What To Make Of It

It's been frustrating... Concerning some things I've wrote. 
I've started on the website for the knitting group. 

I got a couple of messages regarding it from the leader.
She was saying that her husband told her that higher resolution images
will load slower than regular resolution images.

Maybe that's why people compress the images?

And then today, she was "warning" me
about the lady I'm to be working with on the site.

"Don't let her boss you about."

That she retired from being "the boss" at a large agency.
And that it shows!

Firstly, who is she to tell me that?
If she's speaking about her like that, how does she speak about me?

That's the thing... When people gossip about others...
Don't be too sure that they won't about you, too.

Is telling me not to let her boss me about kind of bossing me about?
What if I actually get along with the lady?
Maybe she's trying to paint her in a negative light
so that I'll be hesitant to work with her?

These things bother me. I don't know why they do.

Is it my business the lady is retired?
Or that she was a boss at a large agency?

But "Don't let her boss you about."

I've gotten as far as the header and navigation bar.
I don't have access to any of the images or whatever.
Been looking at some animated text.

I'd like to do a one page site so that clicking the links
brings up the assigned section.

And figure out how to make it more interactive.

It'll be a simple site. 
They want to use Google Sites. I'm used to WordPress, 
but using HTML, as long as you can use it, or add it, 
something can be done. 

Maybe I'll get a client or two, who know?

Someone posted on his timeline
that we should be investing in Nvidea
because he claims that ONE chip can replace an entire data center.

One good investment is Bamboo. 
Because it grows faster than anything...
It can be used for all kinds of material... 

What bugged me is that someone I loaned $60 to
Came up on some money but I never hear:
"Hey, A***. You were there for me during x, y, z.
Here's the money you loaned me."

Or even just "Here's the money I owe you."

It bugs me. I don't know why. 
Feeling used and just "forgotten" about.
When it comes to money I never had to loan. 
Let alone consider loaning. 

It just bugs me "I'll pay you back."
Why say you will when if you intended to, 
YOU WOULD JUST HAVE PAID ME BACK.

If I ever come up on a lot of money, 
I won't bother telling anyone
because I DON'T NEED TO BE LOANING MONEY
THAT I'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE BACK.
I'M NOT EVEN A THOUGHT AFTERWARDS.

That's bad enough...
But someone who just "asked to borrow money"
ASKING AGAIN WHEN THEY HAVEN'T EVEN PAID ME BACK.

That's just trying to take advantage at that point. 

I knew someone who kept asking me to borrow money.
She kept asking me because she knew I had it. 
Also because I had let her before so she kept asking.
When I said I didn't want to keep loaning her money, 
She got mad because she would have let me borrow money.

That wasn't the point. I'm not a bank. 
I was so frustrated with this one guy... 
He'd tell me how much he spent on this, that, or the other.
Then when we were together, he wanted me to pay for everything.
DOWN TO MY LAST DOLLAR.

So f*ck that. There's being nice, and there's being used. 

It's hard to walk away from someone you actually care about. 
Especially when they'll try to act like you never cared, at all.
AFTER YOU WALK AWAY FROM THEM TREATING YOU WRONG.

I've put my neck out for some people
WHO NEVER SAW ME, LET ALONE APPRECIATED ME.
So why keep doing that?
Especially financially?

I don't mind being nice. 
It's one thing to choose to be nice
and another to be expected to just be "nice."

And often people take kindness for weakness.

But it's like they only seem to care when you stop being "nice."
Because when they could have been "nice" they chose to play games.

Like choosing to try to use me like a bank.
Until I choose to not let them use me like a bank.

But then they get "mad" because they didn't get what they "want."
And it's my fault that they didn't
BECAUSE I SAID NO.

That goes for a lot of other things, 
not just exclusively about borrowing money.

It goes for other things I've been "expected" 
to just put up with that I shouldn't have to.
Shouldn't have had to, but apparently was expected to. 

But I won't be "nice" just to get kicked around. 
I won't be "nice" just so that people won't say "you never cared about me."
BECAUSE IF THEY HAD CARED ABOUT ME,
THEY WOULD BE NICE, TOO.

NOT JUST PLAY NICE...
NOT JUST PRETEND OR ACT NICE
(FOR ANY 'REASON')

Like I'll be "nice" to her to get what I "want."
The only reason they bother is because they "want" something.

Like when my mother calls me, 
it's because she wants something. 

It's not like "Hey, A*** how are you doing?"
And asking because they care about how I'm doing.

But it's like "Hey, I need $xxx."
Or asking me to do something with literally no care for me.

Did they think "Hey, better pay A*** back as soon as I can.
She might need the money back to take care of her own needs."?

"I better stop asking A*** to buy me stuff. 
ESPECIALLY THINGS I DON'T EVEN NEED."

Or lying to me about what the money's even for.
Because it's for something I won't loan money for?

Do they ask everyone to borrow money?
Or just me? SO THEY CAN JUST GET THE MONEY
WITHOUT FEELING LIKE THEY SHOULD PAY ME BACK?

Maybe they know that certain people they shouldn't ask. 
How do I get on that list?
Say no the first time, probably. 

I was told that I have to learn to say NO more often. 
Because had I just said NO many times, 
then maybe people would get the hint
THAT THEY CAN'T JUST GET WHATEVER THEY WANT.
THAT I WON'T JUST DO WHATEVER  THEY WANT.

No matter what they say about me FOR saying NO.
Because I'm not being "nice."
"I'd do it for you..." Would they, though?
Or are they trying to lay guilt on me for saying NO?

I'm a "bitch" for all kinds of reasons...
Because I didn't give someone what they wanted FROM ME.
But did I get what I wanted FROM THEM?
OR MAYBE I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ENTITLED
TO JUST GET WHATEVER I WANT.

EVEN when what I wanted was just the very basic.
Kind of like "Everyone can use the toilet, but not you."
Pretty basic to want to use the toilet, too?

But it's not about using the toilet. 
It's that when you've been there for someone...
Helping them with a bunch of things
that they clearly don't appreciate that you're helping them with...
When you stop doing it, though... 
YOU GET TURNED INTO THE PROBLEM
BECAUSE YOU STOPPED DOING WHAT YOU DID.

If I really cared, I'd stay and put up with that?
What does saying "I'm not putting up with that"
have anything to do with how much you have cared up to that point?

It's like a slap in the face when it's like:
They only cared because I was doing x, y, z.

When they were around people
who only cared when THEY were doing x, y, z.

AND I NEVER ASKED THEM TO DO X, Y, Z.

Maybe for them to realize
that I wasn't doing what I was doing to get x, y, z.
I WAS DOING IT BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED.

But just because I care, doesn't mean I need to put up with
A BUNCH OF CRAP I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T DO
THE SAME THINGS THEY DID TO ME - TO THEM

Like my so-called friend who ignored me to my face...
AND JOKED ABOUT IT LIKE I WASN'T THERE.
AND TOLD ME HE FORGOT I WAS THERE...

Saying how he couldn't just ignore THEM.
That's how it feels knowing that it wouldn't happen to THEM.

And yes, a lot of the time I'm in my head. 
A lot of the time, I'm observing...
But... Like... Why put me through that?

Same guy who would wait until the last minute to ask you
If he could move in with you
knowing he waited to the last minute and has nowhere to go
knowing that out of the kindness of your heart, you'll say yes...

Don't see him calling me up to ask me how I'm doing.
If I didn't call him, wouldn't hear from him. 
Haven't gotten to see his new place yet, 
after talk of having me over... At some point.

When he was moving, he'd told a bunch of his friends.
And they were all coming to help him move...
But... I could help, too, if I wanted to.
Last to know. Could have told me, too. 
Since everyone else knew and they were already going to help him.
But it's like "you can tag along as an afterthought."

Most people don't get what this is like
because they don't get treated like that.

They have the friends reaching out to them.
They have the gatherings. 
I may as well not have been there since he forgot that I was.

You know what I mean? Or is that just my "perception"
Seriously trying to gaslight me over how something looks. 
No, it looks a lot like what it was.

And then when I said something about it, 
they tried to use it as an excuse to do what they felt like.

Like trying to use that I call someone's BS
as an excuse for more BS.

No, I don't play those games. 
Got better ways to use my time than to play those games.

There was an interrogation video I watched
where the technique was "good cop"/"bad cop"
The "bad cop" storms out of the room saying "I don't play stupid games."
To let "good cop" appeal with his sympathies
about "bad cop."

I'm seen as "bad cop" because they wanted me to be fair, 
LIKE I WAS BEING IN THE BEGINNING.
BUT THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE, WITH ME.

Do you give more and more to someone who doesn't value it?
I mean it's one thing to value the giving, 
but another to also value the giver.

It makes me think of that guy
who was looking for someone to spend his money on...
Be careful who you tell that you even have any money.
Be very wary of people who are only about the money.

Too many cases that it was about life insurance...
 
There is a guy named Wild Bill
who was a hitman who just wanted the property
of the guy he was hired to....

Sometimes it's not even for the money.

There was a case where the person who committed the crime
Is a female who did it all over a car.

When they caught her, the car was being transported, 
and it'd been repainted...

To die over a car...

Another sad one I remember was a guy who was flaunting.
Not that flaunting excuses it, it doesn't. 
Just that because he was flaunting, he got targeted.
Over a watch. 
Three people broke into the guy's house
to steal the watch, the guy ended up st*bbed and he died.

"This is why we can't have nice things."

Also: "Saying no doesn't mean you think you're better than everyone."
Just because they get mad at you for saying no, 
DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID YES.
DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Especially when someone tries to get you to think
that it's your fault for you saying no...

Even when someone lies about you because you said no.
Or because you let go. 
Because you're the "bitch" for doing that.
For not hearing the phone ring
because I was in the shower
like I was ignoring them or not home
like I said that I would be (I was)...

Or I'm the "bitch" because I don't want to be 
DOING MY JOB when someone who isn't doing THEIRS
"isn't doing theirs" right in my face.

Then I'm the one getting attacked by several angles.
FOR SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

When they would be saying something about it
If I was the one doing that to them. 

If they were working, doing their job, 
and I wasn't doing mine, right in their face...

If I was at a "friend's" house, who'd been there for me
While I was going through pretty hard times...
And my friend was bothered about my could not care less attitude...
And they say something about my crappy attitude
And I pick up THEIR baseball bat and smashed 
THEIR FAMILY HEIRLOOM WITH IT...

I'd pretty much expect to be YEETED.
AND I COULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF I DID.

Then on top of it, tried to make it about something it wasn't. 
When it was about YOU WOULDN'T DO IT TO THEM.

Because they wouldn't do that to someone they respected.
They would have just treated their friend
like "I appreciate what you're doing for me."
Everything wouldn't have been the way it was with me
Because "I can't do that to THEM."

Then tell me that I was the one
NOT TREATING HIM LIKE AN EQUAL.
I was the one who "lost control" when nope.
Pretty sure I didn't. 
Afraid of what I might do...
WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING.
IF I WAS GOING TO, YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE?

GEE, WHY DIDN'T I?
Probably because I do have control over myself
despite what anyone thinks I might do.

Also, why would I? I actually cared.
If my intentions were pure, from the start, which they were...
Then why would I?

To try to make me seem like my intentions
weren't my intentions?
Since everyone can assume what I might do....
And assume any reason I had
for doing anything I did
Or whatever else....

Would it matter what I do or why I do it?
If people were going to assume why?

It sucks when someone thinks the worst of you
and treats you like they think the worst of you.

Because they think the worst of you is true...
Because other people told them what they think
so they jump onto what they think...

How, then, do you say: what you think of me's not true...?
When they already believe it is true.
Kind of like the  mob mentality about that lady
who got accused of doing something she didn't do
and a mob attacked her and k*lled her.

The mob believed it was true
So it wouldn't have mattered what she said, at the time. 

Sort of like witches... "She's a witch!"
"No I'm not!"
"That's just what a witch would say."    

But beliefs... People have k*lled over them. 
And over false beliefs.

"We thought..." THOUGHT.
Does it matter what they thought
when what they thought isn't true?