It's Beyond Frustrating

When people come to me with experiences that I had
that they even put me through, sometimes,
and be all like how it wasn't fair to THEM
without realizing all the ways so much
wasn't fair to me.

It also really bothers me when people think
that I'm lacking so much that I can't do anything
like they really underestimated my intelligence. 
But say something underhandedly, insulting....
Then saying they were just being 'realistic.'

Like saying "Realistically, I don't think you are capable
of doing anything because I don't think you're smart enough to do it."

Like thinking they are so much better than me
because THEY know the solution and 
I'm supposedly stupid
and hadn't already thought about
everything they 'suggested'
when I wasn't looking for suggestions or opinions. 

It really bothers me that people think so f*cking little of me. 
It disgusts me and then my son doesn't think I understand?
Does he not see he's one of the people who has been
treating me badly?
Doesn't want to talk about how things affected me.
Doesn't like me explaining from my point of view.
Nobody does! Don't want to hear it.
Because they'd have to admit that I am right
and would rather die than acknowledge anything
from my point of view.

And that some things fell to his father to help him with
since he took custody of him.
His father totally failed him.
He was failed in so many ways by so many people. 
Yes, that affected him. 
I've been trying to tell him how upset I've been
at everything that was going on back then, 
had nobody to turn to.
Nobody to help me teach him.
Only someone who taught him to look at me a certain way
and to treat me a certain way. 

And then whenever I expressed that I was upset about it
people treating me like I'm like mentally handicapped
and can't figure things out for myself...

When I actually know more than they think I do.
They should rethink how they look at me.

If they ever listened to me...
 
And all those feelings and beliefs that I didn't matter
that I had to overcome and people STILL do not care how I feel.
And show me that they are willing to intentionally hurt me
by looking at me like I can't do anything.

I pulled myself out of pretty dark places.
I did that by myself because I couldn't trust anyone. 
Because I've been hurt by most people I've met.
Sooner or later. 
The only times they regret it are when
they didn't get anything out of it
and when they see they did it for stupid selfish reasons
and when they realize it would have been wrong
for me to treat them that way.

Otherwise, it seems that if they think twice
they might rethink things.
A lot of sh*t I believed wasn't the case. 
Just like a lot of sh*t people think about me isn't the case.
Yet they believe it anyway. 

Imagine being treated like a mentally disabled person
your whole life
only because people refused to listen to you
and just assumed your intelligence is low?
By people who should actually know me by now?
But they were too busy feeding a false narrative about me.
Because in that false narrative, they're better than me in every way. 
In that one, they are right and they never assumed sh*t about me
that actually isn't true. They could never be
surprisingly wrong about me
because that would alter the way they view me. 

They'd rather argue for the version of me
that's based on their assumptions and opinions about me.
Then treat me a certain way because I'm that version. 
To them, always.

Like I'm the one who needs help and can't help anyone...
The reason I can't help them is they won't listen. 

When I was going through the thick of it, 
and doing it completely on my own, 
NOBODY UNDERSTOOD
BECAUSE THEY DON'T SEE THINGS THE WAY I DO.

And I wouldn't listen to people who were actually trying to help me. 
I found their ways to be unhelpful.
I found people to be pushy and manipulative.

The thing with having been manipulated,
when you get to a certain point where you can see what's going on.
But it's hard to put a stop to something you've allowed for so long.

Being under other people's influence instead of learning
how to positively influence ourselves to positively influence 
and enrich our own lives.

If we aren't taught to do this 
It's something we have to learn on our own. 

How do we know what's right and wrong
good and bad without people teaching that?

It's like my generation of parents aren't preparing their kids
for the real world. 

All the false beliefs are just thoughts we think over and over
until the thought became a belief.

And people can only see me from how they choose to look at me.
It's their damn choice!
If he doesn't understand that I can see him for what he's been through
he won't be able to understand that I can see him not see what I've been through.

And how his choices affected me.
And everyone's choices. Including how they choose to see me.
As though I know absolutely nothing and I'm mentally disabled.
Or too slow to understand simple things.
I understand much more than I can actually express verbally
DUE TO NOBODY LISTENING TO ME.
I DIDN'T LEARN THE COMMUNICATION SKILLS

AND EVENTUALLY STOPPED TALKING
TO MOST PEOPLE
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO LOOK AT ME
LIKE I AM THE SAME PERSON FROM YEARS AGO.

AND BECAUSE I'M NOT EVEN AROUND THEM
THEY CAN'T SEE OR KNOW WHAT EVEN GOES ON
IN MY HEAD. 
I DON'T GO BOASTING ABOUT MY INTELLIGENCE
THAT IS WHY MOST ASSUME WHAT THEY ASSUME.

IT DOES ACTUALLY BOTHER ME
BUT I REFUSE TO RECONDITION A VIEW OF ME
THEY DECIDED TO TAKE. 

Sometimes I hope that one day people who knew me
in my personal life, who are actually pretty few,
will read this from like start to finish
and realize that I have more together than they thought I had. 
And that they were wrong about me. 
But never bothered questioning their assumptions about me.

Imagine how frustrating it is to be treated like that
like I barely exist let alone my feelings exist.
And wonder how being treated like that may have affected me.
Then wonder how I'm actually coping with it better
than I did years ago. 

How sorry I felt for myself because of all I went through.
How I wasn't taking accountability for my role in anything.
How I didn't even really want to look at myself at all.
Even on the surface, let alone deeper.

Which I'm still doing, 
but not writing about it so much these days. 

I guess this is the only place I actually felt heard.
When people don't want to listen to me, for whatever reasons, 
that is their choice. I can't force anyone to listen to me. 
And maybe he will get the point one day 
that I wasn't trying to force him to listen to me
but if he had listened to me at the beginning
I wouldn't have sent him to his room for not listening.

If the school listened to me they wouldn't have called CAS
If CAS listened to me he wouldn't have been living with his father. 
If his father listened to me he would have done
what he was supposed to be doing.

And it's like ALWAYS ALL MY FAULT

THAT NOBODY LISTENS TO ME.
Imagine that?

Being blamed for the choices they make?
About me?

And then when it affects me, they just act like it's not supposed to.
As though I shouldn't be upset about being treated differently
than how they treat other people.

Just because they assume I'm mentally disabled ffs.
Or judge me some other way.

"Do you think you're equipped?"
"Do you think you can handle this?"

It's like nobody can see how far I've actually come.
But also, they don't bother listening...
AND they don't treat me the way they treat other people.

IF I SAID ANY OF THE THINGS THEY'VE SAID TO ME,
TO THEM, IT WOULDN'T BE OKAY FOR ME TO DO.

By the time they realize anything, I'm off doing my own thing
because they could have chosen to have a relationship with me, 
but they chose not to.

Even a functioning relationship. Not talking about romance.
(I almost typed something extremely jaded and cynical about romance).

It's hard for dysfunctional people to realize just how dysfunctional they actually are.
(Speaking as a not-as-dysfunctional-as-I-used-to-be person...)

Like when people are pretty f*cked up and they think sh*t for along time
and none of it is true... It shatters some illusion they had. 
Whatever illusion they spent a long time defending. 

I'm not on here defending my illusions like I'm some great person
or whatever. This is why I don't boast. I could, but I don't. 

My illusions were about how I looked at myself
based on how people were treating me
which affected me.
which was amplified by how people treated me. 

Until... I decided I am not going to let stupid sh*t
that happened to me in my past skew my perception of myself.
No matter how skewed anyone else's perception of me is. 

Just because people can't see my value
doesn't say anything about my worth. 

What I have to say is still valid
no matter who refuses to listen to me. 
But they ought to see how they have treated me
was based on how they chose to look at me. 

And that is based on what they thought of me. 
Which is based on their assumptions about me.

And then judge me based on their assumptions about me. 
Without asking me anything. 
Without questioning how they think of me.
Without questioning how they choose to look at me.
Without questioning how they should be treating me.

And really... I shouldn't have to ask them to.
Or wait until they realize anything on their own. 
Which might not happen.

He looks at it like he has to compete with everyone for opportunities
that we have to do things a certain way, but we don't.

I could have used all my trauma as an excuse to do a lot of stupid sh*t. 
I did, for a while. I couldn't see how I was affecting people around me.

But people judging me and assuming shit and never questioning themselves...
Got to make all the choices that affected me.

So I know how it feels not to have absolute control over my whole life.
Like people want to put me in situations just to test tf out of me
to see how I react to different things they say and do.

What would my life be like if people actually listened to me
and respected me? And treated me properly?

What would my life be like if I had the support?
But then I think that if I had that support I might not have
gone through everything I went through
and I wouldn't have found the strength to pull myself out of it.
Which I had to do because nobody wanted to do that for me
and really that was my own job to do for myself. 

I learned not to rely on other people. To rely on myself more and more.
It's that there should be a healthy balance about who gets let in and who does not. 
Can't be willing to let just anyone in. 

Just hard when people give up a long time ago
and not letting themselves see some things.

I know. I was one of those people. 
There were many times I could have given up
completely and not keep trying.

I don't write on here as much as I used to,
but doesn't mean I'm not learning.
Maybe I should record more of what I've been learning.

I just mostly wanted to express my frustrations
and the reasons why it's been frustrating. 

Why is it not an issue for other people?
Why do they not experience it and learn from that?
Why do I have to?
Just to share my thoughts about it?
With strangers on the internet...
Strangers sharing with strangers.

But how would they feel if they had to experience
other people making themselves out to be better than me
just because they think they know things that I don't
or refuse to let me share my knowledge with them
due to assumptions that I don't know anything.

So he cried to me about people not recognizing his intelligence
when overlooking mine...
Stuff like that is a slap in the face. To me.
But dare I ever say anything about it.
Or be hurt. Or upset. 
About being overlooked. Constantly. 

The thing is overlooking someone who sees
more than people assume that they see.

I have to accept that people assume things about me
without questioning anything.
Not even themselves. 

Because they never overlook or refuse to see anything. 

What can we actually see with our heads
up our own @sses? Can't see anything
except our own shitty views. 

So look beyond that. Beyond what we're used to thinking about
and what we got used to making excuses for, 
and what we know that has to change
that only starts with us and with what we choose.

No 'perfect partner' is going to rescue you from your own issue
and loneliness is no reason to go into anything unhealthy.
Two unhealthy people can't have anything healthy. 

I don't need anyone's unhealthy bullshit excuses
for how they chose to treat me. I don't. 
Even their 'explanation' is a cop-out. 
Like trying to justify it when it's not even right. 

If they had the decency to listen to me the first time I say something
instead of just dismissing me like I have nothing of worth to offer anyone.
"Are you equipped? Can you handle it?
Do you know the one person with the magic words, A***?"

Like wtf kind of sh*t that is to say to someone who knows
their situation better than you do... 

Like I can't crack the code on my own. 
Like maybe I do have the magic words
if anyone would have bothered listening to me.

But why bother listening to A***, she can't tell me anything
THAT I DON'T ALREADY KNOW
BECAUSE I'M SO SMART.
Absolutely smarter...
"She's not equipped."
"She probably can't handle this."
"She's not smart enough."

BUT WHEN WAS I EVER GIVEN A REAL CHANCE TO EVEN PROVE MYSELF?
THEN THEY ARE TREATED BASED ON JUDGEMENTS BASED ON ASSUMPTIONS....
AND NOT LISTENED TO.

That's not supposed to be reconsidered?
Even thought about it at all?

And when someone I did a favor for
After he treated me like sh*t
realizes he never got anything for treating me like that...
What was he hoping to get from it?

Do people even hear themselves talk?
Yet they refuse to listen to anything I have to say
when they know their behavior has effects
but only want to talk about everything I did. 
Nothing they did. Were doing, 
Or didn't do.
Or how they were being.

Just me.

I've had a lot of hard shakes.
Did I let myself destroy myself because of it?
Any of it?! No. 
Could have. Might have. Didn't.

Because what point would that prove?
That I'm as crazy as people say I am?

I've been angry too. About a lot. 
But I didn't let it consume me.

What good would that do?
Would it say it's okay? It's not.

It's fine to feel frustrated, 
but it matters how we express that.

And knowing a lot of sh*t could have been avoided
if people just listened to me.
And not just act like they knew everything
and that I know nothing compared to them etc.

So much could have been avoided.

Although during the detour I've learned stuff along the way.
The detour wasn't for no reason.
New grounds needed to be broken.
Stuff needed to be seen.
And recognized.

Just still driving me crazy waiting
for people to see some things, too.

It took me a long time to get here.
And it feels like a lifetime.
Because it's been my life.

It's a combination of things.
Things that I'm working on changing.

But the major thing is recognizing
what needs recognizing, 

not just understanding
what needs to be understood.

-----------------------------

Because some things, I guess most things
can only be understood when certain things are recognized.

Like can only see from their point of view,
but changing someone's stance could change their view.

It just bothers me when I have to try to explain
my point of view or even try to
people treated me the way they did
instead of just listening to me.

How would it look to them if I did what they did to me?
And assuming I did things for reasons
other than why I did what I did.
Which doesn't matter if it was wrong.
Or right reason, wrong choice
is still the wrong choice.

But recognizing why it was wrong and how it was wrong
are things that should kind of happen at the same time sometimes,
but when people see how it was wrong, they see why it was wrong.

They don't see how it was wrong. Because they don't question themselves.
What am I supposed to do about people assuming sh*t about me?
Wait until the day they realize their assumption was an assumption
or that they judged me based on an assumption...
That they have done without question.

If nobody is telling them to question their own thoughts
how do they learn to tell themselves to do it?

If people around you aren't growing or showing you how to grow,
chances are you're not going to have the advantages of people
who are around the people who are.


Been around people who overlook my worth all the time
telling me how people overlook theirs
after overlooking mine

Yet I still want them to see theirs.
(Even people who have hurt me).

Because it feels so much better
than feeling the way I used to feel.
I know it for a fact because I can tell the difference.

From back in the days the only thing I ever wanted
was someone to see my worth, 
but it had to be myself first.
No matter anyone who couldn't
or straight up wouldn't.

It's been hard. Living with so many lies in my head.
It's the messy room scenario
where someone has to make multiple trips to the garbage
to clean a room that hasn't been cleaned for 3 years.

Someone could come and help the person
clean the whole room, take out all the garbage.
But until the person addresses why they are excusing
their laziness and unwillingness to make the efforts
the room will get to that state again.

I know. I have helped people clean.
And they would mess it back up like my effort
was for nothing. Not appreciated.

Also, I have needed help, too.




What the secret is: we have to motivate ourselves.
We can't rely on anyone else to motivate us.

I had to hit a hard low to take some time to look at things
and get tired of all the lows to take a look at myself.

Despite whether or not anyone looks at themselves.
And can't force them to. Would be great if it were that simple.

"I command you to be healed." Poof!
With all the work that comes with that...
Which people don't want to do
because it actually requires effort.

If you don't go within, you go without.
Going without for as long as I have 
while people could clearly see that I was struggling
and look down on me for that.
Without acknowledging how I rose back up.
Despite wanting to keep me down
and despite keeping myself down for as long as I did.