was moving and helped him move...
He said I could help, too, if I wanted to.
But I wasn't even told when everyone else was told.
When all those arrangements were being made.

Why would I want to be the one who 'gets to help, too'
Like a freaking afterthought. 

That's what it's been like, for me. 

But, I have also treated myself like an afterthought.
When all I wanted was to be seen for who I am. 

And understood, finally. 
Because it's not rocket science to figure me out. 
Been as open as I can be on here. 
Even painfully honest.

Shouldn't matter.

What started it all? I don't know.

Just wanting that one elusive thing
until I don't want it anymore. 

Sure, those feelings are nice.
Until that goes away or you realize it was never there.
It was some illusion of what you thought it was, 
but it never was the way you thought it was. 
Then when it's right in your face - Forced to see it.
Forced to accept something that wasn't your choice. 

And when it IS your choice. 
YOU GET TESTED TO SEE WHAT CHOICE YOU'LL MAKE.

Things change when you realize it's a test.
But what would we really learn if we weren't being tested, right?

Would we learn if we passed every test?
Or would we have had to learn TO pass the test.

Kind of like how we need experience to get a job, 
but we need to get the job to have the experience. 

Same works with affiliate marketing.
To request to promote from a vendor, 
we've got to show them we CAN make sales, 
but how do we get to make the sales if we can't be approved?

How can we pass the test if the test is to teach us?
But yeah... How do you get the experience without the job?

That's what I've struggled with. 

The only 2 jobs I had were janitor and security. 
Security was better. Just hated how they scheduled shifts. 
That and the company just sucked overall. 

So once you're like pigeon-holed into 2 options. 
Only have experience in these two jobs...

That's why I'd rather work for myself. 
Getting this online thing started. 
The blog is coming along. 
It's just linking all the pages and posts together, 
optimizing everything.
Doing SEO stuff... Not that I know much about it.
Only some things.
Just a bunch of annoying little things.
All of it is, pretty much.
Except for the writing part.
The rest is really annoying lol.

There was a video a guy made about how there was a line
that was around 4 blocks long for security jobs. 
And they were commenting that like 99.9% of the people in that line
Was from India and the video was made in Canada.

I'm not against immigration. 
It's just that people who are actually from here
are kind of becoming the minority. 

And we take all kinds of people in, by the thousands
and have to accomodate them. 
Yet having a hard time with ourselves.

With the tax hikes and everything getting even more expensive.
I was thinking about how it'd be making 2k/day.
That would be 24k every 2 weeks.
Imagine multiplying that by investing it?
In those chips I mentioned before.

Imagine 48k every month?
That's hard for me to imagine. 
What would that even feel like?
Not to have to worry about money?

Freedom to just buy a condo wherever.
Or live in those AirBnBs or something.
Just travel wherever, whenever.

The ladies in the knitting group talking about their vacations.
It's weird because even when they set up the tea and snacks, 
it looks like an editorial.

And when they take the pictures it has to look 'just so.'

I said I'd help with the website, which I will.


But I'd really like to just get this thing of mine off the ground.
Even just to say that I finally did it. Because I wanted to do it.

If it shows others they can do it, too, cool.
I've been taking inspiration from some people.

It's a weird night. Lightning, no rain. 
Rained earlier and the baby pigeons...
I kept trying to tell them to go into the hut thing to get out of the rain.
There are 3 nests now.
Two of the eggs already hatched and 4 eggs haven't hatched yet. 
There's going to be a swarm by the time I move from here.
They probably have nests on other balconies. 

They were displaced by the construction around the bus station and mall.
That's where the pigeons were living. I'd see them there. A few still.
It started with 2 pigeons. I had a table out there
and they were living inside it.
Then I got rid of the table. I forget why.
Then they left for a couple of years.
When they came back, they made the first nest.

I had brought one of them inside, once. 
I think for only a day or so. 
We watched a movie together haha.
Got a picture of the pigeon sitting on my shoulder.

Then there was one I was taking care of for a while.
We were taking him to the bird sanctuary place
because J**** thought he was sick.
Because he was losing feathers.

It was just a young one malting. 
He was getting agressive with me.

J**** found a pigeon farm for him to go to.
So at least he got to be with a flock!
That's what we wanted for him. 
Because he didn't have a flock.

And he was too tame for the wild. 

These guys are somewhat like pets, but not
because they are still wild so they just come and go.
I've gotta set up better perches, though.
They have one, but it's not flat so they have a hard time standing on it.
I put up a couple of boards and they tried standing on them, but the boards fell.

Just surprised that there are 3 nests now.
Keeping it clean is a challenge, but they are cute so they get to stay.
The little babies are so cute. 
I saw one of the really tiny babies. 
Just probably hatched that day or the day before. 
The size of the egg that was next to him. 

I took selfies with the babies haha.
They looked right in the camera like they knew what it was.

Ever see that picture of the horse photo bombing?
The horse absolutely knew a picture was being taken. 
He was smiling for the picture!

The babies get really scared when I go near them. 
I'm another species for one thing. 
People haven't always been nice to pigeons. 
It's like ingrained in them to fear us. 

But it'd be like us being scared of bears because they are bigger than us.
That's how it is for them. We're scary and have been known to be mean.

Like the time I was feeding berries to the birds.
Seaguls love blueberries. I throw them to them from a distance.
There's a bully one and I purposely feed the other ones.

Anyway, I was there, one day. 
A couple of geese came up to me to get berries.
They brought their little baby with them. 
The baby was so scared and shaking!

But the parents could tell I was okay.
Why would I give them berries if I wasn't?

But the little baby was terrified of me.

I saw a couple of kids chasing the babies
and their father was filming it like it was cute
that his kids were harrassing the baby geese.
Instead of teaching his kids NOT TO DO THAT...
I hope he posted it and someone said something. 
I really wanted to say something. I should have.
But who am I to tell a guy how to raise his kids?
Or how NOT to.

One time, I was on a bus and a kid was standing up on the seat
and he straight up SLAPPED THE GLASSES OFF A GUY'S FACE.
And his mother didn't do anything, didn't say anything. 

Obviously, the guy wanted her to,
but she couldn't even get her brat kid to sit down on the seat.

It got to that point. The kid thinks he can do whatever he wants.
INCLUDING SLAPPING THE GLASSES OFF A GUY'S FACE.

I've seen some really bad behaving kids on film.
The mothers not doing anything or saying anything.
"I can't hit my child..." We no, you can't.
But they have to be taught wrong and right at the very earliest.
So they can self-regulate their own choices.

When my son and I went out anywhere, 
I asked him to tell me what the rules are.
So that he knows that I know that he knows what the rules are.

So I can then say: "You know what they are, because you told me."
That's pretty much all you have to do.
If this, then this. If that, then that.
My son didn't go into tantrums and fits in stores or whatever.
He knew that if he did, we would have to leave IMMEDIATELY
and he would have to go to his room as soon as we got home.

Obviously, now he's older and doesn't live with me.

But I never had the issue of my son wailing and thrashing or whatever.
He just knew better than to do that.
Probably because it would be embarrassing for him if I did that.

Taught him that it's important to think for ourselves.
And not just do what everyone else is doing
just because they are doing it.

My son is like me in so many ways.
I get why he's been angry, but haven't talked to him about it, yet.
I really want to go see him. Even to leave something at his door.
Last time, was on his birthday. I dropped him off some books.
Was hoping to have heard from him on Mother's Day, 
but it wasn't the first one without him.

There's a big chunk of my life
where what I thought was something
turned out to be something else.

It makes me feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
Because the people I thought I knew, thought I could trust...
It leaves a big gap there. Maybe it feels like a gap. 
A huge casm of mixed emotions.

Because all the good memories I had...
Everything changed.

But I have changed too. Maybe despite of it.
Maybe I can only describe it as a gap or a casm
because it's 'contained' but it's between who I was
and who I was forced to become.

In some things I was forced because my hand was forced. 
Nothing I can do about someone else's choices. 
That was their hand to play, not mine. 

What I learned is to keep my cards very close to my chest.
More so now than ever.

Had too many wtf moments in my life. 
Really crazy stuff that I got myself into
because a lot of it has been consequences of my actions and choices.
Not just everyone else's choices. 
I put myself in situations that I didn't have to, but I did.
Whether it was to learn or whatever, I did what I did.

But a lot of people did what they did, too. 
Because of themselves, not neccessarily because of me.
Because of pride and ego, because of lies and manipulation.
Can I fault someone for being manipulated?
Because they could choose not to be?

I've been manipulated a lot. I hate it.
I'd rather be by myself than around someone who manipulates.

A guy I used to hang out with.
He got me a bike because he had this thing about me being too slow.
I enjoy taking my time. Why be in a rush?
The dude took speed like all the time.

Anyway, we were riding bikes and he told me to STOP at the top of the hill.
I wanted to ride my bike down the hill. Because it wasn't a big deal.
HE GOT PISSED AT ME FOR NOT DOING AS HE TOLD ME TO.
Like gtfo with that sh*t. 
Trying to literally control whether I ride my bike down the hill or not. 
Like so what that I wanted to?

He didn't want to ride his bike past a lady's house
who lived down the hill. 
He didn't have to come with me. 
He could have went around the corner and around. 
I didn't care if he did that. His choice.
LIKE IT WAS MY CHOICE TO RIDE DOWN THE HILL.

SO WHO IS HE TO TAKE THE CHOICE AWAY FROM ME?
JUST BECAUSE HE TOLD ME NOT TO?

Then GETS mad at me because he didn't get his way. 
His way was 'making' me do what I was 'told.'
BUT WHO IS HE TO TELL ME? DIRECT ME?
IT'S ONLY A DAMN HILL.
LET ME RIDE DOWN THE HILL IF I WANT TO.
Like can't anyone at least do THAT for me? Just LET me?

Anyway, I don't hang out with him anymore.
The bossiness got to me. I don't like it.
I'd rather be on my own than around people who think
they can just tell me what to do
because they want to.

There was a girl I knew. She was so damn bossy.
Always telling me what to do. 
It finally got to me and I just left and didn't go back.

She got mad at me because she was telling me to do something
THAT I WANTED TO JUST DO MYSELF.
WITHOUT BEING TOLD HOW TO DO IT OR WHATEVER.
JUST LET ME DO IT.
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL TO JUST LET ME DO SOMETHING.

I get that some people see that as them just trying to 'help.'
But it isn't helpful. I like my autonomy. 

We were playing a computer game. She's already played it.
I was still learning it. A puzzle game with a backstory etc. 
So I was doing a puzzle and she already knew how to do it.
So she was telling me how to do it
INSTEAD OF LETTING ME DO IT.
THEN GOT MAD THAT I WANTED TO JUST DO IT MYSELF.

She saw it as helping me to do it. 
I saw it as being told what to do and how to do it.
And there's only so much of that I will just put up with. 
Because the more you put up with something, 
the more you're EXPECTED to put up with it.

But at this point, I'm just done being told what to do. 
By everyone. Unless I specifically ASK how. 
Or ask what to do. 
But I don't need a guru who doesn't even know wtf I know.
They just assume things about me.

If they knew, they wouldn't be telling me what to do.

But, I keep that close tomy chest for a reason.
Maybe to let them call my bluff. 
Then say "welp, you called it. Not me."

Even then, they can think they are right about me all they want.
And so can everyone else. Doesn't bother me. 
Because they expect me to try to clear my name.
From all the BS they brought/bring and were/are about. 
Really, they should be clearing their name.
Don't see them doing it.

My brother said it to me, and I thought of it earlier today.
"Just because you have a mirror doesn't mean you need to shove it in anyone's face."
It also made me think of:
"Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you need to shove it down anyone's throat."

That's what it feels like when someone wants me to join in their judgementality. 
Like they're trying to shove their opinions down my throat.

Imagine being fed that sh*t all your life?
Then you get a glimpse of what life could be like without that?

In politics, in the house of commons. 
Trudeau called Pierre spineless, but Pierre got KICKED OUT
For calling Trudeau's POLICIES wacko.
Specifically the decriminalization of classified narcotics.
Because the drug issue got worse since then. 

There are some countries that people can't even get certain products
LET ALONE DRUGS. 

But Canada is a DEMOCRACY, not a dictatorship.
How democratic is Canada
if we can't VOTE against a damn tax hike?

Then they are investing money into special interest groups. 
TO BUY VOTES BASICALLY.
HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THEIR RIGHTS OR OURS.
IT'S TO BUY VOTES. 

There will probably be an election this year. 
Because there has been a question as to if he'll run again. 
Or if he'll be elected again. 

HE THINKS THROWING MONEY AROUND
WILL GET PEOPLE TO LIKE HIM AGAIN. 

LIKE: "I'M GIVING YOU MONEY SO YOU WILL BE MY FRIEND."
I'm not going to name the group that got the money or how much it was.
Something like a million dollars or more.

But there was a point I was making.
A couple of points.

The point was about the interest group.
They seem to try to shove that whole narrative down people's throats.
Like trying to force people to pretty much comply
with THEIR social norms.

I don't have anything against them, as a group.
People don't need opinions shoved down their throats.
Or lifestyles... Or any of that. 
And they seem to be the only special interest group getting money.
I'm sorry to put it that way. 
I don't have anything against how people want to live, 
but I don't need to be forced to accept whatever.
It's my choice whether I do or not. 

The lifestyle is whatever. Just don't force it on me.

Sorry to say this, too, but that's how I feel about French in Canada.
It is an official language, but it's like bilingualism should be a choice. 
Shouldn't be forced on us and then you go there, 

WHERE'S THE ENGLISH? ANYWHERE? 
Unless you know some French, you're screwed over there.

I agree it's useful. It's great to know both languages.
But you can't force people to LIKE FRENCH.
Or force them to want to speak it,
AND IT IS THEIR CHOICE.

I am glad that I did learn it when I did, 
just to be able to understand what they are saying
WHEN THEY THINK YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

The looks on their faces when you tell them you understand them.
IN THEIR LANGUAGE.
"STUPID ENGLISH GIRL."

The time my boss was talking to my replacement
SAYING HE'LL GIVE HER MORE THAT WHAT HE PAID ME
TO START.

They do this type of sh*t.
If they think you don't understand them, 
they'll say whatever right in front of you.
LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

This is one reason French is useful to know.
And to shock the sh*t out of them when they realize

OUI, JE COMPREND.
POUR QUOIS TU PARLE COME JE NE PEUT PAS?