Some Things Bother Me

I feel like my life is kind of starting over. 
But there are things that still bother me. 
Trying to let things go, but it's pretty hard sometimes.

I don't know why some things really get under my skin. 
Like REALLY get under my skin. 
Yet I don't say anything about it
and then it just bothers me more and more. 

That's all I an say about it. 
It just really bugs me that some people
really push their luck with me. 
And yet I have to forgive them for me
because holding grudges takes a lot of energy
that I would rather spend on other things, 
but the thing is that I don't forget about it. 

And a lot of people ask me for things
because they're only thinking of themselves
and then take more than their share. 
Which really pisses me off. 
And do things they know I don't like.

But try and do something they don't like, right?

If you know yu're not supposed to do something, 
don't push your luck and do it anyway. 

I just really don't like or need manipulation. 
The thing about being nice is that certain people expect you
to just give them whatever they want
and get away with sh*t they shouldn't get away with
or even try to get away with. 

Just don't push your luck. Just don't. 
If you're just in it to get what you want, 
get it somewhere else. 

I'm just tired of being and feeling used all the time. 
Because someone wants and expects something from me. 

I'm tired of trying to hide my share
from people who don't want me to have what's for me.
Because they want it for themselves.

Just a bunch of stuff adding up, just grates on me.
It builds up and when I finally say something, 
I'm just really annoyed. Y'know?
Because I wouldn't do that
and I expect them to have more respect for me
and let me have what is mine. 
Instead of taking, taking, taking, taking.
Asking, asking, asking. All the time.
They ask me because they want me to say yes
knowing that I'd feel bad for saying no. 
Knowing they want me to just go with what they want
because that's what they want. 
Not what I want. 

But doesn't matter what I want. Ever.

So that just really gets under my skin. It really does.
Especially since I don't ask for much, in general. 
Not anymore. 

Because we can't always get what we want. 
I just don't do well with greedy people. 

Like having to hide my half of the food
that we're supposed to be sharing, 
so that I can have my half
without being asked for what is mine. 

Like people I used to loan money to...
They asked me expecting me to say yes
and they want me to say yes, 
but they are just using me for money, right?
Because do they pay me back? No.

When they see I've saved mine, they ask for it.
Because they ate or drank theirs.
And I hate having to hide what is mine
just so that I can have it
without being asked for it.

Does this make any sense?

Like do people share anymore?
Do people let others have their share?
Instead of taking more than their share?

But I have to start saying no, 
because if I say yes, even once
it's going to be asking all the time.

You give an inch and people want to take the mile. 
They'll take the mile and leave you with an inch.

Get it? Because this can't just be me on this.

Like being asked for intimacy.
If that was on the table, it would have been on the table. 
And being asked for it is awkward and uncomfortable. 
It has to be natural. 
Like if I feel like giving you something, I'll give it.
If I don't, I won't.
But don't ask for it just because you want it. Y'know?

And when the answer is no, don't keep asking
hoping that the answer is going to change.

That is what I don't like. 
When people do that. Among other things. 

The fact that I'm even explaining it bothers me, a lot. 

But apparently, people need to be told these things. 
Which bothers me even more. 

Should I have to explain these things to grown adults?
How not to push their luck?

And how would I do that without seeming mean about it?

Because whenever you tell someone something they don't want to hear, 
they get upset, right?

Because they have a right to ask, 
but you shouldn't be expected to say yes
just because they want something
and want you to say yes. 

Because then they'll keep expecting you to say yes. Yes?

It bugs me to be expected to say yes. All the time. 
And let people do what they want, all the time. 
Despite what I want.

I want to have my half of the food etc
without having to hide it to keep it for myself. 

And I feel like I have to do that
or people will try to take what is mine
because they just want what they want
without thinking about what I want or even asking me what I want. 

And pretty much what I want is for them to be fair with me.
Because I already give a lot. Given a lot. 
I feel like some people will try to sap me for everything I have, energetically. 

Then I feel depleted, energetically. On an energy level. 
And NEED a break from everything and everyone for a while. 
But they don't like it when I pull away and do my own thing. 

They don't understand any of this
or why it bothers me. 
But do I have to be so nice all the time?
And just give everyone what they want all the time?
Without them thinking about me, ever?

They just get too used to getting what they want
so they ask again and again. 
Because asking worked, right?
Got them what they wanted...

But they get mad when you say no. 
When you want to keep something for yourself. 
Something they want. 

All your time, all your energy, all your food, all your money.
And that's what happens when you give people what they want. 
They'll try to take a mile and a mile after that and after that. 
And they'll really push their luck. They really will. If you let them. 

Without realizing how lucky they actually were
to get anything from you at all. 
And what you gave should have been enough. 
But no, they still want more, right?

Because they are only thinking of themselves. Not you.

That's what really bothers me. A lot of stuff like that. 
And it starts causing problems. 
These issues I have with people. 
Selfish, greedy people. 
Who try to make you feel bad about saying no
when they shouldn't have asked in the first place.

That's it right there. They shouldn't have asked in the first place.
When they've already asked for a lot, 
they think it's okay to just keep asking and asking. 
Because you said yes all those other times...

They take that mile inch by inch by inch, 
then mile after mile. 

And then people wonder why I just want to go my own way. 
Why I hide my food. 
Why I do stuff, for myself. 
Why I need my time to do my things. 
Why I need space and time apart from people
who would suck me completely dry if I let them.

I just had to get that off my chest. I really did. 

I don't have to say yes all the time to everything. 
And I shouldn't be expected to. 
And I shouldn't be made to feel bad for saying no. 
And doing what I want, not what they want all the time.

Because it's not all about me, 
but not all about them either. 

Like sneaking into the kitchen when I'm sleeping
to eat whatever they can, usually MY share
and leaving me with very little
and then wanting the very little they left me with
instead of just leaving it for me...

Eating a whole can of frosting that I bought to share. 

But it's the sneakiness of waiting until I'm asleep. 
To go do what you want. In my home. 

And have the balls to ask me fr what little you left me
then I have to eat it before you ask for it
or eat it without asking. When I'm sleeping. 

It's not that I'm strict about food. 
I want what is left for me to be for me. 

If I split something down the middle, leave mine for me.
Instead of asking me for it.
Expecting me to say yes.

Like going with someone for a couple of drinks. 
Don't drink yours and as I'm drinking mine:
"Are you going to finish that? Can I have it?"

Like didn't you just finish YOURS?
You finished yours, I still want mine. 

I hate when I have to stash my share. 
Just so I can have my half
of something I bought to share. 

When I'm already sharing with you
and then you want my half, or half of my half...
Do I ever get my half?

Do I get to enjoy what's supposed to be left for me? No.
Because someone wants it for themselves.
That is why. 

When I used to drink with my friend M***.
We'd have 3 beers each and right after I finish my second beer
and going for my third, he asks me for it
because he wants mine. 

Why can't we have 3 each?
Why do you get 4 and I get 2?

But I have to let that sh*t go. Right?
And just give everyone what they want all the time.
And what about what I want?
Not to be asked for sh*t people want from me.

Or not have to ask like 10 times for something small. 
Like something someone said they'd give me.

If you don't feel like giving it to me, 
don't tell me you will. 
Because guaranteed, I didn't ask for something
just because I wanted it. 
That'd be selfish, right?

But when I point that out to them, 
Ii'm just being childish
because I shouldn't care about fairness and equality. 
I should just give them whatever and do whatever makes them happy. 
While not even being fair to myself. Right?

Like everyone who ever asks me for anything ever again can fk right off.

I don't ask for sh*t and I still don't get sh*t. 
Instead I just get sh*t on. 
By people who want, want, want, want. Always.

And they don't get it.
That maybe it's not all about what THEY want.

It just bugs me that I'm even writing about this. It just does.


And another thing that bothers me is when they say "sorry"
for doing something they know they shouldn't do, 
but they do it anyway. 

Like "No, you're not sorry. You did it because you wanted to."
So why say sorry after you just did it because you wanted to?

Like sneaking into the kitchen when I'm sleeping?
Just to eat whatever and then when I go and get something, 
it's gone because you didn't leave any for me!

And then wonder why I have a secret stash...
Of my half of things. 

If I give you half, that's yours. 
My half is mine.
So don't ask me for it.
Or I'll be just as sneaky and start hiding things
just so that I can have some
without someone wanting mine
because they already ate theirs.

But still ask for mine
and not leave much or any for me. Right?

My brothers got upset when we were kids. 
Because they'd eat theirs right away
and they wanted mine, but it was mine.

Then maybe save it for when you want it?
Instead of eating it right away?
Or drinking it right away?
Or eating or drinking it because you want it?

It really gets under my skin. 
Because what I really really really want is not to be asked.
And that is why I rarely ever ask for anything. 

If they feel like giving something to me, cool. 
But I don't ask because I want something. 

I just don't get what I want. And that's that.
Because if they wanted to give it to me, they would have.
That goes for intimacy or anything else.