One Of The Best Feelings

I guess it was over 4 years ago, something like that...
When I was getting some comments on my posts.... 
I'm not writing as much or as often as I used to write...
When I have, it's been mostly about documenting dreams I had
or something like that.

1) There's not a lot going on in my life right now.
2) I'm working on some things that I don't want to write about in here.

Anyway, a WHILE back... I remember someone told me
that something I had written... They told a friend and got a free dinner or something.
It is a good feeling when you write something that someone shares with someone else.
Especially when it helps someone else.

I can't even remember what it was about, it's been at least 4 years, or longer. 

Sometimes I go into long posts and actually have something to write about.

The other day I was in a chat room and a few of us were talking about some things. 
I wish I had taken down verbatim what that guy said
because he made some really good points. 

Sometimes you never know where you're going to come across things.
Or across people who make good points, or people who say things
in the right way for maximum effect.

For one, I've only ever been somewhat decent at expressing myself in writing.
Blogging's been kind of a safe place for me to express myself.

When I was a kid, I felt nobody either heard me or cared to hear anything I had to say. 
So I had journals where I documented stuff (that mysteriously disappeared).
I'm guessing that whoever took the journal
didn't want what I was documenting to be documented.

I kept diaries when I was a teenager and still have those.
I don't know what I'll do with those. 

Anyway, one of the best feelings was when that person, 
whoever they are, wherever they are told me that something I wrote
made sense and they shared it with someone and thanked me.

I get maybe 5 views on my posts lately,
and maybe most of those are from my ex (I don't know).
Maybe that has something to do with why I haven't been posting much, lately... 

He said he can't "stop himself" from reading my stuff...
To block his IP address, if I could. It's up to him to move on with his life.
There are tools like "Cold Turkey" that he can block sites, if he wants to.

I haven't been looking at my stats, because I haven't really been into blogging much.

Anyway, my main point was that it's a good feeling
when something I wrote was actually useful. 

For the majority of this, it's been sorting out a lot of my stuff, 
and it seems sometimes some people can kind of relate to some of that.

The other night I was talking about how it has been challenging
to overcome an addiction (like drinking) especially
when there were times I gave myself "reasons" to drink. 
Except those "reasons" were more "excuses" than reasons
and I reflected on how I used getting drunk as a "coping method"
for dealing with emotional stuff I didn't know how to deal with.

1) Nobody had ever taught me how to process my emotions, period.
2) It seemed as though nobody really cared about how I felt, about anything.

And I had a lot of heavy stuff I had to deal with over my life.

I was 12 years old when I started drinking.
My father killed himself. It wasn't an easy thing to process let alone cope with.

I was full of anger. I was angry for a lot of "reasons,"
but those "reasons" were more excuses to STAY angry, all the time.

Someone told me this and it still sticks with me:
"You only get angry because you didn't get what you wanted."

It's like a little kid version of the adult "Life's not FAIR!"
"I just wanted THIS! Why can't I get this when everyone else gets everything they want?"

I went through a lot of sh*t. A lot of sh*t. In my life.
I still have reasons to be upset about things that actually weren't fair.
Things other people haven't gone through and don't have to go through.
So why was I the one who went through that?

To make me stronger? To help me process things? I still don't know.
It still bugs me when I see people getting everything they want, all the time
because I didn't and still don't want a heck of a lot. 
I'm used to getting frigging nothing, most of the time.

But it's like I see some people get whatever they want. How is it so easy for them?
And the other thing is they are used to getting whatever they want.
Why? Because they get it.

When I just wanted such little things. So very little in my life.

Here's the thing...I could let it p*ss me off... For the rest of my life,
or I can just accept what I DO get.

We can't always get what we want. It's that simple.

But I think what p*ssed me off the most about not getting what I wanted...
When it came to the most SIMPLE THINGS I EVER WANTED IN LIFE...
WAS THAT WHAT I WANTED AS MUCH AS THOSE SIMPLE THINGS

WAS THAT I WANTED TO BE WORTH THOSE SIMPLE THINGS.

AND FEELING LIKE I WASN'T WORTH ANY OF THOSE
SIMPLE LITTLE THINGS, HURT.

FAR MORE THAN I EVEN CARE TO ADMIT.

So that's what p*ssed me off the most.

Not because I think I'm full of myself
or I think I'm worth all of that and so much more...

It's because I wanted to FEEL worth it.
Worth something. Worth the effort.

That's why those little things mattered to me.

Like when I was seeing someone and we were supposed to SHARE
the food that I BOUGHT BOTH OF US, EQUALLY...

And to save me the last (whatever) or to actually share it equally with me...
A case of a dozen, 6 and 6. 6 each. Not hard. 
Am I not worth MY share? Why can't I just have MY share?

"Oh, but it's there for the taking...." Why take MINE?
When you already had YOURS?

One time I took some for myself and hid it away
so that I could actually have some for myself.
And then he was like: "Oh, you're taking those?"
Well... Yeah! If I don't take some, you won't leave any for ME!"

Stuff like that just p*ssed me off more and more and more.
Until I started just saying "What's the point of this?"
Why get stuff for the both of us if he's just going to eat it all?
And not think of me at all?
Just to be NICE?! Most of the time I've done things to be nice,
I get walked on, consistently, and constantly.
Until I just decide not to do those things anymore.

And then people wonder why I stop doing things.
Like when I stopped buying them stuff, they stopped inviting me over.

I'd give down to my last dollar, literally, and have nothing for myself. 
And funny how instead of returning the favors
they just stop talking to me?

But little things matter to me. Gestures. 
Like "I saved this for you."
"I thought of you."
"Thank you."

Because it's not just the thing. 
"It's just a banana, get over it."
When it was supposed to be for me, it was supposed to be for me.
Can't I at least ask for that?

And these same SELFISH guys cried to me
about dating SELFISH girls who will cry to them to get something they want
like a $300 designer purse. AFTER they do a bunch of sh*t to the guy.
"She hit me. She slept with all my friends."
All this sh*t that common sense would say
SHE ISN'T WORTH IT. But, she gets it.
Because she's used to getting what she wants, all the time.

But then, I'm not asking for a $300 anything...
I'm the one spending all MY money.
And I don't even get MY share.

See why that p*ssed me off?
Spending MY money doesn't mean anything to him. 
Because he only wanted what he wanted.
And when he got it, he couldn't value ME enough
to do something nice for me.

But then cry TO ME about how all the girlfriends he ever had treated him like sh*t.
And when I was treating him better than they did, 
he treated me WORSE than he treated THEM.

I could say it was because he didn't VALUE me.
Or I could say I am not worth it.

Instead, I had to say that I am not here to give everything to everyone and get nothing. 
To be treated like my feelings don't matter... 

It's better to just cut the users off and be on my own, taking care of myself.
Because givers have to have limits. Takers don't have any.

It would be nice to feel worth the little things.
And I know how it feels to feel not worth the little things. 
Doing the very basic things. 

That f*cked with my self-esteem for a long time.
Being taken for granted. Unappreciated.

1) Because it felt like nobody CARED.
2) I DIDN'T FEEL WANTED.

Back in my late teens, early 20s... I was in a relationship.
The main issues I had:

1) I needed some passion in my life.
(Kiss me like you want me)

2) I wanted to feel like I was worth the effort.

Things I still don't have in my life and am giving up on
because it just makes me feel unworthy and just ... Other stuff.

The 2 things I wanted most, I couldn't have.
And I got to watch, girls, all around me
have the kind of love that I had wanted all my life...

IT P*SSED ME OFF!!!

THEY GOT THE LOVE, THEY GOT THE ROMANCE...
I GOT THE BROKEN HEART AFTER BROKEN HEART, AFTER BROKEN HEART.

But one thing I really really really wanted... Was to be worth it.
Worth saving the last banana for, worth not having to bend over backward...
Worth the effort. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Anyway, I don't know where that came from.
Maybe something I saw tonight kind of p*ssed me off...

A video about a guy getting a drink for his girlfriend.
She gets the drink and says "No straw?!"
She gets the straw and says "No lime?!"
She gets the lime and says "No snack?!"
And she gets all of it.

When I would have been happy he got a drink for me...

Maybe I'm just going through a bout of depression, again.
A lot of it is seasonal, but a lot of it has to do with this stuff...
And with some other stuff...

I'm trying to keep myself out of the hospital this year.
Sometimes I feel pretty alone, even though I'm not.

I still wanted the things I used to want. Why?
Because it would feel like I was worthy, finally?
I don't know why anymore.

In the end, I don't feel worth it.
Because I did a lot of stupid things.
Stupidly thinking I might get it from someone else.
And I still couldn't. So in the end, am I?
Stupid, yes. Worth it? Questionable.