If I am the only one saying these things and asking these questions...
Then I am. Some of the questions I already have the answers to.
But mostly I am asking YOU so you can ask yourself.
Some of the questions I should have asked myself a long time ago.
Maybe that's why I ask them.
It's cool if you take these questions and ask someone else.
It's still such a compliment that I landed someone a free dinner.
I was hoping that at least some of it makes sense.
Thanks for that, I mean it. Thanks.
Probably one of the biggest compliments I got.
In general. In all my life.
It is a good feeling when something I say, helps in any way.
Mostly because most people don't listen.
And that's mostly why I write.
The other part of it is that I have to get some things off my chest.
I've kept things inside for the longest time.
Maybe because the only way to get it out is to write.
From a young age. It's what kept me somewhat "level"
Hard to explain what I mean by that.
In ways that I can't really describe.
Another thing that bothers me is when I was doing good,
people tried to knock me down so I concentrated on THAT
instead of moving forward.
That happened when I was studying networking
and someone got jealous of me for having the opportunity.
And the types of people who do that...
Are people TOO LAZY to create their own opportunity.
Because with all the information out there, for free...
It's not so hard to give yourself an opportunity,
when you have all that info, ready to go.
Open up YouTube, and go at 'er.
That's how I learned to code and make stuff.
Do you know how many tutorials are on YouTube?
I don't either. But how great is it those are all free?
Often when someone is jealous of me, I don't know it.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY BE?
Sometimes I get that when I make something
That they wish they could make.
But other than that, I can't see any other reason why.
Why be jealous of an opportunity that you could give yourself?
If I can learn how to make something, others can, too.
They could even ASK to show them how to do it.
Instead of feeling whatever type of way they feel
about the fact that I can and they haven't taken the time to learn it.
But it's like why be MAD at me because I made something?
Or because I did or achieved something?
One thing is: If someone tells you they are egotistical, believe them.
Usually, the arrogance speaks for itself, so there's that.
But childishness, nope. No thanks.
Not interested.
I've been told by 2 people that they are egotistical.
I think that was just about the only thing they were actually honest about.
But when they tell you, believe it.
Also, their actions will show it.
Believe what they show you.
You don't have to let them show you twice.
They already showed you the first time, right?
So why let them show you again?
Let alone again and again and again?
Just ask yourself why.
The answers I got are from questions I was asked.
But the questions I was asked were for me.
The person who cared enough to ask me...
I knew he was doing that for me, not for himself.
Because he already had those answers.
That's why he was asking the questions he asked me.
I miss him, miss talking with him.
And I miss everything about him.
He actually meant quite a bit, but I didn't show him that.
I wish that I had. Even though it's hard for me to do that sometimes.
Even though knowing how to shouldn't be that hard.
And there's knowing how to and doing it.
Anyway, I still think of him. Maybe he thinks of me sometimes.
He had a way of making a point.
And a way of getting me to get the point.
Without being angry with me or trying to make me feel stupid.
Even if I did feel stupid.
Because by then, I should have known many things.
Keeping myself stuck, wasn't helping me grow.
Stuck in the past, stuck on situations that weren't going anywhere.
Stuck in my head... Ruminating constantly,
to the point that's pretty much all I was doing.
Stewing and stewing and stewing.
He said something to me once.
It was pretty poignant.
Well, like 99.9% of what he said was poignant.
He said it because it is.
And he knew that I needed that.
But because of how much I needed that,
it kind of drove him away, in a way.
Because I needed to be giving those things to myself.
Not relying on him for those questions and those talks.
That I wish we could still have.
But the fact that we had those interactions, still means a lot.
Even though I was sh*t at showing it.
Sometimes the right person comes in at the wrong time.
When you're not ready and don't have your sh*t together
LIKE THEY DO.
But that was still special to me.
Because he is. Still.
Just hope and wish all the best for him.
Anyway, before I get too emotional...
It rarely happens that I can't think of what to write...
I just know that going back to re-read our messages
will probably just get me in my feels even more.
Maybe one day. Even to reminisce. One day.
When I'm at that place where I'm... Better, overall.
Because I will probably want to try to reach out
and I don't have the right to do that.
He's living life, like it should be.
Wouldn't want it any other way. What's good for him.
While I work on what I can.
Not even to have him back in my life.
I don't get to want that.
Even if I wanted it, which I do.
But I already know that I blew my chance.
And nobody did that, but me.
I've blown chances that I was LUCKY to even have had.
That's why I know that I don't get to even want another.
I do, but I don't GET TO want that.
If that makes sense.
And even crying over it, is my self-pity.
Because I KNOW that I don't get to want that.
And it was because I BLEW MY CHANCE.
Even if it was just the chance to have REAL
Meaningful, insightful, conversations.
And nothing more than that.
I wouldn't be fit for more than that, like this.
But definitely not like that.
But it showed me a lot of things about myself.
Some I didn't want to see.
But maybe, in some ways, somewhat 'healthier' because of it.
Not sure how to explain that.
In any way that could make sense.
In some ways, I realized that it wasn't things I went through
that were holding me back, it was myself.
Because one thing I'm GREAT at is standing in my own way.
In a trillion different ways.
I almost wrote "even though I wish I wasn't"
but then I thought "it's up to me to change that."
Like all he could do from his side was ask me the questions
And make the points he made.
HE WASN'T THERE TO HOLD MY HAND
AND WALK ME THROUGH IT ALL.
THAT'S NOT HIS JOB.
AND IT'S NOT FOR ME TO EVEN THINK IT WAS.
I never thought that, but I had to say it.
He didn't/doesn't owe me that, let alone anything.
But he didn't owe me THAT.
So I hope, one day, somehow, he knows that I know that.
And that I knew that all along.
I don't know why I hope that.
Maybe at times because I wasn't thinking as clearly back then.
I don't know why.
Maybe because it seemed like I needed him too much.
I don't have the right to need anyone.
Because my voids are for me to fill.
My needs are for myself to fulfill.
It's always been that way.
Unfortunately, it took for me to blow my chances
to see that and actually get the sense of what it actually means.
And what other things mean to me.
And what people mean to me.
Especially the right ones, at the wrong times.
Because I was too late to see what I could have seen then. Y'know?
Sometimes that happens, but it shouldn't take for that to happen.
It shouldn't.
I have no right to be shocked or surprised that it did.
Because I asked for it. I asked for the wrong thing.
Anyway, I'm trying not to get into my feels so much. Or too much.
Not much good comes from that, sometimes.
All the times I woke up smiling because of him...
Anyways...
Maybe time for some tea and a movie.
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