Put In An Iron Casket

Ever seen the movie: "One Flew Over The Coo-Coo's Nest"?
There's a part where the nurse announces "medication time."
And they all line up to get their meds from the nurses' station...

We didn't line up to get our meds...
We lined up for snack time. 
Was pretty much the highlight of the day. 

Sometimes I think about going back, 
but I've always had issues with 'roomates' though.
The last time, my roomie kept getting restrained
AND SHE KEPT BLAMING ME FOR IT.
So she hated me because of it. 

The other time, I switched rooms
because my roomie would not stfu. 
She kept talking like she was talking to her "cousin"
who she was in love with...

The things in that place...
The one guy I feel really bad for
is the old guy who's been there for years.
He was in the war,  shell-shocked... 

Another guy been there for years, too.
He walks up and down the halls and gets exercise, 
but he keeps saying "not sick, not sick" in French. 
Like he's trying to convince them
that he didn't belong in there. 

I've only been there for like 2 weeks at a time. 

Once, I was sitting by the door, 
like I have before and some nurse yelled at me to "move!"
I got p*ssed off because I wasn't doing anything
other than sitting there.

Then, because I was p*ssed off...
AND I MOVED LIKE I WAS TOLD...
They decided to call security on me. 
I was playing cards at that point...
But they interrupted the game, because they could,
but once they realized I wasn't being forced to be there, 
they couldn't do anything.
I told them "I can walk out those doors right now.
So what are you going to do?"

They backed off. 

But when someone is playing cards
After doing what they were TOLD.
Getting security involved?!

I called a support line at the hospital
and the number for the line is on the window
at the nurses station...
SHE MADE ME HANG UP THE PHONE
BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TALK TO THE NURSES.

BUT HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TALK TO THE NURSES
WHEN THEY WOULDN'T TAKE 5 MINUTES FOR THE DUDE
WHO COULDN'T USE HIS HANDS TO TIE HIS PANTS?!

I talked to the guy about what happened to his hands.
He was on drugs and he thought he could find gold in the snowbanks
So he proceeded to dig through the snowbanks
WITH HIS BARE HANDS and got bad frostbite. 
I can't remember if he said if he actually lost a finger or two. 
It's possible to lose fingers due to frostbite and toes. 
Even the tip of your nose can get frostbite.

Anyway, if they are too busy for the guy
who just wants to have his pants tied ffs...

But they have the time to tell you to "move!"
And time to call security on you...
And force you off the support line...
And strap you to your bed...
Without a care if you have to p*ss yourself.
BECAUSE WHY HAVE THE DIGNITY
TO BE ALLOWED TO USE THE TOILET?

That reminds me of the video I saw.
It was a female who had asked to use the washroom
At a Tim H*rton's....
THEY REFUSED TO LET HER USE THE WASHROOM!!!
What she did after that was no better, 
BUT THEY COULD HAVE JUST LET HER USE THE WASHROOM!!!

So she actually dropped down, right there...
TOOK A HUGE CRAP... 
PICKED UP THE CRAP...
AND THREW IT AT THE EMPLOYEES
WHO WOULDN'T LET HER USE THE WASHROOM!

Even here, most places do let you use the washroom... 
BUT a lot of them don't because they don't want any junkies
OVERDOSING in the washroom...
Or trashing it... Or whatever...

Or they just reserve the washrooms for customers only. 
Often, when I'm out... I just want to wash my hands...

But I've been told I look like a "bag lady."
Like seriously, f*ck every judgemental POS...
I don't dress to impress
people who are impressed by superficial BS
are not people I care to impress anyway.

So people, again, assume whatever about me...
But I'd rather them think I'm a broke @ss
than try to rob me or some BS.

Even if I had it like that, I wouldn't flaunt it. 
No need for that.

Been watching videos about lotto winners. 
Lots of stories about how they lost it all, etc. 

When you flaunt it, people get jealous.
They do some stupid sh*t out of jealousy
like the one who wanted to fight me over the dude who I don't respect.
She was literally watching him and I talk online through Messenger.
And she outed herself by interrupting us to threaten us both.
Why would she threaten me if she didn't see me as a threat?
So who is jealous of whom?
Do you see me interrupting their conversations?
Do you see me threatening her?

Do I even have the time or desire for any of that sh*t?

But when it comes to money... Yeah... Don't tell everyone.
Especially if it's a large amount...

There was a guy I spoke to online who claimed
that he was looking for someone to spend his money on. 
I can't verify if he was telling the truth, 
but supposedly he had millions of dollars or something...
I don't care. I did tell him, though, 
BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TELL THAT TO.

There was another guy I knew...
Who's grandfather was a famous doctor...
So he had generational family money...
People took advantage of him left and right.

I've tried telling him. I tried warning him. 
The only person who wasn't using him, he didn't want. 
That's happened to me, many times.
People being used, choosing the users
over someone who didn't want anything. 

I couldn't marry for money. I just couldn't. 
I've changed my mind about getting married. 
I'm glad I didn't. 

Looking back at how many times I had wanted to. 
To the point I am today. 

I've heard horror stories on shows like
Who the bleep did I marry?
Fatal attraction...

That's enough for me to appreciate being single.
I don't daydream anymore, I don't hope, I don't wish, 
I don't do any of that anymore.
Because I feel foolish that I ever did
Because of what I got. 
Because of what I've already been through. 
Things I couldn't fully divulge on here.

Deep things that really affect me, are too personal...
I just speak about it in general terms.
Because... I have to get it out. 

There are times I want to die. I really do. 
Then I think "I'm just feeling sorry for myself."
That's what someone told me, once. 
She told me that she went through depression
after her divorce and someone told her:
"You're just feeling sorry for yourself."

A pretty insensitive thing to say, 
especially when someone is going through something
that is really hard to go through...

At this point in my life, my life's pretty much
already imploded. 
I'm still stuck in a feeling of shock, disbelief, anger, 
a lot of feelings that I can't even describe the range. 
And all things considering, I'm doing better than I was
A few years ago... I was a wreck. 
I'm not as much of a wreck now... 
I did have counselling... 
A lot of things I'm still working through, 
but every time I think I'm out of it....
I GET HIT WITH SOMETHING SO HARD AND HEAVY
THAT IT FEELS LIKE GETTING HIT BY A TRAIN.

There was something I was reading or watching... 
I can't remember if it was an article or a video... 
It was probably a video...

I'd heard of the fight or flight thing...
But there's also a freeze response.

And that's when you're facing something so messed up
that you don't know what to do...
So you're in a frozen state...

Most people who know about fight or flight...
Don't know about the freeze response. 
It makes a lot of sense because when I've struggled really bad, 
I felt like physically stuck
along feeling psychologically stuck and emotionally stuck.

There are times I don't know how to feel about things.
It's not that I'm indifferent, it's more like I feel everything
ALL AT THE SAME TIME
And I can't psychologically process all of it or any of it...
Because the situations I've been in...
WHAT DO YOU DO OR SAY?
Let alone how should I feel?!

Because mostly, yes, I feel anger.
I think more so now because of everything I've been repressing...
I feel it coming up to the surface every now and then...
But it's like the guy said...
He said, "Crying about it isn't going to change anything."

Retaliating or seeking revenge... I've thought about it.
I've had pretty dark thoughts about payback. 
BUT WHO WOULD BELIEVE MY ALLEGATIONS?
Everything is alleged, unless it's about me, apparently.

I swear, I'd be in jail, right now. 
If I acted on how I've been feeling the last few months. 
But the last few weeks especially. I feel sick. 

Sick about everything that's been happening. 
That has happened. I just feel so sick I could die. 

Everything that I thought wasn't true...
People who weren't who I thought they were...

But at the same time, I'm mourning the person I used to be.
Kind of like when I quit drinking... 
It felt like I was mourning... 
But I feel like I'm mourning the life I thought I had
like all the decent memories I had are tarnished, stained...
I question it so much. I question myself.
It feels like the trust I had in myself is questionable
because I trusted people I thought I could trust.
Turns out I couldn't trust who I had put my trust in. 
That's the very general terms of it. 

So, now, I question a lot of things...
And something I really want to do something about...
BUT IF I ACT ON HOW I AM FEELING...
I WILL END UP IN JAIL.
AND EVERYONE WILL SAY:
YUP, KNEW SHE WAS 'CRAZY.'

Like: "Confirms what I 'knew' all along."
The beliefs are their own thoughts.

That's what I heard before:
"Beliefs are thoughts you keep thinking."

Like I say, they just like talking about me 'being crazy.'
BUT NOBODY EVER TALKS
ABOUT ANY OF THE THINGS I HAVE BEEN THROUGH,
If I really was 'crazy' I wouldn't hesitate.
I would just go and do it.
I wouldn't be able to 'control' myself.
And yes, there's a type of extreme anger... 
Where people completely lose their sh*t.
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS OF GARBAGE FROM EVERYONE.
But garbage from everyone is not a justification
for allowing yourself to lose your sh*t.

Just because you feel like doing it, 
doesn't mean you should. That doesn't make it right. 
I know because I have done many impulsive things.
When I used to drink, I was even more impulsive...
And I also didn't care enough to actually...
What are the words? Control myself?

But just because I felt like doing something
didn't mean that I should do it.
A lot I felt like doing I wish I hadn't done.
So yes, I am seething, but if I did... 
I know what would happen. 
Nothing good. It would backfire in my face. 

But even when I was so angry I was shaking yesterday...
I barely acted on it. I didn't go off my rocker. 
I mostly just wrote. 

The last few years, especially... Have been brutal. 
Like I don't even have the right words
in this exact moment to sum it up. 

Only to say that I need to learn
how to trust myself all over again...
Because I trusted certain people I thought I could trust...
That's where I'm at right now.
But on a scale that I can't accurately describe.

All I can describe it as... A kick in the gut. 
I've been kicked while down for so long...
That any time I feel like I can climb back up,
I almost expect to get kicked back down, again. 

All the while feeling like I want to puke. 
But knowing that puking won't fix the feeling
of wanting to puke...

The depression gets bad...
But as I wrote: Probably felt sorry for myself. 
Like sure, I could throw a huge pity party, 
or I can just try to distract myself...
Nothing's been the same or will ever be. 
And that's like the turning point
of when my life changed, forever...
AGAIN, because each time it changes...
It's a forever change. 
Like a life-fragmenting change.
The worst is that it's not even my choice.
So many things happened that weren't my choice. 

If things were my choice, things would be very different. 
I mean, I still have choices, but certain things were not my choice. 

Some things could have broken me. I know this. 
But I think I automatically repressed for so long, 
that I just do it without thinking about it. 
It just became automatic, because I needed to get through it. 
That's pretty much how I got through everything...
Repressing the f*ck out of it all. 

So is there a lot of stuff that I haven't processed, yet?
Yes... Like a lifetime of stuff.

Even the BS stuff that happened to me...
I repressed a lot of that... 
So when I get upset, not for no reason... 
It comes up, with other stuff...
 
I used to be a very angry person.
Much to do with the BS...
Much to do with the fact that if I lost my sh*t
like I often felt like doing... That would be the end.

For some reason, maybe not wanting to let my Grandmother down...
But I ended up letting myself down. 
I let my son down.

I can say I'm not the person I used to be.
I can at least say that much. 

But I also feel like I lost myself somehow.
In between waves of mixed emotions. 
Really intense feelings... 

At least that feeling... The one I thought I wouldn't feel again...
I felt that for the short time that I did.
Could I, again, one day? I don't know.
I don't know if I could trust enough again to feel anything.
And I'm pretty okay with it.
I'm actually okay if I don't.
Because the feelings I feel, now, aren't going away any time soon. 
I don't know when or if they'll go away.
I'd rather feel angry than the other feelings. 
Because the other feelings are making me want to stop existing. 
Because I don't want to exist like this. 
Why would anyone want to exist like this? Feel like this?

There are some moments here and there, 
that I almost feel okay...
And that part of me thinks it's momentary relief...
And then a big surge, again. 
Literally like waves, but... HUGE, crashing waves. 
I sometimes feel like I can't get air.
Then that feeling goes away for a little while. 
THEN BOOM! But the boom is like a huge bomb going off. 
My nervous system wants to panic for a bit, 
then it leaves for a bit...

So I'd rather be angry. 
Then to have all those "sweeping" feelings.

It reminds me of a movie I watched with a friend.
It was about a league of immortal beings. 
During the movie, they were trying to get to one girl
who didn't know she had her abilities
and she was meant to join the team etc...

There was a part where one of the earliest immortals, 
during the witch trials, she was put in an iron casket, 
and dumped into the ocean. 
She's immortal so she was stuck drowning over and over
(because she can't completely die)
for something like 5 hundred years...

Imagine that kind of torture?
And being stuck in there...

I won't spoil the end of the movie. 
The way it ended left room for a sequel. 

There were a couple of movies I saw
where the beginning of the movie only made sense at the end.