Keep Things To Yourself

Not everyone is your friend or wishes you well. 
Sometimes people actually want to see you fail. 
Because somehow, to them, they win when you fail. 

I've had this happen to me. 
Concerning a few who were jealous of me
who wanted to sabotage in any little way they could. 
Any stupid little way. 

They want to see you fail because it makes them feel better
About themselves. 

Because you WINNING makes them feel crappy
That they aren't winning, too. 

Jealousy and envy are REAL.

I'm not saying everyone's been jealous of me
or has every reason to be.

I've had a few instances here and there.
It's actually surprising to me, honestly. 

Because there aren't any real reasons to be.
There aren't many things I even really pride myself in. 
(except sometimes some witty analogies I come up with on the fly).

Other than that, maybe some skills I have that they don't. 
But I never looked at someone and wanted them to FAIL
to try to make myself feel better about myself. 

Wishing I could do/be/have something/anything
never meant I had to try to do anything out of envy or jealousy. 
Instead, it's cool to admire people. 
Nothing wrong with admiration. 

Quite a few things I admire. 
Quite a few people. Their good qualities. 
Admiration turned into inspiration. 

I don't need to want anyone to fail to feel better.
About myself or anything.

But some people actually think they have to.
Because that's pretty much the only way they can feel better
until the next time they get jealous and want someone else to fail. 

But how sustainable is that?
How fragile must their ego be?

Why can't they just mind their own business
and just let someone win on their own merit?

Wouldn't they want OTHERS to mind THEIR business?
So THEY could win?
Without anyone trying to sabotage something for THEM?
Pretty sure they would. 

But not everyone wants to win on their own merit. 
They'd rather steal the win for themselves.

At your expense or someone else's expense.
BUT NOT AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE.
NOT OFF THEIR OWN BACK. 

They'd rather take something that isn't theirs to take
than to put the work and effort in for it.
Or feel like a 'loser.'

They'd rather win at all costs.
Even if it costs them their dignity. 
Costs them respect. 

Is it worth their dignity? 
Is it worth losing respect over?
Is it worth losing anything that could have been GAINED
IF THEY WENT ABOUT IT THE RIGHT WAY
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?

To me, it's not. Never was.
That's why I don't compete. 
1) It's not a competition. 
2) The only one I ought to be competing with is myself.

Sure, I've compared. A lot of people do that.
But just because I've compared, doesn't mean I need to compete
or feel any type of way about myself
just because someone else is doing something.
Or someone else has something.

Doing things and having things
AREN'T GOING TO BE A SUSTAINABLE WAY
TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL 'BETTER'
Better about myself. 
Or better than anyone else.

But WHY would I want to feel 'better'
than someone else just to feel better about myself?

Anyway, this post is about WHY it's okay
to keep things to yourself. 
Nobody can sabotage plans they don't know about.
Think about that.

That's why it's okay not to talk about your dreams
because not everyone will help you.
Some people will want to crush them. 
Even when you never crushed theirs.
Because why would you?

But often, things done in SPITE tend to backfire.
Like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I've had people be spiteful towards me.
Why? Not really sure. Maybe because I didn't let them
do whatever it was they were trying to do.

But sometimes it's for no reason at all, 
just to be spiteful for spite's sake, I don't know.
I don't operate that way. 

I could, but what would that even do for me?
Is it supposed to feel good or something?

Is it supposed to make me feel 'powerful'?
If I wanted to feel 'powerful' is that the way to do it?
Maybe actual power comes from knowing 
the real way isn't about any of that.

It's about what you can give yourself, 
NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN TAKE FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

Anyway, this is why I don't talk about my plans
much anymore. Not everyone is clapping for me.
Not everyone wants to see me win. 
Not everyone wants to see me succeed or get ahead.

Because if I am and they're not...
It means that I am, and they're not. 
Which isn't a good feeling when you're not okay with it
like they should be. 
Because I'm okay with them succeeding
unless they're trying to do something corrupt
or something against me. 

If they're succeeding at something good for them, cool. 
I'm happy for them!

A female I know got married recently. 
Instead of being jealous of her, 
I AM HAPPY FOR HER.

OF EVERYONE I KNOW.
SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY!

SEEING HER HAPPY MAKES ME HAPPY.
Honestly, actually happy FOR HER HAPPINESS.

That's what I've wanted for her.
Can't we just want that for someone else?

It feels so much BETTER than feeling whatever
just because it WASN'T ME getting/having/doing/being etc.

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ME
getting/having/doing/being etc.

So knowing that it doesn't have to be me...
And really I'm not so greedy
that I'd WANT TO take that away from anyone...
Why would I feel any need to?

I'm so happy for her that I can't even put it in words.
It feels good to be happy for someone else.

That's why I watch those shows...
The ones that get me in my feels. 
Like those golden buzzer videos...
Secret Millionaire...

And if nobody gets why it gets me in my feels, 
I'd rather watch it alone.

I watched Secret Millionaire with my mother, once.
She was all like "Nobody's giving ME any money."
And then there was me, being happy for them.

Like being as happy for them as I'd be for myself.
It's hard to explain it. It's not something I talk about often.

I often don't talk about anything that gets me in my feels.
When you're crying for THOSE reasons, and others don't...
They won't get it, at all. How could they?

Even writing about it here, not everyone will get it. 
Those who get it, get it. If you do, you do.
And nothing I can do to explain it to anyone who doesn't.
Nor do I have the time to even try.


I've got to do some sort of clean-up before they come to spray.
Just so damn tired. Like mega tired. 

Today's been crazy humid. 
It's one thing to be hot or whatever, it wasn't really...
It'd been rainy, a bit, but loads of moisture in the air.
I don't know why, exactly, but I think it's the rivers.
Also, it's a valley, so maybe the moisture just stays trapped in it.

Makes the air kind of thick, but it feels sluggish, sort of. 
Hard to explain that. Kind of a type of 'weight' in the air.


In a way, I'm still kind of wrapping my head around 
everything from the last 4 years.

EVERYTHING THAT I ALLOWED
BY NOT DISALLOWING IT.

If anything, I took myself through that.
Because I could have been like "Peace Out."
I could have been like "F this crap"
But it's like I had to prove something.
To who? To myself? What, though?
What was I trying to prove?
That I'm not what they've been thinking or saying about me?
It doesn't matter, so why was I trying so hard to prove that?
To try to prove anything?

Shouldn't the proof speak for itself?
So why would I have to prove myself?
And what would be the point?

Besides, if anything, I should be proving myself
TO MYSELF.
Not to any of you, not to anyone else.
To myself and myself alone.

Saves me from a lot of wasted effort.
Because it doesn't matter how HARD you try to prove
ANYTHING to some people, 
they'd only require MORE proof. 
Either that or they don't gaf about your proof.
NOR your attempts to prove yourself. 

So it's a losing battle. 

But when you prove yourself to YOURSELF, 
that's when you turn yourself into a believer.
All that self-doubt becomes a thing of the past. 

If we never doubted ourselves, though.
It'd probably get to our heads.

There's being a 'heathy' confident. 
And then there's the overly confident...
The overly confident are arrogant. Arrogance is gross.

Humility is s3xy. There, I said it.
Sure, confidence, is, too... But to a degree...
Because arrogance, like I said, is GROSS.
It makes me want to puke beefaroni.
Is puking beefaroni worse than puking chunks of hot dogs?

I almost forgot hot dogs are a thing.
And maybe people who actually eat dogs think we do, too.
Because of the word dog. 
Pretty sure it's either pork or chicken. 
The halal ones are definitely chicken, they don't eat pork. 

The pigeons are sleeping somewhere else tonight.
I guess after the raccoon attack they'd rather not be here.
I went to check on the babies. They seem okay. 
They're still very apprehensive about me, but that's okay.
I probably would be, too.
If I was their size and they were my size...
And me being an entirely different species, so there's that.

What if a bear just grabbed a person and brought them to it's den?
Well, that's kind of what happened to them. 
I grabbed them and brought them into my 'den.'
For their protection, but that's how it was for them. 
So yeah, they probably feel some type of way about that.
And about me because of that.
Probably feel a type of way about me regardless, 
but that definitely didn't help.

And the fact there was even a raccoon up here...
Which had nothing to do with me.
But how are they to know that?
I did chase him away, but since we're so high up...
It's probably easy to think all kinds of things.
And who knows what and how a pigeon thinks?

Not that it really matters what pigeons think of me.
But I'd rather them think of me as an ally.