Things Are Changing

The other night, I got a knock at my door.
Wasn't expecting anyone. Looked through the door-hole...
(yes, I just wrote door-hole)...

And there... Was my son!

So we had a talk and we talked a lot about how things were
for both of us. 
A lot happened to both of us. 
Things we hadn't talked about before. 
Things we needed to talk about for a long time.

He's 20 years old now. 
Said he's done a lot of thinking. 
Said he wants us to work as a team. 

I told him I will do what I can to help him. 

He has a lot of catching up to do, and I see a lot of me in him.

He's seeing that a lot he thought about me isn't true. 
A lot of whatever his father told him.

I'm happy that he and I can do some things together.
I've missed him and missed just being with him. For so long. 

The day that I finally got to tell him what really happened, came.
The truth about how he ended up with his father. 

Says he wants to be on his own and I really think he should. 
I think his being independent would help his self-confidence. 

There's so much he wasn't taught that he ought to know by now. 
But that can be fixed. He can still learn. 

I'm glad he kept up with his interests in math and science. 
He's so clever. 

I told him that I had fears and that I went to the hospital because of it. 
And I told him I don't have to be scared anymore.

There was a time when I was so scared that I almost left the city
to try to start over. Somewhere else. Far from here.

But I guess I was meant to stay, to be here for when he decided.

I want to introduce him to people who have been good influences in my life. 
I want my son to have that. 

He was telling me he remembered when I used to take him to the library. 
And a student's parent asked me one day: "Do you have a tutor for your son?"
I told them that I just took him to the library. 

I found out his interests were math and science.
So I showed him where those books were and let him borrow
whatever books interested him. 

He says he reads his science textbooks every day. 
And put together his own book. By himself. 
I'm impressed with his work. 

He told me some pretty sad stuff. 
About how alone he's felt and why.
I know that feeling. I just coped differently.

I had hobbies and interests that brought me
into my own world where I just could BE myself. 

I've had bullies and stuff. I've been not included in a lot of stuff. 
While others had friends. I was alone a lot, too. 
So I know. I understand.

And hoping that my son understands, more. 
Now that he's older and can see more.
And has thought about some stuff, for the last 3 years.

I've done a lot of thinking, too.

We're all choices away from living different lives. 
Mere choices away. 


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I think that once he gets out more and around good people,
he might see that there are opportunities out there. 

It's hard to see things when you look at things a certain way. 
And all he's had is isolation and seclusion. 
Of course, I feel bad for that. 

I feel bad for all the things he's missed out on in life.
I know the feeling. I missed out on some things, too.

But I just wanted him to know that I know how he feels. 
He said he doesn't blame me
and that I did the best I could do with my circumstances.