A New Year

2023 just started and I really have no idea what to expect.
Not that I really expect anything... 

Just been deep in thought about a lot. 

A lot on my mind. Things I wish I could change. 
Things I can't change. But some things I can. 

I'm not going to be all like "new year, new me."
Because every day is a chance to evolve. 
Why wait for one year to close out and another to start?

I must say that I'm happy 2022 is done. 
I've learned things since 2020. That was a pretty rough one. 
The last several years have been pretty rough, to be honest. 

There was a video I watched tonight. 
About how we create certain dynamics. 
And how we blame others, even though we play our roles. 

Been thinking about a video I saw a few days ago. 
It was a cop arresting a kid who brought a rifle to school. 
The kid shot through a door, shot a kid in the foot, 
stopped shooting, and basically, surrendered. 

The kid said: "I was raised by the wrong people."

And someone in the comments was saying:
"Well, they are a big part of why they became the way they did."

I can understand being under the influence of other people.
Some people heavily influenced me, wish they hadn't, but I get it.

It doesn't mean I will go take a gun to school, though. 

Lots of people have had sh*tty lives, 
but they become who they decide to be. 

I was being the way I was being because I chose that
by not choosing better than that. 

We have choices. 

I was an angry person for a long time. 
Because a lot of things I went through weren't 'fair.'
I could blame my parents for a lot of sh*t they did
and for what they didn't do. 

My son could blame me for sh*t I did, and didn't do. 

It would be cool if we all recognized what we did wrong
and what we should have done instead. 
Not everyone will, because they don't want to be blamed. 

I tried bringing up stuff to my mother, once.
She said: "Stop blaming me."

And I stopped bringing things up because she wasn't going to take the blame. 
She didn't want to be blamed for things that were her fault. 

Instead of saying: "I see the way you see it, I'm sorry."
I don't know if "sorry" would have meant something to me, 
but she wasn't going to feel bad about how she treated me. 

I spent years sweeping things under the rug and suppressing my feelings. 
To the point that I still have a hard time expressing how I feel. 

I had a talk with someone tonight about feelings. 

She said that she should acknowledge how she feels. 
And that was something I was either doing or not doing so well. 

I was just angry, all, the time. 
About everything, even stupid things. 
That's what I knew, pretty much all that I knew. 
Because it was easy to get angry. 

And a lot of the time I realized that I was angry because I felt hurt. 

There were a lot of times I just felt hurt, and then I got angry about it.
I just remember getting my feelings hurt over and over and over, and being angry. 

And I learned that I have to learn to process how I feel. 
To do that I had to acknowledge my own feelings. 
I think I felt that way because I spent a lot of time wishing that my mother
would acknowledge how I felt and how she contributed to how I felt. 

Even though I learned to keep my feelings inside, 
it just never helped me. 
I let things keep bothering me until I've had enough. 
And that never let me get anywhere. 
It just developed into a cycle and still need to work my way out of it.

But I guess where I was going with that...
Was that I blamed my parents, but I'm not who I am because of them. 
Because I still have the choice to learn what they never taught me. 

How could they give me what they weren't capable of?
Would it have been great if they had? Yeah.
Do I wish they had? Yeah.

But I can't blame my poor choices on them and their poor choices.

I can't cop out and say I am this way because of this or that.
Because of anything I've been through. 
That is so easy that a lot of people are doing it. 
Why? Because a lot of people are doing it...
Like another trend to jump onto...

Do I blame myself for my failures? Absolutely.
Do I blame myself for the way I was? Yes. Everyday. 

Will I ever get to sit down with my son and talk about any of that?
I might not get to. Do I want to? Yes.
But would he be willing and open to that? I don't think so.

I see how I was and how it affected him. 
I am to blame for that. 
I want to say I am not to blame for whatever he decides to be. 
As a parent, you want your kid to make the most of themselves, 
no matter how f*cked up you are, 
and no matter how you f*cked up. 

But just because you're f*cked up, doesn't mean you have to f*ck up for the rest of your life.
If you knew me, knew my history, you'd wonder
how I came from that to make it this far. 
Not that I don't still have a long way to go from here...

Everyone has a story. Everyone.

But... Everyone gets to realize that they have a right to choose.
Who and how they will be.

I want to say that I'm not the person I used to be. 
I wish everyone could see that. 

You don't get to blame everything and everyone.
But you have to look at yourself
to see where you are to blame. 

I wish I had seen it sooner and done something about myself. 
If I had, then maybe? Maybe a lot of things?

When I stopped blaming others, 
even when some sh*t was actually their fault, 
there was a lot of weight thrown onto me
because I could see where I was to blame. 

And I don't know what took me so long to see it.

The only thing I could think of was that I didn't want to see it.
I didn't want to take the blame for things that were my fault. 
I somehow felt like I shouldn't have to. 
Because nobody else was... (Around me).

That wasn't something I was taught growing up. 
I didn't get to teach my son all the things I learned after.

I could have been even worse and said that it's their fault
for how I became... But is it?

It just struck me from watching that video and some common beliefs. 
Some beliefs I used to have.

That's the thing about learning things and changing. 
Your beliefs start to change when we change. 

Because the beliefs we had, had us being the way we were.

And I know how it is to share beliefs with people
and how it is to look at things the way they do. 
That doesn't help, at all. If the belief isn't helping us at all. 

Maybe it only helps us to try to justify our sh*tty behavior. 
Because that's usually what it's about. 
Like making excuses, it's a sh*tty habit. 

I've heard enough of that, people excusing their sh*tty behavior.
I've done it plenty, too. Wish I hadn't. 

I used to give myself excuses to drink and being drunk was an excuse to be sh*tty.
That is honesty and reflection. 
Feeling hurt was an excuse to be sh*tty.

All the excuses I used to be sh*tty, to try to justify it. 
It's not justifiable and it's not excusable. 

Making excuses is what I knew how to do. I did it.
Not that I'm proud of doing it, but I got used to doing it. 
I wasn't calling myself out on sh*t.

I was trying to call other people out on their sh*t. 
But they were making excuses to be sh*tty.

I used to get mad when anyone called me out on my sh*t.
1) I didn't like it because I felt like they were doing it to try to make me feel bad.
2) I was trying to defend my f*cked-up-ness.

Why was I trying to defend it? I don't know.
Instead of just looking at myself, honestly, and actually reflecting...

Which I wasn't doing until the last 5 years or so. 

What did it have to take? For me to lose everything?
To be able to sit down and realize why I lost everything?
Where I came into play in that?
Instead of blaming my exes, blaming my family,
blaming all the sh*t I ever went through...
But not looking at myself?

So it's easy for an 18-year-old to say that it's all everyone else's fault. 
Even a kid who brought a rifle to school...
Even people comment that it has everything to do with his parents.
In some ways, yes, in some ways no.

----------------------------------

Anyway, that guy who pretended to like me keeps calling me.
Why? To pretend to like me some more?
To try to get something from me?
To try to make me a backup plan?

Did he tell his friends WHY I was upset with him?
Or what he did to me? Or how he treated me?

But... Taking responsibility for allowing that to happen, I let that happen. 
Not only did I let that happen, but I also kept trying.
I kept thinking he'll eventually appreciate me and everything I did for him. 

It was toxic on both sides because I allowed that sh*t.
But why does he still keep calling me?
Not working out with the one he wanted to be with? 
Should I feel sad about that?