Toning It Down

I got a warning from Blogger about a post I made. 
Can't remember what I posted about because I post infrequently now. 
So I better tone it down, a lot. 
Maybe I swore or something, I can't remember. 
I try to sensor stuff like swear words or names etc.

Anyway, it's been a while since I wrote anything. 

There are a few reasons for that, but just trying to live my life, I guess.

The snow is melting, finally. 
Still gets cold at night. 

As long as I take my medication, I can sleep through the night. 
Crazy how sedatives are given as "anti-depressants."
Can't be depressed while you're sedated, I guess.

Been reading a book that got me in the mood to write. 
A book I read already. I'm reading it for the second time.
Apparently, they made a series or something out of it.
I haven't watched it, yet.

I'm starting to feel a bit better than I have in a long time.
In a few years, I guess. Not sure why. 
Maybe springtime gives me some sense of hope and closure. 
Closing of the winter months and everything that came with it. 
Hope, as though this year starts when spring starts. 

It's felt like a long sleep, but a nightmare at the same time, 
until next winter when all those feelings return. 
But I'm glad they seem to melt away, even slowly. 

I'm trying to be careful about what I write about.
Just hard to explain how things have been
without getting into the details... Many details. 

If I had seen things coming, I might not have been so shocked or shaken.
But life goes on, right?

Not sure why I feel lighter, now, than I have in a really long time.
It's kind of like gasping for air and finally getting some.
If that makes any sense. If it's okay to say that.

I guess when I'm trying to explain what I feel and why I feel like that,
maybe I say it in the wrong way? Or maybe I need to tone it down?

The medication is helping and maybe that's what is different, 
but the change in season helps a lot, too. 

Maybe it's the hope, the potential. Of this year being better, somehow.
I guess I won't know until this year is over. If it is going to be good, or not so good.

But I guess this medication is helping me kind of not go up and down so much. 
Of all the diagnoses I've had, why did it take so long to get diagnosed with BPD?
Maybe that could have helped, many years ago. 
Going to therapy and on medication.
I know medication doesn't always work. 
I've taken really crappy drugs I would never recommend to anyone. 
These doctors don't know the effects because they don't take them. 
These drugs are pretty much tested on people. 

I can't get too much into it because I don't want anything I say to get flagged.
Just that I have had some bad experiences that I shouldn't have had
trusting doctors who really don't know about the effects.
Can't really blame them when they think they are helping people. 
I feel that the industry banks on that trust. 
But, I have to keep those feelings to myself. 
Mostly anger, frustration, and a sick feeling in my stomach. 
Thinking about what I went through 
and what others are going through... Still. 
Because taking that off the market is like saying "we admit to the effects."
And that would be a lawsuit. A big one. Can't have that, right?

Anyway, that company got sued for millions, 
but they made billions... 
Banking on the trust of doctors and the medical community.

But I can't get into all of that on here.
There's more I want to get into, but I can't. 
Unless I do it cryptically, but who would understand?
Even when I spill it, who would understand?
What I went through? What I'm still going through?
If they understood, would their opinions change?

Or are most people just committed to misunderstanding me?
To fit some image or me in their minds?
To make themselves feel better somehow.
Like "I was right about her!" Nope, wrong. 

Because if people really understood, they'd know. 
They'd know they were wrong about me. 
But they don't want to be wrong about anything. 
Especially not about me.

And yes, I've been judgemental about people judging me.
Most of my life. Because the way it feels bothers me, a lot. 
But is there anything I can do about it?
Probably not. Because their minds are already made up, about me. 

So may as well live my life, knowing what I know.
Feeling how I feel. 
Even if 99.9% of how I feel goes unexpressed. 
Unprocessed... 
Which just leads to more of those feelings etc.

When I was doing pretty good, after my mourning periods, 
I'd go for walks by myself and just be alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes I'd get some pretty good realizations. 
And they'd help me feel pretty good. 
Feeling good that those small realizations
lead to more realizations and opened me up to other things
beyond what I'd been focussed on. 

Have you ever thought about something so much
that it was pretty much all you thought about?

I spent years, wasted years, thinking about some things
that didn't even really matter. 
Those thoughts just overshadowed everything else.
To the point, I could not concentrate.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. 
And maybe that's what feels better. 
Like all that crap is in the past
and I have a future just calling my name. 
Which feels pretty good.

I don't know why I felt like writing this, today. 
Maybe I finally got really tired and slept for like 5 years
and I'm starting to wake up from hibernation or something.

Maybe there's more to it than that.
I kind of feel like if I try to pick it apart, 
to find a reason for it, I'd ruin it.