Suggestive

The guy I go meet to help him with his website...
He noticed my ring and asked me about it. 
It's not an engagement ring. My Grandmother gave it to me.
She told me I could pawn it if I ever got in trouble, 
but I would never.

Anyway, this guy... He's in his 70s. 
After I told him about my ring, 
he said he wanted to get me one. 
I said no, because he was suggesting marrying me. 
He was like: "Why not?"
Because I don't want to.

Then he asked me about my apartment
and was suggesting we move in together. 
Nope. Not a good idea. 

If I wanted to get married, I'd talk about it.
If I wanted to move in together, I'd talk about it. 

What bugs me is that stuff.
Sure, you might want to, but do I?
Why put me on the spot like that?
That bothers me, quite a bit. 

And that neighbor who came to "see his cat"
like giving himself an excuse to come over
BECAUSE I DIDN'T INVITE HIM OVER.

I really don't like that, at all. 
Plus, he has a bad infestation. 

He said that they told him his place has been infested for 2 years.
They had to remove the baseboards of his place. 

We're both getting sprayed tomorrow. 
So I have to leave here for 6 hours.

How many more times are they going to spray?
It will be my 8th time!!!

If they REALLY want to do something about it, 
they'd spray the whole building.
Because all it does is make them move to another unit. 
So it really doesn't do much. 
They have a spray and another treatment that is more effective. 
It's some kind of fungal treatment.

He got charged for the treatment thing. He asked me if I did.
They charged him something close to the price of RENT.
They should be responsible for their own property
and pretty sure our RENT should be covering things like that.
Especially since we've been here for years
and paid thousands in rent over those years.

Sure, if we weren't someone else would, 
but that rent money is supposed to be for things like that.

This place has sh*tty management.
Someone left their bike down in the "basement"
And they put a notice about it "if you don't claim your bike, 
WE are going to DONATE IT."
Can't you just leave someone's bike alone?

You know why I don't put anything in storage down there anymore?
Because once the pipes burst. 
My belongings GOT WET.
THEY MOVED MY THINGS SOMEWHERE.
DIDN'T TELL ME.

IF THEY TOLD ME, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN IT, 
DRIED THINGS OUT, WHATEVER.

But they moved my things, didn't tell me. 
When my things were located, since they were WET for so long, 
It got MOLD so I lost things that were sentimental to me. 
AND WHAT DID THEY DO?
THEY GAVE ME A CREDIT ON MY ACCOUNT
FOR $40 DOLLARS. That's it.
No apology... 

It's not HARD to notify someone.
"Hey, sorry about this, but come get your stuff."
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THE PIPES BURST.

I'm upset they moved my things without telling me anything. 
And what does credit on my account supposed to do?
Basically they get the money, because it's just CREDIT.
I couldn't even use the $40 to replace anything, if I could. 
I can't, but that's just a slap in the face.

This is the kind of crap they think is 'fair enough'
Would they think that's fair?
They get the money because it's just credit on my account
THAT GOES TO THEM ANYWAY. 

Isn't that insulting?

I get stuff is just stuff. 
I don't have to keep everything. 
Maybe it was time to let go of that stuff. 
But maybe that's not the way I wanted to do it. Y'know?

Pretty sure that'd tick anyone off. 
Pretty sure that THEY would feel a type of way about it.
If that was the response THEY got.
Here's $40 that's going to go to US anyway. 
What an insult. 

Here's $40 towards your rent... Gee, thanks.
Maybe I could have used that $40 for something else.
LIKE LAUNDRY.

$40 not $50, but it wouldn't matter anyway, 
because it goes right back to THEM. 
Why even bother if you're going to keep the money? FFS.
Just to say they did? That they did SOMETHING?

WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE WANTED ME TO DO?
AND THEN MAYBE DO THAT.

THAT GOES FOR EVERYTHING.

Maybe what I wanted, 
was someone not suggesting we get married.
Or move in together. 
Because I don't want that.
And that should be understood and respected
or even ACCEPTED FOR WHAT IT IS.
WHICH IS MY CHOICE.
DESPITE WHAT ANYONE WANTS.

Because it should matter what I want, too. 
Should it not?

How would it be if I was the one suggesting?
Probably would let me, but I don't want to. 
EVEN IF I DID, IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SUGGEST
ANYTHING THAT I WANT.

1) I don't do that. I know better. 
2) If they don't ask, don't ask. 
3) even IF you ask, DON'T JUST EXPECT TO GET WHAT YOU WANT.
4) I don't owe anyone everything/anything they want.
5) Even if you get p*ssed off that I say NO.

No is a complete sentence. No means no.
No doesn't mean maybe or ask me AGAIN.
It means no and I shouldn't have to explain why I say no.
It shouldn't matter WHY I say no.
Or why YOU say no. It's just NO.

That's it, that's all. 
Even when my son was a baby, he knew
AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT NO MEANS.
He'd cry about it, because that meant
that he couldn't get into whatever he was trying to get into.

Also, if I couldn't get across the room FAST ENOUGH
to stop him from doing something, 
I CLAPPED MY HANDS TO GET HIS ATTENTION.
Then when I had his attention, I'd tell him no
AND HE WOULD STOP DOING
WHATEVER HE WAS DOING
THAT HE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING. 

What happened was that a neighbor heard me
CLAPPING MY HANDS AND TELLING MY SON "NO."
THOUGHT I WAS HITTING HIM. 
NOT CLAPPING MY HANDS. 
And heard him crying...
Because he knows what NO means... 
I guess I can see why they thought that.

So I had to explain that to CAS.
Because, yes, they called CAS.

That I CLAPPED to get his attention. 

Anyway, that's the story about why I don't store
anything in the basement. 

That's the story of what happened to my belongings
that I was storing down there.
That's the story of how I was "refunded."

That's the story of how I taught my son. 

Kids have the potential to be way smarter
than we give them credit for.
Even at a very early age.
But gotta teach them very early. 

At the same time, people who are too stubborn to learn...

My son told me "You're so stubborn!"
Yeah? And how do you think YOU'RE being?

Recall how I said I used to argue FOR my state of mind?
Because I kept up with my beliefs
that contributed to that state of mind... 

That's the shift in the paradigm. 
Removing all that junk. 

Did I have to argue FOR my state of mind?
Did I have to believe what I believed?
Nope.
It also means that I don't have to argue FOR a bunch of things.

But I didn't get that at my son's age. 
And it's not like he can have
these kinds of conversations with his father.

I couldn't/can't have these conversations with my mother.
Or many other people for that matter.

There were times I couldn't even have these conversations
WITH MYSELF. 

And talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy. 
It can used as a tool to enforce things for yourself. 
You listen to your own thoughts, right?
Even thoughts you're not 100% aware you're having. 

Because something like 90% of your thoughts
ARE THOUGHTS YOU KEEP HAVING. 

Instead of what? Giving yourself new things to think about?
That's what I had to do. But I separated myself
from most people in my life to do it.

It also took for me to just isolate myself
to figure out what I really want out of life.
Despite what everyone else wants
and despite what everyone thinks I should want. 
Because I don't have to want something
just because they want me to want it.

Should I want to marry a 70 year old?
Just because HE wants to claim me as HIS?
Should I want him to move in with me?
Just because he wants me to want him to?

I don't have to want something/anything
just because someone wants me to want that.
Nobody does. Y'know?

It gets uncomfortable. 
Especially when people keep bringing it up.
I said what I said the FIRST TIME.
It doesn't mean "keep asking until you get what you want." FFS.

But through ALL the BS in my life... 
I've learned to have stronger boundaries
BECAUSE F PUTTING UP WITH ANY OF THAT.

That's the kind of stuff that should be taught in school. 
HOW TO HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

So you don't end up going with
SOMETHING SOMEONE WANTS JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT THAT
WHEN YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO.

You know how many things I went with
just because someone wanted me to?

EVEN WHEN I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO?

Do you know how mad at myself, that I still am...
BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO AND DIDN'T?
Do you know how much I still kick myself
FOR NOT SAYING NO WHEN I SHOULD HAVE?

I should have told MYSELF no. To a lot of things.
That's why it's okay to talk to yourself. 
To talk yourself out of going with something
that you ought to have said NO to.

To even respect your own boundaries. Y'know?
Yeah, it's cool to respect your OWN boundaries.

I bet that's not being taught at school.

Not by teachers who abuse their power.
To sleep with their students FFS.
Why would THEY teach THEM THAT?!?

TO MAKE THEM COMPLIANT. 
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE.

There are at least 2 ways that we can take advantage of ourselves.
1) When we don't say no to ourselves
2) When we let others take advantage by not saying NO.

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SAY NO!!!
No matter who wants you to say yes.
No matter WHY they want you to say yes.
You don't have to say YES.
No matter how anyone feels about that.
It's not their choice, it's YOURS.

Tell ANYONE who needs to hear it.
If it's a talk you can have over dinner, or whatever.
Go for a walk and talk. About that and anything else.

IF SOMEONE NEEDS TO HEAR THAT
AND YOU CAN BE THE ONE TO TELL THEM,
TELL THEM!!!

Even remind yourself, if you need to.
Because there's nobody to tell you that you can't. 
YOU shouldn't even tell yourself that you can't. 
Even remind yourself in your own thoughts
if you don't want to say it out loud.

That's what I mean about giving yourself new things to think about. 
That's why I write posts like these.

Because I know how important that is. 
Because I've gone through too much crap. 
You probably have, too. 

Even if you have to tell yourself:
"No. Don't do that."
Because it could save you from putting yourself through
something you don't have to put yourself through.

It shouldn't bother me people lying about me
to prevent someone from seeing me, the real me.
Because if they saw my GOOD QUALITIES...
That might mean something... IDK.

But it's happened to me so many times...
It's pretty childish but it still happens at 40 freaking years old...
Kind of late to play those games?

There are reasons why, though. To get something out of it.
So you have to ask yourself:
What are they trying to get out of this?
What is it that they want?
Even secretly want...

Because people who have an agenda
aren't going to tell you what their agenda is.

Because if they told you, 
they'd be putting you in the position to say NO.
So why would they do that?

Having an agenda is about manipulation. 

What bugs me is when people think I have an agenda
WHEN I ACTUALLY DON'T. 

But that goes with being judged on assumptions. 

People can ASSUME I have an agenda, 
but just because a lot of people do, 
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO HAVE ONE, TOO.

If anything, my agenda has to do with my goals. 
Goals that have nothing to do with using or lying to people. 
Nothing to do with fakery or BS.
Nothing to do with thievery. 
Nothing to do with dishonesty. 
Nothing to do with playing games.

ALL IT HAS TO DO WITH IS LEVELING UP
FOR MYSELF. 

But not off anyone's back. 
OFF MY OWN BACK.

That's it, that's all. 

Not to compete with anyone. 
Not to GET something from anyone. 
And definitely not to TAKE anything from anyone.

Because everything that is their choice is THEIR choice. 
It's not for me to persuade anyone to do anything. 
Or be 'suggestive' about anything I want. 

It's not for me to do that.
But it's not for me to STOP someone
from getting something that could be or might be coming to them. 
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

If people can't see that the things I do
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
ARE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS...
Then I don't know what to tell them....

And what CAN I tell them if they are CONVINCED
THAT THEIR ASSUMPTIONS ARE TRUE?
OR THE LIES TOLD ABOUT ME ARE TRUE?

What can I do about that? What should I be doing about that?

SHOULD I TRY TO FORCE THE TRUTH DOWN THEIR THROAT?
EVEN TO 'CLEAR' MY NAME?

Or is it even worth it?