That's The Thing

Witten about these kinds of things before. 
About how when someone EXPECTS something from you
That you were giving, freely. 
Because you wanted to. 

But when you STOP doing it, and they get MAD
That you stopped...
It doesn't mean you should resume
JUST BECAUSE THEY GET MAD
FOR NOT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT.

Wasn't what I wanted, at all. 
So why should I KEEP BEING GENEROUS
WHEN I ALREADY WAS
AND WASN'T VALUED.

Of course I'd like to be valued
For more than my generousity. 

But valued enough to actually appreciate it
AND NOT TAKE IT AS A GIVEN
THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE.
BECAUSE I WON'T. 

Who's going to have their back like I did?
For the reasons that I did?

If they get that, from someone else, cool.
But not from me. 

But they were lucky they ever got anything from me.
Because I don't owe him sh*t. 

Even packing his things and my brother and his bud
took his things TO him
Didn't owe him that either.

I didn't have to bring my ex's things to him
AFTER HE LEFT THEM AT MY PLACE.
AFTER PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD.

I did a lot of things for people I never had to do!
They don't get it.

The thing is that all the BS people put out there.
WILL GET RIGHT BACK TO THEM. 
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

They can only be mad at themselves
FOR THE DECISIONS THEY MADE.
MAKE YOUR BED, LIE IN IT.

Do you think I'm not paying my dues?
In some way or another?

Yes, I am. 
For wanting what I wanted. 
Having done the things I did.
For the wrong reasons. 

That's the same way it goes for everyone else.
They have their dues, too. 
And when it comes back around. 
EVERY LITTLE THING THEY EVER DID...
EVERY SINGLE THOUGHTLESS THING THEY EVER DID...

It comes back.
I know this because I have lived it. 
I'm still living it. Every. Day.
I will be living it. So will everyone else.
Whether they want to admit and/or accept it or not. 

Here on earth, we have a physical jail. 
On the other side, there's spiritual jail. 
When even your ancestors come back to whoop your @ss.
Because they didn't make the sacrifices THEY MADE
FOR US TO BE F*CK UPS.
AND THROW OUR LIVES AWAY.
OVER SOME BS.

Sometimes we get given what we prayed for. 
Just sometimes we don't see it until it's too late.
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT READY FOR IT.

And we get given it to test us to see if we are ready. 
IF WE ARE NOT, WE LOSE IT.
THE GIFT we were given. 

Like loyalty... Love. Respect. Etc.
Because if you throw it away, you throw it away. 

Don't throw it away and TELL ME THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO DID.
I won't take responsibility for anyone throwing anything away with me. 
They wanted to, they did. End. Of. Story. 

But it's not the end. 

Not when you have to go through what you have to go through
FOR THROWING SOMETHING AWAY.

It's like winning the lotto, but you throw away the ticket.

I'm not calling myself the lotto or a jackpot or a prize in any way.
This is more about things in life THAT YOU CAN'T BUY.
BECAUSE THERE'S NO PRICE ON IT.

It either comes from your heart, or it comes from somewhere else.
If it comes from somewhere else, it's mostly about being greedy.
Or thinking you deserve something you don't.
Or wanting something you could have had, 
when you had the chance to have it, 
but didn't want it when you had it.
OR DIDN'T WANT IT ENOUGH.

Until it's gone and you realize what it was, all along. 
AND YOU CAN'T GET IT BACK.
Because you didn't want it when you had the chance to have it.

That's been me, in a way. 
Didn't want me when they had the chance or CHANCES to be with me. 
For us to be together...
Didn't want it. Don't have to want it. 
Definitely not just because I did...

BUT DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH ME.

If you don't want it, from the start...
Don't play with me like you do. 
Then spend years treating me like I don't matter.
Because that only means one thing to me. 
It means you obviously don't want it, 
and in that case SAY IT.

BUT DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DO
ONLY TO ACT LIKE YOU DON'T. 

I HAVE NO TIME OR PATIENCE
FOR MIXED SIGNALS AND BS. 

Just straight up, be REAL, and honest. 
If you can't, you're not right for me. That's just fact.

If you want to think I think I'm better than everyone else
BECAUSE I CAN BE REAL AND HONEST.
THEN GO AHEAD AND THINK IT. 
Does it change anything about who I actually am?
When someone thinks something about me
that isn't true? Or remotely true?

Why should I have to wear a mask and be fake af?
Just because so many people are like that...
Does that mean I have to be, too?

Just to 'fit in' with a bunch of fakers
who just want to be fakers
WHO COULDN'T KEEP IT REAL
IF IT WAS AS EASY AS POURING WATER.

And why would I even want that?
To get something out of it?
Like they thought they'd get something out of
doing me the way they did
BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE
Who wanted to stand in the way for whatever reasons. 

And it's not my fault that they can't see that.

So what should I do with this mirror
Since I don't have to shove it in anyone's face....

It reminds me of someone saying that there were planes
that kept flying over his house.
Someone suggested taking a mirror and blinding them with it. 

But when they are already blinded by their own BS...
Because they have their head so far up their own @ss...
Wouldn't know a breath of fresh air from a wet fart.

And is THAT my fault?

Was it anyone's fault that I was blinded by my own BS?
That I had my head so far up my own @ss?
That I couldn't tell the difference?

No? Then why is it mine?

Simply put, I don't ask for a lot.
But I shouldn't have to ask for something I shouldn't have to ask for. 
And I shouldn't be asking for anything I think I deserve
WHEN I DON'T.

BECAUSE I AM NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING.
THAT IS WHY I RARELY ASK FOR ANYTHING.

AND WHEN OR IF I EVEN DO, 
IT'S SOMETHING VERY LITTLE. 

Like I shouldn't be asking people
NOT TO DO X,Y,Z TO ME.
Because you'd think it goes without saying
that x,y,z are not cool.

And the further you push me away, 
the further I'll be away. 
AND I DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK. 
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WANT TO GO BACK.
To what? Having to ask for something others don't have to?
BECAUSE IT'S COMMON DECENCY
NOT TO DO X,Y,Z
Let alone do it in my face.
TO.MY.FACE.

But when they eventually realize
they shouldn't play games with me, 
that they shouldn't have played games with me. 

That they didn't have to do a bunch of things.
In general, let alone to me. 

If they were being CONSIDERATE,
They wouldn't do those things, right?

So then why does it take ME WALKING AWAY
For them to GET that I'm not here for that sh*t.
I've NEVER been here for that sh*t. 

If you're thinking I'm trying to take your masculinity away from you. 
BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO MAN UP.
That's YOU thinking that.
And YOU refusing to man up.

Has nothing to do with what I'm doing. 
ALL I AM TRYING TO DO
IS GET YOU TO SEE THAT.

But how can I? Why not just dismiss me?
for trying to get you to see something
YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE.

Don't have to shove the mirror in someone's face.
It's true. That's why it stuck with me.

But does YOU not wanting to see it
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?

Did ME not wanting to see it
HAVE TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE?
No? Why? Because it had everything to do with ME.
That's why.

So that's what keeps getting me. 
That so many people aren't getting this. 
Is it because they don't have the capacity to even THINK?

Because you kind of have to think to realize things. 
If you're not thinking, what are you realizing? Anything?

But who am I to give anyone anything to think about?
Who am I to stand on what I say when I have had ENOUGH.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TO TAKE ANYONE'S SH*T. 

I CAN LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK
BUT NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE. 

When you think something is funny
until you find out it's not...
That's karma. 
And karma gets the last laugh, always. 
Doesn't forget an address, a name, a number...
Just.Kicks.Your.@ss
For being an @ss.

Making a mockery out of something
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SACRED. 
That could have been...
Had they wanted it when I did.
I can stop wanting what I once wanted. 
I don't have to hold out for anything.

Does it matter now?
That everything in my life that could have been sacred...
Could have been as important to them as it was to me.
But why was it important to me when it wasn't to them?
Why did I keep trying when all I was doing was spinning my wheels...
How could they have known how far it could have gone?
Until they took it too far?

And then WHY would they want to spin the block?
Oh, she was LOYAL to me. 
She was caring and considered some things about me. 
She was as understanding as she could be. 
Until I did something in her face.
That she obviously doesn't appreciate.
AND DOES NOT RESPECT.
How am I supposed to have respect for that?

Why does it take for me to walk away
for them to GET that I have NO problem doing it?
I should have ALREADY.
Because I was already GIVEN reasons... 

So why should I hold out all hope
that when they try to spin the block... 
that things will have changed?

Obviously they got too comfortable
TO EVEN THINK
THAT I WAS DOWN FOR ANY OF THAT.

But no, make ME the problem. 
Because I have A problem with something.
THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. 

You see why, now, at 40 that none of it is even worth it to me?
BECAUSE I KNEW HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN. 
IF THEY HAD WANTED IT THAT WAY.

You don't get to reject me A BILLION TIMES
BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU...

AND THEN... Try to be like "sorry."
When they didn't have to be about anything
that they're supposedly sorry about.

Didn't have to be about it in the first place. 
But I'm the psycho for telling them that?
And they are 'terrified' of me. 
YET NOT WHEN THEY DO SH*T IN MY FACE. 
Not terrified of me then, just afterwards.

They could have had enough respect for me.
NOT TO DO SH*T TO ME IN MY FACE.
LET ALONE AT ALL...

But the thing is...
Them doing things when I already know why they are doing it.
Yet they can't admit it to me.

And what p*sses them off about me
is they know that I know that they know that I know.
That's what p*sses them off. 
Because I'm not supposed to know it.
Let alone bring it up to them. 
To see if they'll admit it or not. 

That's what p*sses them off. 
Maybe that's why they think that I think I'm better than everyone. 
Because I can see through that sh*t. 
And the only way they can play games
Is if I don't. 

When I make it known that I know...
That's when things change. 
Because that depends on whether or not they want to admit it. 
But I'd rather them admit it to themselves than to me.

Knowing why they don't want to see it...
And why they are doing it. 
They don't like it. 
It makes me public enemy #1.

I point things out to people just by being myself. 

And they know I have a point. 
Whether they'd rather hear it from anyone, but me...
I still have a point. 

"but just because you have a point..."
Is there a point of making it?

Or is there a way where the whole point is point itself. 
Not making the point. 
Because it's a point that can easily make itself. 
With little to effort on my part?

Because I know there are ways.
Ways that work. 
Where I don't have to shove a mirror in anyone's faces...
Where they can't help but to see themselves.
Without me having to do or say much. 
Where they show themselves to themselves.
Like auto-reveal. 

But yet they'd still blame me
For them revealing themselves to themselves. 
Because that's somehow my fault like I'm doing it. 
When they are actually doing it to themselves.

If I or anyone puts themselves in a position to lose something
that they can't get back. 
THEY PUT THEMSELVES IN THAT POSITION. 

I did all kinds of things to myself. 
Including putting myself in all kinds of positions. 
I didn't even have to be in.
And just because you think something's there
Or could be there.
DOESN'T MEAN IT IS OR HAS TO BE.

It kind of reminds me of something I read.
It was about how someone lost their keys in the house
and went outside looking for them...
Why look for something somewhere it isn't?

It's like when I lose something...
I'm looking everywhere, where it could be...
Don't find it where it isn't. 
Because you can't. It's not there.

But the last place you think to look...
Because that can't possibly be where it's been the whole time...
Not right under my nose...

As an example...
I got pretty high with my cousins at my mom's wedding reception. 
I had something IN MY HAND THE WHOLE TIME.
I WAS HOLDING IT WITHOUT REALIZING IT, 
BUT BECAUSE I DIDN'T REALIZE IT, 
I WAS LOOKING FOR IT.

Mind you, I was high af. But that's an analogy.

You know that "I feel foolish" feeling?
When you had something in your hand the whole time?
Yeah, well how many things are in your "hands" the whole time?
Meaning that those things are up to you?

So why look to me or someone else to blame?
When you're the one who had it right in your hands
the whole time. You can't find it where it isn't. 
You only find it where it is.
Not where it should be or could be. 
Where it is. 

It's like telling someone something is in their hands.
They have a choice to make. 
They can't blame me for choices THEY made.

My brother finally got it and I had to kick him out, too. 
For him to realize I'm "not a drop in center." His exact words.

Should I have learned before it got to this point?
That I didn't have to let it get to this point?
By walking away so much sooner than this?

I wouldn't have a broken mirror and a thermos of p*ss. 
If I said F this a long time ago.

But what was I trying to prove? That I cared?
Until I stopped... Because did he?
Or just making excuses like he was 'terrified' of me.
Why not be terrified of your excuses?

Why not be ashamed?
For seeing MY strength as YOUR weakness
And then do whatever to try to take YOUR power BACK
When you had it ALL ALONG. 

And why do I have to get to the point
that I'm even showing you my strength or having to?
Is the point to blame me for bringing out your insecurities?
Do your insecurities have anything to do with me?

Do mine have anything to do with you? They don't?
Then yours have nothing to do with me. 

Because it's true... That's what's terrifying. 

There's a saying:
Just because you block out the sun, 
doesn't mean it's gone away. 

Same goes for the truth. 
The truths about ourselves. It hasn't gone away.
Just because we try to block it out.

By putting the blame on someone else.
When it has nothing to do with them at all.

Like my resentment coming from being resentful. 
How people's hatred comes from being hateful. 
How spite comes from being spiteful.
How disrespect comes from being disrespectful. 
How ignorance comes from being ignorant.
The list goes on. But I don't. Not for tonight. 

I'm going to bed.