Our Hiding Place

I had to change the background image.
There was a light in the photo that kept bugging my eyes.

The photo I have up now, will have to do. 
I'll have to see if I can change it to the full picture.
I like the full picture much better.

There are a bunch of pictures on my phone,
but both my phone and computer need to be backed up
because there's too much data on them
so I have to clear out a lot for them to function better.

Unfortunately, I don't have unlimited storage.

Kind of like hoarders. I've seen houses busting at the seams. 
I watched a series where a antique collector bought a hoarder house, 
just so he could make videos about going through it, 
like all the stuff there...

They cleared it all OUT, fixed it up... Sold it, too. 
There are a couple of channels that really helped me out
when I was in the "freeze response."
Gradually, I got un-frozen...

One is Ghost Town Living
I forget now, but it's about a guy who helped buy a ghost town. 
It's an old silver mining town and he lives up there by himself. 
He makes loads of videos about the place, the mines and stuff he finds. 

The old ghost town had a famous hotel and while he was up there, 
the hotel burned down. He's had many people helping him to rebuild it.
Brings a tear to my eyes even thinking about people coming together
to rebuild a hotel... 

Then the other one is Curiosity Inc. 
He lives in Saskatchewan and he's made loads of videos
where he goes on antique runs and at least that one series
where he bought that house and cleared it out.

Often those mowing videos are good, and the rockhounding videos.

I'm getting back into marketing stuff. 
I'm slowly putting together a pdf about keywords
and one about PLR.
Probably going to give them away for free.
I've got some plans for this year.
Same plans I have had for a while. 
But... I'll see what I can do.

And it's about time I put my focus there.
I've spent like 4 years spinning my wheels. 
Well, longer than that.

But it is what it is, I am where I am.
Just I don't have to stay where I am.
Been playing it safe for a really long time. 

Not sure if I should make moves...
If I knew how to make the moves that I wanted to make, 
I'd probably be doing it, all. 

The top things I want to work on this year:

1) My marketing website
2) An advertising website
3) An auction website

Those are my 3 top goals. 
And it'd be cool to start making little sales here and there.
I'm making commissions on web hosting. 
I haven't checked my account for that, but it's been since November.
The best commissions to make are recurring commissions. 
Because every month, you get a payment. 
Every time it renews... 
So line up a bunch of those sales and you have passive income.

That's pretty much it for my plans... 

I saw a really cool auction site. 
I just don't know how it's set up. 
Basically, it's an online auction. 
I saw it in one of the videos the guy made for his antiques.
All the stuff from the hoard got sold in online auctions.

There is an auction for my area, but I am not sure
if they have an online auction.
I think it's only at their warehouse. 

Anyway, I really like the concept
and I think it'd be great.
Kind of like an auction thing like eBay, 
BUT it's a live auction with an auctioneer and live bets.

Those are my top goals biz-wise. 
Well, when it comes to web stuff. 

It'd be cool to have an auction site.
I think PayPal started around the time eBay did. 

Also, SaaS is a highly recommended biz option. 
Software as a Service. 

That's all the software sites that have a subscription. 
Many of them do. 

Lots of AI tools popping up. 

I heard that the script for a site like OnlyFans
is being sold on codecanyon.

I haven't gotten into scripts yet. 
One thing a lot of people don't know is that coding 
and programming are completely different. 
Coding is just the front end stuff. 
The scripts that make the site function is programming. 
All of that is on the back end.

I'm still learning stuff in CSS and there's... A lot. 
I enjoy it, though. 
I took a break from a bunch of stuff. 
Coding's been one of them. 

Tomorrow's the knitting group. 
I've got a few things I made to donate.
I haven't made anything to sell for a while
and had a hard time selling stuff. 

Often someone will ask me to make them something
but they don't seem to want to pay me for it.

So I stopped making stuff for people, 
but I still like to make things
and they take the donations
so I don't have an issue about what to do with it.
Because once I give it to them, it's gone.

Well, there's the odd Christmas present or whatever.
Stuff like that... 

I've got a couple of blankets on the go. 
One is moss stitch, the other is a checkered Tunisian thing.
The Tunisian one is shades of black, and white, with blues. 
The moss stitch one is black, grey, shades of blue.

I'd add a picture, but for whatever reason, 
I can't seem to add them from my phone. 
Maybe I can try to use the phone to post on here
(to see if that works).

Just been using my phone mostly for background noise. 
I'll let an interrogation video play on my phone
while I do stuff on the computer.
It works out for that.

Tonight, I watched a video of a 19 yr old college student
WHO HIT TWO PEDESTRIANS WITH HER CAR, 
THEY WERE BOTH SENT TO HOSPITAL...
Her car was TOTALED.

She kept asking for her Dad, like 20+ times. 
She was told 10+ why she couldn't "just go home."
They survived. So it was vehicular assault. 
She ended up getting 9 months of house arrest.
And 15K restitution. 

But it was infuriating listening to her whine.
YOU. ALMOST. KILLED. TWO. PEOPLE.
She was drunk, like twice over the limit.
So DUI on top of it. 
They told her it was a FELONY.
And she wasn't going to get to go to school on Monday, 
And her Dad couldn't just drop off her homework...

It was not as bad as one I saw where a student
ACTUALLY RAN OVER 2 PEOPLE
THEY DIED...
And she was so drunk she couldn't grasp the situation. 
Or at least I hope that was the reason she couldn't...

Gone are the days where trials and interrogations
weren't being posted online...

It can get embarrassing...
One of the bodycam videos was a cop arresting a female
for mast*rb@ting in a public place.
She was at a beach and was covered, 
but I guess a couple of people saw her... In *O* mode...

Anyway, some time after that, she was found dead
in her apartment. Word had gotten around...

Then when it goes online...
And you can't do anything
because it's like on public record...  

It's like our privacy rights only apply to some things. 
And there are people who will and can find additional information. 

One of the reasons I'm writing (mostly) anonymously. 
If people find out, after I'm dead, or whatever...
But I just can already feel the energy off people who know me...
OR THINK THEY KNOW ME...
It doesn't feel like good energy, to me.

Probably because I know a lot of people
WHO THINK THEY KNOW ME.
Who've had the chance to know me...

What bugs me about when people die...
like my cousin recently passing...
People grieving and I get it.

It's thinking WHY WOULD ANYONE GRIEVE ME IN DEATH?
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE...

If I could read poems to me or whatever, after I died...
It'd probably p*ss me off because it would be like "we cared"
DID YOU, THOUGH?!

The REALLY HARD STUFF...
I HAD TO DO ON MY OWN.
EVERYTHING.

So how can they try to act like they miss me?
WHO'S CALLING ME?
WHO'S ASKING IF I NEED HELP?
WHO'S ASKING IF I AM OKAY?

You know what? I did get a call a few nights ago.
ONE OF MY FRIENDS actually called me.
Sometimes he asks me if I need groceries
And he's sent me money for food before.

He's been a good friend to me. Over the years.
BUT HE'S NOT REALLY A GOOD LISTENER.
He's someone I can trust to tell things to...
I've told him some deep, dark things.
I felt better after I told him...

Every time some tears flow, I hear that guy's voice, 
I see his face, I remember that day...
I'd met a guy who was working in his garage, 
He'd been beating the dust from some filters against the fence
when I was walking around the corner.
He was fixing the place up for an AirBnB.
He has since built an amazing deck...

So on that day, I'd swung by to just chat for a bit.
Because he'd usually have his garage open, 
working on his boat and other stuff.

He had a friend over and they were working on a vehicle. 
I got to help raise the... "back part" that covers the bed of the truck.
I can't really describe it other than that.
Because they were replacing that part and since I was there...
I got to help lift it up.

I have quite a bit of upper body strength. 
Doesn't look like it, but I can lift. 
My cousin used to be a lifter...

Anyway... That day...
I was really deep in despair and wasn't doing "well"
so I'd go out for walks because I had to.

So we were working on the truck and I started talking about
how I missed my son and I was crying. 
He said: "Crying about it's not going to change anything."
I know I've been writing that line out, a lot.
Just, sometimes... Mostly repressing.
But if they flow, I think of that day. 
AND HOW I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

I do get the tears out, though. 
But for different reasons.

I'll watch something like golden buzzers for America's Got Talent.
People getting surprised for being repaid for kindness...

One that really gets me in my feels is:
Secret Millionaire. 
That's our secret, okay?

I'd rather watch that alone than around anyone
who doesn't get why I cry when I watch it.

I realized that not everyone has those kinds of emotions. 
I was really broke and tried selling a few domains I had. 
Someone took pity on me and bought one from me for $20.
During the transferring phase where I was transferring it
to his account, I noticed A HUGE MISTAKE
THAT I MADE WHEN I REGISTERED THE DOMAIN.
I MISSPELLED THE WORD IN THE DOMAIN.

The payment had already gone through. 
As soon as I saw it, I had to tell him right away. 
I felt so bad, I offered to give him his money back. 
He said he'd take it anyway....
Well, I was bawling and the guy I was staying with
was all like "Why are you crying? He said he'd take it."
He didn't get it, at all.
It was a small thing, but it was for me.

That kinds of speaks to capacity. 
Like when the lady brought that up
when I was saying how I couldn't understand
why my cousins couldn't call or visit my grandmother more
or even write to her, something. 

My Grandmother would cry to me about it.
She just wanted to be loved. She, of anyone...
Truly deserved all the love in the world.
I understood her, she understood me. 
As much as anyone could...
But had it not been for her, I don't know where my life would be.
I just wish I had done even better for her while I could have. 

That's why it's hard starting those days when I wake up
from having a dream about her to realize...

At least she saw me get sober. She died the year that I quit. 

Well there are two people in my life I'd have been a different person
If I hadn't had in my life.
N***** and my Grandmother.
N***** was my BIG Sister.
There's a program for kids.
Big Sisters / Big Brothers

Anyway, I got into the program when I was 7. 
She came to my house and I met her for the first time.
We did a lot together. Skiing, sleepovers, Halloween, Christmas, 
Festivals, Fishing. Her Nephew is close to the same age as me.
Her niece is older than me. 
We went swimming in her friends' pools.
She took me on trips. We went to Montreal.
She taught me a lot. I couldn't do a lot of things. 
Because I'm (still) somewhat developmentally delayed. 

Anyway, I couldn't say hospital properly, 
couldn't walk in a straight line, 
couldn't ski....

I'll admit this. When I was a kid, I hit her a few times. 
Nothing serious, but it was obviously not okay. 
BUT I WAS SO F*CKED UP AS A KID
That I thought that was normal.
BECAUSE I GOT HIT ALL THE TIME.
I thought I was showing her I loved her by hitting her.
That's how f*cked up I was.

Anyway, she taught me that wasn't normal.
And she reported my abuser to the police.
A report was made but nothing happened to him. 

But she has told me what it was like for her. 
She was scared that my mom wouldn't let her see me again.
But, by law, you have to report abuse.
So she did.

I used to get so mad at her when it was time to take me home.
She couldn't understand it, why I'd suddenly get so angry.
ABOUT HAVING TO GO HOME.
She realized it was because I didn't want to go home.

I was so abused that any loud noises scared me.
Like I was always expecting to get hit or something.
It took me a while to realize she wasn't going to hurt me.

Anyway, there are times I cry because I'm thankful
to have had her in my life. We did so much together!
Things my mom wouldn't do with me. 

For like a year after my father died, I lived with another lady.
Another name that starts with N.
She went to the same Church as my family.
Well, her family told her that I had to go back to my family, 
and my mother didn't really care if I was around or not.
Didn't matter if I was around. Just like now. 
But I feel like that extends to most people:
Doesn't matter if I'm around.

So they got in touch with my Grandparents who took me
until I tried to go back to stay with my mother.
I was in and out of group homes and foster homes from 13 - 15.
And on the streets on and off 14 - 16.

Then got my first place when I was 16.
Got pregnant at 18, my son was born at 19.
College from 2003 - 2005.
Moved here in 2004.

Quit drinking at 30.
Here I am at 40.

Anyway, my mom would have been cool
if I kept staying with them,
but they were like "she's not our kid, take your  kid."
Because it was supposed to be temporary.
Because my father'd just died.

Another similar thing happened when I was around 13.
I was staying with a friend at his place
and his dad was cool, let me stay with them for a bit,
but it was kind of the same thing:
"She's not my kid, take your kid."

That was before my first group home. 
I remember that place.
It was my first group home, but then they turned it to a foster home. 
That couple was a nice couple.
I can picture them, but can't remember their names.
But I remember they took us to see Titanic in the theatres.

Anyway, I ran from there and got sent somewhere else.
Every time I went AWOL, I'd get sent to a new place. 
So I was in 10 group homes, and 2 foster homes.
Once, I made the mistake of leaving some things
at a group home, thinking I could get them back. 
I didn't. Pictures of my father in a frame.

That first place... I remember the ride over there.
Not knowing where we were going, 
where I'd end up, but I was away from my mother. 
I think it did me good, actually.
I still had her "in" my life because of my Grandmother.
Maybe, some part of me knew she's my mother. 
Some sort of family loyalty, if you could call it that...

But I just remember feeling so UNWANTED
WHEN I LIVED IN THOSE PLACES.
Every time I ran away, it was because I felt too restricted. 
Also, it's not fun in those places. 

I had girls stealing my clothes, stole my journal...
I was "lucky" to share a room with L*** when I got to Major's.
I knew her from my time in the streets. 
So, she and I were cool.
She even came to see me in the hospital
When my son was born <3
Anyway, on the streets, they called her "Lucky."

Nobody will remember my name down there now.
So I'll put it: Roughcutt.
That's what they used to call me. Roughcutt.

It's a funny story how I got that name.
I was staying under a bridge with some hobos.
We used to drink and smoke together, all the tales I heard...

I'll write a post about that next.

But the time Lucky and I were at Major's Hill. 
The group homes were part of a chain and all the homes
that I was in were in that chain. M.A.R.Ys group homes. 
Most of them were in Orleans.
They figure that's far enough out
to try to stop them from running away, 
I'd just find opportunities to dip when I was in town...

In the next post, I'll write about times I've dipped.

One time, Lucky and I were going to make a break for it.
We were going to go AWOL together!
She made it out, I almost got out.
I threw my shoes out the window to her, 
but BIG B*LL like tackled me and stopped me from leaving. 

One time, I'd gotten some hash and we could only open the window, 
to a certain point because the windows had alarms.
So we figured out that they could be cracked open and the alarm wouldn't go off.
So we were smoking hash out the window hahaha. In the group home.

This group home was the ONLY co-ed group home I was ever in. 
There were a few guys in the house, a couple of them had a room together. 
One of them was allowed to have tools in his room.
So I was like "Hey, can I borrow your screwdriver?"
He let me borrow it and I tried disarming the window.

Once, we were all out in the staff's car.
The dude had a sweet firebird. 
The guy dropped his knife out of his pocket. 
Somehow gave it to Lucky and I.
And said he threw it over the fence. 
So when Lucky and I got back to the house, 
we just hid the knife and a pack of smokes under the mattress.

Well the staff... Had him looking for the knife
because he wasn't just going to leave it out there
because it was  "a weapon"
and of course he could probably get in sh*t
because we weren't supposed to have things
that we weren't supposed to have.

Eventually, the guy broke down and told the staff
that he'd given it to us to take back to the house.
And we had to give it up,
And our hiding place.

Couldn't have really gotten out of it.
The staff had already seen it.