There's Still A Lot Of Pain

There were times that I feel somewhat "healed"
and there are times I really feel the pain that's still there.
Can't there be times where I can just feel "healed"?
Why do I go back to painful situations
knowing that I'm only going to get hurt more
than I already have been hurt. 
If they meant well for me, why would they hurt me?
And all the pain comes from those issues I still have. 
Issues with people making an issue of something
that shouldn't be an issue. 

Like people expecting all kinds of things from me
and then when it comes to doing anything for me, 
it's like I don't exist. 
Even half of what I did for them. 
Even anything I did for them. 

And my soul gets tired. 
Like someone told me:
"You've been directing your energy in the wrong direction."
The wrong direction is giving to people 
who only wanted to take from me. 
Who only come around when they want something from me. 
Who never actually appreciate anything I do for them. 

Why would my soul not be tired of that?
But I am the one who keeps putting myself through that. 
Already knowing that I'll keep getting
what I've already gotten
from situations that never were going to take me anywhere. 

I get a lot of people are hurting
and trying to deal with their pain in different ways. 
Some of them dealing with pain
in the ways I used to try to deal with it. 
But it wasn't working. 
It took me a long time to figure out that it wasn't working. 
Just because I was trying to numb the pain
doesn't mean that it ever went away. 

And then people ignoring me
who turn around and tell me they miss me....

And then... I sometimes want to open my heart... 
And when I do, I try to give it to someone
who obviously doesn't want me. 
Or they would show me they want me. 
They would make the effort. 
They would show me. 

Anyway, who says I have to love
or try to love anyone?
Is it the fear of more pain and betrayal?
That stops me from wanting to try again?

My soul is very tired. 
Sometimes I think it's my body that is tired, 
but it's actually my soul that is tired. 

But when I'm defensive and push people away, 
then I'm doing myself wrong
when someone was actually trying... 

And yes, I get tired of being hurt, on purpose... 
I'm tired of trying to love anyone... 
I'm tired of wanting to open my heart. 
I'm tired of being taken for granted. 
Like I'm always going to be there,
when I can walk at any time
when I know things are unbalanced. 
When I know they keep things from me, and lie. 

So why would I want to settle for that?
Why would I want to be the 'secret girlfriend'?
Why would I want to be with someone
who would rather stay with someone who hurts them?

And why would anyone want to be with me
when I keep going back to people who hurt me?

And yet I'm good enough to be the 'friend'
who is always there for them
when who they choose to be with causes them pain. 

Like "come over and help me heal from this."
And I'm supposed to drop everything
and just come running every time. 
When they wouldn't do anything for me, period. 

So is it even worth it for me? Was it ever?
Or was it just a series of lessons I've had to learn
so that I can break away from stupid patterns I've had. 

I am just really tired of trying to figure out why. 
Or what has actually been going on
that nobody wants to tell me about... 
And when I find out something they didn't want me to know...
They try to make it seem like something else... 
When some things are exactly what they look like... 
So why do I torture myself?
Am I secretly trying to punish myself?
Why wait for anything to change?
Why hope for anything to change?
Why hope for anyone to see me for who I am?
Instead of what I could do for them... 
Or judging me by what I have and don't have in my life?

Do I have to be rich to be 'worthy'?
Do I have to dress and act like everyone else
for anyone to give me the time of day?

It's like I get guarded when I get hurt
and then people are wanting the warm side of me. 
And wonder why I get distant and cold. 
Maybe after long periods of time
dealing with people who are distant and cold with me, 
maybe it doesn't make me feel warm towards them. 

And then they think: "Why do I even try to fix anything?"
Because they were trying to fix things with me. 
But obviously the damage has already been done. 
And they have to ask themselves why they did what they did, to me. 
It was for me to learn to walk away. 
Get closer to myself. Try to fix things in my life, for myself. 
And let them fix things in their life, for themselves. 

Because although I could be of some use to them, 
why would I want to be used?
Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't value me?
It's frustrating. 

But I'm not going to scream "SEE MY WORTH!!!"
Or "TREAT ME BETTER!!!"

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING "F*CK THIS SH*T!!!"
"F*CK IT!!!" 
Why do I try? For what? More heartache?
Just f*ck that all the way to the ends of the earth.
And not back again because it can stay there. Away from me.

Then when I'm not around anymore....
Doing the things I used to do for them....
THEN they miss me. 
THEN they want to try with me....
But were they trying when I was?
Were they telling me the truth?
Were they trying to use me?

They miss what I was bringing into their life. 
They don't actually miss me. 
Nothing changes. They keep ignoring me. 
They keep betraying me. 
They keep expecting things from me
when all I can expect from them
is for them to deplete me in any way they can.

So yeah, I'm tired. 
There doesn't seem to be any point in trying again. 
Even when I want to. 
Even when they want me to. 
Is anything going to change?
Am I going to feel any better?

But I can't put my happiness in the hands of anyone. 
People disappoint us, and hurt us. 
People let us down, time and time again... 

But they want me there when they have a bad day, 
just to have someone there. 
And when I don't go, they call someone else.

But why should I drop everything all the time?
For someone who just wants me
when they are bored and lonely?

And then I think "they asked me because they wanted me."
But do they really?
Or maybe I was the last person they called?
Or the last person they wanted to be with?

Or do they feel the comfort I provide
and only want me for that?

It's hard to want to even be there
after everything that has happened... 
Everything they put me through... 

And did I ever really know the person?
When they acted a way with me at first
and then turn their back on me, betrayed me... 

And then trying to blame their behavior on me?
And I am giving up. 
I'm not the same person as I was
when I first started dealing with people. 
After they hurt me and betray me, 
the old person I was when I trusted them... 
Isn't there anymore. 

It's frustrating for me
because I want to be who I used to be. 
I want to feel good again. 
Or like I've never felt before...

I did some energy work with my friend. 
When we were connecting, 
it was like he could read my thoughts
and I could "hear" him without him "speaking."

I could feel something, energetically
that felt like "love"
and I could "hear" him "saying"
"you're allowed to feel love."

I shouldn't have to fight for the little things.
Little things should just come easy.
But why do they not come easy to me?

It's frustrating and painful.
Like asking myself  "Am I not worth the little things?"

And when I give up, 
they act like I betrayed them. 
When actually, they did it to me.

And then the wonder why I close up and shut down. 
And they try to get me to open up again, 
like nothing ever even happened... 
And they don't know why it's so hard... 

When I try again, I just get hurt more. 
More than I've already been hurt. 
So I stop. 
And if I try again, I only try so hard, and so long. 
If nothing changes, then why?

But then when I move on, 
they miss me... WTF?

I offer a peace offering, they don't take it. 
But why do I? Why can't they?
Why couldn't they do the things
that would have kept things going between them and I?

But I can't change anything on the outside
with people who don't want to change... 
Do they not understand that I'm tired?
And why should I wait?
For them to realize some things
that maybe they should have realized a while back?
Can they not understand why it's frustrating?

Like if I make a point, they don't get it.
I find myself saying "That's not the point."
If they got it, got me, then cool. No problem. 

But if something is bothering me,
I should be allowed
to talk about what is bothering me and why.
So should they.
That's how people get on the same page. 
By understanding each other. 
Communicating. 

But when I try to communicate, 
they treat me like I just want to fight
and argue about everything
when I just want to say:
"This is how I feel and why."
That should not be a big deal. 
It shouldn't end up hurting more. 

Anyway, I just want to try to relax, too. 
But I want to feel better about things, too. 
A lot of things don't feel good. 
They just don't. 

And thinking about them more
doesn't make it feel any better. 
But talking about things helps a bit. 

Feeling understood feels good. 

And there were times I hurt people
who I love because I didn't make them feel understood. 
I didn't value them enough when they were in my life. 
Obviously, they didn't want to stay in my life. 

And that is the truth. 
One of my biggest regrets
was that I didn't value people enough
when they were in my life. 

As I know how that feels. 
Not feeling valued. 
And not wanting to feel that way anymore. 

But have to stop being around people
who don't value me, period. 

And I feel tired all the time, lately.