Pogs Still Exist Somewhere

I ran out of the medication I take to sleep.
When things were really rough, I couldn't. 
I kept waking up, every night, but being JOLTED awake. 
By a lot of disturbing thoughts, mostly guilt. 
I've been teetering, I guess. 
Struggling between "I'm better than I was"
and "Another level of h*ll."

The drug issue isn't really about politics. 
It seems they want the government to do something about it. 

What people need are incentives. 
Because they are choosing to do the drugs. 
Due to depression or whatever else...

Like it just being there isn't the issue. 
Because pretty sure pogs still exist somewhere,
but they aren't as popular anymore.

There are reasons people choose to do drugs. 
Politicians can't force people not to do them. 
They can re-criminalize them... 

The show called "You Can't Do That On Television..."
They had a segment where the kids were equating
doing drugs to smashing a pie in their own face.

When I did hard drugs for a little while, 
I just felt such self-loathing at the time. 
I don't really remember if it was just in general or for doing the drugs.
I was pretty angry, in general, back then. 

I don't think that ever really left me. 
Just gets buried under moments where I am okay.
Or maybe when I think I'm okay
or really trying to convince myself that I am, 
maybe I've been lying to myself. 

Wish I could just take my medication and go to sleep. 
I have to go back to the pharmacy to get more. 
I really don't like going over there.

My prescription ran out and for 7 months, 
they didn't even tell me! 
It bothered me because that's info
that they could have easily given to me
as soon as they discovered it...

My doctor retired, thankfully.
Then she got replaced by someone who went back to school. 
So they couldn't reach her because she went on leave. 
She talks to me like I'm stupid, 
I told her I don't appreciate being spoken to that way.
But she didn't stop doing it. 

It's frustrating, that clinic. They hardly answer the phone.
Receptionists' jobs include answering the phone, right?

I haven't had a regular physical or whatever. 
Probably should get that done. 
Have you? Do you need one, too?

I heard that in the US, they actually do more tests.
Here it's like pulling teeth for tests, even. 
It's ridiculous.

The difference is that they'll do the tests, 
but they have to be paid for by you or your insurance. 

I'm glad that most things are covered. 
I guess, I've been pretty lucky, all things considered.

I often think about the guy I saw at the mall, once. 
He had lost both his hands.
Hard enough to lose one, let alone both. 

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.
Goes for anything we've taken for granted. 
And sometimes I hope that I'm missed
by people who didn't know what they had.
When they had my trust, loyalty, etc.

Because now, I'm gone. 
It's not like I didn't give chances, 
it's that I gave too many to others. 
Not enough chances to myself.


And I learned from that. 
Just wish I had learned sooner. 
Because I wouldn't have put myself through that crap.

Something about not crossing oceans for people
who wouldn't jump a puddle for you.

Something like that...
Another way it was put to me:
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."


Emotionally because of the turmoil, I'm very closed off. 
I'm going to keep it this way. 
I don't intend on changing that any time, soon.
For many reasons.
But apart from the turmoil, anger,
the part that should feel something...

Even any of it, but all of it...
Back to back, to back to back...

When something happens, then something else...
I don't know if it's because I barely know how to cope, 
or I've just...  Pushed so much down over the years...
Could be a bit of both or a lot of both. 

I keep thinking about my Aunt.
Lost husband and son within like 3 years, not even.
I can imagine how she feels.
The huge waves of intense emotions. 
Makes you feel sick, like sea sickness,
except you can't make it stop unless you're asleep.

When my father died, I took sleeping pills. 
I couldn't sleep. I'd have dreams about him.
I had a dream about him before I found out he died. 
In the dream, a dead body was being taken out of a house.
I didn't see the body, just knew it was a body.

Pretty sure that was him. 
I had a big "I knew this was going to happen." feeling. 
Because that dream came rushing back to me immediately. 

So I know it only stops when you're asleep, 
but the dreams can be something else.

Don't remember, but pretty sure I wrote about drinking dreams.
It's when you quit drinking and you dream about drinking.
They seem pretty real, these dreams. 

It's kind of like that, but you dream about people...
There are times I dream about my Grandmother
and in the dream we're talking and all of that...
Then I wake up realizing that she died...
That's a hard start to the day. 

Just writing is helping me get through some bursts.
I don't know how to express it.
Because the guy was right: "Crying's not going to change anything."

At least he didn't say: "I'll give you something to cry about."

I think my entire generation's f*cked up because of that:
"I'll give you something to cry about."

Anyway, the pigeons are a distraction, to a degree. 
The babies being born and learning to fly etc.

Then the knitting meeting this Monday. 
I'll keep going for now, but I don't like how the leader singled me out.
I've felt very judged since the first meeting. 

But it wasn't necessary to apologize to me for something
had she wanted to do it, would have. 
Instead of singling me out to everyone. 

I said I'd help with the website for the group.
So we'll see how that goes. 
It'll involve me going to her place... 
She gave me a look when I left her place...
When we had a meeting there.

This time it'll be at another lady's house. 
She seems pretty nice. 

I see this as a temporary thing. 
I'll see how it progresses, but that 'apology'
was like 2 weeks ago. 
Before that, she asked me if I wanted a reminder
to check my email...
Then when she 'reminded' me
SHE SAID IT WAS MY LAST REMINDER!

Like why ASK me if I wanted one
then say it's my last one!

Just things like this. Already and it's not been 2 months in.
These are the kinds of reasons I don't have many female friends. 
Because these types of things tend to happen with females.

One point in case... When I first started going to AA.
There was a lady at a meeting. 
She lived/still lives? in my neighborhood
so she offered me rides to and from meetings...

We were meeting at her place to do the "steps."
I missed ONE meeting with her
and she literally turned on me. 
Saying she thought of me like a daughter...
I wasn't even trying... All this BS.
I was going to ask her to be my sponsor, 
but of course, after this, I didn't. 

And to top it off, she talked to one of her friends
About me and she was mad at me, too.
When it didn't even concern her. 
We were in her car, leaving the meeting, 
she had offered to drive me home from the meeting...

But she was like defending her friend to me, 
I don't remember exactly what she said, 
but I remember getting out of the car and walking home
and not returning to that AA meeting. 

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT MISSED ONE MEETING
WITH HER AT HER PLACE.

She acted like I didn't show up because I was drinking. 
Or something. I don't know. 
But it was weird, harsh, just... Nope. 

THEN her friend sticking up for HER.
Like what was she going to do?
Hold me captive in her car all the way home?
As soon as she started on me, I got out of her car. 
She tried to stop and pick me up, but I didn't want to.

Like hard enough that you're in the first 3 months...
Of sobriety... And to have that happen...

After that, I went to some meetings after work, 
and I went to a few meetings at another place.

But I stopped going around 6 months. 
I didn't get all my chips.
I might go, just to get them, it's been 10 years, though. 
So I don't know what the point would be. 

On your one year, you're supposed to do a speech.
I didn't. I just stopped going. 
Part of it was that I wasn't there for socializing. 
I was there for the meeting and that's that.
Especially after that.

So me, and groups, and other people...
Often, I don't mix so well. 

I feel so damn misunderstood, all the time.
Like people assuming what I even think of myself wtf.
Knowing my worth doesn't mean I think I'm better.
I really don't know what rubbed me the wrong way about it.

It just feels even more insulting on top of everything else.
Especially when I really try...

It's not that I think I'm better. 
I just know that I'm not like most people.
It's kind of hard to explain. Not 'special' or 'important'
Or anything like that. Nothing like that, at all.

So I can see why someone might think that. 
How I isolate like I'm too good to be around people. 
And being "aloof" has nothing to do with that. 
I feel when energy's off or not good. 
Around certain people, I can't be around them long.

When you feel better when you're by yourself, 
it's not that you're too good to be around people. 
It just feels... Around some people...
Like I want to jump right out of my skin. 

My palms sweat and I get anxiety really bad around certain people.
I don't know why, but it's something...

It's kind of funny when people tune into the fact that I can tune into them. 
Sometimes, some people.

It happened to my step-father once. 
We were just in the living room and it was like
he could feel my energy like tuning right into his. 
Like "aware" that I was "aware"
but I didn't say anything. 

I don't do it often, but there are times I do energy experiments.
Some people have definitely felt it. 
They didn't know it was me, except one guy.
He kind of suspected, but didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything. We just kind of smiled at each other.

But it's kind of funny watching them, 
because it's not something most people have felt. 
And it feels pretty weird. 

I guess it's a type of 'practice.'
Like I say, I don't do it often. 
It's probably wrong that they don't know what I'm doing. 
Like without their knowledge. 

The one guy who suspected didn't seem mad about it.
Didn't say anything, either.

But I don't show or tell everyone. 
None of the people in my family knows. 
Even the closest people I know, know. 

Maybe because I don't want to get asked to do it all the time.
And because I realized it's better to keep things to myself. 

While I'm on the topic, I connect two points. 
I kind of clench the muscles and they "connect"
then I use breath to like "suck the energy from the air"
and to aim it out of my hands.
I've tried my range and I can from across the room...
So I don't need to be right next to someone...

I don't know if I can from further away. 
It works on animals, though.

I'd have to do more experiments. 
I did it in the hospital, in the hallways and through the floors.
I sent energy up and down the hallway. 
I know it sounds weird. 
When someone caught on, he said he felt it.
Said he didn't know where it was coming from. 

Then I tried it on a few people. 
One guy has a heart thing. 
When I do it, I warn people that it feels weird, 
especially in a certain sensitive area. 
And that it has nothing to do with 'intimacy or s*xuality'
I just have to explain to them that the energy goes through the body, 
from head to toes.

Anyway, when I was doing it, I could like "see"
the condition of his heart and his lungs... 
I knew he was a smoker...
For some reason, and I don't know how...
It came to me: a valve not fully closing.
That was what I strongly felt was up with his heart. 

He asked me to stop when the energy reached "there."
So I did. Because it felt weird and he was like: "I have a girlfriend."
So because he asked me to stop, 
I couldn't pass the energy through...

So he was asking me "How do you make it stop?"
I told him he had to pass the energy through his legs,
into his feet, into the floor. 

It's kind of like I was telling one guy I chatted with online.
It doesn't take long before the chats turn to one thing. It's just energy. 
That's all it is. If I had known that years ago...
Among other things...
Just pass it through. 
And maybe that's what bugs me when I'm around certain people. 
Something about their energy feels off. 

The energy in certain situations, too. 
I get a feeling in my gut that when I get it, 
I have to listen to it. 

Like the time I was hitchhiking... 
This was one of the very last times. 

I needed a lift from the airport into Mannotic. 
My Grandparents had a cottage there, 
and I knew where the key was.
So I would run away and stay in the cottage. 
The first night, I stayed up most of the night. 
It'd been my first time there, on my own at night. 

Anyway, one time, I went up the road to see my cousins.
They told my Aunt I'd hitchhiked up there. 
She called my Step-father and my Aunt brought me back. 

BUT... the gut feeling... 
The guy who was giving me a lift, 
HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY KNEE.

I opened the car door, jumped out, ran.
The neighbors had a big truck in their laneway.
I WENT UNDERNEATH IT,
WATCHING HIM DRIVE AROUND
LOOKING FOR ME...
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS GONE.

I never reported it, never saw him again.
Just... GUT FEELING - Get under the truck and wait.

Sometimes, I've actually seen like "energy impressions."
that's the only way I can describe it.

Because... One time, I met a guy on a dating site.
THIS WAS YEARS AND YEARS AGO...

We went on a date and I went to his place to stay the night.
I kept having weird energy "pulls" in that place.
I couldn't stay in his room because I strongly felt like
someone hung themselves in that room. 

But, while I was in the washroom... 
I'd just taken a shower, and I got a huge RUSH feeling. 
I "saw" a guy strangling and drowning a woman in the toilet. 
It was only me in that room, but I "saw" it. 
I never saw anything like that, in any place before. 

I just felt a strong urge to get out of there immediately. 
It felt like an energy etching in that place. 
Because of that. 

What I 'got' from it was that the victim met them at the bar
that was across the street.

Not the guy I'd been on a date with. It wasn't him.
He was just living there. 
I told him about the hanging in his room, 
but I was so freaked out about what I "saw"
that I just asked if he could take me home. 
I was so spooked. I rarely talk about it to anyone
because it seems really crazy. 

That's kind of what it was like with the "thing"
that's in my apartment. 

I've seen it twice. The first time was in my room.
I had a big migraine and it was so bad I was scared I was dying. 
I'd never had a migraine that bad besides one other time.

So I woke up to "it" I don't know what to call it. 
A figure sitting on my bed, kind of like "checking on me."
I thought it was the guy I was with at the time, 
but I saw the light from the washroom turn on under the door. 
He'd gone into the washroom which meant he wasn't the one...
Once I realized that, it disappeared. 

The only other time I "saw" it, it scared me.
Well, I'll tell you about the dream I had before this...

I was passing by my son's room, because that's mostly where it is.
(That's why I keep the door closed).
In my dream, it was night, the room was dark. 
I could really feel it in there so I yelled from the doorway:
"I'm not afraid of you!!!!"
Then a little light turned on in the room. 
It was just a little light. 
BUT IT SCARED ME because I was like:
"If it can do that, what else can it do?!"

So I've just allocated that space for whatever it is, 
I don't try to engage with it in any way.

There was something at my Grandparents' old house....
I don't know if it's the same thing or related...
Maybe been following me...

So after that dream, like I said, just been doing my thing, 
trying not to disturb it or whatever...

One night, I was getting ready to sleep...
I was laying down and I "saw" the figure, 
but it "jumped" on me. It really freaked me out. 
Because I'd been leaving it alone... 
I know it's still here and I can feel it mostly at night.

How I know there's something to it...
When I dated that guy, he had a room in the basement of a house.
I could always "sense" someone or something down there.
It's usually something that may or may not have been someone. 

So I tried talking with it.
I asked how they died. It was a guy.
He was basically "telling" me that he'd gotten shot in the head.
In the driveway over drugs. 

I wasn't sure if I really picked up the person or not. 
I didn't tell anyone about it. 
Casually, someone told me that there was a guy
who got shot in the head, in the driveway and it was over drugs. 
Someone I'd barely known told me this. 
I hadn't told him that I'd talked to the "spirit."
He just randomly told me. 

I guess a bunch of people knew it'd happened. 
BUT THAT TOLD ME ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW.
THAT IT IS VERY REAL.

The other time... (This spooked me so bad I never tried it again).
I "asked" to be "shown" something. 
Anything that I "needed" to know or see. 

So I was fully awake, but I closed my eyes.
It was kind of like I was in a "dream"
but I wasn't asleep, if that makes sense.

I "saw" three kids playing at a park. 3 boys. 
They were playing tag, so I was thinking it was innocent. 
I kept watching... At this point, I didn't know what I was seeing. 
I could tell what it was, but I didn't know it was a premonition. 
So the kids are playing... Then one boy...
He gets a knife he'd hidden in the sandbox
and stabbed one of the other boys... 
All I could think was "well, that's disturbing."
I didn't tell anyone what I'd seen. 

Then like 3 months later... It happened. 
Exactly as I'd seen it, to the details about the green slide, 
and the knife in the sandbox... 

Still, I haven't really talked about it.
I haven't told my family. Only told a few people. 
But that was the only and last time I "asked."

Part of me thinks that I might have been able to save him
because I literally saw it all play out.
Before it happened... 
But it was far away. It was in Michigan. I'm in Ontario.
I knew someone who knew the boy's mom. 
But what could I have said
that didn't seem "crazy"
"if there's a park with a green slide, don't let your kids go on their own"?
Two of the boys were brothers.

The kid who st*bbed him was 12 years old. 

I'd have said something if I knew then...
BUT WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED ME?

And if I did say something, they'd want to know
how I knew... What was I going to say?
I "asked" and then I "saw" it?

Why are the things that I've "seen..."

I feel bad that I didn't say anything about what I saw, 
but I had no way of knowing that would happen 3 months later.
On top of EVERY DETAIL BEING THE SAME.

I swear, when I saw pictures of the crime scene...
When I saw the green slide... It honestly freaked me out. 
How could it not?

I think part of the reason I haven't "asked" again....
1) It's freaking scary
2) I don't know what else I might see
3) I wouldn't know if it was my mind playing tricks
4) I don't know if I could do anything about it

But since the guy who got sh*t in the head "told" me...
They can "talk." I didn't hear his "voice" with my ears...
But kind of like in the part of the mind
that allows you to hear, if that makes any sense.

It started at my Grandmother's old house. 
I kept "getting" a name in my head. 
So I told my Grandmother and she said it was the name
of one of the kids who lived there before my Grandparents bought the house. 
This was before I was born. 
I think even before my mother was born. 
My mother's first birthday was at that house
and that's when JFK was assassinated.
On my mother's 1rst birthday.

So when I was a kid I grew up in that house.
It was my first home, from the hospital where I was born. 

I don't really remember when I was really young, 
but I did see a few things in that house...

One time, it was just my Grandmother and I at the house.
She had told me she was going out somewhere, to bingo or something.
And I hadn't realized she'd already left.

I thought I was having a full conversation with her, 
thought I'd seen her out of the corner of my eye. 
Since it was just her and I, I thought it was her.
So I was talking to her, but it wasn't her. 
When I turned to face her, there was nobody there.

My Grandparents kept lots of photo albums. 
It was one of my favorite things to do when I went over, 
was get the photo albums out and ask questions about the pictures...
I saw her! Who I thought was my Grandmother I was talking to.
I asked my Grandmother who the lady was. A friend of my Grandparents.

One of the scariest things, even to this day.... 
I was sitting on my bed, a cot in the basement.
The closet door opened, suddenly, and then closed. 
It was the basement, no windows were open. 
There was a latch on the inside of the door.
THE KNOB HAD TO HAVE TURNED TO OPEN
AND TURNED TO CLOSE. 

It looked like someone had opened the door, walked through
and closed the door behind them, but I didn't see anyone. 

When I had my room down there, I didn't like the laundry room. 
I could feel something in there. I always kept the door closed. 
I'd started using the work bench behind the furnace to do homework
and I liked taking old phones apart.

Anyway, I'd told my Grandmother what I'd seen. 
She told me that the closet used to be the entrance
to the win cellar. 

I think that part of it had been built after my Grandparents bought it.
The kitchen door that went into the "family" room used to lead outside.
So that addition wasn't part of the original house.
There were bricks on one wall of the "family" room, 
which had been the back of the house.

THE ONLY ROOM I FELT SAFE IN...
WAS THAT ROOM.
The basement door had to be closed and I mostly stayed
in the back "family" room when I was by myself.

So those "feelings" started back then. 
If I was anywhere else in the house when I was alone, 
I just felt watched all the time. 

My mom told me the same thing that she kept the basement door closed. 
She told me once that she heard my Grandfather's voice say:
"We're home!" But my Grandparents were just pulling into the driveway.

Sometimes I think about "asking" again, 
but just scared of what I might be "shown"
and even if I do "see" something... 
WHO COULD I TELL?!
WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME?
AND THEN IF THEY DID, AND SOMETHING HAPPENED...
HOW WOULD I EXPLAIN IT?
I can't even explain it to myself, or you.