It bothers me. When someone purposely
tries to get a reaction out of me
to try to blame my reaction
for whatever they feel justified to do.
Flash backs to when I was in group homes
and got "restrained"
WHAT IS A NORMAL REACTION
FOR BEING RESTRAINT?
But they get to just hold you down
without your consent.
Because your consent to being held down
apparently doesn't matter.
In the hospital, I wrote about that.
It happened a lot.
About the guy who was hiding from security guards in my room.
About how they restrained him
knowing that he had recent SURGERY.
And there was one patient who they chained to her bed at night...
Strapped would be a better word than chained...
Anyway, they'd leave her there, all night.
So all of us, all we heard all night was her
like begging to be released from her restraints.
They didn't even care if she p*ssed herself.
It's literally that bad in there and can't take video
or pictures or anything in there.
Because of privacy rights,
but they don't want people to know
that people are being treated like that.
Like the guy the nurses wouldn't stop for
TO HELP HIM TIE HIS PANTS.
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T USE HIS HANDS.
In school they used to try to p*ss me off
on purpose to try to get me to fight them
so they could call me "psycho."
It hasn't stopped into adulthood. You think that
GROWN ADULTS WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS.
That that BS was grown out of.
It's kind of like how people poke bears and laugh and think it's funny.
UNTIL THE BEAR TURNS AROUND
AND SHOWS YOU THE MEANING
OF F*CK AROUND AND FIND OUT.
I've had sh*t done to me to get a reaction
OF ME STANDING UP FOR MYSELF
against whatever BS
and then the name-callers telling me
that I called him IMMATURE
For acting immature.
Yes, I did.
Because if you're acting immaturely,
and playing stupid games, in my face,
I WILL BRING IT UP.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
And when I do bring it up,
IT'S YOUR CHANCE TO OWN UP AND STEP UP.
IF YOU DON'T, YOUR CHANCE IS GONE.
So when you finally wake up and REALIZE
THAT I DID ACTUALLY HELP YOU OUT
AND YOU TURN AROUND AND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE
THEN YOU DRAG IT OUT, SO I CAN'T JUST WALK AWAY?
What is the point in that?
To wait it out in case I CHANGE MY MIND?
AFTER I WAS FORCED TO CHANGE IT
ABOUT WHAT THE POINT EVEN IS
TO KEEP HELPING AND SUPPORTING SOMEONE
WHO WASN'T EVEN TRYING?
And no, I don't help people for praise.
It was never about that.
It's about WHEN SOMEONE CARES ENOUGH TO HELP YOU
AND YOU KEEP SHOWING THEM
YOU COULD CARE LESS
ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING
LET ALONE FEEL ABOUT HOW YOU COULDN'T CARE LESS...
That's when you shouldn't be surprised
WHEN YOU CAN NOT GAF SOMEWHERE ELSE.
It shouldn't come as a shock.
I shouldn't have to explain that, period.
BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITING THAT...
INVENT SOME OTHER REASON.
That it was because of reasons that aren't issues to me...
That it was because of my 'perception.'
Explain to ME
what picking up someone's baseball bat,
and smashing an antique family heirloom with it
saying: "HOW'S THIS FOR ATTITUDE?!!"
Tell me what that's supposed to look like.
Looks a lot like disregard and disrespect, to me.
But no, it's my 'perception'
HOW I'M LOOKING AT THINGS
THAT MANY OTHERS WOULD LOOK AT
FOR WHAT IT IS.
DISREGARD AND DISRESPECT.
See these gaslighting tactics people try to use on me?
It's like some people are gaslit so bad
that they do it to others and accuse them of doing it to THEM.
Either that, or they willingly do this.
Can you now see why I'd rather be alone?
Do you see why it bothers me less and less to be alone?
AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH
THERE ARE TIMES I WISH I WERE DEAD.
Would that make the BS stop? For me, maybe.
Unless a bunch of BS happened after my death
that I probably couldn't do anything about
EITHER.
The tactics are unreal, though.
I recognize them, but I don't use them.
I couldn't even force myself to do it because I know it's wrong.
I also know how infuriating it is.
Even if I went back through my life
and gave all kinds of examples of the BS...
How people seem to be justified to do
whatever they do to me.
EVEN LYING ABOUT ME.
If they can say whatever they want about me
and when I stand up for myself,
it just gives the "impression"
that the BS is true,
when all it is.... Is BS.
For going against the BS and not glossing over it
like it's not what it is?
Why should I do that to save someone's reputation?
If they f*cked up, they f*cked up.
Simple as that.
If they let someone else f*ck things up,
they let someone else f*ck things up.
But all the while making it seem like I'm the issue
NOT HOW PEOPLE LIE ABOUT ME.
OR TRY TO MAKE IT ABOUT MY PERCEPTION
WHEN THAT SH*T WAS DONE AND SAID TO MY FACE!
But why go around telling everyone the real reason...?
Because it makes THEM look bad.
So why would they want to make themselves look bad?
Why not just try to make me look bad?
So that they don't have to deal with the actual issue.
Even admitting there's an actual issue
with how they choose to do me...
Like people who don't let me finish talking.
TELLING ME TO LET THEM FINISH TALKING!
People interrupting me...
TO TELL ME NOT TO INTERRUPT THEM!
A bunch of this garbage.
And how am I supposed to take it?
But these are the little things that happen.
There have been pretty big things.
What I wrote about that college professor...
You know? Should I have addressed her in front of everyone?
What would really impress me is someone
ADDRESSING THEMSELVES
THEIR OWN CHOICES,
THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR,
THEMSELVES.
So that I wouldn't even have to try.
Because either way, it needs to be addressed.
But when I address something, they won't,
I'm the crazy one who wants to "fight."
I'M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO ADDRESS SOMETHING
THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED.
THE MATURE THING TO DO IS TO ADDRESS IT.
And when I've tried to,
about my son being bullied at school...
What did I get? A bunch of backlash from the school?
Because they got offended that I wanted them to do their jobs?
And then the 'allegations' yet they can do something about it
EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE.
BUT WHEN I MAKE 'ALLEGATIONS'
WHEN IT ACTUALLY IS TRUE...
MINE ARE JUST ALLEGATIONS.
Because who am I to make 'allegations'?
Who am I? What do I know?
That's why they argue the littlest things
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT
TO TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I DON'T.
What is the point of arguing with an idiot?
To get somewhere?
Because I never have.
And by idiot, I'm not calling myself the smartest in the room.
But at least I'm smart enough to know
that it doesn't go anywhere.
Guess how I found out?
Because I wasted my time and wasted my breath.
Getting p*ssed at people for their stupidity
doesn't make them any smarter.
Just gives them a reason to call you "crazy."
Gives them a reason to say whatever about you.
Guess how I found out?
Because I've had it done to me, over and over.
Doesn't go anywhere, hasn't gotten me anywhere.
If we could just wake people up by screaming at them!
Yank their heads out of their @sses...
Forcefully...
For the good of humanity...
Then a bunch of BS I had happen to me,
WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
But if I had stopped caring,
a long time ago, I would have saved myself from
a bunch of bullsh*t.
BUT I KEPT TRYING AND WAITING
FOR A DIFFERENT OUTCOME.
ALL THAT TRYING AND WAITING
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE THE OUTCOME.
Just reminds me of what the guy said to me once,
"Crying about it isn't going to change anything."
I'm not crying about it, anymore.
I wish I wasn't still p*ssed about a lot of things.
I wish a lot of things that SHOULDN'T HAPPEN
DIDN'T HAPPEN.
Dragging sh*t out... That's what's p*ssing me off now.
Because a bunch of sh*t could have just been over.
LONG AGO.
What gets me is how little anyone actually appreciates
ANYTHING I DO FOR THEM.
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO FOR THEM.
So wouldn't it make sense that IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT.
THAT THEY'D APPRECIATE IT?
But showing me over again that what I'm offering
isn't good enough...
or is only good enough when they feel like it
Or when it's being taken away from them...
How am I going to keep wanting to offer that?
If it's not "good enough"
it could be "good enough" for someone else.
Kind of like how people throw things out,
and someone else is like "How could they throw this out?"
People might actually be able to make a living
from flipping things they randomly find.
Or knowing where to look and when.
I was trying to think of another analogy.
There was a good one about a guy who'd been mining
for diamonds or jewels...
Then a rare one fell out of the sky.
But he discarded it.
Another one was how someone was sitting on a suitcase
begging for spare change,
and someone asked the guy what was in it,
"I don't know, I never looked."
HOW WOULD ANYONE KNOW
WHAT OR HOW I THINK
WHAT I AM OR NOT UPSET ABOUT
HOW I FEEL, ETC
IF THEY CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME?!
Looking at me, you can't tell anything either.
I was supposed to be about looking within,
not about looking at me.
But it goes for how is anyone supposed to know?
Let's just go on "allegations" about someone
but not listen to them when they have their own...
But since they don't know... Since all they ever did was assume...
All kinds of things about me...
How accurate would their "perception" be?
Or would it just be MINE that's not accurate...
But really, if I could figure out
HOW I CAN SHUT THE BS DOWN
AS SOON AS IT STARTS...
No, I don't think I'm better than anyone.
Knowing better doesn't make me better.
Choosing better is for my own sake.
Not to prove what I think of myself...
I know I'm not better, but I deserve better than this.
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Saturday, May 04, 2024
I'm Not Better
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