They Can Tell Me Why I Would

The other day, I had another example of what I've been bringing up.
The guy who I was doing a favor for
was literally ignoring me to my face.
So I stopped doing him the favor. 

He accused me of being upset with his private relationships. 
The fact he was seeing other girls
when he was supposedly seeing me
AND I DEFINITELY DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING
LET ALONE FAVORS.

But if you stop doing someone a favor, 
especially someone who doesn't deserve it in the first place, 
they'll accuse you of anything
and then go and tell people
that you're only believing
what you're choosing to believe.

I'll believe the facts all day long.
The facts don't put him in a favorable light.
So why should I do him any favors?
So he can appreciate what I was doing for him?
So he can eventually appreciate me?
F*CK NO AND F*CK THAT.

I've already ranted about these things already.

I refuted a bunch of things and called out a bunch of things
and what do I get? "I'm not reading all of that."
BUT YOU EXPECT ME TO LISTEN TO YOU, THOUGH.

BECAUSE HOW DARE I IGNORE HIM TO HIS FACE?
How dare I do that to anyone?
Yet, he is the one accusing me of acting like I'm "superior"
WHEN HE'S TOO GOOD TO READ WHAT I HAD TO SAY.
TOO GOOD TO TREAT ME WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY.
AS A PERSON AND HAS THE BALLS TO SAY HE WAS MY FRIEND?

I've had a lot of people say a lot of sh*tty things to me.
One of the examples came up in my memories, today.

The guy I regarded as my best friend...
One time, I went to go see him. It had been 4 months. 
BECAUSE I'M THE ONE CALLING ALL THE TIME.

He invited like 3 other people who he was socializing with.
And when it was suggested to me that I eat my dinner indoors
while everyone else ate outside...

HE COMES BACK INTO THE HOUSE
AND SAYS: I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE.

Because he was so caught up with everyone else.

Then after that, about ignoring me to my face.
Saying how he can't ignore THEM.
But doesn't have a problem doing it to me.
AFTER I HADN'T SEEN THE GUY FOR 4 MONTHS.

THEN SAYS IT'S BECAUSE I'M NEGATIVE
ABOUT POINTING THESE THINGS OUT.

BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD WANT TO BE TOLD:
"I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE."
"I CAN'T IGNORE THEM."

To top that all off, that very same night, 
he tried making a joke of the fact he was ignoring me. 
To one of the people who were there.
ABOUT ME, IN FRONT OF ME:
"I GIVE HER POT FOR IGNORING HER WHILE SHE'S HERE."

The amount of this sh*t...
Even from my so-called friends... 

So maybe f*ck doing anyone favors.
ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO IGNORE ME TO MY FACE
And try to sugarcoat their BS towards me.
WITH JOKES THAT ARE NOT FUNNY.
"JOKES" that are insulting.

That they'd be insulted by
if it was the other way around. 

If I had been like that, they'd get it?
But, I'm not because I know better than to do that sh*t.
Then get called "superior" for knowing better
AND NOT DOING PEOPLE THE WAY THEY DO ME.

So if that's where he's getting that I think I'm "superior..."
Maybe being wrong about me
and about his own BS is making him feel inferior. 

Knowing better doesn't mean I think I'm better.
Behaving better, with more maturity, 
BECAUSE I DON'T DO SH*T LIKE THAT
doesn't mean I think I'm better than everyone else.

I just means that I DON'T DO SH*T LIKE THAT.
If that makes people think that I think I'm better, 
THEY CAN THINK WHATEVER THEY WANT TO.
ABOUT ME ANY EVERYTHING ABOUT ME
BUT just because you think something, 
doesn't mean that what you think is right.

These are things I wish I could get through to people
but they want to be right so bad
they'd compromise our so-called friendship
or our potential to have anything real and meaningful
to boost their ego with their BS.

THEY HAVE ALL THE BS THEY WANT.
FROM THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE THEY CHOOSE
As THEIR so-called friends. 

When they say they miss me, 
THEY MISS THE LOYALTY THAT CAME WITH ME.

The guy who "forgot I was there."
Said of me that I'm a "forever" friend. 

I'm going to let them all drop off. 
Bad enough to invite people over after I hadn't seen the guy
and then he forgets I'm there
because he was too busy making jokes about ignoring me.
Told me "I can't ignore THEM."

Pretty freaking brutal. 
THEN I LEAVE THEM BEHIND
THEY GET MAD THAT I DO IT
BUT IT'S EITHER THAT OR THEY KEEP TREATING ME LIKE SH*T
While calling themselves MY FRIEND.

"Oh, you're not going to keep doing me favors
and helping me out 
AFTER I TREATED YOU THE WAY
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE TREATED
AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TREATED YOU?!"

"YOU'RE SUCH A B*TCH!!!"

Nothing about how I was being treated
let alone why I was being treated that way.

Someone told me that I was waiting on apologies
that will never come...
I already know this.
I stopped waiting and giving chances to people
TO FINALLY TREAT ME RIGHT.

For years I waited and gave more chances
than I ever should have.

ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THAT.

That they wouldn't do to the others 
they "can't" ignore, but they can when it comes to me?
Then I'm upset about them being friends, even?
Supposedly?

Because I forgot, everyone gets to decide
WHAT I AM UPSET ABOUT
BECAUSE HOW DARE I BE UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING
WHEN IT COMES TO ANY OF THAT?

They try to argue with "that's what you believe."
Yes, I believe the truth of it.

Whether or not you want to say anything about my "perception"
because they don't want to look at it
FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS
BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE THEM LOOK WORSE
THAN HOW THEY ALREADY CAME ACROSS.

BUT IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT MY REACTION.
To what?! Their sh*ttiness towards me?

Let's be sh*tty to get a reaction
so we can talk only about her reaction, 
but never what I "reacted" to.

AND PEOPLE NOT LETTING ME SPEAK MY MIND
Telling me I was the one not letting them speak theirs!!!

All kinds of really stupid sh*t. 

But can you speak your mind
to someone so damn immature to accuse you of things
you were clearly not even doing,
but had they actually listened to you
they'd fully know your intentions etc?

It's the gaslighting BS.
Okay, you accuse someone of not being a "grown adult"
because you accuse them of doing things they aren't doing
to ignore things that you, yourself, are doing. 
So that it doesn't make you look bad. 

If he wanted ME to see him as a "grown adult"
he wouldn't have picked up my baseball bat.
TO BE PETTY WITH ME
BECAUSE I STOPPED DOING FAVORS 
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO FOR HIM OR ANYONE.

LET ALONE ANYONE WHO IGNORES ME TO MY FACE.

So they can do whatever to me
that they'd be pissed about if I did to them, 
then tell me I have no reasons to be pissed whatsoever, 
that it's only my 'perception'
AS THOUGH THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT MY PERCEPTION IS.

BECAUSE IF THEY KNEW
THEY'D SEE WHAT IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE THE WAY IT IS.

My perception's pretty straight when I say:
If I did the exact same things to THEM
they'd not only be WTF but they'd be p*ssed, too. 

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY CAN'T DO IT
TO THE OTHERS, JUST TO ME.

It's like "f*ck you A*** about treating you properly, 
because you only believe what you want
and the problem is your 'perception'
of me treating you exactly the way I wouldn't want to be treated."

But when it comes to the others...
Whose opinions of everything matter, 
it's not "f*ck you, I don't care what you think or feel."
It's not "I give her pot for ignoring her."
SAYING IT ABOUT ME IN FRONT OF ME!
AS THOUGH IT'S FUNNY.

They care what THEY think.
But I'll always be AROUND to just do favors
people assume I'll do and keep doing
while they ignore me TO MY FACE
AND TALK ABOUT IT, APPARENTLY.

So can you see, now, that it's like "f*ck everyone
and they can shove their favors up their rump"?

BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT?
BE MY FRIEND BECAUSE YOU WANT TO
NOT BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD
THAT I KEEP GETTING TREATED LIKE THAT
BUT YOU DON'T FEEL BAD ENOUGH
NOT TO DO IT, TOO.

I got called "bitter" last night.
I never said I was "bitter."
Why be bitter over BS?
Who has the time for that?

Spite and petty BS is still BS.
If I wanted to be about it, I'd have been about it already. 

No matter the things done to me, 
that I don't even get to speak on...

Because when you speak on immaturity
what do you get? More immaturity?

What do you get for speaking on disrespect?
More disrespect?

What do you get for speaking on disregard?
More disregard?

But do you get it whether you speak on it or not?
So then what makes it seem like they can just do that to me?
DID HE TELL ANYONE ELSE
THAT HE FORGOT THEY WERE THERE?

Did the leader of the knitting group
apologize to anyone else in front of everyone
for not doing something they didn't do?
That they chose not to do?

They could have just done it? Right?

They could have just done a lot of things. 
Did they?
BUT I'M EXPECTED TO DO FAVORS.
FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TREAT ME DIFFERENTLY
THAN THEY TREAT OTHERS.

Because how should I take any of that?
HOW WOULD THEY TAKE ANY OF THAT?
HOW WOULD ANY OF YOU TAKE ANY OF THAT?

But how about how I react?

Because "normal" people...
WHAT IS NORMAL ABOUT BEING TREATED LIKE THAT?

Do they do that to everyone?
Apparently not to anyone else who was there.
Why do it in general? Let alone to me?
ESPECIALLY IF I DID IT,
THEY WOULDN'T LOOK BACK.

BUT I'M THE "B*TCH" FOR NOT GIVING THEM
WHAT THEY WANT, ANYMORE...

Did I get what I wanted out of it?
THE VERY BASIC THINGS?
THE VERY LEAST?

So why should I be giving the most?
Doing the most?

Then turn it around like they don't need my approval?
That they're not going to live their life to my standards?

DID I EVER SAY THEY NEEDED MY APROVAL?
WHAT DO I APPROVE?
BEING LIED TO AND IGNORED TO MY FACE?!
No, I don't approve that.

My standards are the same as theirs
about basic respect. Not hard.
To live by very minimum standards.

Not a lot to ask for:
"At the very least, don't do this and don't do that."
Very simple.

But I shouldn't have to ask for that!
Let alone feel any type of way about that, even. 
That I shouldn't have to ask for that.
ESPECIALLY THINGS IMPLIED BY COMMON SENSE.

I shouldn't have my 'perception' explained to me
BY SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER LOOK AT HIMSELF
LET ALONE ANYTHING THEY DO OR SAY
OR THE REASONS THEY EVEN DO IT
TO ME!!! LET ALONE AT ALL.

But I'm the one who is crazy or stupid
or upset about things I'm not upset about
when the facts are pretty clear.
My points are pretty valid.

Yet people who want to be right so damn bad
want to try to make me look wrong.
In any way they can.
By resorting to doing things that I don't do
TO THEM BECAUSE I KNOW BETTER.

Then they try to make it about anything else
OTHER THAN WHAT IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT.

I get deflection is a mechanism to avoid things.
Why would they eagerly want to discuss their behavior?
No, let's only talk about everything about me.

Make it about how I react to BS that is clearly BS.
Make it all about that.
Not about the BS, ever.

But if it came from me, that'd be different, right?
Like me starting an argument with you
by accusing you of a bunch of crap
I've been doing
because I want to get a reaction from you
that I can try to use against you.

Seems pretty fair, right?

Then I should argue FURTHER
By saying I refuse to acknowledge that you defute.
"I'm not going to read all that."

No, because it's all true.
I'm not going with someone's narrative
THAT THEY DID NOTHING WRONG
AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS ON ME.

Saying they couldn't speak their mind to me?
HOW COULD THEY NOT?
BECAUSE I IGNORED THEM TO THEIR FACE?
I TOLD THEM THEY THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE?

Maybe people who think they are better than everyone
go around accusing people of thinking that.

Because where or when did I ever say that I think that?
Are people telling me what I think? About myself?

What's the point of assuming someone thinks something they don't
let alone accusing them of thinking that?

I've been accused based off a lot of assumptions. 
About what and how I think, my state of mind, 
how I'd react... 
How do they expect me to take that?
Well?

Be friendly about being slapped in the face?
Is that how they expect me to react?

Or no, just give me more chances
UNTIL YOU LEARN NOT TO.
SO I CAN JUST KEEP DOING
WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING...

Without you being allowed to say anything about it.
Would they want everyone to know
how they treat me?

It's something like I read once. 
It went something like this:
If people want you to write warmly about you, 
perhaps, they should have treated you better.

Something along those lines.
One of my favorites from today:
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THINGS
THAT HAPPENED MONTHS AND MONTHS AGO.

Is there some time limit to when things stop mattering?
Or is that an excuse not to address anything?

"That happened months and months ago."
Still. Happened.

And it wouldn't have been months and months ago
HAD YOU NOT BEEN IGNORING ME FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS
BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAME BALLS
TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANY OF IT
YOU HAD WHEN YOU WERE BEING ABOUT IT.
Get my drift?

What's the real issue? Can't look me in the face, now?
After ignoring me to my face, 
then have the audacity to break something OF MINE
BECAUSE I'M THE "B*TCH"
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO DO FAVORS
FOR PEOPLE WHO DISRESPECT ME.

Not just disrespected me, but willingly did it, TO MY FACE.
Pretty sure it'd be disrespectful of me to do to their face.

And then call them a "b*tch" or whatever
the second they stop giving me what I want. 
WHEN I'M NOT ENTITLED TO FAVORS
OR ANYTHING ELSE.

I WAS GENEROUS TO PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T HAVE BASIC RESPECT FOR ME.

SO WHY KEEP BEING GENEROUS?
WITH MY OFFERS, MY TIME, MY MONEY, MY EFFORTS,
MY LOYALTY...

I trusted them not to do certain things
that it wouldn't be right of me to do to them.

The people in my life, who were the closest to me...
Except for a very few...

Showed me, and gave me reasons not to trust them.
A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.
How would anyone feel about that?

That's on top of the actual disrespect.
I told someone last night, the full situation.
HE SAID THAT MY "ALLEGATIONS"
Are heavy allegations.

Like I'm the one trying to ruin his life...
He's the one who did what he did.

BUT YET PEOPLE WHO TORE MY LIFE APART
DUE TO "ALLEGATIONS"
Just get to do that because of who was making the allegations. 
BUT FORGET IT WHEN I DO IT.

And not for the reasons they did.
THEY DID IT JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD.

The ones I can't speak my mind around
because I point things out, they don't want to be pointed out

ARE THE ONES SAYING THEY CAN'T
SPEAK THEIR MIND TO ME!

It kind of goes back to something my brother said:
"Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you need to shove it in anyone's face."

I can't force people to see what they actively refuse to see.
Seeing some things would be to admit to things
that they won't admit to doing. 

WHY? Because it makes them look bad.
Have I done things that make me look bad? Yes.

But even those things, as an adult, 
I CAN STILL FACE THOSE THINGS.

I CAN ADMIT WHERE AND HOW I F*CKED UP.
BUT WHERE ARE THE ONES COMING FORTH
TO ADMIT HOW THEY DID?

Why would I expect an apology from anyone
who wouldn't apologize anyway?
what good is an apology going to do
even if I got it?

What would they want? "Here's another chance"?
I know that I'm not entitled to chances
AFTER I F*CKED UP.
If I'm the one who f*cked up, 
I don't have a right to 'retaliate.'
About anyone's reaction to me f*cking up.

Especially after whatever I did was bad enough
but to try to insult you by"justifying" it.
Or try to make it seem like I was the one
who did all the things they were doing to me
and saying I was upset about things
THAT I KNOW DON'T CONCERN ME?
So why would I be upset about things that don't concern me?

Maybe the issue was that you ignored me to my face.
Wanted to argue with me, saying that you're not...
About things that I already know don't concern me.
BUT WHAT CONCERNS ME
IS KNOWING THAT YOU WOULDN'T DO TO OTHERS
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING TO ME.

Gave my personal information to
someone I don't trust, 

broke something of value to me, 

and wanted to act like I'm upset because I'm jealous?
Of who? People who were bothered by me?
When it doesn't concern THEM?

What am I jealous about if I think I'm so superior?
And I supposedly think I'm better than everyone?
And supposedly I'm upset
because people think that I think they need my approval
and should live their life to my standards...

What happened to raising your own standards
that you have for your own choices?

Do I want people to choose what they choose?
Even if I don't, it's their choice. 

But when their choices affect me, in any way...
Can't say anything about it. 

Because that'd somehow be unfair of me to do.
Like if I'd called out the lady at the knitting meeting.
For singling me out the way she did.

Like a teacher I had. A college professor.
She decided to single me out in front of the entire class.
Read one of my responses to a question I had written. 
My response I wrote was based on what I agreed with
about someone else's response because we could read
everyone else's responses.

It was so long ago that I couldn't say verbatim even if I tried.
But she actually used the words "tongue in cheek."

Instead of calling her out for trying to embarrass me
FOR LITERALLY NO REASON
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE...

I wrote her an email about how I didn't appreciate that.
And that if she has any issues with me or my responses
or ANYTHING REGARDING ME
she can speak to me privately from then forth. 

I added that instead of trying to point me out, 
there were students who didn't bother with the assignment at all, 
BUT DID SHE POINT ANY OF THEM OUT?

I did get an apology from her, but she did what she did.

Stupid sh*tty things like this that I shouldn't have to point out. 
That the others, all of them, didn't get from the teachers. 
Anyone else in my class? Just me?

IN COLLEGE! 
I'M PAYING TO BE THERE...
Do you get me, there?

But if I REACT like they seem to want me to,
I'm in the wrong.

Was she wanting me to stand up for myself
in front of everyone?
To defend and deflect?
Or did I do the right thing 
BY ADDRESSING IT PRIVATELY?

She wanted to try to embarrass me
OR ELSE WHY EVEN DO THAT?
WHY ONLY TO ME?

Like saying a bunch of crap that's not true
to try to get everyone to think it's true...

Then accuse me of doing it when I've told the truth.
Or let everyone go ahead and think what they were told to believe
by someone who told them to believe that.

ABOUT SOMETHING SO STUPID AND RANDOM
LIKE A RESPONSE TO A QUESTION.

Did I insult anyone with my response?
So why try to insinuate things and insult me?
To try to intimidate me? Why?

Because I should be allowed to agree
with what someone else said and add my own thoughts as well?
Were there any rules saying I couldn't?
What about the ones who didn't bother?
What about them?

Would they get called out for agreeing with me?
If they wouldn't, it's insulting.

This is the kind of crap I've encountered.
I'M NOT OKAY WITH IT.

It's people who think they are better than me
saying I'm the one who thinks that.

Why? Because I have higher standards?
BECAUSE OF THINGS I WOULDN'T DO?
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR OF ME
TO DO TO THEM?

Is that why I supposedly think I'm better than everyone else?
And supposedly they need my approval?
And supposedly I'm upset about things that don't concern me?
No, I'm upset about HOW YOU WOULDN'T IGNORE
OTHER PEOPLE... ESPECIALLY CERTAIN PEOPLE
TO THEIR FACES.

But it's okay to ignore me because I supposedly think these things
and supposedly they need my approval...
And I want them to live by my standards...
THE SAME STANDARDS THEY HAVE
FOR HOW THEY WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED.
Do they only understand when it concerns them?

IF I TREATED THEM THE WAY THEY TREATED ME?
I COULD HAVE DONE THE EXACT SAME SH*T
But does deciding not to do it
mean that I think I'm better than everyone?

Should I just go around doing everything everyone else is doing
so that nobody thinks that I think that I'm better than everyone else?

Or would that still be unfair of me to do?

Is it only fair to do to me because they think that I think that?
BECAUSE I STOPPED DOING FAVORS
FOR PEOPLE I SHOULDN'T
HAVE GIVEN THAT MANY CHANCES TO.
LET ALONE ANY.

As though I felt a type of way about his harem.
LIKE I NEED OR WANT THE DRAMA.
HE MADE THAT BED.

Why would I be fighting someone who clearly wanted to fight me
OVER A DUDE I LOST ALL RESPECT FOR?

See how ridiculous it got? For what?
To win a game I wasn't playing?
Because I don't do sh*t like that.

I'm going to treat A*** like she barely exists.
Then blame her for me choosing to treat her like that.
SHE'LL REACT TO IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR.
Because it wouldn't be fair of her if she did that to me.

Then I'll just talk about her reaction. 
Nothing else, at all.

Like if I called people out for trying to single me out.
That would be a reaction and that they could be like:
YOU DON'T HAVE TO REACT LIKE THAT...
DID THEY HAVE TO DO THE THINGS
THAT I POINTED OUT TO THEM?

ARE THE THINGS I'M POINTING OUT, TRUE?!

But I don't have to react like that...
ABOUT WHAT, THOUGH?

NOT ABOUT NOTHING.
Not because you think you know what I think, either.
Not everything we think is true.

But instead of letting me be right
ABOUT THE POINTS I'M MAKING.
It's discounted.
BECAUSE HOW DARE I SPEAK THE TRUTH.

How dare I have a point? If they thought about it long enough...
But why think about what I say?
IDGAF if everyone "forgets I'm here."

But I don't want to be the one to explain why I did.
Because they wouldn't want that.
So can they tell me why I would?