Laundry & Other Things

It's been okay. Not great, but somehow better than a year or so ago. 
Been still struggling with some things, but I guess I'm doing the best I can. 

I have a few friends to talk to and visit. 

Been doing some web stuff. 
A lot more to do and hoping to be ready to go by June. 
So there's that to work on. Chores to do. 

Trying to look forward to the future, 
even though I don't know what will happen. 

Just glad that a few things are over, now. 
Just had to move on, I guess. 

I get winded easily. 
When I eat, it hurts going down. 
I don't get the urge to eat. 
Maybe it's easier to eat when I'm around other people. 
Because they are also eating? Idk. 

Just mostly tired, but working towards these goals
to at least say that I accomplished something. 

Every time I feel like crap, I think of a guy I saw at the mall. 
He had hooks for hands. Both hands. 

We don't think about how lucky we are. 
We just find some reason to be sad or miserable or both. 

Because things didn't go the way we wanted them to go?

A lot of crazy feelings are mixed together and it gets intense sometimes. 
It gets overwhelming sometimes. 

I go on the chat rooms and feel like I can hide on there
because nobody really knows who I am. 

But also, I can just be myself. 
Of course, people are going to judge me. 
They will judge me wherever I go, no matter what I do. 
But one thing I am tired of is feeling like I'm never enough. 

At least I get to take this time to work on myself. 
I may as well do that instead of dwelling on everything that went wrong
and everything that could go wrong. 

People even judge me for what I post on here. Whatever. 
More of a place for me to vent and just keep some memories. 
And write down the dreams I have. 

They seem real. 
And I never question myself in my dreams. 
I just go with the flow and go along with what's happening. 

I don't stop to ask myself "Am I dreaming?"
Even when I wake up and go back to sleep... 
I should know that it's a dream. 
I would like to be able to lucid dream. 
Where I can control the narrative of the dream. 
And sneak into other people's dreams. 

Just wish I had more control over my emotions. 
Feeling down, for the majority, sucks. 

The mood stabilizers only help so much. 
Also, I tend to feel better in the spring and summer. 
Because there's more sun and it's warmer. 

This winter, I've only gone out if I really have to. 
To get food, mostly. 

I went to the pool hall on my birthday and rented a table. 
Had the table to myself so I just took shots to practice. 

They have non-alcoholic beer there. I had a few. 
The waitress covered my drinks for my birthday. 

Sometimes I still think I'm 38, but I'm 39 now. 
Next year, I'll be 40. It's crazy to think about. 
Time seems to just keep going. 

Today I was thinking that I'll be an old lady one day. 
I better make something of my youth or I'll have more regrets
than I already have... 

I want to nap but I have things to do. 

Plus, I have to start going to bed earlier
because I slipped into the habit of going to bed super late
and waking up in the afternoon. 

It gets cold in here and I keep wanting to be under my blanket. 

I'm going to the doctor's to get some blood work done. 

I hope that they can test me for everything under the sun. 
Pretty sure that the fainting spells are from being malnourished. 
I fell and hit my head a few times. 
It gets scary. One day I fell a few times.

I ended up leaving myself enough money to do laundry, 
and have a meal. 

But I thought I had enough laundry detergent, but I'm out. 
I put some water in the container and swished it around
to get more soap out. I learned that trick, but forget where or from who. 
I was able to do a couple of loads. 

Nothing really exciting here. 
It just more or less feels like the same day over and over again. 

The neighbors upstairs have a kid and all the kid does is scream constantly. 
I think it's because the parents aren't teaching the kid to talk. 
Sometimes I get headaches, but not much I can do about it. 
It's so high-pitched. It pierces my ears.

At least I don't get migraines anymore. 

I think it had to do with cracking my neck.
I'm pretty sure I damaged my neck by cracking it for years. 

Anyway, I have to go do some stuff. Laundry and other things.