Intimidation

I've been told that I can be intimidating. 
Am I intimidating? Or are they intimidated?

I do have some inner strength. I've had to use it, continuously.

But at the same time, I feel like I have to hide who I am.
Or people get 'intimidated' and assume... 
Like my strengths don't mean that other people's weaknesses
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

They assume what I think of myself because I have strengths?

It's not like "Look how powerful I am."
It's like "If I can level up, so can you." 

But when I show anyone something they don't like. 
Or don't want to see...
I'm the one showing it to them... 

Again, it goes back to something my brother said once:
"Just because you have a mirror doesn't mean
that you have to shove it in anyone's face."

It's up to them to look at themselves, right?
Just like it was up to me to look at myself. 
Doesn't mean it is pretty. That's why most people don't want to. 

If they really had to look at themselves...
WHAT WOULD THEY SEE?

I've been struggling with what I've seen of myself.
Had I just kept living like I didn't need to do it, 
Would I have made any changes? Probably not. 
Because 'what would I need to if I don't look at myself'?

Sometimes it's the depth that bothers people. 
Like there's more to people than meets the eye...
People can look at me one way, and I'm not even that, at all. 
But don't f*ck me around, in my face
AND EXPECT ME TO BE COOL WITH IT.

Even when I'm not cool with something, 
I STILL HAVE CONTROL OVER MYSELF
(for the most part).

But I've had people who were intimidated by me
invent reasons they had concerns about me.
To try to make me seem some type of way. 

I've had this happen. Straight up lies.

But can't come to me, after the fact, 
and try to act like they were never a part of it. 

Like it was all me, the whole time. 
Not people trying to provoke a reaction from me.
By trying to make me seem something I'm not. 
That would be frustrating, aggravating, to anyone. 

Just because my energy is intense. Yes, it is. 
But just because it is, doesn't mean that I'm whatever
anyone accuses me of being. 

I'm just on the "don't f*ck around and find out"
because if I go there...
Which is where many people have wanted me to go
to try to get me to compromise myself. 
To try to justify how they come at me. 

Is it my fault if I don't want to use the gate if I can go around it?
Is it my fault that I don't want to follow "the crowd"?
A bunch of people following each other.
Why would I want to? For the sake of "belonging"?
For the sake of "fitting in"?
Is that why they want to? Doesn't matter to me.

It used to, sometimes, but those things weren't for me. 
I figured that out. The longest detour. I don't recommend it.

But just because someone gets the wrong idea about me
DOESN'T MEAN THEY CAN JUST TRY TO DO ME LIKE THAT.
Then blame ME for being 'intimidating'?
Why? Because I tell the truth?
Because my 'energy' is intense?

The thing is, now that I know I can do certain things. 
With my own energy, and can see it, sometimes, 
it's like I can concentrate it so it would be intense.

When I get miffed, it's not for no reason. 

But, in a way, it's me choosing to get miffed. 
To the degree I get miffed.
When people who never had to lie to me, lie to me...
When they try to act like it was because I "might" do something...

I'm not like the one who'd hit me for saying I didn't know.
I don't have any reason to take it to any lengths.
Any reason would just be an 'excuse'
And I've learned that I can't just excuse sh*t. 

Despite being around many people who still think that they can. 
They have before, so why wouldn't they keep doing it?
Just because I did certain things before,
doesn't mean I have to keep doing it.
Doesn't mean I had to do it, at all. 

Since I didn't have to, and chose to, 
it was something I chose despite any 'reason' 
or excuse I gave myself to do it.

I hope that makes sense.

That goes for impulsive things I felt like doing
and gave myself an excuse for doing. Mostly in my teens...
Bad habits can be hard to break... But besides the point.
Doesn't mean I needed to do it just because I felt like it.

You know how many things I felt like doing that I wish I didn't?
But can I change any of it?
No, but I can change because of it.
Could I have changed without it? Yes.

Someone asked me a question about something I did
and how I thought I had to understand why I did it in the first place
to know why I shouldn't do it.
Instead of just knowing that I shouldn't. 

Something like that. 

Should I 'intimidate' people?
When all I'm doing is telling the truth?
Why should that make me 'intimidating'?
Why can't I just tell the truth? Can't they?
"They can use the toilet, but not you."

Is it because I know what I want and what I don't?

Someone said my strength was emasculating. 
KNOWING WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T
Isn't about anyone's masculinity.

Maybe how they feel about it...
But nothing about it is about that.

BEING STRAIGHT UP, FED UP...
Isn't about anyone's masculinity. 

It means I'm being straight up and I'm fed up.
How many chances do people want?
To keep doing the same things? 
And sometimes for people who've been jealous of me.
Because why see me as a 'threat'?

Why play those games? Why any of it?
Unless there was a point to it...

Why would a friend ignore me to my face?
Can't do it to THEM, though.

But it's like they KNOW what I would want
THE SAME AS THEY WOULD WANT.
So then why is it cool to do it to me?

Like I could have put that teacher on blast
in front of the whole class, but did I?

I could have put many people on blast, 
but did I?

WHY? Because it often blows up in my face. 
Like getting set up to fail.

Two, because...
They won't look at themselves if they don't want to.
But sometimes, they get to see themselves
whether they want to see themselves or not. 

But I did address it, privately. 
I'd rather people address themselves. All of it. 
SO THEY DON'T DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Because why just to me?
Why not anyone else in my class?

That doctor, the one who retired... 
She was trying to push anti-depressants on me. 
She asked "Do you enjoy being depressed?"
Why even ask me that?

"Because if you don't enjoy it... Take these pills."
Does taking pills change anything I've been depressed about?
Do they make doctors magically stop asking questions like that?
Do they make anyone realize they shouldn't treat me like that?
Would they with anyone else?
Would they ask anyone else if they enjoyed it?
Because what would THEY think about even being asked that?
Can't ask THEM that.

It's not my perspective or perception on that.
People literally say these things to my face.

If it was me saying it...
If I was the DOCTOR and asked a patient 
IF THEY ENJOYED BEING DEPRESSED.

If I was the COP and asked someone
IF THEY'D BEEN DRINKING...
when it has nothing to do with anything. 
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LOSING THEIR PATIENCE
DOESN'T MEAN THEY'D BEEN DRINKING. 

But if I was the one asking... It'd be very different. 
Because how dare I ask that?
How dare they? But they do. They have.

But if I were to speak up about any of it,  
I 'might' lose my sh*t and be 'dangerous.'
FOR SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Just because I 'might' never meant I would. 
Since it's not what I would do, how am I 'dangerous'?

When other people literally do things
THAT HAD I DONE, IT'D BE OVER FOR ME.
NO QUESTIONS ASKED, PERIOD. 

And I'm wrong for speaking on it...
Because where's my success story?
Why should they listen to me?

Should I go around asking everyone where their success story is?
And use it as an excuse not to listen to them?
And then blame them for it.

So why bother to say anything at all?

Because when I am where I want to be...
THEN they will want to listen to me?

But watch...
I only got there because I supposedly think I'm better than everyone...

Why? Because I have goals other people don't?
They can have their own goals...
Why does it have to be an issue that I have goals?