I Don't Have To Want That Anymore

There were years when I was depressed over not being married. 
Like I wasn't good enough to marry and be with. 
YET SO MANY PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE
THAT KIND OF DEVOTION...

And those "spouses" who do them in
FOR INSURANCE MONEY.
Or for whatever "reasons."

The fact, alone, that often it's a spouse or partner
and I already got punched in the head.

And I don't have to want to be with anyone
who would punch me in the head or otherwise.
Or break my things or otherwise.

Or leaves a thermos of p*ss ffs.

Or wants to try to flaunt other girls IN MY FACE.
You know what happens when that happens?
"You can have all the girls you want, just not me."
Because those types of games to try to make me jealous.
WILL BACKFIRE IN YOUR FACE
BECAUSE I DON'T GET JEALOUS ANYMORE. 
Why? Because I don't have to. 

Either want me, or want that. 
If you want that, cool. Deuces. 

I don't have to be "pick me."
Because although they could "pick me"
ARE THEY RIGHT FOR ME?
ARE THEY ABOUT GAMES AND BS?
DO THEY HAVE THEIR HEAD UP THEIR @SS
SO FAR THEYCAN'T TELL A BREATH OF FRESH AIR
FROM A WET FART.

(I came up with that one. Pretty proud of that one.)

But it's true. How can you tell the difference
when their head is so far up there
they're crowning themselves with their own colon. 
Colon crown. Crowned clown. 

If they didn't want it when I wanted it, fine. 
BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO F AROUND TO FIND OUT.
If that's the way they wanted it, they got it. 
I'm on my path. Nothing anyone can do about that.

I feel I've been sidetracked enough with "dating"
I could have been focusing on so many other things. 

But I guess my insecurities got to me...
Just that I never felt the need to flaunt anything
in anyone's face just to feel secure about myself. 

Not really sure what the point of that even is. 
It only "works" on people who get jealous. 
All it does to me is turn me "off"
It's not attractive to me. Quite the opposite.

"Look what I've got..."
Yeah... And? And what?

If that makes people think I'm better than everyone
Because that turns me off
And I also have higher standards for myself, now. 
I'm not just going to accept everything and anything from anyone. 
Because I don't have to want that anymore. 

Crumbs don't look good to me. 
Crumbs make me want to laugh.

Like I was saying the other night...
It isn't my fault that anyone can't see something. 
Even when it's blatantly obvious. 
Even when it's staring them in the face.

It's either they don't want to see it. 
Saw it, don't like it. 
Saw it, and they know you saw it, too. 
Or refuse to, then put that on me. 

Maybe the people asking me
"Where's your success story?"
Are actually part of it, unbeknown to them. 
Maybe even despite them. 
Despite them, everyone around them, 
everyone and everything around me, too. 

Despite everything and anything I've been through.

I've had to become stronger than how I felt back then. 
Stronger than "needing" to drink. To "cope."
Stronger than even my desires...
Stronger than my hopes and wishes. 
And nobody can take that away from me. 
In NO power plays...
Because if they TRY that.
They'll see why it doesn't work with me.

If you want to "control" me, control yourself. 
In any way. Trying to "hurt" me emotionally...
Even psychologically... 
With immature BS
Sure, it can sting... 

When you do something to ME
you wouldn't do to someone you want to KEEP
in your life... 

When I know for a fact there are people
YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO...
YET YOU DO IT TO ME? BYE.

They try to "control" me because they think they can. 
When they realize they can't, they get MAD.
Because THEY WANT TO.
WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO...
However, you can control yourself
BY NOT TRYING TO CONTROL ME.
In any way. Including trying to make me jealous
Of your "other options" because that doesn't work
And it backfires in your face. Nice try lol.

"I can have anyone I want."
Not true, because you can't have me.

I'm not here to stroke anyone's inflated ego.
If they want that, go look somewhere else for that.
I will POP that bubble. 
Because it needs to be POPPED.

Either I pop it, or I let circumstances etc
POP IT. And that won't have anything to do with me. 

It bugs me. "Sorry, I made a mistake."
Yeah, you did, but it was by choice.

I've made lots of "mistakes" too.
BUT I COULD HAVE MADE BETTER CHOICES.
Because there were many other routes to go, 
that I could have taken.
But, I was focused on trying to deal with my insecurities
through "dating."

Is it depressing that I was only looked at like a fling?
Nothing serious? Wasn't taken seriously?

Why? Others got in the way?
But THEY WERE ALLOWED TO GET IN THE WAY.
BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY
WHEN I ACTUALLY HAD REAL FEELINGS.

But it taught me. What I want and what I don't. 
And not to stick around for more of what I don't want. 
Because...  Who has the time to waste on that crap?

Pretty sure I've known all along what I want and what I don't. 

Just too many people about their BS
that I just don't want what I wanted anymore.

Let's just say that there's probably a very low percentage
Of people out there who don't play games, 
who know that if they do certain things...
I WILL WALK AWAY AND HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO.

And just because they get mad that I'm not about their BS...
It doesn't mean I SHOULD STAY FOR MORE BS.
I have EVERY RIGHT not to stay for ANY BS.
I have EVERY RIGHT not to want to. 
Just like they have every right not to.
Everyone does. 

I have every right not to give more chances for more BS.
So does everyone else.

I learned the hard way by losing people
WHO ACTUALLY MEANT A LOT TO ME.
Because I did things to warrant that.

So it shouldn't have come as a shock or a surprise. 
Because I asked for it with how I was being. 
Especially because I didn't have to be that way. 

So it shouldn't come as a shock or a surprise
When they ask for it with how they are being. 
Especially because they didn't have to be that way. 

Being that way and realizing you don't have to be...
Or realizing that you have other options
Regarding how you could be...

And actually not being the way that warrants
someone to walk away...

Are two different things. 
Being VS realizing. 

That caught me up for a couple of decades.

And also acting impulsively. 
Regrettably so. 

When I was drinking, it was even worse. 
Because the frontal lobes of the brain, 
are affected by alcohol when you consume it. 
That's why drunken judgment isn't sound judgment. 

When you spend a good chunk of your life drinking. 
AND START DRINKING BEFORE YOUR BRAIN
IS FULLY DEVELOPED, 
It affects development, let's just say.

That goes back to Rip.
When we ended up chugging.

HE WAS A PRO. 
Not because he was older than me...
I was 14, he was 50. 

It was because he'd literally been drinking his whole life.
HIS PARENTS USED TO PUT IT IN HIS BOTTLE.
To get him to sleep. 
Imagine giving alcohol to a BABY?
But when you have that kind of tolerance, 
It takes a lot more to actually get drunk. 
Same with getting high. 

If you smoke w33d, and you take a break from it.
When you smoke again, after a while, you get high. 

If you smoke it every day, not only does it not last as long...
You get so used to it, that it's just a regular thing. 

Someone who did/or still does hard stuff. 
(Writing about these isn't an endorsement).

He said that many addicts consume it, 
just to feel 'normal.'
Because that's the new 'normal.'

NOT BECAUSE YOU NEED IT.
I didn't NEED alcohol, I just THOUGHT I did.
Because it got to the point that I could just get drunk
and wallow in my misery... 
Pretty much what I did for a chunk of my life.

A chunk of my life I can't get back. 
A chunk of wallowing in my misery. 
Instead of doing productive and conducive things. 

And I've never really been a party person.
I used to want to go to parties, but I never got to go. 

Because I wasn't "the cool girl"
I was "the extremely insecure girl."
People can smell it a mile away.  

Plus, I had my hobbies that I still have. 
So it wasn't that bad.

Just sometimes, I wish I had those special memories.
Like I didn't get to go to PROM. 
My school didn't have one. 

Would my ex have gone with me?
He didn't go to my high school grad.
Didn't go with me to my college grad party.

That night will stick with me forever.
One of the guys felt bad that I didn't have a date, 
so he was nice enough to pour me a drink. 
That small gesture meant something to me. 
AS MUCH AS IT'S SILLY TO SAY THAT.

But I guess it meant something to me
BECAUSE IT WAS A MOMENT OF RECOGNITION. 

I don't like the fact that it means as much to me as it does.
Not because some people know that, 
but I think because too many people don't. 

So why not just spill all my guts here?
Any other better place?

In a way, being honest, here, 
is a way to be honest to myself. 
If that makes any sense.

Sometimes I feel like nothing I say makes any sense. 
Or any difference whatsoever.
Maybe because I've been gaslit so damn much. 
EASY TO THINK YOU ARE CRAZY
When everyone keeps trying to tell you that you are.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DEAL
WITH THEIR OWN MESSES.

Easy to dismiss someone and refuse to look at
Or even see some things. 

But trying to shove a mirror in their face. 
Is trying to FORCE them to look. 

Why would they want to be forced to do
something they don't want to do?

Then how do you get them to without trying to force it?
Without them knowing that you are showing them. 
Because if they know, they can try to blame you
for whatever they see in themselves.
That they don't want to see or look at, or touch for that matter.

Maybe because it tarnishes the image they have of themselves.
Pops the inflated ego.
And tarnishes the image they want others to have of them. 
Humbles them to the core. 

But another thing that happens is the paradigm...
It gets altered in ways many people don't like. 
Not only do they not like it, they don't know what to do with it.

That's what's been happening to me.
The old paradigm is outdated. 
Not only is it outdated, but it doesn't serve my purpose. 
Or A purpose. 
Because its purpose was to hide my insecurities. 
Instead of working on them, and myself. 

You can block out the sun, but it doesn't go away.
You can do your best to  hide your insecurities, but they don't go away.
UNTIL YOU OVERCOME WHATEVER
YOUR INSECURITIES ARE ATTACHED TO.

Which is usually your self-esteem. 
Mine took hit, after hit, after hit, after hit.
Until I realized - It doesn't have to.

The biggest hit was my belief that I wasn't worth it. 
Because if I was, I'd already have that, right?
If I had it, at the time, I wasn't READY for it. 
Not everyone is ready for me, either.

Or ready to realize some things that they could. 
But I can't tell anyone to realize it, I can't force it, 
I can't get mad at them for not realizing it.
EVEN WHEN IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD
BECAUSE IT'S COMMON SENSE.

I can only write about what I've realized. 
I could tell people but, "where's your success story?"
What about all the things I've overcome
THAT NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT?

I did THAT successfully. 
I successfully walked away from BS.

All the things that nobody gives me credit for...
Because they don't see it, they don't know it.
So how could they give me credit for that?
Even if they do see it...
It matters that I give MYSELF credit
For how far I've actually come.
If nobody sees or knows, but me... 
That doesn't matter.

I've been thinking of a particular pool
That I was allowed to go to by myself, when I was 8 or 9. 
My Grandmother used to give me an "allowance" at Church
every Sunday, she'd give me $2.
I'd save my money to pay to use the pool. 

And I loved it. Especially being on my own.
Pretty sure that's where I learned how to float on my back. 
It took a lot of convincing that I'd be okay
and that I'd actually float...
Because someone was teaching me.
She taught me a lot. And thinking about how grateful I am
To have had her in my life, gets the tears flowing. 

Knowing that without her... I might not have developed
in the ways she helped me to develop. 
The ways other people could have helped me. 
But she knew it was important for me. 
That also speaks to how recognition means something to me. 
Her recognizing my needs in certain areas.

She's not my mother.
But she helped me as though she was.
If that makes sense.

So despite the recognition I didn't get.
Even about my need for development...
From people who should have recognized it and could have.

I see it in my son, the ways he is like me. 
Has things to overcome, up to him when he is ready to. 
I couldn't be forced into changes I wasn't ready to make. 
Just because I could have made changes in my own life
doesn't even mean that I knew how. 

I'm still figuring that out. 
But at least I have more of a handle on it now. 
Than I did when I was in the thick of it.

And I know what it's like and how it feels
to be in the thick of it.

But I was in the thick of it by my own design.
I designed and resigned myself to the thick of it. 
And in the thick of it, I felt stuck, hopeless...
INSECURE. 

Until I realized a few things:
I can redesign.
The thickness doesn't have to have me in a headlock. 
The thickness doesn't have to wring my neck. 
The thickness doesn't have to choke me out. 
Because I don't have to let it. That's why.

Was I comfortable with myself, in my own skin
when I was letting the thickness get me in a headlock?
When I was letting the thickness wring my neck?
When I was letting the thickness choke me out?
Nope. Only when I stopped letting it. 

When you choose to step OUT of the thickness. 
Whether the thickness is ugliness, 
Whether the thickness is pure misery...
Whether it is anything but comfortable...

When you step OUT of it...
It becomes separate from YOU.
It becomes something that you can see for what it is.
When you can see it for what it is, 
you don't have to step back INTO IT.

There's an analogy that kind of fits with that. 
To describe it better...

I read a pretty good book called "Diamond Heart"
and it was kind of speaking along the lines of multi-faceted-ness.
Sometimes you gotta describe something with words you make up. 

It goes like this:

There's falling into a hole you didn't know was there.
Then there's falling into a hole you know is there.
Then there's knowing there's a hole there
AND NOT FALLING INTO IT.
Because you know it's there.
Because you saw it for what it is. A hole. 
Even if you put a board across the hole to walk over it, 
THE HOLE IS STILL THERE.

But another thing that the author of the book wrote...
The author wrote about how people think
ALL KINDS OF THINGS WILL FILL THAT HOLE...
THE VOID... THAT CASM OF EMPTINESS...

How can you see the hole in the thickness?
Like walking through a jungle and getting stuck in a hunter's trap. 
Because misery loves company... 
If you keep yourself company in your own misery....
Then you can keep yourself company in the stepping OUT
Of the misery, thickness, whatever it is.

But the hunter's trap is by your own design. 
Because it's on many levels. Emotional, Mental, Psychological...
All of the many facets of who we are, 
and even who we thought we are.

Because you can look at yourself a certain way MOST OF YOUR LIFE.
But you don't have to look at yourself that way.
And when you realize you don't have to...
IT MAKES IT SO MUCH EASIER NOT TO.

Another thing, I can speak on from experience, 
Is that I used to argue FORmy state of mind. 
And actually gave myself excuses to feel the way I felt.
Just as I had given myself excuses to drink.
To drink, do I need an excuse?
Or am  I just giving myself an excuse
TO give myself an excuse?

And what else was I making excuses for?
FOR BEING THE WAY I WAS BEING.
FOR ACTING THE WAY I WAS ACTING.
FOR THINKING THE WAY I WAS THINKING.
FOR FEELING THE WAY I WAS FEELING. 
FOR DOING WHAT I WAS DOING.
AND TO EXCUSE MYSELF FROM WHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO DO.

But giving myself excuses is one thing. 
Accepting excuses from others is another thing. 
ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS NO EXCUSE.
ESPECIALLY FOR TREATING ME
THE WAY THEY WOULDN'T TREAT ANYONE ELSE
WHO THEY WANT TO KEEP IN THEIR LIFE.

But why is it that I have to walk away
for people to realize there isn't any REAL
justification for what they try to justify. 

But at the same time, I tried to justify things.
Stupid things I did because of the way I thought.
Things I never had to do let alone try to justify. 

Is blaming things that have nothing to do with me - on me
JUSTIFIABLE?

Would it be justifiable for me to blame something on someone
WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM AT ALL?

That's been like people trying to justify treating me
HOW THEY WOULDN'T TREAT OTHERS.
AND THEN TRY TO PUT IT ON ME. 
When they could have just treated me right, the first time.

Not after they run out of chances and want another one.
Because in no way or world do I have to hand out chances like candies.

I know I blew some chances I had... 
Did that open my eyes wide enough to see where I went wrong?
Or do I get mad at THEM because I BLEW MY CHANCE?
If you blow your chance, it was your chance to blow.
Just like I blew my chances. 
So why be mad at ANYONE when it was MY chance?
And I was the one who blew it.

But when you keep giving chances like candies. 
They try to treat you like a candy store. 
I hope that makes sense.

When they treat you like a candy store, 
they'll take, take, take, take, take...

Until: "Nope, not a candy store."
And even if I was, I'm closed for business for the foreseeable future.
No more free candies.
No samples. No taking. Nothing. 

But when they get mad that there's no free candies...
That isn't my problem. 

"You were giving me free candies BEFORE.
So why not NOW!"
When all they want is the free candies.
Everything I was willing to give, from my heart.

Let them get free candies somewhere else.
Let them appreciate THOSE.
Maybe they will, maybe they won't. 

BUT IT ISN'T UP TO ME
WHETHER ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR FROM ME
IS ACTUALLY APPRECIATED.

But I can stop giving it to anyone who doesn't. 
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

And you think that when people realize
THAT I NEVER HAD TO IN THE FIRST PLACE
that, on that fact alone, it would be appreciated. 
But it isn't. Because all they see is all they CAN see.
If they don't have the capacity... 
They just don't. 

But if they don't have the capacity to understand that,
THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.

But try explaining this to anyone who doesn't want to understand that.
BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONE 
TRYING TO GET THEM TO...
If they seriously don't have the capacity to understand.
GETTING MAD AT THEM FOR NOT HAVING THE CAPACITY
ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE THEIR CAPACITY.

Getting mad at them for being any type of way, 
usually won't change how they are being. 
It sometimes gets them more into being that way. 

Like getting mad at someone for being stubborn
isn't going to change their point of view.
Just makes them stand on it even more.
 
Speaking as someone too stubborn to do what is best for myself. 
Well, having been THAT stubborn for THAT long...
But no matter how mad I even got with MYSELF, 
until my capacity GREW and I could see some things for what they are...
I didn't have the capacity, at the time.

Kind of like building a house. 
If it's a small house, can only hold so many people in it. 
But if you build extensions on the house, 
More people can fit in it.

Maybe even people who want to see you grow and succeed.
But even if they want to see you grow and succeed...
It's not up to them whether you do or not. 
It's not their house to build. 
But you can visit them at their house. 
If they accept visitors. 

After the last visitors brought bed bugs...
I don't want any visitors.

Nothing against anyone. 
I just want to keep to myself. 
And I am allowed to want that.
As much time and space as I need to make for myself. 
I don't need anyone to give me the space or time. 
That's something I can give myself. 
To do whatever I need to do.
On my own because this is MY road to travel on. 
I don't have to carpool with fools lol. 
Or always have to be the designated driver. 
That sh*t gets old fast. 

Even when you CARE that your FRIENDS
get home safely... 
How many times does anyone want to scrub puke
from the back seats?
Or down the outside of the window and door?

I can't say I've done it. Never had a car.
But it's the analogy that is important.

And when do people realize they're too old
for certain habits.

I had a convo with someone about habits.
About a particular habit that by the time you get to 40
you should have already outgrown.

He said, "Don't feel bad about it."
"It's only a stupid habit you can break if you want to."
But you gotta want to.

I won't say what the habit is, even to make a point. 
It's just a very childish habit. 
So it goes for any kind of childish habit.

It bugs me when people want to put the past in the past
When if they don't change, the past will repeat.
I'm not about repeating something that doesn't need repeating. 
Especially any BS. Games, lies, crap. 

Been there, done that. No thanks.

That's why when my ex wanted me back, I said no.
Because he had the choice NOT to punch me in the head.
And I have a choice not to give anyone the chance to do that again.
Even if they swore they wouldn't again.
The fact that he even did warrants a null.
He can't be shocked, he can't be surprised.

Any immaturity warrants a null. Any BS.
Because I don't need it or want it.
Because who does?