Weird Dreams Yet Again

I've just been working on my website. 
Tried to log into it today, to continue working, 
but there was some error with the site.
Tried logging into the site for my web hosting...
Couldn't even pull up the hosting's site...

I know it's not my computer because I can log in here.

Hasn't been for a long time, 
but I remember some of my dreams from last night.

In my dream, I went to stay with a friend
because I had nowhere to go.

In the dream, he was dating an ex of a mutual friend. 
She kept getting jealous of me and wanted me gone.

Even though I was staying with him, 
for whatever reason, (it was a dream) his place looked like mine.
And I was waking up on my bed to him giving me a box of chocolate.

(I have actually sent him a box of chocolate, once).
Just as a surprise. 

Anyway, in the dream, his girlfriend got mad
that he'd given me the chocolate. 
To either of us, it wasn't anything attached to it. 
It was just like "here's some chocolate."

The "next day" in my dream...
He broke up with her for being jealous of me for no reason. 
After they broke up, he told me about secret feelings etc. 
IT WAS A DREAM.
I doubt extremely highly he feels anything for me at all.

It's literally been so bad that I've had:
"I've only been your 'friend' because I feel bad for you."
Someone literally pretended to be my 'friend'
because they assumed enough about me
TO THE POINT THEY FELT BAD FOR ME.

Do you know how much time I wasted
trying to be A GOOD FRIEND TO SOMEONE
WHO PRETENDED TO BE MY FRIEND OUT OF 'PITY'?

Of course, I can "feel" when something's not right.
But you never expect the thing that's not right to be that.

Why do some people think they need to feel bad for me
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FIT INTO THINGS
THAT I ALREADY KNOW ARE BS?

If a whole crowd wants to throw their lives away
just to belong with each other... 
Does that mean I must think I'm bettter
for not wanting to be in that crowd?

Just because there are certain things
that I used to accept and I was forced to accept
BECAUSE I WAS EXPECTED TO.

But AFTER I said "NO"
I'm the b*tch for not accepting
what I was supposed to just accept from everyone.
Just because that's what they wanted from me, 
doesn't mean they get to get it, anymore.

I don't care if it makes me seem like I never cared. 
BECAUSE WHEN I DID, DID THEY?

OR DID THEY THINK THEY COULD DO WHAT THEY WANT
BUT HOW DARE I IF I DO?

Yesterday, my so-called friend...
The guy who straight up told me TO MY FACE 
that he FOROT I WAS THERE...

He called me. First time he called in probably over a year.
So it was a surprise to me. 
Then he was like "We'll have to get you out here..."
TO HIS NEW PLACE HE'S BEEN AT FOR A LONG TIME NOW...

Anyway, we're talking and all of a sudden I hear someone in the background. 
So I asked about it and he was saying how his friend was there.
So after he got distracted with his friend
started talking with him, 
IGNORING ME ON OUR CALL.
I just said "I'm busy, but thanks for calling."

Like ALMOST got your attention on MY call. 
But it's like a slap when he's already had his friends there.
HE HAD SOMEONE RIGHT THERE
HE WAS TALKING TO, HE GOT DISTRACTED WITH.
SO WHY BOTHER CALLING ME?

Just to rub in the fact that you haven't had me over YET?

Even when I told the guy I was actually surprised he called me. 
He even asked me why I'd be surprised...

BECAUSE HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?
BECAUSE IT WASN'T HARD TO, BECAUSE HE JUST DID IT.
SO WHY WAS IT SO HARD FOR ALL THAT TIME?

But maybe the one who gets outcasted and then treated like an afterthought...
Why call then? Because you felt bad?
About all the sh*tty ways I've been treated by people?
INCLUDING BY THEM?

Because it wouldn't take years or months.
Should it? To show a 'friend' they MATTER TO YOU?
TO ACTUALLY SHOW THEM?

So why am I the one reaching out 99.99% of the time?
And why do they seem to only reach out
OUT OF GUILT OR PITY?

To show a friend who was actually THERE FOR YOU.
WHO ACTUALLY HAD YOUR BACK
THAT THEY MATTER TO YOU...

You'd think that would just... They'd just...
IF YOU MATTERED...

Then show you and rub it in your face
THAT THEY MATTER MORE
BECAUSE CAN'T IGNORE THEM...

You can't pretend like you're just chilling
BY YOURSELF, AT HOME
AND JUST THOUGHT OF ME
AND JUST CALLED ME...

LIKE YOU DIDN'T FEEL BAD
THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY CHILLING WITH SOMEONE ELSE
AND YOU COULD HAVE INVITED ME
BUT YOU DIDN'T

But it's like "can't ignore them"
EVEN WHEN I'M ON THE PHONE WITH YOU.

Anyway, some dreams I've had were weird...
One was where I was on a boat with some people
and then a "sink hole" opened underwater somehow, 
very close to us, it was kind of trying to suck our boats into it.

And one of the guys on the other boats
was waiting for the harbor master to instruct
like "Tell us what we should do... Dangerous situation."
He was telling me the harbor master told him to ignore it.

TO IGNORE THE SINKHOLE TRYING TO SUCK US INTO IT.

This part I'm about to write about is pretty freaky.
I was talking to a guy online, a long way back. 

For whatever reason, after we were talking one night...
I had a dream about him. I knew it was him
because of his energy, not that I'd ever actually even seen him.

In the dream, I was supposed to go meet him at a cabin.
And when I got there, there was another girl there. 
And I was so mad because it was like
"You're trying to rub it in my face..." Felt lied to etc.

There's a certain part of the dream.
Where I opened a door and he was right on the other side of the door. 
He was trying to explain something to me. 
I was still so mad that I slammed the door in his face.

Either the next day or a day after I told him
that I had a dream about him.

He was like "did it involve a cabin"?
I told him it did. But that part shocked me...

He then said... "I was trying to explain to you
that the other girl was just a manifestation, not real."

What really shocked me was "you didn't have to slam the door in my face."
BECAUSE 100% IT WAS A DREAM.
How he'd known any of the details...
Let alone that specific one.

And he's right. I didn't have to slam the door in his face.
I've done a lot of things in dreams out of anger. 
I wake up thankful it was a dream.

But knowing that there's no way I would act that way in real life. 

There was another dream where I was staying overnight
at someone's place and we were going to see his parents the next day. 
I'd never been to his parents' place before. 
You know the black and white "checkerboard" pattern of tiles?
In my dream, the floor looked like that.

WHEN WE GOT THERE, THEIR FLOOR
WAS THE WAY I SAW IT IN MY DREAM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

One that bothered me, I kept picking up on something. 
It wasn't really a dream because I was still sort of sleeping, 
but I was waking out of other dreams.

It was a teacher "distracted with something"
had like 6 kids and 4 of them got into something and died.
I don't know any details other than that.
It's probably nothing.
 
It was a really heavy feeling (that I've already felt many times).
Feeling like I was in the wrong when it wasn't about me.
Maybe feeling how it would feel if I was in the wrong
and if it'd been me who did that.
How I'd feel if I had done it.

I don't know how to put it, 
but I'd rather feel how I would feel if I had done something
over how I feel about things I've done.
Things I didn't have to do.
"You didn't have to slam the door in my face."

I can say a bunch of things others didn't have to do
when it comes to me.

I don't like the way it feels that they wouldn't have done it to THEM.
I get that from the other side, too. 
Why did I feel justified to slam a door in his face?
Just because I was angry and I felt disrespected?
So it was okay to just do that?
He's right. I didn't have to.

It was really spooky that he knew the details.
How would he know if he wasn't there?
He was the first one I even told about it.

Sometimes I wonder if I show up in other people's dreams.
Did he show up in mine? Or did I show up in his?
Or were we supposed to have that conversation
that I refused to have because even in dreams we can have free will.
Because I didn't have to slam the door in his face. 
I could have just listened to him

BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN.
THE ONLY WAY HE COULD JUST APPEAR
WAS TO PUT US WHERE I HAD THE CHOICE
TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.
BUT I WAS SO MAD THAT I SLAMMED IT IN HIS FACE.

How is it that we can actually be so connected
that I tapped into something that happened in another country?
That the guy knew details about the dream I had about him?
That I've acquired knowledge about a crime
that was committed at that location that I hadn't heard about? 
A few times... It scares me. 

I could have just listened to the guy.
Maybe he would have explained some things
that I'd met him for him to tell me... Possibly.
I could have walked through the door. Did I?
But I could have.

When that comes up, it does make me wonder
about what he wanted to explain to me.
Other than about the other girl... 
Because there could have been a whole lot more
had I chosen to walk through that door.
How was I to know? But had I considered it?

Maybe this is why I try to explain certain things the best I can.
Often I feel like some things only make sense to me
or maybe not explaining to others in a way they understand. 

Or maybe they're too busy slamming the door in my face
to walk through it and actually listen to me.

Even when I'm right, though, how dare I even say it!

Then people who took me through the most BS
just expecting another chance...
LIKE I COULD HAVE STOPPED BEING HIS FRIEND
THAT NIGHT.
THE NIGHT HE FORGOT I WAS THERE.

People just assume that just because I've been there...
They can just "forget" I'm there because... "can't ignore THEM."
Can start talking to someone else when you're on the phone with me.

What'll he say? "I forgot I was on the phone with you"?
So I'd rather be alone than put up with anything like that.

That's why I just took it upon myself to end the call. 
To focus on something that I want to do for myself. 
I'm the only one who does and probably ever will do
the things that I do for myself.

The problems I've seen is people getting mad at me
for doing those things for myself. 

THEY COULD DO THOSE THINGS FOR THEMSELVES, TOO.

It just sort of ties back to how some people
can't just be happy for someone else.

The other thing is that I don't want to be expected
to just rely on someone (who isn't reliable) for anything
let alone what I can do for myself. 

Not only unreliable, but only reliable for the things
that have been consistently shown to me.

BUT RIGHT UP IN MY FACE.

Can only rely on them for THAT. That's it. 
That's all they've shown to me. 
More than once. 

But what am I supposed to be expected to rely on them for?
Except for what I've just mentioned...
And how does that benefit me?

Then only think of me when it comes to little things about me
THAT THEY COULD HAVE JUST APPRECIATED
WHEN THEY HAD ME THERE.

"I forgot you were here." Is a slap in more ways than one.
Kind of like a clip I saw where an octopus straight up
slapped a kayaker in the face, but it kind of spun
to get the guy with multiple tentacles.
Like a 'round-kick' but octopus style...
It happened so fast, too, that they slowed it down...

It's a funny clip, but as an analogy... I don't know.
The rough part is knowing that they KNOW they are doing it.

Because when I brought it up that I was surprised he called...
When I told him why I was surprised, he goes "I know."
THEN WHY TRY TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE SURPRISED
THAT I'M SURPRISED?

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW?

What kind of capacity do they think I have?
Just because I trusted them not to do to me
what I wouldn't have done to them
that they wouldn't do to others
WHO MATTER TO THEM.

I trusted them not to so because of that
I somehow deserve all that sh*t?
WHEN I'VE BEEN SOLID FROM THE START?

THEN try to act like I never was...

But while I was THERE "forgot you were here."
TO MY FACE.


But why call me as an afterthought while hanging out with someone else?
And then, again, get so distracted that I get "forgotten" about...
EVEN WHEN I'M RIGHT THERE.

I'd be nice to be "remembered" while you're RIGHT THERE.
AND TO REALIZE THAT IT SHOULDN'T BE
"I CAN'T IGNORE "THEM""
TO SOMEONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INCLUDED.
AND NOT AS A DEFAULT.

Anyway, these are feelings I've kept to myself for so long.
These are reasons that it bothers me less and less to be alone.
Because at least I have the time to work on myself
and to work towards the goals that I have.

These are the things I've noticed more and more with a lot of people.
THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE MYSELF
BECAUSE THAT MAKES XYZ SEEM THE CASE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Nothing about me has to do with anyone else.
If certain things about me make others feel a type of way about themselves
Is it my fault about those things?

SO THEN, WHY SHOULDN'T I JUST BE ALLOWED
TO BE MYSELF?
OR EVEN COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO?

BECAUSE WHEN I DO... I LET SOMEONE IN...
THEY FORGET I'M THERE.

But what bugs me is ignoring me to my face
and then like trying to say I'm trying to cop an attitude about it

WHEN THEY KNOW
IT WOULDN'T BE COOL OF ME TO DO IT TO THEM.

But instead of feeling a type of way about it, or showing it, 
or even trying to EXPLAN WHY I MIGHT BE UPSET ABOUT IT
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.

Like being the one who doesn't get to be in the pictures. 
Ask any of my friends how many, if any, pictures they have of me, 
let alone any with the both of us..

It's not about being in the pictures...
Maybe it's the look on my face when I'm thinking about things
like the things that bother me.
LIKE BEING INVITED
JUST TO BE SINGLED OUT.

That kind of sh*t.

Knowing that others are just invited
because THEY MATTER.

It's just weird. Being singled out. 
But invited JUST TO BE SINGLED OUT?
Why invite me at all?

BUT TRYING TO PLAY
ON KNOWING THAT ALL I WANTED
FROM THE START WAS TO BE INCLUDED
AND USING IT AGAINST ME.

Like it's my fault that they could have included me.
But often, invitations... I often get a feeling like it's a set up.

Especially after anyone else has an OPEN INVITATION.
Because why restrict them? Why ignore them?

It's not that I feel entitled. I know I'm not. 
It's just seeing the stark comparison over and over.
LIKE HE'S HAD SO MANY PEOPLE OVER TO HIS PLACE
AND HAD SOMEONE OVER AS HE SPOKE TO ME
ABOUT HAVING ME UP THERE, SOMETIME.

It was easier to see him when he was around the corner, 
and thought after helping him out, that he'd at least "remember" I was there.
After a lot of things...

But how is it good for my mental health having "friends"
WHO FORGET I'M THERE?

Am I supposed to just laugh it off? Hee Hee Ha Ha?
As though they didn't say it to my face?
WOULD THEY SAY THOSE THINGS TO OTHERS
WHO MATTER TO THEM?

It took me a long time to even start feeling like I matter to myself
but it supposedly means I must think I'm better than everyone.
Just because I'm starting to matter to myself. 
So when you start mattering to yourself you realize
that you have a certain responsibility 
to focus on yourself, go for certain things you'd like to do.

If people wanted you to be sticking around just to have you around
and you show them you can be good on your own
WITH OR WITHOUT THEM...
They don't get to be upset about what you decide about it.

They can't be mad at me for saying "I'd rather be alone than that."
Why should I make time for that?

When I distance myself to rebuild myself or whatever I've gotta do...
THEN THEY GET CURIOUS. "What are you up to A***?"
When I've had to do it all on my own...
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST BEEN THERE...
BECAUSE I WAS THERE.

After they DISMISS IT AND DISMISS ME.
Did they have to? Did they have to disregard me?
Did they have to disrespect me?
Just like I didn't have to slam the door in his face.

Should I just accept everyone's excuses for not doing something
that they could have done. Or just say "No more excuses"?
I shouldn't have to tell people how to treat me. 
Should they have to tell me how they want me to treat them?
Or should I already know
that certain things aren't cool to do?
Because pretty sure I should already know that.
Since I'm sure on that, pretty sure others should know, too.

That's why I point things out. 
BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE COOL.

Like saying "I should have you out to my place"
WHILE YOU HAVE SOMEONE AT YOUR PLACE.

And talking to them
WHILE ON A CALL WITH ME.

Then I just get that AND excuses for it?
Like: "I can treat myself like crap and give myself excuses"
So why do I need yours?

It's not that I expect to be "top thought" on anyone's mind.
Or even want to be.

But being treated like that's why I expect
so why go out of their way for me?
EVEN AFTER I WENT OUT OF MY WAY FOR THEM.

Didn't do it to be "top thought." 

But remember the times I did go out of my way.
And remember why, if you even think about it.

But supposedly I'm the one who never cared. 
And supposedly I did everything to be "fake."
When it's actually the other way around
because supposedly some people straight up told me
they were only hanging around with me
because they felt bad for me
EVEN THOUGH I WAS HELPING THEM
AND THEY WERE JUST TAKING ME FOR GRANTED
TO THE POINT THEY THOUGHT
THEY HAD TO FEEL BAD FOR ME.

So who was the one being fake?
When I was the one going out of my way?
Every damn time? In many ways?

But when I'm doing something
with or without them and they see me doing better than I was...
That's when they'll want to know what's going on.
Did they care when it was an open invitation from me?

Or did they just expect me to do all the work?
I'm expected to be the "nice loving giver"
who's been generous when it comes to the chances I've given. 
I guess so much so that it's just expected of me.

And then when I do, it's thrown back in my face
AS THOUGH I NEVER TRIED AT ALL.

So it's like: Do the work and get treated like it's not enough
and doesn't even matter if I'm there or not.
Or go it alone, but it's like it when I do it,
I don't care about anything supposedly. 

Do I really have a choice?
Either stay and get treated like that.
Or go and get treated like that.

Anyone going out of their way for me?
Not that I expect them to. It's not about that.
It's more like being thought so little of
THAT I DON'T GET AN INVITATION.

I don't expect people to 'jump through hoops.'
It's that when someone could have easily been a part of my life
AND KEPT TREATING ME LIKE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR DO.
WHEN I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO DO SOMETHING FOR THEM.
NOT TO BE FAKE. BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

But WHEN I wanted to... AND they could have...
BUT DIDN'T WANT TO OR THEY WOULD HAVE...

Then... When I don't even want it anymore
Because when I did, and they knew I did
IT DIDN'T MATTER.

Then they come back? Like it matters NOW?
They suddenly decide I'm worth something to them?
A visit? A call? Anything?

But being treated like it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.
DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO BE THERE.

In relationships, friendships, whatever. 

So how is it my fault when they were focused
ON EVERYTHING ELSE?

And yes, I woke up when I realized what I was focused on. 
And what I wasn't. 
And why that was.

But then when people realize some things
AFTER THEY ALREADY CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE.
BECAUSE I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME.
DID THEY SEE THAT?

Why does it take for me to pull myself back up
FROM ALL OF THAT 
For someone who chose everything else
to decide to choose me at the end
WHEN WHY WOULD I GO BACK TO THAT?

I'd understand if I was a total sh*t to someone
And the things I could have chose that I didn't...
That they wouldn't want to revisit that with me.
They are within their right to choose that.
to retract themselves from me.
For being a total sh*t. 
Why would I expect to be given another chance?
Even if I recognize I was being a sh*t
Does recognizing it mean I deserve another chance?

When someone is focused on everyone else...
When you've been right there... The whole time...

HOW DARE THEY TRY TO COME BACK
LIKE THEY DECIDE I'M FINALLY WORTH IT...

Everyone else was worth their time and attention. 
So why pick and choose when you miss me?

Decide that they could have included me...
But they wanted whatever else instead.
And they try to make it about the fact that I'm mad about it
WHEN THEY WERE THE ONE WHO CHOSE THAT.
ALL OF THAT. THAT I HAD TO LET THEM CHOOSE
BECAUSE IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.

So what is there to be mad about?
The fact that it's not my choice?
That they know you know they kept you waiting
while giving you bs excuses?

IT WASN'T MY CHOICE.
I HAD TO LET THEM CHOOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE.

Did they have to? No.
Does it p*ss me off that it's not the same
for people who wouldn't appreciate being treated like that?
(Because of course they wouldn't).
Was it my choice to get singled out?
Was it my choice to get taken for granted?

Was it my choice to have one-sided bs?
It was my choice to waste my time on it. 
But it wasn't my choice.

It's not my choice to just be treated like a 'crazy person'
because it'd be cool, to just be acknowledged
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE ALL ALONG.

I don't fit into your schedule? Cool.
I'm of not concern to you? Cool.
"Can't ignore THEM"? Cool. 

Like you snub someone enough times... Cool.
But when you're cool with it...

And let it be what it is because they chose what they chose.
And they can't say I'm mad about it
BECAUSE IT WAS THEIR CHOICE.

Since they didn't have to choose me, 
and I don't have to choose people
who keep choosing everyone else...

It's not "where did YOU go'?
It's "where did your loyaty, admiration, respect, love, regard etc go"?
BECAUSE THEY MISS WHAT I BROUGHT WITH ME.
IF THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD ME ME
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE PUT THEMSELVES
IN A PLACE TO LOSE ME.

When you ignore someone enough...
Why expect them to keep waiting for you?

What were they doing when they were about everything else?
Had nothing to do with me but supposedly what I'm mad about...
They wanted that, they chose it, they can have it.
When they had a chance with me, they didn't want it.
They didn't want it but wanted more chances
to not want them or care they have them. 

BUT THE VERY MOMENT I SAY, "OKAY, F*CK THIS."
Is when they decide they want to try to come back?
Because they could have just had me in their life...
When I was willing to be there, for them. 
AND WHEN I WAS THERE FOR THEM. WHERE WERE THEY?
BEING THERE FOR PEOPLE
WHO AREN'T THERE FOR THEM?

So then when I point that out...
I'm the one who's "crazy"
or just "mad" because they're there
FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

Even the ones who weren't there or never were there, for them. 
Who were only there for themselves. 
The worst is being told that I just want it to be about myself. 
When no, that's not what I want. 

It's that someone treating you unfairly...
Who is being way more than fair with others.
WHO AREN'T BEING FAIR TO THEM...
But give THEM all your loyalty...

Then when you notice my abscense... Eventually...
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GETTING FROM OTHERS
WHAT I ONCE GAVE FREELY...
THAT YOU GAVE FREELY TO EVERYONE BUT ME.

Why does it take for that to be why someone wants
YET ANOTHER CHANCE THEY COULD HAVE TAKEN
SO MANY CHANCES BEFORE THAT...
DID THEY? So why be mad that I stop?

They get mad because they should just get access to that
any time they want it, but when it was there... 
Was it of interest? Was it of value?

Does it take for that to be like: "What I had was rare"?
I won't be able to find that again. Better not lose that...

But didn't care when it was there?