Let Them See For Themselves

When you try to tell someone something important, 
and they ignore you and dismiss you, 
LET THEM SEE FOR THEMSELVES.

That's what I had to do.
Because despite my best efforts...
When someone doesn't want to hear it...
They won't hear it. 

It just bugs me that if someone ELSE, 
OTHER THAN ME...
Says the EXACT same thing...
They would listen to THEM.

THAT'S what bugs me. 

That and the thing that I said before
about being judged based on assumptions. 

Drives me nuts the assumptions about me...
Then to be judged on those...

Would be nice for them to see the assumptions
are just assumptions...

But it's not up to me what they see.
Why, when, how they see it.
Gotta let them see for themselves, though.

People had to let me see for myself.
EVEN WHEN THEY WANTED TO SHOW ME
AND WANTED ME TO SEE...
I had to see for myself. 

Took me a LONG time, to see the things I have.
Could I have seen things much sooner if I had listened?
If I had been willing to look?
If I wasn't arguing FOR my state of mind
"because nobody understood what I was going through."

Even though they actually wanted to help me. 

Not that I thought I knew everything. Still don't.
But... How would they know how I felt?
Were they going through what I was going through?

Still bugs me, that doctor. 
"Do you enjoy being depressed?" WTF.
All because I don't want to take those pills...

I don't know if I ever wrote about my experience with Zoloft. 
I was around 14 when I was taking it. 
I'd get really disturbing, invasive, thoughts. 
Not only were they invasive, they were like intrusive
and... Persistent.

Like the thoughts would invade me, 
really disturbing thoughts about harming people. 
AND I KNOW I'M NOT LIKE THIS.

It got so bad, that I just wanted to die
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T STOP. 

The thoughts were so invasive and persistent
that it felt like if I just did it, it would stop. 
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT.
I DIDN'T, BUT THAT'S HOW IT FELT!

What sucks is that others are having the same experiences.
And a lot of people are taking it.

Some murder/suicides related to this drug. 

But because of those experiences.
I DON'T TRUST THE DOCTORS
WHEN IT COMES TO MEDICATION. 

I do take medication, mood stabilizers, 
and meds to knock me out. So I can actually sleep. 

But I'm very wary of drugs, especially stuff like Zoloft. 
My son told me he was on it and I asked him if he was having bad thoughts. 
He did tell me that he was. I knew it was the drug, not me.

Because the thoughts were things I wouldn't ever do.
But it's easy to think it's actually us, not the drug. 
Which probably happens a lot.
If I knew he was being given it, I would have stopped that.

But I did talk to his doctor. 
The doctor can't give me info about my son.
Because after the age of 16, it's confidential. 
Parents can't know about their kids, at 16. 
But there's also doctor/patient confidentiality, too. 

But there's no laws saying we can't give info to doctors.
Someone told me I should talk to his doctor. So I did.
I put it in writing, too. 

It really bugs me that this drug is prescribed so damn much. 
And people probably experience the exact same thing. 
It bugs me that they make it, still. 

But it's like "doctors know best, they wouldn't prescribe something
that actually does this to people, would they?"
Yeah they would because they do. 

They get PAID to prescribe that crap to people.
Do they care as long as they are getting paid?

Apparently they don't care enough not to ask me
"Do you enjoy being depressed?"
Should have asked her "Do you?"

But I was like "Why would you even ask me that?"
She was like "If you don't enjoy it, take these pills."
SHOVE those pills.

Glad that doctor retired, but her replacement isn't all that better.
Then SHE went on leave and got another doctor. 

Just bugs me when they think they can say whatever tf they want. 
To try to get you to do something and they get PAID to do it. 

Anyone who's taken it and had that experience, 
knows exactly what I'm talking about. 

Yes, Canada has mostly free health care.
If you're Canadian. 

I knew someone from Chile. 
He needed to go to the hospital and he got charged.
Because he needed anti-biotics for a staff infection. 

For the longest time he wouldn't tell me where he was from.
For whatever reason he thought I'd be mad
if he told me where he is from. Why would I be mad?
I knew he wasn't from here. From a Spanish speaking country. 

What difference does it make where someone is from?
Makes zero difference to me. Why should it?

But just because it's free doesn't mean it's thorough. 
And the doctors are supposed to make the appointment short.
And I think they might have a cap
of how many patients they can see in a day.
I don't know for sure, but I heard it somewhere.

One of my friends is getting his car back this summer.
He got caught smoking and driving.

We used to drive out to different places, hop out, smoke one, 
and he'd drive me home.
We did that a bunch of times. Not anymore. 

But I asked when he gets his car back, if we could go to Wild Wings. 
He took me there for my birthday, once. 
That meant a lot to me. I don't usually get that.
Anyone wanting to do something for me for my birthday.

I haven't seen his new place, yet. He's been there, for years, 
but it's out of town so he's been stuck out there, with no car.
And I don't have one, either, but he's getting his back. 
It's been like 4 years since he's had his car.
I remember before he had a car. 

Once, we were going to the bus stop. 
He was walking me to the bus stop. 
We were going to take a short cut behind his building, 
behind the fence and down the hill to the main road. 
A couple of cops stopped us, and told us there was someone
with a gun in the area. So we didn't take that short cut.

There was someone who got shot
not even a block from where he used to live. 

And I heard that there was a shooting years ago
at the convenience store across from the projects. 
Heard someone got shot in the back 3 times, during the day. 

There are two projects in the area. Across from each other. 
One side has a gang, the other side rival gang.
So I don't go there at night. 
But mostly stick to myself and some places I stay away from. 

One of the worst areas is called Vanier. 
They used to have their own police force. 

Anyway, there's lots of drugs, red light district... 
There was a time I had an appointment in Vanier.

I was going to the place where the appointment was
and a guy FOLLOWED ME INTO THE BUILDING
AND HE WAITED UNTIL MY APPOINTMENT WAS OVER
AND HE TRIED FOLLOWING ME AGAIN
WHEN I WAS LEAVING. 

Isn't that messed up? I didn't know the guy. 
Never seen him before in my life...
Has the BALLS to follow me inside AND WAITED FOR ME.

Then there was another time I was walking back downtown from Vanier. 
And there was a guy in a truck, passed me like 4 times. 
It's like if they make eye contact with you, 
it's like an invitation to engage or something. 

But it's beyond creepy to even have that happen. 
I'm not really that attractive, either.
So I don't really know why they bothered, but it was really yuck. 

These things don't happen all the time, thankfully. 

But once, I was out by the river...
Never told this story by the way...

A guy stops to talk to me, and we're talking for a bit. 
THEN HE PULLS IT OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!
LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL F...?!

Of course I just got out of there right away. 
Didn't even say anything, just got up and walked away.

WHO DOES THAT? That guy apparently. 

I've had random things happen like that. 
Part of the reason I don't really go out all that much. 
I just hole up and hide in my apartment. 
Do my web stuff etc.

It's just strange, it bothers me, and it's quite alarming. 
Like in broad daylight. 
We were away from the main trail where anyone could see us. 
We were closer to the river so nobody was around. 
Why did he think in any shape or form that I'd be down for that?

I recall something someone told me about a guy in an elevator.
He told me he was in an elevator with a guy, 
and he touched a female inappropriately in the elevator.
Right in front of him and the female's mother.

Can't even take an elevator without being harrassed?
But that was more than harrassment. 
Harrassment is more like lude comments or gestures.
NOT TOUCHING.

What happened was that the guy went to pet their dog, 
but his hand "brushed" up her leg. 

Seriously couldn't help himself? C'mon!
There are things you just don't do. That's one.
AND FOLLOWING ME INTO A BUILDING
AND WAITING FOR ME
TO FOLLOW ME AGAIN... That's another.
AND PULLING IT OUT... That's another.

It's just been INSANE the things people think they can just do.
BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE IT.
No, you can't. So don't.

That's what it's like to be a female. 
Jeepers Creepy Creepers.

I knew a guy who is into feet.
I was looking at his camera and he'd zoomed in
to take pictures of girls' feet in public. 
Like secret candid shots of strangers' feet.
Unbeknownst to them...

BECAUSE HE WANTED TO.

And this stuff seems to happen more than it should. 
Way more than it should. 
Even to me. 

The scariest time was when I was walking to someone's place. 
It was late, and not the greatest area to walk alone at night. 
So a car slowed down as I was walking and I told the guy "keep going."
So they did and stopped at the light ahead. 
I went to take a short cut that would take me away from them. 
But the guy must have been watching me in the rear view mirror...
Because I took the short cut and I was back on the main road, 
Then I saw them TRY TO CUT ME OFF ON THE SIDWALK!
THEY PARKED LIKE RIGHT ON THE CORNER. 
IN FRONT OF ME, BUT I HAD ENOUGH TIME
TO CROSS THE STREET TO THE OTHER SIDE

So I put distance between them and I. Two dudes. 
The guy was trying to lure me to the car. 
Saying he had me on video on his phone
WHICH I KNEW WAS 100% BS.
Never seen the dude in my life.

He just wanted me to want to see the "video."
I told them to leave me alone, he said they wouldn't. 
So I pointed at the Tim's that was across from them. 
I told them I'd go in there and call the cops.
They took off. I should have called the cops,
But I couldn't really describe them well and I didn't get a license plate.
I was mostly concerned about them just fking right off. 

Who does that? But my gut told me to cross the road. 
As soon as I saw them do that. Or they would have grabbed me.

That was one of the scariest times. 
I wasn't scared of the guy who followed me into the building. 
I wasn't scared of the guy who pulled it out. 
What got me was the guy trying to lure me to his car.
With a 'video' I knew he didn't have.

I've gotten bad vibes from some people. 
And at the time, I couldn't exactly translate the energy. 
And of course I can't exactly read people's minds. 
There were a few times I actually did, but generally I can't. 

I had a neighbor I used to visit from time to time.
We'd drink, smoke, play cards.
He had a roommate, but he started losing it after he moved out. 

He was talking to me about a girl he was seeing. 
And that she wasn't taking his calls and he was asking me what he should do. 
So I just told him to wait, nothing he could really do
since she wasn't taking her calls...

This guy took me out once to celebrate a job I got. 

Anyway, as I was leaving his place, I don't know why...
But my eyes locked on his block of knives. I don't know why. 

I don't know how much longer after that, months probably. 
But she had gone over to his place.
He literally cut her throat and left her to die in a park.
Some guy walking his dog found her.
He'd severed her vocal chords even.

I did go to the police station to tell them what I knew.
They sat me in an interview room
and I told them what was going on leading up to this. 

BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO JAIL.
HE WENT TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION
AND I HEARD HE'D SINCE BEEN RELEASED. 

It freaked me out when I first heard what happened. 
Because this guy, he didn't seem the type.
But he was getting really irratic and paranoid the last time I saw him. 

We were playing cards and I was cheating at the game, 
because I just wanted it to go by faster. 
He thought I was cheating, I was, 
but the time he had checked to see, I hadn't. 
If he caught me cheating at cards, would he have tried to kill me?

When I saw those knives, I had a bad feeling. 
I didn't think anything of the bad feeling, to me, at the time, 
it was just a bad feeling. I couldn't translate it. 
I just knew it had something to do with the knives. 

And normally, I can look at them without getting any feeling.
Because it's common to have them in the kitchen. 
And most people don't have any kind of inclinations... 

But I did tell the cops that he has a work truck. 
Which is what he used to dump her in the park. 
So her DNA would have been all over it. 

I never met her, but I think of her from time to time. 
I rarely think of that guy... But it bugs me he didn't go to jail.
And he had visitation days where he could leave the property
of the hospital... He could have killed her.
Pretty much tried to. 
Should have been attempted murder. 

Like that guy on the Greyhound...
This was years ago, but another example.
A guy had a knife on a bus. 
He stabbed the kid sitting next to him, 
pretty sure he cut his head off, and placed it on the dash. 
Cut the guy's ears off and was saving them for later or something. 
I think he actually ate parts of the guy...
All while horrified passengers were watching this all go down.
They all ran off the bus. Buddy was beyond saving.
But if ONE person got the knife away from the guy, 
and tackled him down or whatever, he could have had a chance. 

Anyway, THAT guy didn't get prison either. 
He got sent to a 'facility' where he got 'treatment'
AND GUESS WHAT? HE'S BEEN RELEASED. 

Canada's justice system is fooked if both these guys
DIDN'T SERVE ANY TIME FOR WHAT THEY DID.
AND THEY ARE RELEASED NOW. 
OUT THERE, SOMEWHERE.

Bus dude even got a NEW IDENTITY.
Not even kidding!!! He did. 
Like he gets a second chance at society, 
AFTER HE KILLED SOMEONE, 
CUT HIS HEAD OFF, DISPLAYED IT FOR EVERYONE...
ATE SOME OF HIM... 

Even a LIFE sentence is only 25 years in Canada.
Life doesn't mean life, it's 25 years. That's it.
Then they might get parole. 

How is that justice for her and for him?
THEY DIDN'T GO TO JAIL!
They didn't get 25 years or even close!

And to give the guy a new IDENTITY when he got OUT?!

The youth criminal justice system is pretty bad, too.
There's a case, I think it was in BC.

A teen was beaten and drowned.
The teens that killed her got something like 10 years. If that.
Because of their ages at the time or the crime. 
But if you're old enough to do that, you're old enough to pay for it. 
It is horrendous. Where's the justice?

The cops had no problem shooting that kid on a bus in Toronto
THEY SHOT HIM 6 TIMES! And he didn't hurt or kill anyone. 
He was threatening to, but he didn't.

BUT THE GUY WHO CUT THE GUY'S HEAD OFF?
THEY DIDN'T SHOOT HIM ONCE, LET ALONE 6 TIMES.
Pretty much a slap on the wrist and a new IDENTITY!!!!
Welcome to Canada, folks!

Where guys follow girls into and out of buildings, 
pull it out, cut you off on the sidewalk... 
Then the rest I just wrote about... 

Oh! A video I saw recently. 
In Toronto, a guy was trying to steal a car, 
the driver took off and the guy tried to steal another car, 
that driver took off, so the guy TRIED TO STEAL A FIRETRUCK. 
WAS PUNCHING AFIREFIGHTER IN THE HEAD!
THE DRIVER IN THE HEAD!!!

Passerbys stopped and pulled the guy off the firetruck. 
I didn't see the rest of the video. It was a clip. 
I've been watching Moose on the Loose.
He played the clip. 

But this is the type of crap that comes into our Country. 
I'm not against immigration, but there are instances
where DEPORTATION IS WARRANTED.

You can't jump on a firetruck, try to steal it... FFS.
LIKE WHO TF DOES THAT GUY THINK HE IS?!?

YOU CAN'T JUST DO WTF YOU WANT TO.
WE DON'T WANT THAT CRAP UP IN HERE.

Whoever was recording it was like:
"What's going on?!" How do you even... 
It doesn't really compute due to the insanity. 
Not every day you see some joker trying to steal a firetruck. 
And not right in front of you... In Canada nonetheless.

Must of been on drugs, or you'd hope that it wasn't him 
just being sober and acting like that...
That's the kind of crap CRACK does to people.
Seems like a crackhead thing to do, right?

Or did they just take him to the hospital, too?
Revolving doors with new identities. 

The clip from the song from the show....
You'll never guess my secret identity!!!