I'd Rather Be

Been feeling like being alone more and more lately.
It's been coming for a long time.
It feels better than being with people who don't understand me, at all.

At least I understand "me, " right?

I guess that's beside the point.
And I'm not really sure what the point is anymore.
Or if there even is one, or even ever was.

Sometimes I just want to wake up
and realize this was all a dream, within a dream.

And that none of this was ever real. 

Speaking of dreams, I had a really weird one last night.

I dreamed that someone, a neighbor, warned me to watch out for snakes.

Then all of a sudden, really big snakes started appearing. 
Out behind the building, I live in.

Like giant, anacondas...
A gigantuous one, a blue one
was trying to attack a horse.
The horse killed it by grabbing it by the "neck"
and closed the snake's airway, until it died.
Saving himself from the snake.

Gigantuous probably isn't an actual word, 
but I don't have a word to describe the size of this snake
that was in my dream. 

I miss some people who aren't in my life anymore.
And I miss how things used to be, how they used to be. 

I miss a lot of things.

I don't miss how I used to be, though. 
I'm glad I've changed so much. 

Many people have told me that I can't dwell on my regrets. 
That I'd only be ruining myself that way. 

Hard to stop looking back to the things I miss, 
but the more I miss those things, the more I miss those things. 

And I don't want to feel the heartache a billion times every day.
Every. Day.

A lot of things died inside. 
And I guess I just need to protect myself from more pain. 
It feels never-ending. My soul is tired. Really tired. 

I'm back to some things that bring me some comfort.
Because... At least I have that.
I have to just be glad that I have what I have.

Things can be taken away, 
and I know things are just things.
Some things can't be replaced with other things.
They just can't. 

But I don't want to mourn for the rest of my life. 
Or live in regret for the rest of my life.

There's still beauty amidst the pain.
Of having my heart torn out a billion billion billion times.
Like every time I want to trust someone, 
they turn around and betray me.

Well, there are some people who haven't. 
I don't think they would. 
I would hope that they wouldn't. 

But I don't know what people say about me behind my back. 
They say enough to my face.

I've been lied to, to my face.


There's a winter storm going on right now.
Started yesterday. 

100 car pile up.

Fights were canceled and people were trying to drive home
for Christmas... Only to get stuck...

I'm okay to be alone for Christmas.
I'm even okay not celebrating it anymore.

I think we get our hearts broken or break other people's hearts
in order to change. 

Maybe everything that happened to me
was part of the plan, to get me to be okay with being alone
and to refocus on things that matter more than the things I used to think mattered.

To get me to rethink things. A lot of things. 

And that's what I was supposed to be doing other than what I was doing.
I wasted a lot of time. A lot of time.
Hoping people felt the way I did. 
Hoping I could trust people...

I just wish I could be understood for once in my life.

I feel like my closest "friends" have only been my friends
because they've felt bad for me. 
Took pity on me because they think they are so far above me.
BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME
AND NEVER HAVE.

I guess I should be thankful for the people in my life.
But I keep questioning WHY they are in my life.

I don't think they've ever seen ME.
Only whatever they think about me.

And that's a pretty painful thing.

But I'd rather be alone than be hurt by people I thought
"knew" me, but as it turns out... 
It seems nobody really knows me. At all. 
And I have to be okay with that.
Even though it really hurts.

That they think so little of me...
And the people who treated me the way they did, 
treated me the way they did, 

but I have to let that be a reflection of them, not of me. 

Because everyone will think whatever they think of me.
Regardless of what the actual truth about me is.

I really wish people would understand
why I do the things I do, 
why I am the way I am...

Why I'm different from most people.
Why I'm not 'normal.'

I wish people could see that I'm not a reflection of my past.
Of who I used to be, 
or who they think I was...

But it seems like I have to 'prove' them all wrong. 
And I don't see why I should.

Because I already know they are wrong. 
Why should I have to 'prove' it?

For them to say "I was wrong about you"?
Should I even give a f*ck about people
who were already convinced about me?

Who convince themselves with their bullsh*t beliefs about me?

Why should I work so hard to SHOW THEM?
What's true about me and what isn't?
Their thoughts and perceptions? 
Or who I am?

It's like... When people don't believe me.
When I tell them things that are true.
Yet they believe me when it comes from someone else...?

"A***'s too stupid to actually know anything."

If she 'had it together' she'd be 'normal.'
She would be just like everyone else...

"I only hang out with you because I feel bad for you."

And who else 'feels bad' for me, 
but doesn't say it to my face?

But they don't know me well enough
to actually feel decent ABOUT me...

What do people KNOW about me?
Do they even ask me anything?
Or do they just already have me pegged?
Down to whatever they think about me?

Would they look at me differently?
IF I WAS JUST LIKE THEM?

If I went out there and lived my life the way other people do?
Just because "everyone" does this. 
"Everyone" does that...
So I should do that too?

And when I don't? I'm not 'normal.'
And they look down on me...

THAT F*CKING HURTS.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE WORDS...

IT MAKES ME NOT EVEN WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE.
YET I STILL AM...

BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I HAVE TO SHOW ANYONE

HOW WRONG THEY'VE BEEN ABOUT ME...
FOR YEARS...

See why I'd rather be alone?
Than be around people who 'feel bad' for me?

I feel bad for THEM.
BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH
IF ALL THEY ARE GOING TO DO
IS BELIEVE WHAT THEY BELIEVE
WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE...

I FEEL BAD FOR THEM, FOR THAT.

WHETHER IT'S ABOUT ME, OR EVERYTHING ELSE...

What really gets to me...
Is they feel 'so bad' for me that they think they have to help me...
When I never asked them for help...!!!

Just because people want to help
doesn't mean I want them to.

Maybe it'd be cool if they just listened to me...
For a change.

To have a conversation that is just a conversation
instead of a speech about what I should do with my life...

Because the way they think I should be
and the things they think I should do...
Would define me?

Their thoughts and beliefs about me should define me?
How they looked at me and the way they've seen me for YEARS
should define me?

Do you get what I'm trying to say?

Is there a point in even saying it?
Why should I even have to say it? 

Because they are only capable of only looking so deep?
Into me or into anything?

Like if they understood me or why I see things the way that I do...
Maybe I wouldn't have to explain myself constantly to everyone?
And does anything I say matter? No?
So why do I even bother trying to explain myself?
Or anything?

If people aren't going to understand?

Like are they only capable of understanding
what they think they understand?

Maybe they've been wrong all this time
about me and about a lot of other things...

But what does it have to take?

If they don't want to admit it, they won't.

Maybe if they understood why I don't want to be 'normal'
and understood why I don't want to be just like them
and just like everyone else...

And they can just treat me like I'm literally stupid
because that's what they think of me
and apparently always thought of me...

Then wonder why I don't want to jump through hoops
to 'prove' them wrong
when they need proof that they are wrong
to realize they've been wrong...

Most people don't know me at all, it sucks.
It sucks to be treated like that.

Constantly.

So I'd rather just be alone.