Not a lot going on, been hibernating and depressed.
For a variety of reasons.
Thinking back on a lot of things...
All the things I put up with and was expected to put up with.
And how people couldn't understand why I was upset about any of it.
And today I was reminded about how people believe it
when it comes from someone else.
When I literally have been saying it for a long time.
It's like someone else has to show them the "proof"
because they didn't want to take my word for it.
And someone who didn't believe me...
I sent him an article about it...
Then he gave me the excuse about how he deals with people
insinuating things all the time ignoring the facts.
Then I show him that what I was saying was factual.
But he needed me to show him.
Because why believe anything I say?
Also today, I was reminded about how people tend to blame me for things
that isn't even my fault.
Then nothing good I've done is even recognized...
Let alone appreciated.
And how it takes me to walk out of someone's life
for them to realize I was contributing to theirs.
It shouldn't take for me to stop doing something for someone
to make them appreciate the things I WAS DOING FOR THEM.
When people say they miss me,
what they actually mean is that they miss the things I did for them.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ME
WELL ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY MISS ME...
I am constantly reminded how I wasn't even given a chance,
and how many chances I GAVE
to people who didn't even give me a chance...
AND WHEN I GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE,
AND THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO SHOW ME THAT THEY ACTUALLY APPRECIATE
THE THINGS I DO FOR THEM,
THEY DON'T!
So then why do I give people chance after chance
TO TREAT ME BETTER, to actually treat me better?
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE DONE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WITHOUT BEING GIVEN A BILLION CHANCES???!!!
So when they say they miss me?!
THEY MISSED THEIR CHANCES...
THAT I KEPT GIVING THEM.
THAT I NEVER HAD TO KEEP GIVING THEM.
That's what they have to realize that they missed.
BECAUSE THEY CAN FORGET ALL ABOUT ME.
IF THEY DIDN'T TAKE ANY of the chances,
that I gave them and kept giving them.
THAT I NEVER HAD TO GIVE THEM.
LET ALONE KEEP giving them.
But it is on me to realize "HOW MANY CHANCES ARE TOO MANY?"
If they didn't take THE FIRST CHANCE?
Why would give them MORE chances?
There was something I read once...
It goes: "Giving more of something that isn't appreciated
doesn't make the person who doesn't appreciate it, appreciate it."
If they already didn't appreciate it,
doing it more isn't going to make them appreciate it.
Like "If you didn't treat me right the first time,
giving you more chances to treat me better
doesn't mean you will actually treat me better."
I just keep falling for "I'm sorry."
Does that mean the person is actually sorry?
Does that mean they want another chance?
And if I give that "one more chance..."
AFTER THE LAST CHANCE I GAVE...
And they STILL TREATED ME
THE EXACT WAY THEY TREATED ME BEFORE...
THEN SAY "I'M SORRY."
DOES THAT MEAN I SHOULD GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE?
I've given too many chances
And been told "I'm sorry" so many times...
Does saying "sorry" mean I should forget how I was treated?
Or forget what was done to me?
And what about the apologies I'm never going to get, ever?
From people who won't see the wrong in anything they do?
People can be "sorry" all they want,
but after hearing it for so long... For so many things...
AND PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING...
THEY MIGHT NOT THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE THEY DO IT
OR EVEN MUCH AFTER THEY DO IT...
BUT IF THEY KNOW IT'S ALREADY WRONG...
THEN WHAT GOOD IS AN APOLOGY GOING TO DO?
THEY AREN'T SAYING: "DESPITE EVERYTHING I DID TO HER,
SHE'S STILL GIVING ME A CHANCE."
SO I BETTER USE THIS CHANCE
TO SHOW HER THAT I WON'T EVER DO THAT TO HER AGAIN.
AND ACTUALLY MAKE UP FOR THE SH*T I PUT HER THROUGH
THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT HER THROUGH.
AND REALIZE THAT BULLSH*T EXCUSES
ARE JUST BULLSH*T EXCUSES.
AND SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT, EITHER.
But yet when they SEE, that A*** didn't deserve that.
From me or anyone else, but especially not from me...
THEN THEY CAN LOOK BACK...
ON HOW I USED TO BE...
AND HOW MANY CHANCES I ACTUALLY GAVE...
But giving people the chance to realize something...
That doesn't sink in until much later...
Or a chance to appreciate something
That they took for granted...
Giving people chances NOT to take you for granted
when they already are and have been...
WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT?
Is there a point to that?
If there is... What is it?
Kind of like what is the point of HAVING to prove something to someone
SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW IS TRUE
TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU?
But they BELIEVE YOU when it comes from someone ELSE?
Because "you're insinuating things..."
This is why I don't bring things up.
Because I have valid points...
But if it's coming from me... What's the point?
What's the point of being upset about something
that would bother other people
if it was done to them?
What's the point of being honest? Loyal?
What's the point of treating A*** the way she should be treated?
What's the point of listening to anything A*** says?
She might teach me something?
I might learn something?
BUT WHY AM I THE ONE THAT HAS TO TEACH PEOPLE
HOW TO TREAT ME?
But I teach them how to treat me
by putting up with their bullsh*t.
Even though I DON'T NEED TO PUT UP WITH IT.
I should just do everything I'm expected to do
and everything everyone wants me to do, ALL the time.
Just to be disregarded, in practically every regard.
And then not say anything about it.
On top of that...
Just to suffer needlessly and silently?
So then maybe it's on me to stop giving people
who don't value and appreciate ME
More chances on top of more chances.
When I already GAVE them chances on top of chances...
And when I want another chance, I don't get one...
But WHY should I be given one?
I was already given one.
But I'm expected to keep giving them chances...
When they don't see why I shouldn't and why I stopped.
Did I keep giving them chances because I HOPED things would change?
I've hoped for a lot of things in my life.
But I can't force dishonest people to be honest with me.
No matter how much I wanted to believe them...
I can't force them to tell me the truth
if all they want to do is hide things from me
and not even care about how I feel about it...
I can't force someone who doesn't appreciate anything I do
FOR THEM... WHO JUST EXPECT IT...
To actually appreciate anything I do.
They showed me time and time again that they don't.
So why keep giving them chances to show me that they do? They don't.
Because if they did, they would have shown me the first time,
the second time, the third time
that I gave them the chance to show me...
If they didn't the first, second, or third...
Will they show me on the 10th? The 100th? The 1 millionth?
Probably not...
So why keep hoping that they will? Eventually...
They don't get the point.
Until they run out of chances...
Chances they HAD, chances they were GIVEN...
Only to keep saying "sorry..."
Or not even say it at all...
BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG...
NEVER MISTREAT ME, EVER...
"What's it going to have to take?"
Someone asked me that.
He was asking me about what was it going to have to take
for me to literally stop giving people chances?
WHO DIDN'T DESERVE A BILLION CHANCES...
But... In my HEART, all I wanted was to just be treated
THE WAY THEY SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME
FROM THE BEGINNING...
I WANTED TO BE WORTH THE BARE MINIMUM.
But... Do you know what it took?
FOR ME TO RAISE MY STANDARDS.
That's what it had to take.
And it's not like my standards are CRAZY HIGH.
BUT IF YOU DON'T HOLD PEOPLE TO YOUR STANDARDS...
THEY WON'T HOLD THEMSELVES TO YOUR STANDARDS.
THEY WILL JUST EXPECT TO BE GIVEN A BILLION CHANCES
BECAUSE THEY NEVER APPRECIATED
ANY OF THE CHANCES THEY WERE ALREADY GIVEN.
Just because they want unlimited chances...
To even appreciate what they already had...
While they had it...
DOESN'T MEAN THEY NEED TO BE
OR SHOULD BE
GIVEN UNLIMITED CHANCES.
BUT JUST ONCE...
I'd like for someone to FEEL LUCKY
That I gave them a chance in the first place...
But we can't always get what we want...
Sometimes the apologies THAT ARE LONG OVERDUE
just never come.
Or when they do come, they come with bullsh*t excuses.
"I'm sorry... But it wasn't my fault."
"I'm sorry... But I won't take responsibility for what I did."
"I'm sorry... I knew it was wrong and did it anyway."
"I'm sorry... But I'm going through a lot."
I've heard a lot of excuses. I've given excuses.
I used to excuse my bullsh*t with other bullsh*t.
I know bullsh*t. I was about it, for years.
Until I REFLECTED on all my bullsh*t
and realized it was bullsh*t.
Am I sorry about my bullsh*t?
And being about it? And not realizing a lot of things?
That had to take me to realize for me to realize?
Yes, but that doesn't mean
that my bullsh*t wasn't/isn't bullsh*t.
It was what it was and is what it is.
Bullsh*t is bullsh*t no matter how far back it was.
Time doesn't change bullsh*t into magical forgiveness fairy dust.
Have I forgiven people for all kinds of sh*t they put me through?
Yeah, I have. Did they put me through more? Yeah, they did.
Did I give chances to people to tell me the truth?
Did they? No.
Because the truth would have made them look bad.
So they don't want to hear it.
Especially if it makes them look bad...
But does that mean I deserved to be lied to?
In the first place?
If it makes you look bad, there's a reason for that.
If you're making yourself look bad, you're doing it.
It's nothing you can blame it on, no excuse you can make
to make it seem better than it is...
It's on you.
Just like when I finally realized that my bullsh*t is on me.
BECAUSE MY BULLSH*T IS MY BULLSH*T...
It's mine. I can't just blame it on something else.
To try to avoid taking responsibility
for doing something I shouldn't have done.
I blamed a lot of sh*t for a lot of sh*t.
But in the end, it was on me.
But why I should even have to tell anyone that...
IDFK anymore...
Just like I don't know why I "hope"
that someone who should have treated me well
will EVENTUALLY treat me better
or even see why they should...
Or should have been...
Or should own their own bullsh*t.
And not blame their bullsh*t on other people
or on bullsh*t excuses... Or on me.
And I had to learn to stop giving people a billion chances...
No matter how much I hope and wish for things to change...
Or eventually, get better...
I shouldn't have to hope and wish for that.
And I definitely won't beg for that.
"Please treat me better! Pretty please!"
"Please care about my feelings."
"Please think of me, not just think of yourself..."
It's one thing to expect everything from people all the time,
it's another to lower your expectations,
but lowing your expectations
doesn't mean lower your standards.
If your standards are too high and expectations are too high,
People won't meet them no matter how hard they try.
I've tried to meet expectations that were too high.
I didn't meet them.
Because they were way too high.
I've had expectations that were too high,
when I thought I wasn't wanting or asking too much...
I don't really ask for very much of anything.
So why are people I've given a billion chances to
expecting a billion more?
I've already given them a billion chances...
So what's a billion more?
See the point?
But why do people believe me when it comes from someone else?
Does it have to do with why they treat others better than they treat me?
But yet they still believe it when someone else says it.
And they still treat me the way others treated them...
EVEN WHEN I TREATED THEM BETTER
THAN OTHERS TREATED THEM...
But what makes people automatically respect some people?
What makes them decide to treat them better?
Because the people I never thought would treat me like that...
They did.
Then hoping and wishing they'd treat me better
didn't make them treat me better.
And I was also reminded, not only about how others get treated
differently than how I get treated...
I'm reminded how other people don't have to
jump through all the hoops I have had to jump through
just to get basic things.
And this is why I stick more to myself now than I used to.
Because why keep trying?
Because I hoped it would be different this time around?
Because I hoped they would like me enough to treat me properly?
Because I hoped that if I gave them another chance
to treat me better, that they actually would?
Because I hoped that the person I wish would understand me
would just "get" me.
Because I wanted something to just come naturally...
And just be a natural thing...
And just go well because why shouldn't it?
But no matter how hard I try,
I'm not going to be good enough for people
who just want "better."
Better looking, richer, whatever people...
They want people who are like them,
but then cry to me that THEY treated THEM
the way they treated ME.
See what I'm saying?
When I'm literally showing you that I will treat you better than that...
Why are you treating them like gold
and treating me like I'm not worth anything?
If I was valued, I wouldn't have been treated like that.
But I can't force anyone to value me.
Or appreciate what I do. FOR THEM.
Most of the time nobody asks me what I want.
Like I'm not supposed to want anything.
But what I've always wanted
are the things I've been given the least.
That doesn't cost anything...
Christmas seems to be about buying things,
but what about the things we can't buy?
"A***, what do you want for Christmas?"
"To be treated better."
To be heard, to be understood, to be appreciated, to be loved...
To be valued...
Forget about being cherished...
That's probably asking for too much...
But I can't ask for the chances I've already been given.
I can't ask for anyone to look at me differently
or to see me differently,
to treat me the way they would treat other people...
I can't ask to be forgiven for things I shouldn't have done.
I can't ask for anyone to want me
the way they want other people...
Especially if they want them for superficial reasons...
I can't ask for adoration.
I can't ask for admiration.
I can't ask for a lot of things.
But the basic things... Why can't I ask for those?
And why should I have to ask for those?
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