Maybe What I Needed

A lot of the time what we need isn't what we wanted.
I've realized that and some things come back at me
to remind me of that. 
Also, what we wanted isn't always what we need.

Take alcohol for example...
I wanted to drink, but did I need it?
I thought I did. To help me deal with things, 
but I was using things as an excuse. 
To justify my stupidly bad habits. 

Maybe I still do that, subconsciously.
Maybe I still sabotage myself.
And that sucks. 

I read something that said:
"Sometimes you need a stop doing list
more than a to-do list."

Maybe what I needed was to start writing, again. 
Instead of waiting until I felt better. 

It's just been a really long winter. 
The winters of our discontent... 

Been trapped in my own head for such a long time.
And I feel like I wasted those years...
It really sucked, it sapped me. 

Can't always get what we want, eh?
Would people appreciate what they got
if they always got what they wanted?

Maybe I should get back into writing again.
It's been a while.
For a lot of things...

Some things I miss and some things I don't miss. 

Maybe I'm still getting my drive back. Hard to say for sure.
A lot of maybes...

I thought I was just tired, but it went deeper than that.
It's more like a lot of things drained me
to the point I went through a lot. 
And it takes a lot to get through it. 
Sometimes it takes everything we've got. 

Plot twists we never saw coming. 
Knocking us completely off our blocks. 

And that's what's hard to deal with.
Especially when we don't know how to deal with it.
Maybe not all of it, or maybe only some of it.
Maybe none of it...
Because it doesn't make any sense.

"Why does anything have to be the way it is?"

Here's something:
"Reality does not need your co-operation to be itself.
The awareness of it needs your help."

Someone told me:
Trying to figure something out
when there's nothing to figure out
is enough to drive anyone crazy.

There are times I remember things people told me. 
Things that make more sense the more I think about it.
And have to remember it to think about it...

A few times someone told me something I told them
actually helped them or someone else.
They told someone what I wrote and it helped. 

That was priceless to me. 
It still means so much to me.

I guess it feels like someone is listening, reading. 
That it wasn't for nothing. 

Hard to fully express that feeling.
At least right now.