The Trust Factor

There are times I trusted people I shouldn't have.
One example that comes to my mind straight away
was one of the last times I hitched a ride.
The guy who put his hand on my knee...

We can't just put our trust in just anyone.
Also I trusted certain people NOT to do
THE THINGS THEY SHOULD HAVE NEVER DONE.
LET ALONE TO ME.

I've had my trust seriously broken.
Just because my trust was broken,
doesn't mean my heart has to be.

I shouldn't have to show anyone my strength.
But if I can't trust you, I can't, and I won't. 
Because why? Already shown, me the first time.

Part of the reason I'm secluding myself. 
Can barely trust myself, but I know I can trust myself more
than people I can't trust worth a crap.

Just not doing that anymore. 

It bugs me that I could bend over backward for someone
AND THEY TURN AROUND AND DO ME LIKE THAT.

I never asked or wanted anyone to bend over backward for me.
A little bit over the bare minimum is good enough for me. 
To me, anything less than the bare minimum does not interest me. 
Been through so much crap that I don't want anything anymore.

Hard time trusting, now. So why would I want to date?
Especially when there are other things I could have been doing,
when I was WASTING MY TIME on things that weren't going anywhere.

Not that I expected any relationship I ever had to lead up to marriage.
I've given up the idea of marriage. "At least you didn't marry him."

When I get less than the bare minimum, why would I want to?
And less on a sliding scale, but less none the less.

When you know they wouldn't do THAT to people
THEY WANT TO KEEP IN THEIR LIFE.

F the "pick me" I used to be like that
with someone I wanted to be with. 
Until he showed me how superficial and shallow he is. 

I wasn't worth the investment because I don't "have it like that."
But it actually is in my favor, 
because if the deciding factor is THAT... Go dig gold elsewhere.
I'd rather THAT not be the deciding factor.

BECAUSE THAT ISN'T THE DECIDING FACTOR FOR ME.
The deciding factor is the TRUST factor. 

Do you think I want to let my guard down?
There are too many reasons for putting it UP. 
To the MAX. 

That's not only for my safety and security, 
It's for my self-respect and self-regard.

Why would I want a guy with a jealous vengeful ex?

I'm listening to an interrogation called:
Ex-Girlfriend From Hell Plays Innocent With Police -
Until She Lands On The Most Wanted List.

She shot the gf of the ex bf. 

That's been a thing. Crazy jealousy. 
I've had dreams where I got jealous and did ugly things. 
Those were dreams though. I know better irl. 

I'm more like: "You don't want to be with me, so go be with her."
Can't reject me and keep choosing over me a billion times
AND THEN TRY TO BE LIKE: "You're the one for me."

Because if "you're the one for me"
That would have been from the start.
Not something out of REGRET.

Not something out of "I wish I'd treated you better."
FO with that crap.

Can't find something where it's not. 
Not even when you want it to be there.
Not even when you wish it was there.
When you wish it was right in your hand. 
Not even then.

You can look EVERYWHERE for it.
But won't find it where it's not. 

That's what I learned about trying to "date."
It's either there, or it's not. 
Just because it's not where I thought/wished/wanted it was.
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING FOR IT.
Because although the trust factor is extremely important to me, 
I've already wasted too much time I can't get back. 

When I get blamed all the time. 
Maybe reflect on some things that were actually their fault. 
But can't see where they went wrong
Because they're "never wrong."
Easier to blame me than to take accountability. 

Yes, I have blamed people for things that were my fault. 
BUT I REALIZED THAT BECAUSE I REFLECTED ON IT.

I can't be shocked or surprised when anything is MY fault. 
That anyone wouldn't want to deal with me
because of what is MY fault. 
Because what is MY fault isn't their fault. 

IT GOES BOTH WAYS, THOUGH
When something isn't MY fault
Take the blame for what is YOUR fault. 
Can't blame ME for anything that isn't MY fault.
Not saying I'm completely blameless all the time.

But I will not take responsibility for something that isn't my fault. 
No matter who wants me to. It's not on ME.

It bugs me when people tell me things like 
"I've been taking the brunt of *whatever*"
Then DON'T.
Do you have to just because you're expected to?
No? Then just don't.
Why take the brunt of BS?

It also bothers me that they'd rather keep being up their @ss.
Why? To keep taking the brunt they didn't want to take?
"I can't do it anymore." Then DON'T.
Pretty simple. 

But you can't tell me you can't do it anymore
THEN KEEP DOING IT.

AND TELLING ME ALL THIS
TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DO ANY OF THAT.
The one who isn't worth it, though.

Is it worth taking the brunt all the time?
For things that aren't your fault?
If it's not worth it. Just don't. 

Someone told me that once when I was crying. 
They pretty much said I don't have to, 
So "just don't." And that was enough. 

So all the things you don't have to do, just don't. 
It doesn't mean that you can't go out of your way, 
if you want to, but don't have to go out of your way
for anyone who won't go out of their way for you.

One of my friends told me:
You don't have to set yourself on fire.
To keep anyone warm. 

You don't have to cross oceans
For anyone who wouldn't jump a puddle.

I don't have to do anything
for someone who can't even call me by my own name. 

Because people whose names they called me, 
Seem to be more important than calling me by my own name.

There was a case I saw an interrogation video for. 
The guy was having s3x with his gf
and she called him by her ex's name.
He "lost it" like black out rage...
Tore her guts out, literally.
Didn't realize what he even did. 

But slap after slap after slap after slap in the face.
Do I say: "Slap me again, I like it"?
Do I say: "Hit me, baby, one more time"?

Slaps in the face may as well be like spitting in my face.
Or taking a huge crap on me.
WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?
WHY WOULD I EVEN HAVE RESPECT FOR THAT?
Why would I have the time, 
let alone make the time for that?

Can't be shocked or surprised that I don't. 
They didn't take the time not to do that.
EVEN KNOWING THEY WOULDN'T RESPECT THAT FROM ME.

I'm talking figurative slaps in the face.
Pretty sure you got that and I don't know why I'm clarifying it.

Never had that happen to me while being intimate.
However, had that happen someone waking up next to me.

Like don't lay down NEXT to me
PRETENDING I'm someone else.
BECAUSE IF YOU'D RATHER BE WITH THEM...
FO AND LEAVE ME TF ALONE.

Isn't that a sh*t thing to do to someone?
Why would I let anyone USE me like that?
I'm worth a heck of a lot more than to lay down
NEXT TO ME PRETENDING I'M SOMEONE ELSE.

If you can't see why I'd rather be SINGLE
Than to keep trying and putting all my effort
FOR SOMEONE TO DO THAT CRAP TO ME.

Pretty sure I know that's not cool to do to someone.
Like I'd rather be with someone in my imagination
than to pretend SOMEONE ELSE
IS THE ONE I WANT TO BE WITH FFS.
Not only is that disgustingly disrespectful...
IT'S WRONG!!!!

And I shouldn't have to explain to anyone why it's wrong. 
Because if I have to explain THAT there's something wrong, there.

Yeah, it stings, but IT P*SSES ME OFF.
How little regard must you have for someone
TO DO THAT TO THEM?

MAYBE HAVE ENOUGH REGARD NOT TO.
Even enough RESPECT not to.

Would they want me to do that to them? No?
Why would I want that done to me?

I'm not going to be the "It didn't work out with them, 
so I choose you by default."

But miss MY LOYALTY ALL TF YOU WANT.
When you don't know what you've got until it's gone...
Too. Late.

They had the chance to even get next to me.
I'm not a placeholder for the one it didn't work out with.
Or the one who gets to be called by their own name.
Or the one they want to pretend they are with
WHILE LAYING NEXT TO ME.

How would that feel to them? Sh*tty?
Then why do it to me?

I'm not a replacement until they get to be with
whoever tf they want to be with.
I will not be treated as though I am. 
Because I'm not.

Maybe I trusted him not to do those things to me.
I trusted a lot of people not to do things to me
that they CHOSE to do.

However, many times I learned the hard way. 
Not to trust so easily.

I think what it is... Is that since I want to be able to...
I let my guard down with people
WHO WOULD DO THIS CRAP TO ME.

EVEN THOUGH I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO THEM.
AND THERE ARE PEOPLE THEY WOULDN'T DO IT TO...

Because they have enough regard and respect
NOT TO DO THAT TO THEM.
But not enough for me?

I'd be different if they didn't judge me
based on what I have and what I don't. 
I don't "have it" like that, but I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Like push me out the door to go be with someone
THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH...
WHILE I'M RIGHT THERE.

So you can't do all that crap to me
AND STILL EXPECT MY LOYALTY.

Does any of that remotely seem like they are loyal to me?
But don't do any of that crap to people who are NOT loyal to you...

Don't call them by MY name.
Don't lay next to them pretending they are ME.
Don't use them as a placeholder like you did to me.

And I don't have to be the placeholder in my own life.
Until I get to "become" who I can only work towards becoming. 
Nobody says anyone has to be a placeholder in their own life!
But definitely not for anyone else.

Can't force anyone to be with me. I won't. 
I can't get angry that they'd rather be with someone else.
Why would I? They can go ahead and do that.
Their life, their choices. 

But they could have chosen, at the very least,
NOT TO DO ANY OF THAT TO ME, PERIOD. 
WHY WASTE MY TIME LIKE THAT?
Why waste my time FOR that?
Was that what I put in my effort for? No?
THEN JUST DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT. 

Anyway, got that off my chest. Feels slightly better.
And it really bothers me to even have to say any of it.
BECAUSE IT'S COMMON SENSE
NOT TO DO THAT TO ANYONE.

LET ALONE THE ONE PERSON WHO WAS ACTUALLY THERE
FOR YOU. WHEN NOBODY ELSE WAS.
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T GAF.

But when I shut down, pull away, retreat etc
I'M THE ONE WHO'S FAULT IT IS.
THAT THEY CHOSE TO DO THOSE THINGS.
LIKE I NEVER CARED AT ALL.

Why was I doing any of the things I did FOR YOU.
IF I DIDN'T EVER CARE?
But did they? Enough not to do that?
Even if they knew it was a sh*tty thing to do?
Even if they wouldn't want me to do it to them?

AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY
NEVER EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
LIKE IT NEVER EVEN HAPPENED.

Because I'm 'crazy.'
I'd 'lose all control'
Pretty sure I didn't burn anyone's houses down. 
Pretty sure I didn't go and seek revenge.
Pretty sure I'm just moving on with my life.
LIKE I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DO.
JUST LIKE THEY DO.
ESPECIALLY IF I HAD DONE THAT TO THEM.

And I couldn't be shocked or surprised, at that point.

And to put the icing on the cake, to keep being contacted
by someone who has literally wanted to attack me
FOR NOT CARING ANYMORE
BECAUSE SHE WAS A PART OF THE ISSUE.
YET I'M THE ISSUE?
I'M NOT THE ONE CHEATING & ACTING POSSESSIVE.

Why would I? Do I want that? No?
So maybe the issue is the fact she has an issue with me
even though he "can't do this anymore" with her. 
But gives her MY number to come after ME?
Don't tell me "you can't do it anymore" with her
THEN KEEP BEING ALL UP HER @SS.

F that sideways with a surfboard six ways from Sunday.

She was reading our messages calling us homewrecking losers.
AFTER she cheated on the guy when she was pregnant. 
And then who's to say that child is his?
Usually, they are cheating long before they get caught.

But if you want to keep being up her @ss, 
Hope that sh*t is worth it to you.
Because if it's not
DON'T BE TRYING TO COME BACK HERE, TO ME.

And definitely not to play on my feelings
THAT YOU KNEW I ONCE HAD.

Once I lose respect for you after you break my trust like that...
Game over.

And why play games with me?
Why would I get into a cat fight
with someone who just wants me to catch charges?

So that we would fight over who gets to be devoted to you?
F. That. Crap.

She lies, cheats, steals... But go be up her @ss.
And take the brunt of her BS.
Don't tell me you "can't do it anymore"
then turn around and be up her @ss just like she wants you to be.
Why? So she can get whatever she wants.

You see why, though?

He can't trust her, at all. 
Not to lie, not to steal, not to cheat, even.
But he keeps going back.

But he's going to try to tell ME he's sorry?
For the way he treated ME?
The way she treated HIM?

Why should I take the brunt of his brunt?
There's no reason why I should, period.