They Wouldn't

It's like I have to explain to people how
that if I was the one doing it they wouldn't like it.
That I shouldn't just expect chances after that.
How them choosing to do that mattered to them more
than the chance they wanted from me.

It's like trying to teach a child, 
but a child who already knows.

Saying all kinds of things they wouldn't say to other people
then either flat out denying that they even said it.
Or using some distraction to avoid talking about it.

I grew out of that. I was raised like that.
Like people doing and saying something to me
and treating me the way I don't want to be treated
but choosing to treat me like that.

And when I reach my limit 
they blame me for reaching my limit. 
And act all scared and play the victim. 

Like the people who literally left me out in the cold
keep expecting me to give them the warmth I provided all along. 

All because they didn't get why I was always 'angry.'
Wouldn't you be p*ssed if the people who are supposed to care
about you enough to want to listen to how you feel
are the same ones who want something from me?

It's funny how they become 'loyal' enough
to expect me to keep giving them what they want
then not realize the bed they made with me
is the bed they choose to make with me.

Could have thought about that when they chose to do
what they chose to do.

They'd say the same for me.
Because it applies to me just the same as it does to everyone.

What if I was just loyal enough to get what I wanted?

And to 'win' a 'fight'
can't admit defeat, 
but if they are defeating themselves, 
how are they 'winning' the 'fight.'

I could stubbornly argue if I chose to
But why argue with someone who wants to argue
about giving you what they know you want
just so they don't let you 'win.'

And what you want is something very simple. 
That shouldn't have to be fought for. 

To be respected, shown respect, to be considered, and shown consideration. 
Same things they want and expect for me
and then take for granted that I give that to them. 
Without making them 'fight' for it.
Because I want to give it to them. 

It's to the point that it'd be cool if everyone were more considerate. 
And yes, myself included. 
I am not exempt for needing to improve the consideration I have. 
Had I been more considerate a lot would be different. 
Had others been more considerate of me and my feelings...
Instead of blaming me for when I reach my limit
of their inconsideration. 
When all they had to do was be considerate enough
to be considerate and actually consider some things. 

Instead of taking me for granted
when they got too comfortable with me being there. 
"She'll always forgive me and take me back."
To be taken for granted some more?
All I have to do is elicit sympathy from her
and she'll stop talking about how she feels
so that she can feel bad for me
instead of how she feels about what I did to her
that I'd rather either deny entirely or 'not remember.'

Without thinking: "What if she did this to me?"
"How would I feel about it?"
Then "I shouldn't expect them not to feel the way I would feel
if they did that to me."

But the minute I'm cold and treat them like they treated me...
That is a different story. 

Then they get scared. Because I'm 'angry'
instead of "I'm upset that you're not listening to me
and you make me say the same things over and over again
and seem to understand those concepts when they apply to other people.
So don't they apply to me, too?"

I'm 'angry' because it's like they don't see how they treat me. At all. 
Like in the psych ward, I watched staff treat patients like they are children. 
Like they were running a daycare center.

And that doing 'paperwork' was their actual job. 
Not attending to the patients.

Doctors talking down to me
whenever I try to explain something to them
like they think I'm literally stupid
just because they don't 'get' what I'm saying.
But if they weren't busy talking down to me, would they?

I've had to tell someone who spoke to me that way recently
that it is insulting to always be spoken down to.
To even be spoken down to at all. 

Someone once told me:
"You're the only one who didn't treat me like a ret*rd."
(I'm only using the word because that's the word he used).

It's like he doesn't get that I didn't because people shouldn't be. 
Yet imagine being treated like I am. 
Being discriminated against to the point
that because you're SO misunderstood that you get frustrated
and because it's SO damn frustrating 
for people to realize that I want the same as they want.
Some consideration. 
They seem to give freely to other people
who aren't being considerate of them....!!!!

It's like they'd rather be gaslit into believing lies
AND GASLIGHT ME AND EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
STRAIGHT UP LIES
THAN CONFESS BECAUSE THEY KNOW
THAT I WOULD HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE UPSET
ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE HIDING
THAT THEY WERE TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH.

I SHOULDN'T BE EVEN TRYING TO PROVE MY WORTH TO ANYONE.
AND WHEN I DID THE MOST FOR PEOPLE
WHO TOOK FOR GRANTED THAT  I WAS DOING THAT.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO THINGS JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT
JUST LIKE THEY DON'T.

It's like this:
My son is mad at me for sending him to his room as a child.
Now all he wants is to stay in his room
and blame me that he's used to it
because I sent him to his room as a child.

What was I supposed to do?
If he's p*ssed off for being treated like crap
all day at school, I'm the one who has to set boundaries.

As a child, I saw people being all kinds of shitty
and whenever I wanted to say something
about how I felt about them being sh*tty
I'm just being 'angry and out of control'
because I'm upset that they aren't being considerate
and then turn it to me that being angry isn't being considerate.

How do people who aren't considerate
supposed to expect consideration
but they can be all kinds of considerate to other people.

Maybe 'angry A***' is actually regular A***
who is upset with the damn double standard. 
Like all the things that would p*ss you off
don't apply to me.

But you notice when I get angry.
Not when you were being inconsiderate.

But if I was being inconsiderate, it would bother you.
And if I point out anything, I don't make any sense...
All kinds of BS tactics. 

No more BS tactics. 
No more BS anything
to try to get out of talking to me
about how I feel
and then when I get upset about it
it's like I'm a crazy person. 

But they want what they want from me and get to
which is usually getting away with things
they don't even 'remember' doing or saying.

I'd rather just hear an admittance than go through an avoidance.
You want me to admit and be accountable
for how I talk to you, do the same for me.

If you don't want me to treat you like I don't have the time for 'this'
when 'this' is literally you. 
And that a million other things are more important
than dealing with you
and you getting mad at me for treating you that way
but look how you're acting. YOU are mad.

But not: I disrespected you AGAIN
by talking down to you
AFTER SAYING SORRY FOR TREATING YOU
THE WAY I ALREADY KNOW I SHOULDN'T TREAT YOU.

AND WHAT ANGERS ME IS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW.
THAT YOU ARE MAKING YOUR OWN BED

THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET IN AND OUT
THAT I LET YOU GET TOO COMFORTABLE
WHEN YOU WERE IN MY BED.

Wouldn't that upset you after a while?
And the unseen people do it to someone who sees them. 
Bite the hand that feeds them. 

I shouldn't have to scold anyone who scolds themselves. 
Yes, I should have scolded myself, too.

But really, it's like they get scared of me when I scold them.
But not scared when they did whatever. 
Because they thought they could just get away with it.

And when I scold them for doing it,
because they already know they shouldn't do it.
Since they already know, don't. Simple as that.

"I shouldn't leave A*** hanging."
"I shouldn't treat her like she's not worth the basics."
The basics are things like consideration. 
And then when I don't it's like the only one who doesn't. 
But it's like being expected to be the only one who does
and that gets tiring."

But really all the things people do to me and say to  me
and expect me to be okay with them acting how they act with me
when they aren't okay with how I act with them. 

Like they can scold me all they want, 
but different when I point out anything they are doing
by being upset they did that and knew I would be. 

It's like they don't realize that they are LUCKY
I even gave them chances after what they did. 
They just expect me to be there NO MATTER WHAT.
LIKE I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE OR NOBODY ELSE.

But they treated me like I was the lucky one. 
Obviously I'm not 'winning' anything
with someone who doesn't want to let me 'win'
or be 'right.' 
Because that would prove the battle of wills was for nothing
like they already knew it was.

But if they want to have one, I'll show you my resolve, too.
If your resolve is to play the game of win or lose, you lose.

Because if you understand where I'm coming from
(because you should already be able to see it)
((because if you did anything that was any part
of where I'm coming from you're part of it))

you can't just expect me to be all like:

"You're sorry for the 50th time? That's okay.
I don't respect myself enough not to let you do it 50 more."


It's like this analogy based on real events:
A guy literally cuts his brother's throat, 
his brother survives and now the brother babysits for him all the time.
And all the guy has to do:
Be sorry he tried to kill his brother
Beg and play sob story. 


Where was the brother's compassion?
The guy literally tried to kill him.


And just ask for a hug and make-up.
No, shouldn't be doing the things you want to make up for.
Things you tried getting away with.
Because didn't matter when you wanted that.
So why should it now?

Didn't matter what I wanted, either.
Literally didn't matter.