I Am Changing

I've decided that everyone who ever turned their back on me
doesn't get the old me I used to be. 

Because they knew exactly what they were doing
and did it anyway. 
Without a second thought. 

I've had to work on controlling my own impulses.
There is no reason they can't work on controlling theirs.
It's like they would rather waste their time
than realize some things.

That I have to force them to realize. About me. 
I can forgive people who hurt me but I don't have to keep giving them chances.

If I said and did the same shit to them that they said and did to me...
It would be a whole different ballgame and they know I'm right.

I'm starting to get back to myself before this ever happened. 
If people don't think my needs are important, 
can I force them to think or realize that they are?

If not to them, they are to me. 
And by people refusing to fulfill my needs
I learned to fulfill mine on my own. 
When they had all the chances to be compassionate with me.
And not try to ruin me emotionally
and use the fact that they are ruined emotionally
as an excuse to try to hurt me. 

I have to teach them that I won't be accepting it
and feeding into their games was saying I accepted it.
And they knew exactly what they were doing.

I'm saying no to the patterns and cycles.
Especially because I don't like those.
They knew this. 

I had "Take me through anything
because I put up with it all."
Written on my forehead.
Maybe on every inch of my body.

Definitely on how I chose to treat myself
by letting myself put myself through that
by not saying no to it.

By not reconsidering for a long time. 
And now that I'm out of that situation
with the person I was in that situation with
I've had some time to think.

Especially with what happened recently.
It showed me that people who claim to be sorry to me
for leaving me hanging, keep doing it.
Even after I have expressed how I felt about it before.

And every single time I wanted to talk about MY SIDE
THEY DON'T CARE.
My mother flat-out told me she didn't care.
So I told her I knew she didn't. 
What can she say to that? Nothing.

Literally waited years and years
for a heart to heart conversation about the past
AND MY FEELINGS ON MY END ABOUT EVERYTHING.

But instead of having that conversation...
They refused to and DISMISSED ME.

It's like the exact people who invalidated my feelings
want me to validate theirs.
They come saying sorry but they knew what they were doing
while they were doing it 
and didn't care about how I felt.
And still do sh*t to show they don't. 
Leaving. Me. Hanging.

But how do they feel when people do it to them?
They know.

People don't like being called out
but more people need it.

I hated it. It used to piss me off so much. 
Do you know why? It made me feel bad...
And people don't like feeling bad about themselves...

So... Here's what I've learned:
The fact that it made me feel bad is a good thing.
But instead of feeling bad about myself...
And feeling like a shi*tty person
for doing something sh*tty...

I can feel bad about the shitty thing I did.
And learn from the sh*tty thing.
About myself. 

Make some realizations about my own behavior.
I can't just use something sh*tty
to justify something else sh*tty.

Like how I learned about alcohol
and I'm not dependent on it anymore.
All the things I learned after I quit drinking. 
Probably wouldn't have learned
if I had stayed dependent on alcohol. 

Why would I depend on emotional abuse?
Why would I ever put myself through that, again?
To prove anything? What?

To prove to myself that I actually don't deserve it.
By treating myself better. 
By not apologizing to anyone for their actions towards me.
By not bending over backward for anyone who won't meet me halfway.
NEVER will I allow that in my life again. 

This is how I felt after my ex punched me in the head.
All I wanted was to be heard
instead he wanted to insult me, injure me, etc.
It hurt me emotionally 
that he would injure me physically. 
Because he didn't have to. 
Didn't have to act that way at all

BUT IT WASN'T FAIR TO ME
THAT HE WANTED TO SIT ON HIS ASS AT WORK
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
WHILE I WAS WORKING
WHILE WE WERE BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.

AND THEN WHEN I AM UPSET ABOUT 
THAT NOT BEING FAIR TO ME
HAVE A TRIGGER WORD USED AGAINST ME.
TO TRY TO SET ME OFF...
BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE DO IT?

LIKE I HAVE TO BE SORRY FOR HOW THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME.
EVERYBODY. I'M NOT, BUT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

SOMETIMES IT'S NICE TO HEAR
BUT SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE.
BECAUSE THEY STILL CHOSE TO DO
WHATEVER THEY CHOSE TO DO...

But it would be DIFFERENT
if I did that to him, right?

If I did anything to anyone
that they have been doing or have done.

It would be different if I turned my back on them.
BUT THEY TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME
BY CHOOSING TO HURT ME
INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO ME.

SO THEY CAN'T COME CRYING TO ME
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE HURTS THEM. 

Usually, when I'm mad, I've held back
for as long as I could hold back. 
Noticed things. Didn't say anything. 
Hoped people would realize on their own.
They didn't.

BUT IF PEOPLE JUST LISTENED TO ME
INSTEAD OF REFUSED TO LISTEN TO ME, 

INSULT ME AND ASSAULT ME INSTEAD...

MAYBE SOMETHING THAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH
MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE.

BUT... NOPE! REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME.
ONLY TO THOSE WHO DON'T EVEN VALUE THEM AT ALL. 

So now, that the last decade was a lot of wasted time, 
and I'm feeling so much better than I was...

Especially because I've found my inner strength again.
And I'll be using it more and more. 

The first thing I'm going to be doing is saying no. 
Even when it's been hard. I have to take care of myself. 
I spent years as an emotional wreck. 
Because of how other people we treating me. 
They had no right to. 
Somehow I let them do it to me.
When I could have just said no.

Instead, I kept trying harder for their approval.
And I banked how I felt based on their approval. 
WHO TF DID I THINK THEY WERE
TO EVER EVEN WANT THEIR APPROVAL?

NOW I GET TO BE DISMISSIVE AND SILENT
AND KEEP THEM HANGING, I GUESS.
BUT DOING THE EXACT SAME SH*T TO ME
THAT THEY TOLERATE FROM OTHER PEOPLE
IS NOT FLYING WITH ME ANYMORE.
IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE FLOWN WITH ME.

Do I forgive my ex for almost killing me?
(If that punch landed on my temple and it was within an inch)
Sure, I can forgive him. 
But am I going to tolerate even being treated that way?
No.

He's surely realized it now.
Now he sees why
people need to learn to control their impulses.

And learn to treat people fairly in the first place.
Don't sit on your ass and let someone else do all the work. 
Because it isn't fair to the person doing the work. 

AND WHY SHOULD YOU GET PAID
FOR WORK YOU AREN'T DOING?

LET ALONE TREAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT?
LIKE YOU'D RATHER SIT ON YOUR ASS
THAN EVEN UNDERSTANDING
HOW THAT ISN'T FAIR TO HER.

Like it wouldn't be fair to him
if I went to BC to live with him
and wouldn't help with basic stuff like chores.
Watched me doing everything FOR HIM.
Then he gets me a job that we could do together
And call him names when he's upset with me
for sitting on my ass right in front of him
while he's working
and we had plenty of time for both of us
to sit on our asses when we got home AFTER work. 

AND THEN PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD
CLOSE TO HIS TEMPLE.

THEN I EVEN BROUGHT ALL THE STUFF THAT HE LEFT HERE.
BECAUSE HE WAS TOO SCARED TO COME BACK.
I BROUGHT IT TO HIM.

HE COULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD THE DECENCY
TO COME GET HIS STUFF BEFORE HE LEFT.

IT WAS ALL PACKED WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO DO.

I'm just saying it would be a different story
if I was the one who did that to him. 

Just like with all the other things people did to me.
Throughout my life. It didn't start with him. 


People justify their sh*ttiness it seems. 
I don't want to hear their excuses for their choices.
I don't want to hear their reasoning or justifications.
What is sh*tty to do is still sh*tty to do.

It bugs me that I have to teach anyone that.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
Did my ex know he was punching me in the head
when he was doing it? He chose to.


Did the next guy try to emotionally wreck me
all because his baby mama was trying to keep him down
and him away from me. 
She got what she wanted.
He chose that.
So I said no to that.

Did the next guy overlook me and take advantage of my generosity?
Absolutely, but he knew what he was doing.
I also knew he knew what he was doing.
It had to stop so I said no to that.


If I'm not what they want for whatever reason.
Say it.
When I'm upset for whatever reason. 
Listen to my reason. 
Simple as that.
If you turn cold to me, show me you don't care, 
I can do the very same. 

I don't have to be the good person who keeps saying yes. 
I'm allowed to say no.

What I am going to say yes to is building myself back up. 
To where I used to be...
But so much has changed me that I'm not really how I used to be either.
That one who was always expected to show up
FOR EVERYONE doesn't have to show up.

IF I AM NOT VALUED AS A PERSON,
I DON'T HAVE TO STAY WHERE I AM NOT VALUED.

The last few years have really shown me and opened my eyes.

People who have tried playing with my emotions
will see why they shouldn't have tried.
They will wish they hadn't.
One by one they will see why I never deserved it.

And maybe what they chose over me
wasn't the better option.

Can't reverse it and be sorry about it now.
Especially when things aren't changing. 
And I'm still not being listened to.

I'd rather be alone the rest of my life
than be with anyone who refuses to listen to me.
I have had enough of it.
I have voiced how I feel about it.
I got pissed off about it.
And nothing changed.

No matter how I feel/felt about anything. 
Even the things that were really bothering me.
AND HAVING TO CARRY THAT FOR SO LONG.
BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

IT WOULD BE EITHER HOLD IT IN
OR IT GOT TURNED INTO A FIGHT
WHEN IT NEVER HAD TO.

BUT PEOPLE NOT REALIZE WHY
SOMETHING IS BOTHERING ME
OR NOT CARING THAT IT BOTHERS ME.
OR KNOWING IT WOULD PROBABLY BOTHER THEM
IF IT WAS ME DOING IT TO THEM.

What I really want to know is WHY they think it was okay
to do in the first place.

Like "Don't say this to me, it really pisses me off."
Does it, keeps doing it. Some more and more...
DID I NOT TELL YOU NOT TO?!?
RESPECT THAT.

IF I DON'T WANT TO BE WOKEN UP
BETWEEN 5AM AND 7AM, 
UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY OR URGENT,
RESPECT THAT.

IF I CAN'T ASK FOR SMALL ASKS
LIKE DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING.
DON'T TELL ME TO WAIT FOR YOU
THEN TURN AROUND AND TELL ME
"SO SORRY BUT...."
AFTER I ALREADY WAITED FOR YOU.

SMALL, VERY SMALL ASKS...
IT'S NOT A LOT I EVER ASKED FOR.
TINY ASKS THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ASKS.

If I have to ASK for basic respect, 
or even show someone what basic respect is...
BUT WHO GIVES AF ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!

They know I have valid points. 
But instead of acknowledging the sh*t they did...
Because they don't know what I went through
because they don't even want to look at what I went through. 
Especially when they were a part of it.
Would rather run and hide than be confronted. 
Which is why my ex left all his stuff here
after he punched me in the head.

Because they know that I know what they did wasn't right.
I don't have to actually waste my energy on fury
that I could unleash on them, 
but that would only make me 'crazy'
and fit the narrative they designed and crafted
for trying to excuse themselves for anything they do. 

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE CONFRONTED
DON'T DO THINGS YOU NEED TO BE CALLED OUT ON. 

There's only so long I have where I just let people treat me like that.
I have let too much sh*t slide. For too long now. 

TOO MUCH "I DON'T CARE"
WHEN I HAVE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS.
UNTIL I HAVE HAD EVERY LAST DROP I CAN TAKE.
YET I WAS LOYAL FOR YEARS.

TO PEOPLE WHO NEVER DESERVED MY LOYALTY.
WHO CONSTANTLY PUT ME DOWN AND HELD ME BACK....

READY FOR THIS?! SHOCKER!!!
I WAS HOLDING MYSELF BACK BY BEING LOYAL
TO PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T VALUING ME.


The thing is that when you can't make up your mind
it's just as easy to make the wrong choice as the right choice.
If we make the wrong choice, there isn't taking it back.

Every little thing anyone does that shows they are taking me for granted, 
will stop. Every little thing I did that I didn't have to do will stop.
Everything they've ever taken for granted from me will stop.
Because all I've taught people my whole life
was to take me for granted because I let them.

And yes, I can reflect on a lot I took for granted. 
The time I wasted that I could have been with my Grandmother.
Instead, I was too busy being selfish and doing stupid crap.
I took that time for granted.
Can't get it back.




Some things were revealed to me that I am having a hard time digesting.
Let alone processing and I know how hard it is
because of how hard it is to fathom.

I'm not going to reveal it here to protect the privacy of those involved.
It's that I'm involved indirectly. 

I feel like doing something about it. I want to.

I know I should, but I don't know what to do
other than try to remove that person from their situation.

If the person doesn't want to be removed from the situation,
then, they continue to suffer. 

What to do when someone refuses help?

I get it. I couldn't even talk to anyone trying to push help onto me.
Even if their intentions were to actually help me.
I was so stuck in a mentality that I couldn't even look at
the mentality I was stuck in. 

Getting unstuck was hard. I do most things on my own.
Learning all this stuff and letting myself help myself. 
Learning to let myself emotionally support myself
by validating my own feelings.
Despite anyone's refusal to hear how I feel.
Despite anyone trying to treat me like I don't matter.

And that I kept people in my life who took me for granted.
And I let them keep taking me for granted.

I had such a low self-worth that my standards were pretty low.
I wasn't taking care of myself in a lot of different ways. 
Most of it was like being in a jail cell
with the key to unlock it right in your hands.
When we're too involved in our own thoughts
we can let those thoughts take over.

A few years back I was like stuck in a loop.
Because for whatever reason I had kept myself
on an emotional rollercoaster.
It was consuming most of my thoughts. 

I wrote about it on here. Until I got it out of my system, I guess.
Maybe I wore myself out. 
Anyway, that had to happen. A lot had to happen to me.
For me to realize how strong I actually am.

Was thinking back on something someone said to me:
"Things didn't happen to me, they happened for me."

For me to develop composure. I have a lot I could fume about.
If I fumed about it, I'd be wasting my energy.
Doesn't change the way I feel about it, 
just changes how I react
because I get to choose that.

Not the person trying to get the reaction they want or expect from me.

I'm the kind of person who's not really great at expressing emotions outwardly
due to keeping a lot of sh*t in that I shouldn't have let myself carry this long.
Or at all. For that matter.
What good was it? Kept my narratives going
that everyone else was to blame for MY sh*t.

Until I took what's on me and not blamed anyone for doing it.
Because I was the one who chose to do it.
I chose to do the wrong thing.
Even for the wrong reasons.

Because of that mentality. 
When you're away from people with that mentality,
you can start seeing how it was affecting yours.
Your mentality.

It's true. People start thinking like those around them. 
Those they chose to have around them or be around. 

But what bugs me is when people try to GET me to think like them.
Of course there were people seeing how yuck my mental state was.
They tried reaching out. Because they had some things to tell me.

I guess I wasn't ready to receive help. 
I think it had to do with the beliefs I had at that time.
Believed nobody cared, some did.
Even one person is somebody.

I wasn't ready to listen. That's what it was.
I didn't want to be called out because it felt bad.
But also, because of how it felt I didn't want to call myself out.

The more I did it, the easier it got.
Still not pleasant to do, 
but think of it this way: "What can I learn from this?"
What can I learn ABOUT MY OWN MENTALITY.

Because too many times we have to steer ourselves in the right direction. 
If we relied on someone else to steer us
1) What if they don't show up to do it?
2) What if they lead you astray?

So... Steer yourself. 
Inner strength is fortification. 
Why do we need fortification?
To prevent attacks.

Because people who want to try to break you
will try to break you.
You have the choice. Let them or don't.
I could have easily been broken. 
Many times over. Many times.

I had a major slip a few years ago.
Went into a huge crisis mode.
I wrote about that, too.

I had to pull myself out of that. 
Out of the feelings I was having
in the state of mind I was in.

It almost broke me.
All that pain. 
It didn't.
Because I'm becoming fortified.

There's a lot that is my choice
that I didn't think was my choice
that I wasn't taught was my choice.

I was stuck in the mentality of pain.
I was letting my emotions run the show.
That was all I knew how to do.
That's all everyone around me did.

Like I said. What others have done would not be okay for me to do.
The emotional and psychological abuse...
It would not be okay for me to do that to them.
Playing with my feelings.
But if I played with theirs?


I guess bottom line is that you can't expect
someone who is used to unhealthy
to get used to healthy
unless they let themselves get used to it.

I've had a lot of experiences that illuminated what's not healthy about myself. 
Also, I've had a lot of time to reflect on those illuminations. 

That's a huge thing for change. How we show ourselves things.
Starting with how mentality works.

I was showing myself how my mentality was
by the things I was doing and the fact that I kept doing them
and kept letting myself do them
because I never thought about why I thought like that.
I never looked at my own reasoning. 
And until I did. I didn't see how unreasonable I was being.

Giving people with cold shoulders a cold shoulder...
Does it solve anything?
Does it teach anything?


How do you actually get through to someone?
Can you if they don't want to let you?


It can take a lot of convincing.
I'm still trying to convince myself to convince myself to convince myself...
But... We can convince ourselves of all kinds of things. 
So why can't we convince ourselves
that we're actually worth more
than our experiences "made" us feel.

The even does "make" you feel.
You can choose to feel, when, where, how to express it.
I'm pretty sure that after everything I've been through, 
I probably won't react to things the way people might expect.

Also, I learned from how I used to react.
The way people expected me to.
Because most of what they did was to get a reaction from me.
Why give them that?

Like if I reacted to my ex punching me in the head
by punching him in the head... 

Or did things I knew bothered people
just to bother them...


I could have. I could. But why?
To get something out of doing it?
The reaction I wanted?




Like I used to pick on my younger brother.
I did get something out of it.
Then I realized I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I was taught a lot of sh*t was okay
because it was being done to me.
And I was taught that was okay. It wasn't. It's not. Just not.

But I had to learn that it wasn't okay.
Not from the people who taught me that it was.


Like I said: when you're dysfunctional you can't really see
how dysfunctional you actually are.
Especially in an environment that's dysfunctional.


Like how group homes are.
A bunch of dysfunctional kids
from dysfunctional enviroments
thrown in together.
I know. I was in like 10 of them.

And my son resenting me for telling him to go to his room?
He doesn't have many points of reference.
Because he was never in group homes.
He never got sent to the detention center.

He doesn't get it, yet.
I have faith in his ability to get it.
Took me a while to get it.


People who haven't grown in a long time
doesn't mean they can't. 
It has to be their choice.
Rohn said "Nothing changes by chance, only by choice."


It's pretty eye-opening how many choices we actually have.
We have the choice to choose.


What would the world be without mentors?
Rohn mentored Tony Robbins.