Unexpectedly

Rarely drink coffee anymore because caffeine is no bueno. 
I was offered some, so I had one cup around 12 hours ago...
I'm still coming down. I don't like it.
That's part of why I don't drink it.
Started opting for de-caff and have felt much better for it.

Not looking forward to tomorrow.
Well, technically 5 hours from now.
And I'll have to be out for 6 hours...

With no such plan. The internet at the mall sucks.
I could go to the library... There's an idea.

I got a new library card. 
I guess the charges were dropped. 
I had fines from years ago that I forgot I had
so I kept forgetting to pay them. 
So I went to the library to make a point of paying my fines.
They ended up clearing it all for me
and they gave me a new card.

Haven't used it, yet.
I've got a ton of books, here, to read. 

Probably should make a point
about writing about some of the books I've got.
I've got a bunch of really good books.

There was one book that crossed my mind just now.
I think it's called The Anatomy of Motive.
Pretty sure the person who wrote it worked for the FBI.

In college, I had to choose an elective.
One of the electives was "Reading For Recreation."
For the end of that "class" or whatever it was...
We had to write a "book report."
I forget the title of the book I picked, but it was about
the RCMP and the KGB. It was pretty interesting. 

When I did security, I had a post at the Confederation building. 
There's an RCMP post right next to the Parliament buildsings.

When we used to have 4/20 rallies...
They had officers on the roofs with rifles.
Never shot anyone, that I know of...
And maybe they were there in case we all tried to storm Parliament.
We haven't any kind of White House Seige here.

None of the truckers who came stormed parliament.
But the trucker's bank accounts were frozen by the government.
Also the supporters of the truckers got frozen too.

That's the kind of thing that happened in Russia. 
Pretty sure I heard that they either tried to or did freeze Putin's account.
I don't know how much I hear is actually true.

But if it's true... He froze the accounts of citizens
who did nothing but protested the damn covid mandates.

Funny how the mandates got dropped soon after that.

Supposedly homeless went up by 38% that's pretty high.
There are REFUGEES moving BACK
because it's too expensive HERE.

A lot of people leaving Canada.
I know someone who moved to Mexico, 
overall, she seems happier than I've ever seen her.
She doesn't regret it.

Used to ba able to get a bit with $20 and now it doesn't
even cover very much. 
A thing of toilet paper and a frozen pizza... 

People are getting "food stuff" at the dollar store.
Been that broke, if I even had enough to get anything at the dollar store, 
but even then, it's not a lot of substance.

----------

Well, I wrote the above earlier, before I left.
I spent some time at the mall browsing and chatting with a neighbor.
There's a new store that recently opened and asked me
if I'd go check it out with him. 

I've known this guy since we were little kids.
His father was friends with my mom's jerk ex.
Who happens to be the father of my brothers.

So basically, saw the kid when our parents got together.

He's younger than me, not a kid, but we were kids.

Anyway, when he was around 11 or so, 
he had the permission to take his younger siblings to a pool. 
He is the oldest and he was 11 years old, at the time.

For whatever reason, he decided to take a 'short cut' 
across the highway. A car hit him. 
He was in major bad shape.
Has a scar on his head, left arm unusable. 
Has a brace he needs on one leg to aid in just standing. 
It was so bad he had to relearn how to eat, talk, walk, 
couldn't even use the washroom on his own.

So, now you know about him. 
The guy who came to "see the cat."

His and our "backstory."

So that's how my day started.
He went his way, to his grandmother who is looking after his cat now.
I went my way. I was thinking of going to the library to wait things out. 

I decided to go get some watermelon and then was in the area, 
so I went to purchase m@r1ju@n@ near where my mom lives.
So I had 3 slices of watermelon and got 3 drinks from the thc place.
And bought some j01nts.

So I was going to my parents to share my melon, 
give them their drink and smoke one, then leave.

What ended up happening...

When I got there my parents were saying:
We're just on our way to the hospital...

I didn't ask. Figured they'd tell me.
My Step-father says: "Are you going to tell her?"
My mom says: "I'm going to wait until she sits down."
So when it's "sit down" whatever, it's not good. 

When she said that, I could at least brace myself
while I was unlacing my boots at the door, because I just got there.

I gave them their drinks, sat down...
"You're grandmother is in hospice. She's not doing well..."
So my step father was asking if I'd go with them, so we went. 

Got to catch up with my Aunts, cousin was there. 
An aunt and uncle just leaving when we got there.
It was weird timing because we were waiting for the elevator, 
and when the elevator opened, my aunt and uncle were coming out.

My Aunts, are obviously going through it. 
My Step-father's birthday coming up, soon. 

My one Aunt, mother of my cousin who passed recently. 
First her husband, then her son, now her mom...
And within the last 5 years.

My Step father was talking about my Aunt's husband, 
how one year he lost his father, step mother, and brother in the same year.

How you never know.
How his brother died was a brain anyrism.
My step-father gets a call THE DAY AFTER
HE LAST SAW THE GUY, THEY WERE JUST PARTYING, 
THEN HE GOES HOME... AND... 

Then my uncle's step sister almost was killed by a guy he knew.
I heard that story. She was leaving the guy. Didn't take it well.

That alone, I'd rather be single.

Anyway, so we're in the uber on the way to the hospital.
I was still drinking my drink
and it'd been a while since I... So it hit me.
I was drinking it in the car and realized 
that they probably won't let me in with that...
Had to finish it before we got there. So I was buzzed. 
I passedout some joints, my cousin and his gf took theirs. 
Neither of my aunts wanted one. 

We talked about my cousin, stories about him.
I've got to write this one.

For mother's day, the school had the kids do a recipe book
where the kids got to "design the cover."
Oldest cousin "normal"
Second oldest "normal"
youngest cousin who passed: "Freddie Kruger."
With the claws and stuff... As a kid...
For mother's day lol

He was asked about it and it turned out
that when his older brothers were "babysitting" him
(the youngest)
They'd get him to watch Freddie.
Saying: "You either love it or you hate it."
So the cousin who was at the hospital today
was showing his tattoos. 
He got one for our cousin who passed. 
A "Jason" mask. 

Just a bunch of stories like that, but that one was the best.

Might be my last time to see my Grandmother,
My step father's mother.
Of all her children, my step father looks like her the most.
I find that sons look more like their moms
and daughters more look like their fathers, 
but that depends, obviously a mix of both. 

My mom was talking about my brother's dog 
who they take for a week and my brother takes him for a week...
My parents' dog they had passed. 

She was great! She got so happy to see me, 
that's she'd spin and pee.
So they called her spin whizzy. 
And when I got there, I had to say hi to her on the balcony
because she would do that.

She never reacted that way with anyone, but me.
Never had anyone THAT happy to see me lol.
She loved me. I loved her, too.

When we got back from the hospital, 
my mom and I had tea and watched a tattoo competition show.
My step father went out for a ride.

His mom is... In HOSPICE.
She was sedated when we got there, asleep. 
So we could talk to her. She knew we were there.

I debated whether to tell my family one of my secrets.
About the reiki, so I did some covertly. 
I can do it secretly, which I prefer to do. Stealth mode.

It's not something that I just blurt out. Btw....

Part of me wanted to do an experiment
where my stepfather and aunt being conduits
because they are direct descendants...

I decided not to do it. 
1) it'd be weird for me to ask for them to try it
2) it'd be kind of awkward to explain what I meant
3) it's kind of freaky and just kept it secret for so long.

There are some reiki masters that can "do" reiki 
through video calls, long distances.

It's energy, just that.

Some things I can pick up on energetically, hard to explain. 
Sometimes, I can pick up on something someone's thinking. 

When I was out with someone, 
we were walking somewhere and there was a kid's ball left outside.
We were walking by it. I could tell he wanted to kick it.
So I told him I could tell that he wanted to. He did.
Maybe just predictable...

But, when you know how someone thinks...
It gets interesting and they don't like it.

So, that's one of the things I keep secret. 
But I am getting better at interpreting. 

Like when I feel types of energy "pulls."
It's hard to describe what it feels like.
All Ican describe it as is a "pull"
it's energy pulling on my energy. 

Usually when I'm anywhere with weird energy. 
Anyone who I've ever said it to, they don't believe in it.

My step-father asked me, tonight, if I'd seen their garden. 
They made a memorial for their dog there. 
It's a jar that lights up and her bandana's in there,
and her last picture.

When my biological grandmother was in the hospital...
Was the hospital around the corner from here.
I'd go to see her at least once a week. 
At the time, I was wanting my mom and aunt to go more
because I had a night shift in the middle of the week. 
My sleep schedule was fked. 

I told this to someone over the phone. 
He said "She's your GRANDMOTHER." He was right. 
I was the closest with her than anyone, probably my entire life.
Since birth. She gave me a stained glass heart... 
It says: "Grand-daughter I love you with all my heart,
Grand-daughter you were a blessing from the start."

One of the things I KICK MYSELF FOR

EVERY FKN DAY...
you want to know the ONE thing???
My DEEPEST REGRET???

When we were at the cemetary, when my grandmother died,
my mom and aunt had already talked about
walking away from the grave
my mom even said to me: "we're paying them to bury her"
kind of like we don't need to stay while they do.

WHAT A THING TO SAY ABOUT YOUR OWN MOTHER!

MY DEEPEST REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT TO HER. I STILL LOVE HER.
BUT MY MOTHER SAID "LET'S GO" TO ME.
AND I FKN WENT WITH HER
INSTEAD OF SAYING NO AND STAYING
AND GETTING A DRIVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

That's my deepest regret.
That's what I kick myself over.
Over and over and over and over.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO WITH HER
AND SHE EXPECTS ME TO COMPLY.
THE ONE TIME I COULD HAVE TOLD HER TO GFH.
I didn't. The one time was probably THAT time.

Before we even left to go to the hospital, 
my mom was like: "behave."
As though I'd be somehow inappropriate there.
I'M 40 YEARS OLD.
PRETTY SURE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
I KNOW BY NOW WHAT'S INAPPROPRIATE.

BUT, YES, I DID PASS OUT JOINTS. 
Because, since we're there...
De-stress...
Some might see it as inappropriate,
but my mother used to give me w33d
at the hospital when we were with my grandmother.

It felt like she was trying to "pay me"
for being there with my grandmother...
Sure, I didn't HAVE to be because I know she saw it like that.
LIKE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO STAY AT HER GRAVE
BUT I WANTED TO.
SHE WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR ME.
WE WERE ONE IN THE SAME.
BIRTHDAYS 3 DAYS APART.

Anyway, wasn't sure when I'd see any of them
to give them anything let alone a joint.

We're not close...

Anyway, my step-father told a story about my mother
while we were at the hospital
and my mother had gone for a cigarette...

He was telling how he was saving money to get my mom a car.
He'd just made his last payment, and it was supposed to be a surprise. 
My mom came home from seeing a doctor 
and she's says: "I've got bad news. I have epilepsy. 
They said I can't drive anymore. Took away my license."

Then my step-father was like "oh, fk."
Just made the last payment on it.

Then he says: "You're not going to like your surprise."
My mom says: "I'd like anything you got me."
So they go down to where it's parked, the car he got for her
that she can't drive...
She was just like: "welp, can't drive it."
But he can drive them around.

But, the irony in that story...

The last car payment on the same day
you get your license taken away...

So we all talked about all kinds of things.
Like movies. I thought of the portable DVD player.
I was thinking about selling it... Probably didn't because
it was going to be useful for hospital stays.

So I'll take that over to my folks because they might be back to visit. 
Even as the back up to the one my folks loaned out. 

My mother was in the hospital the time my step-father
got her a portable dvd player.

He told me that she was in there and I didn't know what for
or how bad it was going to be...
So I had stopped at a bar on my way to go see her. 
That's where I met my "good friend"
Mr. "I forgot you were there."

Fortunately, I still "call" him a "friend."
Just obviously, for obvious reasons I don't apppreciate that.

So THAT DVD player, my stepfather loaned out
For when my uncle was in the hospital. 

It's PINK. And my uncle was kind of put off
by the fact that it's PINK.

My Aunt says:
"Does it play movies DIFFERENTLY just because it's PINK?"

Then said it's my MOM'S
My Uncle was like "Yeah Right, probably D***'S"
(My stepfather).

Anyway, I was saying how they can have this one
even as a back up or whatever.
I also have a huge stash of DVDs.

Sometimes, you end up holding onto things for a reason. 
Never know when or why there'll be a use for something.
(That's what a hoarder would say, shhhhh.)

We were talking about movies and how it's a habit for many
to fall asleep with background noise. 

I didn't used to be that way. Could just sleep. 
Then a guy I was with used to sleep with the radio on. 
Took getting used to, but I did.

My son prefers music with no words
because his brain "listening" to the words keeps him awake.
When he was young, he had "go to sleep music"
that I would play for him because it helped him sleep. 
It was classical music. Beethoven. 
He says Moonlight Sonata is his favorite. 

For me, it's tarot videos. It used to drive a friend crazy
when I slept over at her place. When we were friends.
She even asked me not to because it fked her YouTube algorythm lol.

One time, when I introduced her to a guy I was hanging out with...
I was like DRAINED. I don't know why, but her energy
kind of pulled a lot on mine.
After hanging out with her, often I'd need to recharge by myself. 
So at the end of that day, I was tired. 
I crashed in her room and they stayed up all night talking.

They hung out a few times Until he offended her. 
She told me things he'd said about me to her.

And I don't hang out with either of them now.
And neither of them have called me.
They could have if they wanted to. 

But it's more about not wanting my energy pulled by anyone.
And also just not wanting to be around bossy people.

I don't know how I got into tarot, but it can be very accurate.
And I don't know why but when my anxiety gets crazy, 
I'll watch tarot, or lawn care, or rock hunting videos.

Yes, rock hunting is a thing.
You'd be amazed, if you're into that kind of thing. 
I have a bit of a collection. 
My interest in rocks started when I was young.
Should have gone to school for geology. 
I guess, if there's some way, I might. 

BUT ALSO.... CAN LEARN ONLINE.

All the info out there, about anything.
From training pigeons to geology...

Just wasn't expecting to be going to the hospice
to see my grandmother tonight.

It's been sort of a thing... Explain on the way
has kind of been a thing.

That's like when I met my bio father.
I was 6 and my mother explaining to me
on the way over to meet the guy
that the guy I thought was my father actually wasn't.
And that we were going to meet the guy who actually was.

TO A 6 YEAR OLD ON THE WAY THERE.

That's how I met my father. At a DQ near where we lived. 

Because I didn't get to know my father, 
I wanted my son to know his. 
Could have been better for him, in a lot of ways
not to know.
I don't want to get into all or any of the history there.

A lot of things I only opened up to ONE person about. 
And him, alone. Saying it even once was bad enough. 
The things that I'd rather not have to tell anyone...

When I thought it couldn't be worse, it actually is.
Even though it's on HIM that it actually is...
I often put it on myself. 
Because he was the one I tried having a family with. 
And we did, for a while. 

ALL my insecurities... Didn't have support from him. 
THAT I NEEDED WITH MY SON.
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T CARE.
BUT HE WAS GIVEN CUSTODY.
I feel it had to do more with not wanting to pay me.
Than him actually wanting custody of our son. 

All I can say is that it's actually way worse. 
I had a conversation about it with a friend. 
He totally gets where I'm coming from. 
Also he gives the best advice he's got. 

He's very easy to talk with. Very understanding. 
He lives in BC, used to live in Toronto. 
He plays the violin. 
He's sent me videos of his shows. 
It's cool to be able to see someone you've been chatting with
who you've never met before. 

Anyway, only him and my very good friend
that I opened all the way up to about my ex...
It was years of sitting with all this stuff and I just...
We sat down, and he listened. 

He's not always the best listener and admits this. 
There were times we've had arguments. 
And we never got TOO heated about anything, ever. 
But a lot of times I really felt he doesn't get me at all. 
Hard for me to really ever feel that way. 
Completely understood...

These two friends are who I open up to, 
apart from being as open as I am here...
The things I have never told ANYONE
BESIDES these two friends...
I just wouldn't ever, besides these two friends. 

Just not ready to talk to them about today, yet.
A bunch of stuff. 
I will, probably, eventually. 

I miss the long drives I went on with my friend
(the one getting his car back soon).
He's been my best friend I ever had. 
Of anyone, I probably trust him the most.

I was going through some stuff and he'd come pick me up. 
Feeling like I just needed to talk.
We drove out to VARS once. 
I still don't really know where tf it actually is, 
but it's called VARS.

I had never been there before, 
but we were on a drive just to drive... 
Ended up there. This was during covid, 
when it first started, before lockdown... 

We'd gotten coffees and I had a large. 
I had to go so bad.... It was like if I didn't I'd p*ke. 
I never had to pee that bad, ever. 
So we drove around looking for a washroom. 
There was one at a gas station, but the guy wouldn't let me use it.
Didn't get mad, just we drove around some more.
Couldn't take it anymore...
Stopped by a library and went out back. 
Said to my buddy, if I'm not back, come look for me.
Was hard to find a spot. 
It was night and there was a fence separating
the library from some houses.
Along the fence there were bushes. 

That was the story about the drive to VARS.
It may as well be MARS.

My step-father was saying that there are actually eagles in this city. 
There's a "district" (don't know what else to call it)
of this city with the word eagle in it. 
Never knew it was called that
because there are actually some eagles there.
Found that out today.

I'll just end it here or I'd keep going.
Good night.